What does Invalidation Look Like:
“I hated it when that happened to me.”
This causes a person to feel that their emotions are irrelevant, that yours are more important.
Trying to one‐up the person.
“Oh, you think you have it bad…”
This causes a person to feel things like, “oh, I shouldn’t complain, I don’t have it that bad, I’m just being melodramatic…” when we should accept others’ feelings.
Tell them how they should feel.
“You should feel blessed…”
This causes a person to feel that their emotions are wrong, which can lead to self-loathing.
“What you really should do is…”
Giving advice, in many situations, is okay. When a person approaches you and tells you how they feel, and the first thing you do is tell them what they should do, it makes them feel as if their emotions don’t matter.
Try to solve their problem.
“I’m going to call that girl’s parents and…”
This takes the control out of their hands. Self-control, especially over ones’ lives and problems, is very important to feel safe and secure.
Support is good. Support is wonderful. However, when your partner tells you that they are afraid they can not complete a task, and you respond with “You can do it.” it dismisses the fact that they feel fear.
This over generalization causes a person to feel insignificant, as though their problems don’t matter to you.
Make judgmental statements.
“What you did was wrong…”
Right and Wrong, in the whole scheme of things, are subjective and unimportant. Instead of focusing on what they did, attention should be paid to the emotion that spurred the action.
Make “revisionist” statements.
Everyone’s hindsight is 20/20. Chances are the person knows they couldn’t done better. Reminding them can only make them feel worse, and powerless to change it.
Make it about your feelings.
“How do you think that makes me feel?”
Sometimes, people forget their actions impact others. There’s a time and place to remind them of that. However, when your partner approaches you with insecurity, anger, and fear, making it about your feelings can lead them to believe that their emotions don’t matter to you.
Make “character” statements.
These statements often feel like judgements and/or insults, which can wound the other person.
Rationalize another person’s behavior.
It’s understandable that you would want them to see the other side. But since they are your partner, they want you to be on their side. Doing this may make them feel that you’re not, and that you think their emotional response was wrong.
This, for obvious reasons, can make your partner feel like not only are their emotions wrong, but that you dislike them for having feelings.
Use reason or the “facts.”
“That’s not what happened…”
Okay, sure. Maybe you remember things differently. Instead of nit-picking the facts, supporting your partner by addressing what they feel and why can help nurture them and the relationship.
Use “always” or “never” statements.
“You always get yourself into these situations…”
People are malleable, flexible, and adaptable. Making such broad statements can cause your partner to feel hopeless, and misunderstood.
Compare the person to someone else.
“Why can’t you be like your sister?”
Not only does this invalidate their emotions, but it makes them think that you - their partner - wish they were different.
No one likes to feel labeled. Especially for having emotions. Telling your partner they’re nuts, crazy, stupid, over emotional, irrational, etc, says to them “you only feel these way because of ______, therefore it isn’t real, and i don’t care.” even if that’s not what you intend to say.
Advising to cut ties or ignore the situation.
Despite the advice our parents always gave us, ignoring a person or situation may remove us from it, but the emotions often still exist. Not addressing or otherwise solving it can cause them to fester, and become more volatilize.
Instead, learning to validate the person’s emotions is a very powerful tool and essential to relating
