((This is a long vent, no readmore on mobile so :/ ))
the other day I just did some research, tried to ask the internet why my mother treated me in such ways, and like, surprisingly, got answers
I kinda already suspected something but
Basically, she fits the profile of a narcissist parent. But the articles and testimonies I found in the internet just. Made me feel seen?
I was not alone? I was never a fuckup? Or at least, I wasn't crazy in my perception that she wanted me to be a fuckup? That she enjoyed making me cry?
It was.... comforting, somehow.
All the testimonies were like "I'm happy now because I became independent and cut contact with my family 100%" and, I already knew that was the course of action that would set me free
But did you know that for the last 3 months I had just quietly accepted that I would never be able to leave her side? That i would fail no matter what I'd do, so that's why I just had to shut up and take it forever? Because I was a fuckup! Clearly, the universe had already decided that i was worth nothing.
And, I dont know why I started thinking like that. When for years my goal has been to Leave this hell. (Obviously, I do know. It was the way she's been very maliciously destroying my self-esteem with her comments and attitudes).
Except I had just. Accepted that I deserved that. A year ago I tried to move away with a friend in the meantime. And at first she said she'd allowed me to move out.
And for weeks, she then started to act in a way that ultimately made me promise her that I wouldn't leave. I wouldn't be able to leave anyway, I was just going to be a burden on my friend (true, but not in the way she meant it).
And I didn't see anything wrong with it. I was just never meant to leave anyway, right? Right?
Anyway, the narcissist parent is a special kind that will never let you leave, because then who would be their emotional punching bag???
I know that plan was bad because I can't rely on friends to solve my problems, but. But now it hurts knowing that maybe I could have left and actually Survived. Gotten better. Kept my friendship intact.
So the last few days have been... sobering.
I need to leave this house. And I need to remind myself every day that I deserve freedom. I deserve happiness. And that with enough money, i can just Leave. I can be free. I am capable, I'm not a useless little child, and i might be a coward, but that also makes me a perfect survivor.
