#vent 2

[straows]

Vent #2

Do you ever pause and realize that you could die alone and be utterly and impossibly alone for the rest of your life?

I’ve never had a boyfriend, only have ever done a few kisses here and there. Never held someone’s hand, never been held, never got to have these cute little moments that I love to write about.

I crave it. I crave love so much that it’s all I ever think about. It makes me sick. Thinking about it, it makes me feel like there’s bugs under my skin.

I live in Alabama. Deep South. The people around me have this mindset of: graduate, boyfriend, college degree, husband, babies, retirement if possible.

But for the life of me, I cannot find someone that matches me— and if I do, they aren’t attracted to me or vice versa.

I see these people that are so in love, are so comfortable with each other and in their own skin and all I can do is sigh.

I want to be loved sooo bad. I guess that’s why I get so giddy and excited when people like the shit I write— even if it is bad. It’s validation that someone out there likes the words I put on a virtual page.

I think that maybe it’s the people around me— I’m born and raised in Alabama, I love to fish and hunt. I love mud riding and rodeos. I love working with horses and cattle. But I don’t get love back from that.

I love my friends, but I don’t think that they truly love me. Not really. I’m just that friend that’s always down for whatever, anytime of the night or day— I’ll drop everything to come hang out.

And maybe I need therapy.

If I was rich, I’d pay for someone to love me. Pay them so much they’d make it so real I’d think it was real. Get lost in that domestic life— the husband comes home from work, I get to pamper him then go out fishing. We come back, cook together, he goes to sit in the big recliner and relax and I’ll do the dishes while asking about his day. We’d watch a movie with the dog beside us, then go to bed and do it all again.

Oh I’d sell my left kidney and lung for that.

On another note, I was doing the sock method on my cart and the broke through the hole in the sock and broke my mirror— crazy shit. Lmk if you wanna buy me a muha, ill let you take my kidney and left lung.

[alonesova]

Have you ever saw someone in the chat, who usually mildly annoys you, during your the worst state possible and now you just want to wipe them off the face of earth?

[th3okamid3mon]

This one’s called Vent 2. I had the lineart there but I never actually finished it due to homework. I think I wasn’t feeling so well when I drew it. Maybe depression? 

Insta | Youtube | Twitter | Paypal | Patreon

[vent-into-the-void]

Hey hey Ms Void,

Back with the classics, my genius partner has decided to start going outside to sleep as a protest of the sound from the tv

He also gets mad at me for wanting to lock the door so I can feel safe in my neighborhood with increasing crime rates because then im locking him outside

Keep in mind, nobody makes him go outside, i turn it down when he asks (even though I have hearing issues and if I want to take my glasses off to sleep I need it loud enough to hear), its even try to pick specific shows that won't bother him even if it means I cant watch my comfort shows

Now you may he thinking 'well you share a house, maybe you should be more respectful' but you are incorrect

I live in a shed that was designed for a single person to just barely survive in while completed uni (me that person is me) and he moved in unexpectedly at the start of the year quoting he'd only be here until he found a new place

I have done everything possible to make things comfortable for him yet i think he's forgotten he is living in my house and never even bothered to have the conversation of "hey can I live with you long term?" Let alone the "should we live together" talk (we have been dating 5+yrs but im very specific about how I live-- actually! Break ()

If i get called OCD one more fucking time for wanting to live in the specially crafted ways I figured out so that I stood a chance at existing like a normal human I am going to throw a fucking chair through a fucking window

All good bro- just disrupt my environment, routine, and ability to operate and then mock me by telling me it sounds OCD to not want to do dishes if they weren't stacked on the fucking bench cause idk maybe I hate dishes and dont like extra steps and if its neat and the sink is empty when I go to do dishes then im not going to resent and put it off until its a problem

Uggggghhhhhhh

I get that im specific about some things but fuckssake bro if I was OCD there is no way in hell I could have survived almost a year in the type of environment this has descended into (madness, chaos, and things are different everytime I wake up to how I went to sleep)

Oh and back to the original topic in case anyone (all 0 people who will read this) is wondering if have fucked up nightmares when I sleep and if i have the TV going it increases the chance of me having a harmless TV orientated dream and gives my subconscious like an anchor to the real world when things start to get too fucked up in my nightmares. And yes. They are incredibly fucked up. I would not wish them on my worse enemy fucked up. When I figured out I could use the TV as like a lifeline to escape them I started sleeping with the TV on Every. Single. Night. That was almost a decade ago.

The TV gets turned off now when I fall asleep 🙃

I haven't felt well rested in months. Also the carry over effect of the nightmares has made me feel constantly hunted/in-danger/scared-of-leaving-the-house which has not been having a great effect on my interactions with people and trying to survive in modern society

Anyway, im just waffling now, which yes, is the point of this public journal esque stream of consciousness scream into the void type blog thing I got going on her but whatever im struggling to stay associated with my human form so im outski

Thanks Ms Void, until next time (he's being a shit atm do it'll probably be soon)

[shin-zaibatsu]

Remembering the time where when I was with my last partner, I was struggling with a lot of intrusive thoughts of my old abusive ex that just wouldn't go away, and it was driving me crazy, I opened up to her that the old memories were driving me crazy and making me feel scared and depressed and she somehow misinterpreted that "You are thinking of your ex = you miss her and want her back" when that is the last thing I could ever want in this world

Yeah sure, the thing I've vented about before that still leaves me shaking 10 years on, that's the life I want back

Safe to say, there's a reason that last relationship didn't work out

I'm still good friends with that person but yeah, I don't want those arguments back

[pumpkinsae]

I mostly just find this stuff disbursing (the stuff my friends are posting) Because it feels really similar to when I was a kid and 9-11 happened and people blamed Muslims and anyone they saw wear headdresses for what happened. Or more recently people being really hateful / rude towards Asians because of covid-19. These same friends point out its racist to blame these people for those issues, and its wrong. I agree it's wrong, and yes - its racist. I feel like for all of this stuff too, we always repeat and try to remind people: People have freedom to move around the world and escape problems and are allowed to want to persure a better, happier and healthier life. And it bugs me because we know this, we know it's wrong to blame a viable group of people for problems going around in the world. It also doesn't solve problems. Being frustated with the conflicts that happen, that's fine. But aiming that frustation at others, that's not fine. However for some reason this statement has just slipped, or dropped out of peoples minds completely when it comes to Russian and Ukraine. It feels like people have taken sides and are basically seeing random people not in the conflict, as enemies. Some of my friends are completely fine with posting hateful stuff about Russian people. However the worst part of it, is when people use Ukraine people as there shield and say 'well we worry about them'. I have one friend posting she isn't sure about going to a local 'shop' in her city because the lady who owns it has a 'Russian sounding name' and she doesn't want to 'give money to a Russian' right now. and is asking on fb if the name can be something other RACES can use outside of Russian people. She's posting "Is Olga a russian name?" And has posted follow up comments saying things like "... I like this lady shop and i've been going here for years. However if her name is tied to Russian - I don't want to shop there. I don't want to support her" "If anyone knows other stores similar to her's that are local and aren't russian owned. Drop them below." And maybe this is harmless, but - it strikes me the wrong way. Then I have my friend who I feel like is suffering from other issues ("covid related" ptsd maybe? but I don't know - it's not an excuse through... I just - I'd like to be able to explain some of her more intense/unhinged behaviours.) but she keeps posting she's in fear for her life because she hears people speaking russian in public spaces like a the sky train, at the mall etc. She used to write reports about how she's walk to the mail box - and notice someone without a facemask on outside, and rush home to do a prc test and write up a big thing about how she's going to "die".... But now she's pitived towards writing about when she hears Russian in public spaces. She posts stuff like this: 'I was on the sky train going home, and I heard a mother and a little boy talking. I listened carefully for a moment and realized they were speaking russain!!! Out in the open!!!! IN PUBLIC!!!! ON THE SKYTRAIN! I couldn't believe my ears. I felt in fear for my life.... What if a Ukrainain person overheard this? It could give them ptsd and flashbacks. It could bring a person who's fleeing war in a state of panic thinking soilers have finally found them and are going to grab them!!!" "It could've really damaged someone on the train and these people just don't care! There's conflict going on THEIR government caused!!!!" "These people should be told to speak english currently if they need to talk in person, or learn another languge so that they don't upset a Ukrainain sister or brother." This feels extremely racist. I also hate how they are using Ukrainian people as a shield for there own discomfort. And for this friend who is posting this stuff i've seen others try to rather kindly point out like 'hey doesn't this seem sorta racist to you?' She'll call them out and say 'its not, it's call compassion for fellow humans. Try it sometime.' and then will make a new post saying things like "I just deleted more

racists." "Just did another racist free facebook clean out." and "If you don't have compassion for Ukrainian people hearing Russian in public, then your a racist." *sighs* Its so troublesome because these "friends" are also NOT viewing these people who they have very minor or even no interactions with but they eavesdrop on as Canadians. They aren't viewing these people as Canadian citizens. They are viewing them as "Russian people" who happen to be in canda right now. And like - thats what pisses me off so much. I'm also too flippin' scared to say anything because I don't want conflict and drama in my own life. However - I really also feel uncomfortable seeing this stuff. You can agree and disagree with different government, but don't fucking blame people.

[myukasa]

god if im feeling horrible lol i mean i didn't sleep last night and it's been a solid week of overthinking about things i should've considered before and i can't do anything about anymore and the thing is they're dumb dumb dumb lmfao..... i'm such an imbecile

[shakingleafs]

trying to do aftercare posts after my vent posts. as someone who does a good amount of art vents i know they can really beat you down because you’re giving those negative emotions more attention. so, i take a ‘cold shower’ and draw something nice for myself :)