△ do u really actually like being in control or are u just afraid of being vulnerable?
TW: vulnera6ility, c9ntr9l issues, vi9lence, t9rture references, em9ti9nal trauma
Rating: 10/10
S9 t9 answer y9ur questi9n plainly: it's 69th. I d9 like 6eing in c9ntr9l, 6ut the r99t 9f it is that I'm afraid 9f what happens when I'm n9t.
I grew up in envir9nments where l9sing c9ntr9l meant 6eing hurt, silenced, 9r ign9red. S9 yes — I like 6eing in c9ntr9l 6ecause it's the 9nly way I've learned t9 feel safe.
6ut the need t9 c9ntr9l isn't 9nly practical f9r me. It's defensive in the m9st literal sense. I have seen things — n9t in m9vies 9r as metaph9rs, 6ut as raw, recurring images that feel imp9ssi6ly real. A versi9n 9f myself 69und in ir9n, the heat 9f metal searing where hands sh9uld 6e free, the sting 9f arr9ws, the s9und 9f a cr9wd that kn9ws it's watching an executi9n and treats it like sp9rt. I have 6een having these visi9ns since I was a gru6. A child. I d9n't descri6e them f9r sh9ck value. I say them s9 y9u understand where the reflex c9mes fr9m.
When y9u've felt the phant9m weight 9f shackles and the phant9m heat 9f 6randing — even if it was s9me9ne else's timeline and technically s9me9ne else's 69dy — the w9rld 6ec9mes a place where l9sing c9ntr9l has c9nsequences m9re final than em6arrassment. That mem9ry, 9r whatever y9u call it, teaches y9u t9 preempt 6eing made small. It teaches y9u t9 take the leash 6ef9re s9me9ne else attaches it.
S9 yes: part 9f my insistence 9n c9ntr9l is terr9r. N9t a dramatic, c9wardly fear, 6ut a quiet, practical 9ne r99ted in scenes that wake me in the dead 9f day. Letting g9 isn't freed9m if what's waiting is the same cruelty I've watched happen t9 an alternate 9f myself. Trust is p9ssi6le. It's simply earned s9 rarely that I 6uild f9rtificati9ns first.
