#vichitraveerya

[sambhavami]

Bheel Mahabharat - Part 1

To be very honest, I only accidentally stumbled upon a Bengali translation of this set of tales [originally compiled by Bhagwandas Patel] by Jaya Mitra. Before reading this, I only knew of the Draupadi-Vasuki story, and the rest of the book proved both infuriating and enthralling.

It's a collection of the ballads of the Dungariya Bheel community, mostly performed live during special occasions. The interpretations of the stories from Vaishampayana are often starkly different here, and the shift of priorities is clear. For eg, the main war is only about a page long, while we spend a far longer time inspecting the family dynamics, such as the enmity of Krishna and Abhimanyu [which too are slightly changed here].

Just a warning: these stories are frequently explicit and often challenge mainstream morality.

Satranjha na Ganga

Once upon a time, there used to be a frog. One day, the frog was going to the Ganga to bathe, but it was trampled under the hooves of a cow passing through the market. The soul of the frog entered the womb of a shopkeeper’s wife. When the shopkeeper’s son grew up, he wanted to work for the biggest bigshot in the world.

So, he went and asked Indra for a job. Indra, after verifying that he isn’t from too low a caste, gave him a job and kept him in Indrapuri. One day, the shopkeeper’s son saw a lower-caste woman cleaning the market, and he made her his ‘dharma-sister’. He then gifted her a saree made of pure gold.

Seeing that, Indra became furious and fired the shopkeeper’s son for letting a lower-caste woman wear the same kind of saree as Indrani. However, it had already been lakhs of years since the guy had joined this job, and Indra had never paid him. The guy demanded all his money now, and he left with one entire cart full of money.

On his way back, he wanted to bathe in Ganga, but one of the bulls pulling his cart died. He then prayed to Surya, and Surya agreed to bring the bull back to life in exchange for half the money. The guy agreed, and promised to pay on his way back. After bathing however, he was struck with a sudden sense of exhaustion, and he threw all the money in the river itself. When Surya caught up with him, he told the deity as much, and Surya was so angry that he cursed the guy to be transformed into a fox. His bulls became a sambar and a pig.

Then one day, the fox saw Ganga-the -goddess, who usually hid 13 floors under Patal, bathing in the river. He fell in love immediately and proposed marriage to her. Ganga, hearing this, was furious and threw a stone at the fox, and took out one of his eyes.

Then, the fox, enraged, chased her throughout the earth, until Ganga managed to climb the Mer-Sumer mountain and hid in the ashram of her guru Sarasankhara. The guru then gives Ganga some ‘bhasam-kankan’ and burnt the fox alive.

When Ganga took the fox’s ashes to float in the Ganga, the ashes taunted her that she must be accepting the marriage since now she’s carrying him around. Then Ganga threw the ashes, and at that spot the fox became a tall, sala tree which taunted Ganga by saying that only a wife washes their husband’s feet like Ganga’s waters were washing its roots. Ganga, furiously, launches a flood and uproots the tree. The tree floated on the water and taunted Ganga that she must be his wife, which is why she’s letting him lie on her chest. Ganga then threw the trunk on the land. After 12 years of the tree trunk lying on the banks of the river, Sarasankhara set the trunk on fire and out of that, came out Satakunvar/Sataranjha [Shantanu].

He followed Sarasankhara to Mer-Sumer and started killing bird and frying them in the muni’s sacred fire. Satakunvar said he’ll stop only if Sarasankhara promised to give him whatever he wanted, and then asked for Ganga as a wife. Then Sarasankhara unwillingly went to Ganga and made her promise to give him whatever he wanted, and then ordered her to marry Satakunvar.

Ganga said that she’ll marry him but only if he promised to drown all the children they had in her waters himself. Satakunvar agreed and they started living in the Badal Mahal.

Ganga then had three sons, named Gageevar [Gangeya], Setar [Chitraveerya] and Bihag [Vichitraveerya], each of whom Satakunvar killed by first throwing them against a boulder and then drowning in the river. Then finally, she had a daughter. Satakunvar went to kill he rbut the citizens convinced him that he needed someone to take care of him in his old age, and so he secretly gave the child up to his friend Garga.

Ganga found out about this and asked Satakunvar. When he lied, she used her magic to summon all four children. Only the boys then appeared in front of them, and not the girl. Ganga left her sons there and jumped into the river.

When Satakunvar cried, she promised that she’ll again marry him in her next life as the king Rangaraja’s daughter, and gave Satakunvar a conch-shell bangle, instructing him to marry the woman whose hand fits in it. She then disappeared, leaving only 5 strands of her hair held in Satakunvar’s hands.

In Indrapuri, Indra had just gotten a contract to guard the seven seas, and couldn’t go home for 12 years. So, Indrani sent her pet parrot with a love letter for him. While reading it, Indra’s penis fell off. Indra wrapped it up in the letter and tied it around the parrot’s neck and sent it back.

Midway, the parrot dropped to drink water, and the penis fell in the river where Ganga, in the form of a fish, swallowed it. When a fisherman caught her, she spoke to him in a human voice and told him to only sell her to the person who would pay the price that she will call out for herself. Then, when the fisherman took her to the king Rangaraja, she asked him to store her for nine months before cooking and eating her. After nine months, she was cut open to reveal a baby girl trapped inside her, and Rangaraja adopted her.

Satkunvar meanwhile remained perpetually sad, speaking to no one and only muttering ‘virgin girl’ under his breath. Finally, one day, Gageevar went and asked him what he wanted and Satakunvar said he only wanted to marry the girl whose hand would fit in Ganga’s bangle and then die.

The siblings then went to Rangaraja, who refused to marry his daughter to Satakunvar because of the age gap. However, the girl, now a pre-teen, volunteered, and so they were married. Satakunvara then promptly passed away, after making his sons promise to cremate him only on virgin land.

The brothers became very tired looking for this virgin land but couldn’t find. Finally, one day, they met God, who told them to go to Ratanpur, where a swan just gave birth. The brothers went and promised to return the land to the swan if  she let them bury their father in her home. However, after that they refused to honour that agreement and instead built a city that they named Aasnapur [Hastinapur].

After this, the brothers tried to return the girl to Rangaraja but he refused to take her in and said that now she’s the brothers’ mother and therefore their headache. Setar and Bihag then refused to have anything to do with her and told Gageevar to take care of her. So, Gageevar moved in with her and refused to come out.

After a few days, Setar and Bihag grew suspicious of the two of them and snuck into the girl’s room. They saw that the girl’s leg had fallen off the bed, and Gageevar, not wanting to touch her and commit a sin, tied his dhoti around his head and pushed up her leg like that.

Seeing that both the brothers were overcome with shame and guilt and the next morning they asked him, ‘for a friend’, what to do if one commits a sin in their mind. Gageevar told them that the atonement for a mental sin is to burn oneself alive inside a Shiva temple. So, the brothers went to the Koteshwar Shiva temple and killed themselves, and the temple was then renamed to the Chitravichitra temple.

The wives of Setar and Bihag then asked their stepmother-in-law for children, and she sent them, naked, to look at Gageevara at dawn. One of the queens closed her eyes in shame, and Atarajha [Dhitrarashtra] was born blind. The other queen hid her privates, and so Panduraja [Pandu] was born without genitals. Then Atarajha was sent to rule Dhavalagarh and Pandu inherited Aasnapur.

[ambidextrousarcher]

Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews: Episode 5- Creepy stuff ahead. (Creepier than kidnapping)

The episode begins with drunk kid collapsing and coughing blood. Bhishm rushes to him, letting the crown drop. The crown rolls down the stairs as he chokes and Satyavati along with his wives rush to his side, calling his name. As the crown rolls to a standstill, drunk kid sags, his eyes closing their last. The ladies begin to cry, the camera focusing on Bhishm as he picks his bow and strides out, to the theme tune. CANON FAIL, remember? Vichitraveerya ruled for months, at the very least. Anyway, Bhishm runs up to a balcony, enraged. He’s dramatically calling out to Surya Narayan to make an appearance and face him, that otherwise he’ll extinguish the sun. He commands the Sun God to command the God of Death to return the soul of his brother. Man, so much melodrama. He nocks an arrow at the Sun, the camera focusing drama-filled on him. Surya Narayan makes an appearance just before he looses the arrow. “Bhishm, what are you doing?” he asks. “Do you want to destroy the entire Earth?” Bhishm doesn’t care about the Earth. All he cares is that he’s lost his ancestors’ hopes. He’s very emotional. He asks the God what will become of Hastina now, what they can do? Alright, if anyone thinks this wank is canon, let me make it clear. IT IS NOT! In canon, Bhishm is the one who thinks up the niyoga idea, I think. The God says that there is a solution to these miseries. The Surya theme plays. Night falls. Satyavati enters the chambers of Ambalika and Ambika. She asks them to get ready to unbind their hair. They are dressed in the dun garments of widowhood. Everyone has red eyes as Satyavati proceeds with the ritual. Ambalika is weeping. Satyavati tells her that women decorate their hair to accept their husband’s love (what the…?) and that henceforth, their hair will no longer be decorated. She continues, herself starting to cry, that once widowed, the heart of a woman fills with grief. She tells both of them to have hope. Ambika is having none of it. She says, “We lost our lives, Rajmata. But perhaps you will never be able to understand.” Satyavati is shocked. “I won’t be able to understand?” she asks. “I have seen my husband’s death. I lost my son!” Ambalika replies, “You had the joy of having children, Rajmata. What are you talking about?” (Um, excuse me? It isn’t her fault he died…) She continues, “Look at us. Neither do we have children, nor our husband. We were the Princesses of Kashi, who became the beggars begging shelter of Hastinapur.” Satyavati promises her that they will have children who will sit on the throne of Hastina. Both of them look shocked, not to mention a bit freaked. Naturally. They ask, “How will we have children?” “Through niyoga.” Uh-oh. Creepy shit begins. Both of them look creeped out. Satyavati explains Niyog, that a man who dies without children can legally have a child if his wife does so with a tapasvi Rishi. She adds that she’s asked her tapasvi son, Ved Vyas to come to Hastina for the same. Obviously, she doesn’t ask their consent. UGH. She’s basically advertising rape. The younger ladies freak out. “Did you not think you should ask us? If we want this or not?” Good question. Satyavati replies that she is the rajmata and she has to take a few uncomfortable decisions, adding that they must also do their duties as Queens. Ugh. EW!!!x100000 Scene cuts to psycho Princess who’s lighting a pyre. “Bhagwan Parashuram, you promised to give justice to everyone who had undergone injustice. Yet, you have done the same for me, hence today, I, Amba, take the decision to enter a pyre in the sight of your dwelling. You will have the sin of womanslaughter on your head forever!” God. Why does this lady take extreme decisions all the damn time? She walks towards the pyre, closes her eyes and is about to step in when the gust of wind from tumbling rocks tumble her pyre to bits. Parashuram stands in front of her. “What do you want from me?” asks Parashuram. We switch again to Satyavati. Bhishm enters the chamber, doing a pranipaat. She asks him if she’s thinking of happiness or sadness. Bhishm says that she’s just waiting. A servant enters, saying that the Queens have delivered children, both boys. Thank goodness. Creepy stuff happened offscreen. I’d have hurled otherwise. Both Satyavati and Bhishm are delighted. She thanks God, and asks the servant to inform the ministers and prepare for a celebration for the birth of two Princes. Exactly then chimes a voice. “Three, rajamata.” Satyavati looks confused as another servant says that a dasi (servant woman) has also given birth to a son of the Rishi. CANON FAIL. It is known way before the boys are born that the last child belongs to a servant and not the Queens. Bhishm is still smiling, but Satyavati takes of a necklace and commands it to be given to that woman, further clarifying that the birth of a servant’s child is not cause for celebration. Classism, much? She asks the servants to send in the physician. The physician enters. She asks her if the boys are alright. The physician hesitantly says that the son of the Elder Queen is unlucky. The sky thunders outside. Man. Nature telepathy. We cannot hear what is being said, but Satyavati falls on to the chair.  (Obviously, what has been said is that the baby is blind). Scene changes to Ambika crying. Bhishm is consoling her. (Seriously? This is too much.) ‘How will he live? What will be his future?’ asks Ambika. ‘It will be happy, filled with strength. I will teach him. He will be famous, brave. The throne of Hastina…” he cuts himself off. “The throne of Hastina will be proud of him” he says. (Okay. You’ve already decided that he won’t ascend the throne.) Satyavati says “Your words have given me hope.” There is some bandying about of metaphors and then she says “Hastina’s gotten hope by the birth of the princes. Nothing can go wrong now. No bad things can happen now.” Scene cuts to psycho Princess on a boat in a storm. “The boat cannot go further. The tide is too much, we’ll drown” says a boatman. “We cannot drown. When Raavan’s luck had death written on it, even stones floated in the sea, do you not know?” asks psycho Princess. Episode ends. Precap: “For the birth of this child, the entire nation had stopped. Hence he will be name Dhritrashtra,” pronounces the rajguru. “A glow like gold. For this reason, this child is named Pandu,” he continues, holding the second child. Scene cuts to psycho Princess. “Marriage, or death? What will you choose, Mahamahim Bhishm?” she asks. “Bhagwan Parashuram has remembered you” Scene cuts to Parashuram kicking Bhishm. Bhishm falls and stands again. Parashuram pushes Bhishm off a cliff. Camera focuses on Lord Shiva.

Tagging @ratnas-musings, @butchcaroldanvers, @mayavanavihariniharini, @avani008, @iamnotthat @chaanv.

[sambhavami]

Women in Mahabharata - Parishrami

She starts out as a maid of Ambika, who either comes from Kashi as part of the dowries, or is a local girl who is sold into the royal household after the sisters' marriage. Her name, Parishrami, is most probably something that she has earned over years of hard work. Her real name lies forgotten.

When Ambika is asked to face Vyasa for a second time for another niyoga process, she refuses and decks up Parishrami in her clothes and jewellery in an effort to trick Vyasa, and escape the ordeal.

Parishrami however is not as afraid as the princesses. She has probably seen much worse than just an un-bathed rishi. She therefore greets Vyasa with respect, offering him food and water, and the two of them spend most of the night simply talking.

It is abundantly clear to Vyasa, that this woman is not Ambika, but he does not raise a fuss. Vyasa most probably, in the early years of his life, has lived either with Satyavati, or with a family of an equal economic standing, before he was old enough to live with his father full-time. This allows him too, to be more free with this lady, who drinks in every word he speaks, now fascinated with his knowledge and demeanour [who knows, maybe the poet sang for her a few early chapters of the Mahabharata itself?].

To a young Vyasa, his first experiences of intimacy has been arguably quite jarring [due to no fault of the princesses', but still I would consider Vyasa equally as much of a victim in this particular scenario]. Now, from Parishrami, he learns what a healthy [honestly] 'date' should look like.

Once morning comes, the first thing that Vyasa tells Satyavati is that this woman must be set free and then given a mansion and a pension, equal in standing to the princesses, and respect worthy of a daughter-in-law of the queen-mother Satyavati herself [it is in this mansion itself that Vidura continues living, and later moves Kunti in as well, and it also is the same place where Krishna stays the night when he comes to bargain for peace].

Vyasa declares her son Vidura, to be both legally and biologically his son, and not Vichitraveerya's.

Parishrami most probably later moves in with Vyasa, along with Satyavati and the Kashi's princesses when Vyasa comes to fetch them after Pandu's death [or maybe even before that, to take care of his ashram or something, but there's no textual indication of her future either way].

[sambhavami]

Women in Mahabharata - Ambika

She is the second daughter of the king of Kashi, who, alongside her sisters, is kidnapped from her swayamvara by Bheeshma and then married to the latter's younger brother- Vichitraveerya.

After Vichitraveerya's untimely death, she is informed by the mother-in-law of an impending niyoga process with a brother-in-law of hers. She imagines Bheeshma or any other Kaurava relative, but is taken aback when the unkempt, fierce-looking rishi Vyasa enters. Terrified, she closes her eyes, embarrassing Vyasa in the process.

Her son is born blind, and is named Dhritarashtra, a name very ironic considering that no one but Pandu ever thought of him as a worthy contender for the throne [consider the future events too].

After Pandu's death, she along with her sister Ambalika and mother-in-law Satyavati retreat into the forest, living out the rest of her days in Vyasa's ashram.

She and sister have both been described as tall, beautiful, curly-haired and dark-complexioned- te chaapi brihati-shyaame neela-kunchita-moordhaje.

[ambidextrousarcher]

Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews- Episode 3: The Swayamvar Gone Wrong

Tagging @butchcaroldanvers, @chaanv, @ratnas-musings, @justahappyreindeer @iamnotthat, @starsailororastronaut, because you guys seemed to like the last ones. So, here goes.

The episode begins at Hastina. Bhishm is brooding. Satyavati enters. Bhishm does a pranipaat to the strains of what will later be part of the BG theme for Dronacharya. Satyavati says she did not mean to insult Bhishm back then. Bhishm does not take offence. (The Bhishm of this adaptation is waay too perfect, but I like the way the actor brings the character to fore, so...) She asks him not to be hard on drunk kid, blaming his character flaws on the fact that he lost his dad too young, instead of bad parenting, as it rightfully should be. (BTW, Kunti is a way better mum than Satyavati in this respect then! But even she has Yudhisthir, sorry, Yudigit to deal with.) Bhishm replies that it is his duty to be so, as a teacher. Because if a man has a soft body, he will be hardhearted. Ah, explains Yudigit to an extent. But he ain’t that soft-bodied. And Duryodhan is nowhere near what can be called soft bodied. Ah, well. Satyavati brings forward the traditional Indian parental solution to everything: marriage. Seriously, lady? You didn’t learn anything from how bad marriage messed your life up….? Also, canon fail, I think. I don’t remember it being Satyavati asking Bhishm to get the Princesses for drunk kid. Also, ugh. Kidnapping ain’t a gift in any way. Bhishm being the paragon of virtue he is (I repeat. He is not this perfect in canon), refuses. She orders him as Rajmata, holding him to his oath to the throne. Cut to Kashi, where the suitors for the Swayamvar are entering to amaze music. Oh, this is the music to which Uttaaraa dances to, way in the future. Maybe Arjun dances to it, too. I’ll have to see. Anyway, the first to enter is Shalva, psycho Princess’s choice for a hubby. One or two others follow, before we cut to a scene of the Princesses sampling perfumes. (Man, Ambalika, the youngest of them, looks like the oldest.) There is light chit-chat about psycho Princess choosing Shalva. Ambalika is fretting about her would-be hubby. Her eldest sister tells her that the man who makes her heart flutter will definitely be there, that if you do not have such luck, your life will be filled with sadness. (What the…the worst I can imagine happening to ME is a husband, but hey, modern sensibilities.) But then she cheers up, and says, “But nothing can get in the way of our happiness now.” Guess what happens next? We cut to Bhishm galloping, then back to the Swayamvar. The Princesses amble over and sit on their thrones. Their father welcomes all the suitors. He’s cut mid-sentence by the herald announcing Bhishm. If looks could kill, psycho Princess would defo have killed him. He stalks in and greets the King of Kashi, who squeaks that he’s organized a Swayamvar. Bhishm spouts plenty of claptrap that can’t justify kidnapping anyway. He invites the suitors to challenge him if they so wish. Shalva, who looks rather like a horse, takes up the opportunity. One twang of a bowstring, and he’s a goner, knocked out. Psycho Princess rushes over to him, and for once, when she’s yelling, I’m supporting her. She asks Bhishm what right he had to interfere in a self-choice ceremony. That when they did not want to choose the best warrior, but the man they wanted, who was he to force them? Good question. She goes on further to tell him that she’s chosen Shalva. Bhishm acts horrified. He says that then, this is not a Swayamvar, it is a trick, an affront of honor. (Of course, StarMBH, make Bhishm the hero at the expense of a woman again.) The King of Kashi tells him that he had no idea of what his daughter was thinking. Psycho Princess in huffing. Actually, I think she’s always huffing deeply on screen. It’s disturbing. The other Kings decline their candidature for the swayamvar, telling the King of Kashi that the girls belonged to Hastina now. He agrees. (Ugh. What a shit dad.) But Bhishm doesn’t. (CANON FAIL. It’s actually Vichitraveerya who gives the Princess Amba leave to marry Shalva.) He asks the King of Kashi to declare if his other daughters have also chosen a husband. When they decline, he asks their father to prepare them to leave of Hastina as Hastina’s Queens. He releases Psycho Princess to marry Amba with Hastina’s blessings. The scene switches to Hastina, to the strains of Sumangali, riyam vadhu… being played. (Aw, I love that music. Arjun/Subhadra wedding music in my head. <3 ) Drunk kid is trying and failing to hold a sword straight. The guru asks the maiden to enter. “The maiden has come, Bhishm!” Oh, man. Psycho Princess. Satyavati asks who she is. She says that she’s the eldest daughter of the King of Kashi, the one whose dreams have died under Bhishm’s feet. Bhishm, unruffled, says, “I gave you permission to go to Shalva.” He’s right, actually. Here anyway. Canon fail, remember? Man, they’re really making Bhishm too perfect. This feeling intensifies as Psycho Princess says that Shalva rejected her because Bhishm won her. Bhishm, Mr. Paragon of Perfection, states his sadness at that and swears that he will accompany her to Shalva. Psycho denies that offer. (Man, they really made Amba psycho here, to elevate Bhishm.) She says that in a marriage, the man is the one who asks for a boon. The woman gets authority. She asks for her authority. She commands Bhishm to marry her. Episode ends.  Shit. That ain’t gonna happen, obviously. Precap: Bhishm, Mr. Paragon of Perfection, tells Psycho that only Parashuram has the power to defeat him if he is in the wrong. He tells her to seek Parashuram out. She calls “Bhagwan Parashuram?” Cue dramatic Sanskrit Shloka. Parashuram is shown.

[ambidextrousarcher]

Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews- Episode 2: Pratigya, Iccha Mrityu, and a very long, detailed, boring part.

The episode starts off with Devavrat calling his mama to do a prakat and witness his oath. She doesn’t do a prakat, the skies are still all red-red, obviously this oath thing is not a good idea. (Sidenote: Neither elements of nature, nor characters in the actual epic are half the drama queens they’re portrayed as in this show) But no one cares, because plot. And the oath proceeds. Devavrat swears on his mother’s divinity, her purity and his father’s trust that he won’t be Hastina’s King, he’ll be its servant all his life. (Also. Mata Satyavati? That soon? Whoa. Dedication) Shantanu makes his horrified entry in the middle of his oath, which is one long oath. Anyway. Devavrat swears that he’ll give the Kingdom over to Satyavati’s kids, and for the sake of their future, he will abstain from marriage, from family and be a brahmachari all his life. For some reason, Satyavati is gaping like a fish. I dunno why. She’s gotten all she’s asked for, right? I see. She wasn’t expecting to. BTW, she’s looking rather horrified, too. Maybe she’s regretting it already… All this takes place to the music of ‘Dharme cha arthe cha kaame che moksha cha…” Should I assume it’s adharm? Probably. The waters of the Ganga begin boiling and shooting out like geysers. It is making clearer by the moment. Not a good idea. But what is done is done. Shantanu, idiot that he is, yells his son’s name after he’s done swearing the oath. He runs up to his son and goes “What have you done?” while Devavrat, quite coolly, goes ‘Pranipat, Pitashree.’ You gotta admire the man here, really, you got to. Apparently, Shantanu still wants to drown in self-pity, because he’s like “How could you take such a terrible oath (Bhishm pratigya)? You’ve forgotten that a gift too large is no pleasure, but punishment…” Dude. If you want to look for ways to remain wallowing in self-pity, everyone! Take lessons from Shantanu. I mean, what does it take for this guy to be happy? Devavrat, all Mr. Dutiful son, goes “No, no, dad, don’t say that! I haven’t given you any boons, just made sure the Kingdom of our ancestors remains afloat. I just pressed the delete button on all future problems!” Oh, dear. My beautiful summer child. You have no idea how horrendously you’re wrong. He continues in the same vein. “This is my duty as the crown prince.” Shantanu gleefully accepts it, saying, “Many people grant wishes, but few have the courage to accept it as duty.” He then asks for a chance to return the favor. Devavrat, who is a paragon of perfection here (which he is not in canon, so #canon fail 3, I guess) asks for the boon not to die until Hastinapur is ruled by Dharma and Samarth (talent) both. (In that vein, the King he dies for doesn’t have Samarth, afaik. He just uses his brothers’ Samarth for his purposes. But maybe I’m biased. Or maybe it counts anyway.) Cue the precap scene. He gets iccha mrityu and is also christened with the name Bhishm. Cue dramatic “Bhishm Bhishm Bhishm” music, followed by slow Bhishm theme.

We cut to a map. Quite a beautiful one. And focus on Panchal. We reach Panchal, where there is a crowd clamoring for the King to punish someone. Who could it freaking possibly be? Oh, shit. Shit. He’s Hastina’s Prince, Prince Vichitraveerya. (BTW, what kinda name is that?) Also, canon fail #4, I think. Vichitraveerya wasn’t ever this debauched in canon, afaik. Correct me if y’all remember something like that, okay?  Also, this guy gets a swell intro for someone who’s about to be punished, flogged, I guess. That guy, for his part, is watching the proceedings with a super creepy smile. He’s accused of drunk entry into Panchal and the crime of setting farms ablaze, which is a more serious crime than manslaughter, apparently. So he’s sentenced to death. Oh, yeah. He appears quite unconcerned, stating that his elder brother will come to his rescue. And then he goes on and spits on the Panchal King’s face. Bravado. The punishment begins. And…an arrow cuts through Mr. Drunk Trespasser’s bonds. Bhishm theme! Bhishm makes a dramatic entrance. A trading of words occurs, to the theme of ‘Your Prince messed up bad, we were just taking advantage of the situation.” Bhishm comes with a legit badass line, “Raavan thought he was taking advantage of the situation when he set fire on Hanuman’s tail. Do not set fire to Bhishm’s hear.” Dude. Badass. Referring to yourself in third person a la “Danger knows full well that Caesar is more dangerous than he,” type, much? Whoa. “Stop me if you can.” Mr. Panchal King yells “Attack!” An arrow flies, Bhishm stops it in his hands, breaking the arrow. Behind him, the Hastinapur Army streams in from the gates. Mr. Panchal King tries to kill him by sleuth when he’s picking up his useless Prince. This guy smoothly disarms him and slaps him in the face for good measure. Mr. Panchal King, pissed, gives a shraap. “Bhishm! You will pay for what you did. The cause of your death will be born here in Panchal!” Bhishm just gives a look as he leaves.

Camera focuses on psycho Princess #1, psycho lady #2. Amba. I dunno why, for some reason, this adaptation is showing too many women as psychotic. Canon fail #5. Neither Amba nor Satyavati are this psychotic.  Then follows a cringey love scene b/w Amba and Shalva. Before which the maiden sets fires to fields, and probably to her men also. Scene change. Camera pans to pathetic Vichitraveerya, who’s getting a lecture on the ills of alcoholism and the strength expected in a Crown Prince. He’s pleading for mercy as Bhishm easily manhandles him all over an arena, finally falling at his mama’s feet. Psycho mama fusses over her stupid kiddo. She scolds Bhishm for disciplining her son who had after all, only humiliated an enemy. Canon note: Was Panchal really Hastina’s enemy back then? Dunno. Bhishm is like “He’s a crown Prince. He cannot be weak.” Right, bro. Psycho mum: “You are his strength.” Followed by “A King’s body is like a golden chalice.” Bhishm nods. “But for the chalice to attain respect, it should be at the pinnacle of a temple. I only wish for Vichitraveerya to be like father, his name to be taken with respect in the people’s voice.” Rational, really. But psycho mama is having none of that, as she clutches her drunk and staggering kid close. And..skip. Because Krishna Gyaan. Wait, let’s at least know the theme of the lecture, yes? It’s about the duty of parents. Alright. Skip again. Precap: The Kashi Princesses are having a Swayamvar. Psycho princess is making eyes at Shalva. On the other side, Satyavati is asking Bhishma to bring the 3 princesses of Kashi to Hastina as brides for her drunk kid.

tagging @starsailororastronaut @butchcaroldanvers, @walburgablack, @iamnotthat because you guys seemed to like the first post.

[ambidextrousarcher]

Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews: Episode 4: Psycho Princess Wedding Problems and the Incurable Choke of Death

Tagging @ratnas-musings, @avani008, @butchcaroldanvers, @starsailororastronaut @justahappyreindeer, @chaanv, because you liked the other posts. This episode begins where the last one had ended. Psycho Princess has demanded Bhishm to marry her. He, very gently, refuses, stating that his prowess is not his own, it’s Hastina’s. (Did I mention Bhishm is NOT this perfect in canon?) Psycho Princess insults the royalty of Hastina, blaming everything on Psycho mum. Random guy (who’s the Mahamantri) gets pissed and yells that Psycho Princess will be punished. The more psycho Amba becomes, the less Psycho Satyavati is shown as, so Satyavati calmly states that she had ordered Bhishm to do what he did, to make psycho Princess and her sisters the Queens of Hastina, which she is welcome to be even now. (Did I mention that’s against canon?) Anyway, psycho Princess refuses. She doesn’t want to marry for joy anymore. She wants her justice, her revenge. She wants to marry Bhishm. Bhishm, calm and polite juxtaposition to psycho’s mad rage, pleads his inability to do so because of his lifelong oath. She wants him to break that oath, to give him living hell on Earth. She continues that he’s the reason for her pain, so as a punishment, he should get more pain than she. Apparently, StarMBH has a limit of one psycho lady at a time, because Satyavati is regal now, no more of a psycho, as she says “Apparently, you search for revenge, not justice.” Psycho Princess accepts it, says that yes, she wants revenge, but when this revenge is mandated by society, it becomes justice. I…didn’t really understand what she meant? She accepts that she will not get her justice here at Hastina. She swears that she will roam the entirety of Aryavrata and bring an entire army in front of him.  She dramatically turns and starts to leave the hall. Her way is blocked by swords of Hastina’s soldiers. Satyavati commands the soldiers to let her go, stating that she will not get help against Bhishm in any corner of Aryavrata. Bhishm stops her. Since he is perfect, he acknowledges the truth of Satyavati’s statement, continuing that it’s hence Adharm. He says that every complaint should be heard patiently and a solution for it to be found out. He tells her to seek out Parashuram. CANON FAIL. This show makes it look like Bhishm led her to Parashuram, for he alone has the strength to punish him if he is the wrongdoer. NOPE. Amba herself goes to the Kings, and failing to get aid because of their cowardice, she herself finds Parashuram. Seriously. Such character assassination to preserve Bhishm’s golden goodness.   Scene cuts to Psycho Princess trekking across hills and mountains. “Bhagwan Parashuram!” She yells. “Where are you? I have been looking for you for ages, you HAVE to appear in front of me. I will pursue you untiringly. Bhagwan Parashuram!” She falls and rolls across a thicket. She lands in front of a magic stone castle, which is throwing random stones. She crawls to the top of it. Enter Parashuram to his BG music. This guy looks badass too. A shivaling and a temple materialize out of thin air. Parashuram does pooja to the Shivling to the BG music of a Shiva mantra (The same one that plays in the Varnavrat pooja way into the future, but the tune is different, less urgent.) As he leaves, psycho Princess calls him. He turns. She asks him to hear her prayer. He repeats the Shiv Mantra, and blesses her. He ten asks her who she is and what she wants. She says she wants justice. She reminds him that he’s cleansed the Earth of Kshatriyas before. He says that yes, he has, 21 whole times, before he realized the futility of revenge. He says it in really fancy language, but that’s what it means, I think. He continues that now he’s more for the restoration of Dharma. He teaches eligible youngsters (like Bhishm). He continues that if she has faced any injustice, she should go to Hastina and unburden her heart to his favorite shishya, Bhishm. LOL! I was actually laughing at this dialogue. BTW. CANON FAIL. Nothing so flattering to Bhishm happens in canon. She tells him that Bhishm is the person who has wronged her. Parashuram goes full on drama Queen at that. He says that the ocean can overflow, the skies break, but Bhishm cannot commit Adharm. He asks her to search inside her heart for the truth, for doubtless she has misunderstood Mr. Flawless Paragon of Perfection. CANON FAIL. I REPEAT. CANON FAIL. Saying that, he leaves. Psycho Princess trails after her, yelling her sob story. He tells her that his trust in his student is absolute. He leaves then. She stays there. She keeps yelling that he has to punish Bhishm. Uh…skip. Krishna Gyaan. No. I’m not gonna watch this. Guys, I’m telling ya in advance. I will not review the Gita arc episodes. I value my sanity too much for that. Anyway, this piece of gyaan is about revenge, I think. Scene cuts to Hastina. Drunk kid’s coronation has begun. Satyavati blesses Ambika and Ambalika to rule over Hastina as Queens for a long time, that their children and grandchildren should follow on the throne. She continues that there is no greater pleasure than that, and that it was a shame that psycho Princess did not understand it. Ugh. Obviously, things are gonna go south. Drunk kid is slightly in distress, but he is trying to hide it. He’s clad in royal robes and trying to hold a sword. Then the guru pronounces the coronation (Rajabhishek, anyway) complete. Drunk kid is to sit on the throne after accepting the crown from Bhishm. He staggers near the throne. Ambalika is worried. She states that her husband’s health doesn’t seem good. Satyavati shushes her, saying that she should not say such inauspicious things during this auspicious time. Drunk kid’s vision tunnels on the crown Bhishm is holding. As he ascends the stairs, Bhishm starts descending them. And then drunk kid begins to choke. Blood spurts out of his mouth. Episode ends, with the incurable choke of death. CANON FAIL, again. Vichitraveerya does not die on the day of his coronation. He dies after a few months of ruling, of TB, I think. Precap: The ladies rush to drunk kid. He’s obviously dead. Scene cuts to Satyavati promising Ambika and Ambalika that their children will definitely occupy the throne. The younger women ask how they will have children now. Satyavati promises that they will. Both Ambika and Ambalika look creeped out, as they should.