Virginity in Lesbian Culture.
Let’s talk about virginity and the stigma of it in the lesbian culture. I can only speak from a bio women point of view because that is my experience.
When I was growing up my parents were pretty much apathetic to religion and I don’t really even remember where the idea of “sex after marriage” as the ideal came from. My brothers and sister were older than me by 16, 20 and 23 years and I remember them all being very affectionate with their spouses before they were married.. Somehow though, either through my friends, or culture or all of the above, it was in my brain that sex before marriage was bad.
Here is the thing.. I knew I liked girls, I also knew that I I couldn’t marry a girl. In my brain I thought it would “go away” and then I would want to marry a boy and all would be good. By College, i was no longer interested in waiting until marriage... in fact I wasn’t all that interested in marriage because it was a religious institution and I had no time for it. BUT I remained in the closet and a virgin until I decided to date a kind man named Jim. He knew I was a lesbian, because I told him. But I was genuinely curious about sex with a man even though it was not all that interesting to me. Here is the weird thing... I had not had sex with a women.. I wanted badly to have sex with a woman, but did not consider sex with a woman “loosing my virginity”. In my underdeveloped brain, sex with a man was the only way to “loose” my virginity.. so that is what I did.
I think a lot of us grow up with the notion that sex with a woman is benign so it “doesn’t count”. I know for sure that in my head, penetration by a woman’s fingers sounded lovely BUT it did not count as full on sex. That only being penetrated by a penis was losing my virginity. I just wanted to “lose it” “get it over with” so then I could move on, because I felt once I lost it to a man.. anything else was not as over whelming.. I was in my early 20′s.. not scared.. not really even anxious.. We had sex, he was worried since it was my “first time”. I assured him. And it was fine. No crying.. no upset conversation after.. just sex and it was, at best, ok. I knew immediately it was not for me and we dated for a few months until we sort of just “stopped”. I moved on and met my ex, Jen.
Jen and I went on 3 dates, came back to my apartment and it never occurred to me ONCE that it was “my first time with a woman” or that I was “losing” something. In fact I was so excited I could barely focus and it felt that I was gaining whole new plane of existence in this world. We were by no means “spectacular” the first few times. Probably drunk, over excited.. grabby and fast and giddy. But still wayyyy better than with a man. There was no expectation of a harmed emotional state associated with sleeping with a man, not for me.
The fact that virginity is something to “lose” in our language is disturbing to me. It implies that we have to give up something good. And we assign that “lack of penetration” as the Good Thing. Like we have this commodity and our “worth” is attatched to it and if we just “give it away” we are losing power. That is so gross to me. When we share intimacy for the first time or the 50th time, all are important because we are sharing our trust and our bodies with someone. Our value as someone who deserves care and respect is not contigent on just ONE time, the first time.
We all let culture, religion and the talk of men seep into our minds to tell us what virginity SHOULD mean to us.. Lets, as women, as lesbians, as bi women, as straight women.. look to defining what it means to US.. and us alone.. The first time for many things cause us to be nervous... driving, meeting someone, new job, even walking home a new way.. but none of these first are seen as bad.. like we are losing our ability to “drive a car for the first time.”.. Sex, done in a healthy way, should feel more like a first time that is important but the first step on a journey.. not more or less important then every other time as we move through life... IT is not our bodies or our virginity that give us “value” to others. it is the trust and bonding that WE willingly offer to someone else that gives that relationship value. SO we are not “giving away” anything. But rather we are sharing something that the other person and, hopefully, they are deserving of our vulnerability.
It is 100 percent okay to not be ready to have sex.. not just the first time but absolutely any time after that as well. One time does not mean you owe that person or anyone else sex. If you have sex for the first time and that person is awful, that is on them.. not you. You can decide how to proceed and it being your first time does not have any barring on your ability to decide what is best for you.
As WLW we can pass on to the new generation the idea that sex is not a commodity to be “given away” it is our right to share our bodies and intimacy with other people and our decision to treat every time as important as the first. What is given is trust and respect, and if you feel both of those criteria are not met.. maybe wait a little longer..this goes for relationships and one night stands.. as well as friends with benefits.
I know this view will be different from other sides.. I am one of the lucky women in the world with no sexual trauma and a fairly middle of the road family when it came to talking about sex. But I belive the general idea of beginning to redefine our virginity and what it means TO US and not to the world of man is important.
I apologize in advance for typos.I want to get this posted and I might go back later and edit...(in my spare time between 4:15 am and 4:28 am.)
