Jaith but it’s toxic…
James and Keith but they had a situationship back at the Garrison when they were teenagers. James who had internalized homophobia and wasn’t out of the closet, so he insisted on keeping what he had with Keith a secret.
James who would overcompensate to keep their peers from finding out he was gay by doubling down on bullying Keith/picking fights, while being affectionate in private. They’d end up in each other’s dorms with matching bruises, falling back onto the bed, lips and teeth clashing, hands pulling on hair and shirts.
Keith who always knew James was bad for him, but had been conditioned to believe this was as good as it’ll get for him, that any love he gets will come with a catch. James treats him like a dirty secret, degrading him in front of their peers like he’d never held Keith at night. Keith doesn’t think he deserves this, he doesn’t naively think James is a good (sort of) boyfriend. He knows this is toxic, he’s not stupid, but this is how it’s always been for him and how it’s always going to be.
Keith who got tired of the bullying and the fights, the push and pull. Who finally broke things off, not because he finally saw his worth, he just grew tired of chasing after the rare moments of gentleness, he gave up on ever being loved by anyone in that way.
James who got worse after the “breakup”, who fucked up any second chance he could have had. Who’s world stuttered to a halt when Keith left the Garrison, and shattered completely when Keith went missing a year later. Realizing he’d never get to mend things with Keith, he’d never get to apologize, not knowing if Keith would ever come back or if he was even alive.
James who truly did love Keith, he just wasn’t ready to accept that part of himself, and ended up hurting his chances in the process….
I’ve been thinking a lot about this… I want to write it but idk if I have the time/energy/skill to do so. So have my thoughts instead.
