are those still teenage problems?
I'm so unmotivated and not really happy and it hasn't been this bad for a long time. I'm okay when I'm around people, when I'm at school or something like that, when I have to do something. But when I'm home, alone in my room, I just stare at this blank screen for hours doing nothing and I feel so useless afterwards like I've wasted my precious time, which I probably did. And I can't even blame this on my period or something like that right now.
I'm listening to this song which was played as background music in a Gossip Girl episode. It reminded me of something, of an event where this song had a meaning for me, but I don't remember it and I never intentionally listened to this song either since I didn't know the name of it and never heard of the artist.
I just feel like my time is running out and I am aware of it but I don't do anything about it. Like, as if I knew I was about to die soon because of an illness and yet I just keep on living as if I were fine, although there are so many things that I still would want to do. But I don't.
And writing this I don't even know if I actually (here comes the first tear) feel this way or if it is just an exaggeration or a symptom of my apprehension with the A-Levels and having only one year of school left. Or if I'm just overly emotional right now for some reason like that song. (My throat already hurts because my body wants to sob so bad right now.)
And I don't even know, I mean writing all those feelings, I'm not even sure are true, out is probably good and everything, but in the end I won't do anything about it, because I know myself. Of course, it will be better tomorrow when I am around people that somehow let me forget all those insecurities that plague me right now. But then again, I'm at home, doing nothing.
I just realized how I don't want to be at school, or rather have boring, exhausting classes, and I just want school to be over, but when I am home after school I suddenly want to go back just to have people I care about around me. An obvious solution, since it has been quite present in this text that I feel much better when I am around people, would be to just meet up with people more often and spend more time with them, but then again, there's this little introvert over here who can't be stuck with people for an entire day without freaking out internally, so I have to have some time for myself eventually, even though I might not even want to.
I've considered asking my mom if I could go to a therapist for multiple times throughout the last couple of months, but every time I thought about it, I told myself I'm fine since I couldn't make out any reason why I wouldn't be. But also the fact that she would've asked why I wanted to go restrained me from asking her, and how do I even answer her that question when I don't have an answer myself, I just don't feel right and I don't know why.
I just want to lie down all day and do nothing, but at the same time I feel useless and unproductive which weighs me down a lot. It often takes me hours at the weekend to even get out of bed. And then again, I've only moved my place, I'm only at my desk doing nothing but stare at my screen, but it kind of feels better than lying in my bed since I've managed to get up and there is at least the possibility to do something which I reckon as productive.
Writing this text honestly is the most "productive" thing I've done since arriving at home. And I stress myself out so badly, it's unbelievable. I could drive myself insane with such tiny things that don't even mean anything and I just don't know how to stop. And every time I want to do something, or better, every time I get an idea of doing something "productive" it doesn't actually get through most of the times, as if my mind and my body were two completely separate things and weren't connected to each other at all. Every time I get such an idea I just don't even start, let alone stick through with it and I've started to question whether that is because I actually don't even really want to do it and am not too passionate about it or whether there is something holding me back.
