a suffering
inside my soul
too ugly
for me
to have the urge
to display it
with words

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EXPECTATIONS
The Stonewall Inn

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@effy-ruth-kingdom
a suffering
inside my soul
too ugly
for me
to have the urge
to display it
with words
i'm not breaking because he left
i'm breaking because all i still had of you left with him
Itâs funny how I remember the first time I brought someone here to this little pond. Both of us love-ridden, carving our crushesâ names into the bench, into the tree. The smiles on our faces when we thought of them. It was my first crush, a boy.
Itâs funny how he never showed any interest in me and so I had to go through this common pain of rejection. Oh, boy, did I cry and felt pain I had never felt before, I was miserable. But never would I have imagined at this time where I would be right now.
Because, itâs funny how I can see right through to my memory from 5 years ago and see those colours from this place, from my life shining right back at me. But looking at this scene right in front of me thereâs just a darker, gloomier version of that what I used to be. And looking deep into this dark brown shining pond ahead of me I can feel how the sadness and emptiness is closing in on this happy memory and leaves me left alone and lonely in my devastating reality.
guess if love were simple and easy it wouldn't be called love anymore
you spilled gasoline all over the floor,
the rain running down my figure,
spreading your toxic influence on me everywhere
and now I'm standing here
a burning match in my hand to keep me warm
so do you really blame me for turning away
when I was looking into death's eye
just by watching my feet go ahead?
I burned you
under the moonlight dust
and watched as the fire completely consumed you
I burned myself
making sure that every last bit of you
was burned out and nothing would be left
then I blew your ashes away
like nothing ever happened
now I just have to hope
that the wind won't bring you back to me
and set me on fire like you used to all the time
it's this ecstatic high on a magical day letting me forget of the real world around me. but then it passes by and the magic fades away to leave me in the depressed pit of my reality.
the kiss of complete darkness
I'm weak
I'm sensitive
it's just how natural selection works
should just let myself succumb to the fate destined for me
yearning for your kiss
never tasted you, but know it'd be so sweet
don't wanna chase after you, but know you won't come running this soon
just keep on seducing me and I'll be on your doorstep in no time
everyone'd say I'm way too young to feel this way for you
but you twisted my mind with this temptation of how you'd make me feel
and suddenly it was cold
the surprising warmth went through to my veins when I entered
it was soothing through my entire body and comforted me in this time where I'm used to the cold being attached to my body
in this comfortable warmth I weighed myself into safe haven without realizing
the ocean started to become restless but I didn't grudge
the waves started to lash out but I didn't give it a second thought
until the waves rose tremendously and ripped me violently out of my oblivious safe haven,
and suddenly it was cold again.
even now after the hours passed so quickly
my eyes still sting from the pain of the tears that welled up and streamed down my cheeks
it feels like it was only seconds ago that I let loose and put all my emotions into those little drops
but I guess it's just the remains of the pain still soothing through my body
I admit to making many mistakes yesterday, you weren't one of them, though. But I feel like I was one of yours.
roses
I am this beautiful flower covered in thorns to protect myself
And yet thorns never kept us from picking roses
So in the end all those walls we put up are for nothing yet again 'cause we'll end up getting hurt anyway when they leave us in the dust the second we start to fade away
i don't even really know who i am anymore behind that fake smile i put on every day
the villain inside my head
Can't be around you anymore
You're suffocating me when I just look at you
The poison in your voice is burning my skin
Just let me escape those chains you attached to my bones
When did you even turn out to be the enemy?
You're the villain in my story, in this tragedy called my life.
Do you hate me more than I hate you?
Why are you torturing me with the thoughts you plant in my head?
I guess you're taking over cos this mask I put on could never hide how rotten I am inside
And yet no one notices
You know, I'd instantly cut you off, but the thing is, you're me.
Never Have I Ever Kissed A Girl || Camren One Shot
It was stunningly cold outside for a summer night in July. I was already shivering just after the sun set. I still didnât know why on earth I agreed to this. Dinah, my best friend, invited me over to a little house party of hers with all our old friends from High School. I hadnât seen any of them since I graduated last year, except for Dinah of course, so I was more than sure this would turn extremely awkward sooner rather than later.
From the distance I already heard the bass of the music blasting through the street and short after my best friendâs house came into sight. I was just about to turn around and go back home and wouldâve told my Polynesian friend I got sick, but right in that moment that said best friend spotted my small figure and cried out my name in excitement, âMila! You made it! I almost thought youâd bail on me, Walz.â
When I finally reached her I only got a few awkward and quiet sounds out of my mouth. âYeahâŠ. here I amâ I added a slight wave to my greeting to increase the awkwardness even more. Dinah being her fast forward self and being a little tipsy as well, as I figured from her slight slurring, looked at me with a raised eyebrow and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug right after.
âYou can go inside already and grab yourself a drink, Iâll come soon as well.â Dinah told me after she had let me go out of her arms. Obliging her wish I trotted into her house and made my way into the kitchen where I guessed the drinks would be. My fear of being left alone to myself with no one I really knew had come true, so I figured Iâd just get some alcohol into my blood system in hope of loosening up a little.
As my legs carried my body into the kitchen I had been in so many times before I kept my gaze down, trying to avoid making any eye contact with already intoxicated people that rushed past me. I hated being so unbelievably shy and insecure, but I just couldnât help myself since this was a character trait I had to live with.
Whilst I didnât pay much attention to where I was going with me head kept down, I slightly bumped into a person ahead of me. Being my uncoordinated self, I tripped over, instantly lost my balance and fell to the floor with a loud thud, becoming the centre of attention.
The soft hands of the person I ran into helped me up since they werenât nearly as clumsy as me and didnât land on the floor like I did. As I finally regained my balance again and pushed the hair out of my face which blocked my sight I petrified in the moment I laid my eyes on her.
âOh my God, are you okay, Camz?â her sweet voice echoed through the room leaving me startled. Staring right into her piercing, emerald eyes instantly threw me back to the time I wouldâve done anything for this precious girl in front of me. The time when everything my mind revolved about was her and all my eyes yearned for was her gorgeous figure. I felt my heartbeat raise and my breathing quicken forcing me to inhale her intoxicatingly lovely scent I had enjoyed so many times she walked past me when we were still in High School.
When she removed her hand, she used to steady me with, from my arm I got ripped out of my thoughts and back into reality. The girl looked at me questioningly with her eyebrows raised so high they almost reached her hairline. In that moment I realized I had been staring at her for quite some time without saying or doing anything. In addition to that my jaw had unwillingly dropped as well and probably let me look like some dumbfounded weirdo.
âYeah, Iâm-⊠Iâm fine, thanksâ I finally brought out stuttering after what felt like hours. Right there in front of me stood Lauren Jauregui in all her glory. The most popular girl back then in High School and the girl I was madly in love with for years. I never had the balls to tell her that, though. Not that it wouldâve made any difference since she made it very clear that she was straight when we played Truth or Dare at a party once and she got asked if sheâd be open for a relationship with a girl which she answered with a simple âNoâ a split moment after the question filled the room, destroying all my hopes. Nevertheless, would it be a lie to say I didnât have any feelings for her anymore, even if they were only sexual.
âDo you want something to drink? You kind of look like you could use one.â Lauren offered with a chuckle as she put a hair strand of mine back into its right place and brushed some dirt off my shoulder.
Everything my body functioned to in that moment was a simple nod, earning another chuckle out of the beautiful girl looking at me. My eyes automatically followed her as she turned around and poured some sort of booze into two typical red plastic cups.
I hadnât moved an inch when she came back with the cups in her hands, handing me one of them whilst she casually sipped from the other one herself. I surprisingly managed to get out a faint âThanksâ while my eyes immediately darted to the point where her delicious looking lips met the plastic cup leaving me open-mouthed again. This time I realized sooner than before that I was staring and started drinking from my own cup to distract myself. God, this girl was so mesmerizing, how was I supposed to survive this night?
I felt the green-eyed girlâs gaze on me making me extremely nervous. âYou look good.â she suddenly complimented me, probably trying to start some sort of small talk to get out of this uncomfortable silence between us. I was still totally stunned by the girl in front of me and was sure that I wouldnât get a single word out of my mouth. So, I just decided to continue drinking from my cup until some angel sent by God saved me from this awkward situation.
Right when I drank up the last bit of booze left in my cup, practically chugging all of it, I got interrupted by a loud voice. âWalz, come over here! Weâre playing âNever Have I Everâ!â Dinah yelled at us from the living room. And I couldnât have been quicker to leave that kitchen and therefore Lauren behind and swiftly sat myself down on the floor right next to Dinah, my sweet little angel.
âOh, I want to know all the dirty stuff youâve been up to this last year, Dinah, Iâm in!â a voice said form behind me which I recognized as Normani who had been in the same class as Dinah and I. Short after the beautiful black-skinned girl sat herself down next to me giving me a side hug as greeting. Followed by the sweet little Ally to complete our group of the four girls from our old class.
âHey guys! Itâs so nice to see you again.â Ally said excitedly as always with her sweet little voice. I gave her a little smile as she took a seat on the huge red rug we all sat on as well. The three girls instantly engaged into some energetic chatter as I spaced out again thinking about the earlier events. I still couldnât get this damn girl out of my head after all these years. I just hoped I wouldnât have to talk to her again this night since she practically left me speechless with just a blink of her emerald green eyes.
My train of thought got interrupted by this old familiar voice. âHey guys, would you mind if I joined you?â Lauren asked timidly as she had never been a real part of our group of girls even though she probably came really close to being one. Sure as hell something like that was going to happen. Sometimes I felt like life hated me.
âSure thing, Lauser.â Dinah was the first to reply and scooted over to me to make some room for Lauren in the circle we were sitting in. After the girl I tried to avoid made herself comfortable on the soft rug all five of us sat on now, I met her addictive eyes. She was looking right back at me and I froze for a second, losing myself completely in the pool of that warm green colour. Her pupils were slightly dilated, which I blamed on the alcohol she consumed, making her eyes look even more incredible than they already were.
The invisible electricity I felt between us after weâd been looking into each otherâs eyes for what felt like hours got immediately cut when Dinah handed me a new cup of booze and spoke into the room. âLetâs start, girls!â I was able to tear my gaze away from Lauren, but I couldnât quite set my mind to why she was as captivated as I was. Perhaps I just had something on my face.
âCan we also say, âI haveâŠâ and everyone who hasnât done that drinks?â Normani asked before someone was able to start.
âYeah, sure, why not.â Dinah replied casually with a shrug followed by a slight sip of her red cup. âIâll start with a basic one.â Dinah continued as she eyed me with a smirk. âI have kissed a girl.â The words rolled off Dinahâs lips and instantly made something inside of me boil.
âI hate you so much.â I addressed Dinah as I took a long sip from my cup giving Dinah an annoyed look which only made her burst out into laughter. Ally and Normani joined her with a few chuckles knowing very well why I was so annoyed with Dinah. As I met Laurenâs confused gaze I realized that I had been so triggered by that remark of Dinah I hadnât even payed attention to who took a sip from their cup. The girl looking at me questioningly was the only one in our group right now who didnât know I was gay. So, I decided to fill her in. âI am the only one here who actually likes girls and yet I havenât kissed a girl. Thatâs why I was kind of madâ I brought out for the first time this night a coherent sentence whilst looking into this green pool that formed her eyes. Apparently, the alcohol did loosen me up a little bit.
Something changed in her eyes as those words slipped off my tongue and her pupils dilated a little bit. She was still looking a bit confused but there was something else in her eyes as well, but I couldnât quite decipher what it was with my intoxicated state. âI didnât know you were into girls. Why did you never tell me?â Lauren finally spoke up and I almost felt like there was a slight hint of hurt in her fragile voice.
âIt never really came up.â I shrugged looking away from her eyes trying my best to avoid that topic with Lauren next to me. Even though I knew that wasnât a satisfying response considering that I actually had been quite close to Lauren back in High School.
âMaybe youâll find some volunteers tonight, Mila.â Normani threw in with a suggestive raise of her eyebrows and a wink guided at me. I guessed that she was already pretty tipsy saying something like that and knowing too well all about my history with Lauren.
I just rolled my eyes dramatically as a reply to Normaniâs suggestion and tried to change the topic by continuing with the game. âNever have I ever been in love with a boy.â I said quickly before anyone else was able to add something to the previous topic. As expected I got met with a few groans and an âMila, youâre so lameâ by Dinah after everyone took their sip except for me, of course.
âYou know, Mila,â Normani turned to me after she took a huge sip from her red cup âonly âcause youâre gay, doesnât mean you can get all of us drunk so easily without consequences and that was seriously just plainly lameâ she started to slur already, and I had a difficult time understanding every word she said. âNever have I ever given someone a lap danceâ Normani finally finished.
âGuys!â Ally shouted when she saw Lauren and Dinah drinking from their booze âYâall need some Jesus.â
When Dinah finished chugging her cup she pointed her hand with the cup still in it right at Normani and started to slur some almost incomprehensible words. âYou my girl,â she looked her deep in the eyes, âhave wasted so much talent over the past few years.â She concluded with a serious and unashamed voice.
I only payed half of my attention to the girlsâ interaction whilst my eyes occasionally darted to the green-eyed girl sitting next to me, which made me notice how her head was ducked down all the time and it even looked like she had a faint tint of red on her face in contrast to her ashen skin tone. A few seconds later when my head turned to the older girl again I wasnât met with a ducked down head but instead with her inhumanly eyes staring straight into mine. Right when my eyes met hers the blush on her cheeks got unmistakable. I crooked an eyebrow and added a little smirk to it, communicating with her inaudibly. A tiny chuckle escaped her mouth short after and the slight hint of embarrassment suddenly turned into sexiness when she looked at me with her infamous intimidating and yet daring look. The smirk left my face and plastered itself on the face of Lauren when she saw my jaw dropping slightly and how I eyed her with wide eyes. The electricity I felt earlier this night between us built itself up again and we looked into each otherâs eyes like we were the only ones in this teenager crowded room.
For the first time this night I actually took a look at her body and noticed just yet what sort of clothes she actually wore. She was wearing a black long-sleeved crop top which exposed her beautifully toned stomach. I almost couldnât tear my eyes away from those well pronounced abs, but my gaze went lower to be met with slightly ripped white shorts showing off her legs perfectly. As I was finally able to force my eyes back up, I got met with an even bigger smirk on her face followed by a quick checking me out. We were looking right into each otherâs eyes for the umpteenth time that night and I dared to think there was a glint in her eyes radiating pure lust.
This just couldnât have been true. I mustâve drunken more than I actually thought I did. I turned my head away from her and took in my surroundings again. Ally looked horrified listening to the still ongoing conversation of Dinah and Normani about lap dances. Either time just passed by really slowly whilst I got lost in those familiar green eyes or those two had been arguing for several minutes straight.
âCan we continue?â I interrupted them in order to restrain myself from spacing out again and losing myself all over again in the surreal girl.
âYes, please!â Ally replied urgently trying to stop this conversation as fast as she could. âI have gone to church to a specific time in an attempt to meet someone.â The shortest girl continued with the game and all eyes were immediately darted to her in pure shock.
âAllysus, what happened to you?!â Dinah gasped out loudly before all of us took a sip from our drinks. âWas it at least worth it?â the tallest girl kept going with a curious look on her face behind the drunk glaze that formed itself over her eyes.
âNone of your business.â The Hispanic girl responded quickly with a nonchalant shrug wanting to tease Dinah. âI believe Lauren is next.â She added making sure to quickly change the topic once again.
âUhm, okay, I guess.â Laurenâs voice filled the room after she had been so quiet this entire time. âNever have I ever sexted.â She casually said causing me to unwillingly widen my eyes knowing that I had to take a sip of the drink. Followed by Normani and Dinah.
âThat is almost as disappointing as Mani never having given someone a lap dance.â Â Dinah commented, followed by a desperate voice from the smallest figure of our little group. âWhat have I gotten myself into, oh dear God?â
Right in that moment my eyes got drawn back to the black-haired girl like a magnet. She was looking at me with that lust filled smirk of hers again and her eyes exuded nothing but attraction whilst she quirked an eyebrow at me. I clearly mustâve been drunk already. This just couldnât be real, could it? This entire electricity that built itself up over and over again between us couldnât be one sided, could it? It was so surreal in that moment and the fact that looking into her eyes made me space out causing me to feel like I was on an entire different planet didnât quite contribute to believing this situation was real.
âNever have I ever used a lame pickup-line on someone.â Dinah ripped me out of my thoughts and back into reality again by continuing with the game I totally forgot about for a split second. I diverted my gaze to my best friend to resist the temptation sitting right next to her. To my surprise Dinah looked straight back at me with her eyebrows raised questioningly.
âWhat? Have I got something on my face?â I asked confused as to why she eyed me with this strange look on her face. I apparently knew all along this entire time, I did have something on my face.
However, my assumption got denied when Dinah continued to speak. âDonât you wanna drink?â my best friend questioned me sort of provocatively. I was still not catching up with what the girl on my left was referring to and maintained my confused gaze. âDonât you remember that one time we were at this party and you tried that really dumb pickup-line on that girl with that huge ass? What was it again? Is your ass from space?â Dinah finally mad me realize what she was talking about, making me gasp out loud in realization.
âAre your pants from Mars? Cause your butt is out of this world.â I corrected her. âBut what the fuck, though, that pickup-line is awesome.â I objected with her opinion on that obviously great line.
âOh my God, thatâs one of my favourite pickup-lines!â Lauren threw in joining the argument between us. âAnd yes, I have to agree with Camz, it isnât lame at all.â Camz, oh, how I missed that word slipping off her tongue. Â
âI am the host, I make the rules, now drink my little, innocent child.â Dinah quickly stated out before I was able to object and in addition to that the stronger girl lightly pushed my cup of alcohol to my mouth making me take a sip in obedience. âYeah, just like that, good girl.â
âJust so you knowâ I spoke up drunkenly after I finished my gulp, âI am older than you and not your child!â Dinah just shrugged with a little giggle attached to it. Right in that moment my eyes got drawn back to the delicate girl sitting next to my best friend and I got met with a sweet smile of her precious lips which I instantly reciprocated.
I got whipped out of my little trance again by a slap on my thigh followed by a loud voice. âYour turn, Mila!â Dinah practically screamed into my ear making me jump slightly. All eyes were darted on me now expecting some sort of sentence from me. I quickly looked down on the ground before I would lose myself in that emerald pool again and thought of something that wasnât as lame as my prior phrase.
After I spent some seconds contemplating what I was about to say I raised my head again and looked past those expectant pairs of eyes at first. âI have been in love with a girl from this group.â I finally brought out after this uncomfortable silence had filled the room for quite some time. When I looked around those expectant looks turned into wide eyes, raised eyebrows and opened mouths. My eyes stopped at some particular pair of eyes, looking right back at the ones that were only fixated on me. I followed her every move from taking a sip from her cup to putting the booze back on the ground, but in not a single second did our eyes lose contact. Her eyes were practically screaming at me to elaborate what I just said but we both knew that this wasnât the right time so we just continued with that game of ours.
âNever have I ever stared at a girlâs butt in jeans.â Normani continued the game and was able to destroy that uneasy feeling that built itself up again.