(the way Shi De frowned, jaw clenching, eyes searching for tenderness and love in Shu Yi’s face. the way he swallowed and inhaled deeply; as if readying his heart to be broken, as if readying himself to be led to the gallows; the way he asked, ‘what can i do for you to look at me again?’, so quietly, so painfully; as if he’s breaking at the seam, as if Shu Yi’s the single grain of rice that can tip his existence into happiness or agony)
the way Shu Yi lightly gulped, eyes momentarily going soft around the edges, the way he nodded like he understood
(except he didn’t)
he demanded sex because what's more dramatic, more demeaning, than desecrating Shi De's office, the one fucking thing that brought Shi De back to Taiwan? what’s more defiling than tainting Shi De’s presidency, the one thing that brought him back into Shu Yi’s life?
(all the things in this room, they were able to bring Shi De back to Taiwan but Shu Yi couldn’t)
(he is was the love of Shi De's life and yet Shi De left him and never looked back. he is was the love of Shi De's life and yet Shi De returned for a fckn job and not him. he is was the love of Shi De's and yet Shi De still dared to cheat on him and build a life without him and be happy without him. he is was the love of Shi De’s life, he loved Shi De so much, endlessly, unimaginably, and yet the vastness of his love couldn’t bring Shi De back to him)
(but this fckn office brought Shi De back to Shu Yi's doorstep)
Shu Yi put his hand on the left side of Shi De’s chest. he put his mtfckn hand on Shi De’s heart and demanded, ‘give it to me’
(as if Shi De’s heart isn’t already his, as if Shi De’s life isn’t already his)
(the fckn way Shi De convulsed when Shu Yi put his hand on him; the labored breathing, the longing, the tension, the pain of being so close but not having)
if Shi De really does love Shu Yi, he wouldn’t mind relinquishing control to Shu Yi, would he? He wouldn’t mind being subjected to Shu Yi’s mercy at his most naked, most vulnerable moment, would he? (x)
the second time Shu Yi demanded, ‘give it to me,’ his fckn hand swoop down to caress Shi De’s chest before going back up to cup the back of Shi De’s neck, possessive, always
(give me everything, trust me, surrender everything to me, not like the last time when you gave me nothing, love me, fully, unconditionally
(never leave me again)
and the way he traced Shi De’s face with his eyes first before his fingers follow; as if to make sure that what he’s seeing in front of him was actually real, as if to make sure that the Shi De in front of him was real and wasn’t just a figment of his imagination again
‘hm?’ the little mocking sound Shu Yi made and the self-deprecating smirk he put on bcs he was so certain that Shi De would never agree
(why would Shi De agree? Shu Yi is was the love of Shi De’s life but Shi De didn’t return to Taiwan for him, he returned for a fckn office)
the way Shu Yi leaned in so close he could've just kisses Shi De if he wanted to but he wouldn’t, the way his nose was so close to Shi De’s cheek, the way he could smell the sweat and grime of the day’s work, the way he could smell Shi De
(Shi De’s little smirk before agreeing, the way his frown smoothed out, the way his mouth relaxed, the way the pain in his neck and shoulders and chest fizzled out… it’s as if he was amused that this was all that Shu Yi was asking of him. he was prepared to roll a boulder up the tallest mountain and drain the endless ocean just for Shu Yi to look at his general direction again but all Shu Yi wanted from him was for him to love Shu Yi?)
(it’s no hardship, Shi De has spent his entire life loving and being devoted to Shu Yi; loving Shu Yi is no hardship, loving Shu Yi is who Shi De is; it’s his identity, his direction; loving Shu Yi is his freedom)
Shi De said, ‘okay,’ and that’s literally the moment Shu Yi's brain stops functioning
(he literally stopped blinking as soon as Shi De said okay)
Shi De said okay and Shu Yi’s eyes were searching, wavering between Shi De’s eyes, nose, lips, neck, fingers, like he didn’t know where to look
his mouth, it opened, then closed and he swallowed
he just kept on looking and looking
(he wasn’t supposed to say okay, he wasn’t supposed to say okay, he wasn’t supposed to say okay)
‘i’ll do anything,’ Shi De said and Shu Yi’s mouth twitched, quivering between a curse and a cry
(why did he leave Shu Yi, why did he make Shu Yi wait, why did he never email back, why did he never talk to Shu Yi, why was he happy without Shu Yi, why was he not there when Shu Yi needed him most, why did he make Shu Yi fall desperately and stupidly in love with him only to leave Shu Yi and never look back?)
the way Shu Yi swallowed again, the way he's speechless; he's weak and wanting and still crazily in love with the one man who emptily promised him a marriage and a loving mother-in-law
(x)
