Cw: discussion of weight, mentions of COVID-19
Since I was 5 I wanted to lose weight. For a long time I half-jokingly explained that it was because of me reading Merry Poppins and wishing to fly on an umbrella.
I never really DID anything for it. Not consciously. I had not a great appetite and sometimes forgot to it. I was (and probably, am) a spoiled brat, so I expected the numbers of weight to decline on its own. It was a cycle - I lost weight during school year and gained a little back on summer vacation. It was never a lot, I but I still felt unsatisfied every time.
I was slightly underweight for twelve years. I thought of it as it was an achievement. I had that "height minus 110 sm" thing engraved in my mind. My weight was approximately "height minus 115-118" and I was proud of it. I think that 11yo me would cry after seeing me the way I am now. Or not. I don't know and it saddens me.
Then puberty came and hit me like a train. I gained 10 kilos in two months (and grew 5 sm, but it didn't really mattered). I looked normal. I finally had some flesh on my bones. A lot of people told me that I looked better. But the thing is, after all those years, being skinny became a part of my identity. And I felt frustrated, and angry at myself and my body. I dreamed of being underweight again. When summer came, I was hoping to lose weight to return to my self.
It didn't happen. I gained weight again. At 12 I still looked slim. Not anymore. And I hoped again.
At my 14th summer I broke a leg. I layed in my bed and struggled with everything. I ate and read - like I always did, but I didn't move around enough to spent the energy. And I gained weight.
I didn't grew a millimetre since I was 12. So, I looked chubby. But of course, I thought of myself as disgustingly fat. Because it was my body that dared to gain weight. It was my body that disobeyed me. Because I still didn't do anything to lose weight - out of childhood habit. I tried not to eat sweets, tried to make some exercises - but I just ate more later, and I could not stick with my fitness plans. Hating myself was much easier.
A lot of things changed when I discovered Tiktok during the lockdown. My binge watching deepened my knowledge of English, I learned a lot more about queer community and foreign countries in general, but, more importantly, I discovered people. Different people with different body types who loved themselves nonetheless. And when I went to college that same year, I loved myself a little bit more.
I gained weight, I lost weight. I still cared. There were still people, who told me that in April I looked so much better than in September. But it was okay.
I lost 10 kilos last winter, due to COVID-19. (one thing lost by my family, fortunately). 5 kilos in two weeks ( probably, in three days when I could not eat), then two kilos in two months, then 3 kilos when I fell ill again. People told me that I looked better. I could fit into the clothes I almost buried in my closet. Before that I stood at the line of being overweight by the medical standards - which is, apparently, "height minus less than 90" in my country. After losing weight, it was not the case anymore.
I felt bad. I became weaker. I didn't feel like myself. It didn't felt right.
Summer before that, I bleached my hair for the first time. I looked good. People said that I blonde hair suits me. But when I stared at the mirror, it did not feel like my reflection. It was someone else.
It felt like that once more. Not for a long time. I gained a little again, and I felt better. The numbers were the nearly the same for a month or two, and I got used to it. I felt like my body were my friend once more. I had not that painful desire to lose and lose until nothing is left. It felt nice.
I finally gathered the strength to go to phycholotherapist and he wrote me a prescription for pills. One of the side effects was weight gain. I was afraid.
But my weight stayed more or less stable. I felt better physically and emotionally.
Month ago my doctor changed my prescription due to the new things I told him (i visit him every two months). One of the reasons were to help me stick with the healthy diet that I had to maintain for my stomach issues.
I lost 3 kilos. I haven't started eating healthier. I just don't eat. I had this problem before — when I skipped meals because I was too lazy to cook. Or because I didn't get the time. It just happens more often. Maybe it's warmer weather to blame, but I also don't feel the need to eat a lot.
I feel weak. I don't feel healthy. I can't force myself to eat for a lot of times. So I should not feel dissatisfied with my body for losing the weight I always wanted to lose.
One time I came to the conclusion that it was not only the change of appearance that bothered me. It was the change that I didn't do anything for. And I feel it once more.
I want people to do not praise me for this weight loss for it was not intentional. I want to feel like myself. But I guess I have to wait for when it will be stable again. Then I will do something about.
Or is that what I say to myself?