#whatitfeelslike

[cmyk-me]

The black one is my baby Tesla and the short cow looking one is my family’s.☃️

[provokingdrama]

"Ephemeral Memory" c.2021 acrylic on canvasboard, 12"×16" I have a bad memory, but it wasn't always that way. I developed schizophrenia in high school and had my first psychotic break at 18. I wasn't medicated for another year, but as soon as medication started, my memory became faulty. It was always sharp before. Schizophrenia, the meds for schizophrenia, and other factors cause problems with my short term memory. In 2010 I had a bad reaction to an antipsychotic and had to be put on an anti-Parkinson's med called Cogentin which effectively erased all memory of that whole year. I don't know how much emphasis MH advocacy puts on memory loss and short-term memory loss, but I do wish more research was devoted to it. For the painting, the eyes are sightless, some lines that are normally sharp are blurred (like a haze of inaccurate memories). The wind represents thoughts being tossed around, lost. #ephemeral #amnesia #forgotten #newpainting #ethereal #art #surrealism #visionaryart #igartist #originalart #mentalhealthawareness #whatitfeelslike #blind #limitedpalette #hazy #windy #tossedaround #memory #blur #confusion #forgetful #schizophrenia #metaphor #surrealart #darkart #darksurrealism #darkartists #outsiderart #gone #creepy https://www.instagram.com/p/CN-u8ZMJXQH/?igshid=1v1kx131htrhi

[thewitness-2002]

Asexual

It's sitting at the table in silence,

As your friends swap pictures of their crushes,

And every one of their cheeks turning pink

When you say that you don't have one.

“What's your type?”

It's seeing your cousin walking down the sidewalk next to the pool,

Sitting down in a chair with her bathing suit,

And your uncle telling her to cover up,

As you sit back wondering what that's supposed to mean.

“Just look at them, that's how you know.”

It's curling up half asleep next to your best friend.

She whispers to you how she loves this boy,

And you smile,

Until she tells you what she does to him when they're alone.

And it's your heart skipping a beat,

When she asks you why you never mention anything the same.

“What, you don't trust me?”

It's going to the movies with the boy who asked you out.

He seemed sweet,

and when you're with him your heart is made of butterflies.

But then, on the screen there is a couple much like you,

And they aren't just sitting in the dark.

“You're just hiding it from me”

It's the feeling of finally finding someone you like

more than a friend,

And someone telling you you're wrong,

Because it's been two weeks and you haven't kissed him.

You can barely stand to let him hold your hand.

“Come on, you must feel something,”

It's going home alone with someone,

Them inviting you to their couch to watch a movie,

Their hands on you,

The characters on the screen,

And your heart beating loudly in your chest,

Until long after you leave.

“Are you okay?”

It's visiting your friends for a night,

Gathering around each other, boy between girl between boy,

A bottle spinning circles in the center,

And you, fighting the urge to get up and run away,

But knowing you really shouldn't want to.

“Don't act like such a prude.”

It's the roll of their eyes as they talk about you,

The ones who have known you for forever.

They shake their heads in exasperation,

Saying how you've ever changed.

You've never changed.

“It'll happen soon, don't worry.”

It's standing in a crowd of people,

And feeling alone.

It's looking into your future and finding it unsure.

It's starting a relationship and counting down the days

Until they figure it out.

“There's something wrong with you.”

It's living in an ocean,

And being the only one who doesn't know how to swim.

Walking through a field of daisies,

And not understand why people are so impressed.

Literally every single one of them is the same.

“I'm worried about you”

I'm worried about me.

Flinching away from touch.

Second guessing every interaction.

Looking for patterns in the way people act.

Feeling apart.

Feeling broken.

“I understand.”

It's finding someone else like you and feeling

Like the sun has exploded in your chest.

It's reading stories where the characters reflect the way you feel inside.

It's staring at a computer screen in tears,

Because now you know,

“You're not alone.”

--TheWitness--

[provokingdrama]

Here's one of my oldest paintings, "October" c.1999, acrylic on canvasboard. October 1993 was the year I "officially" broke into my firstcserious full-fledged psychosis, but in October 1989 (up at the very top of the pic, maybe hard to see) was the year I'm pretty sure I entered the prodromal phase of developing schizophrenia. Prodromal is kind of like the "warning" phase with a few psychotic features, but not full-blown. I was only 14. I was scared of everything, thought I was being laughed at at school for really no reason. Everything was horrifying, the Satanic Panic of the 80s was in full swing, I was convinced Satan was after me, a whole lot of weird beliefs i never brought up out of paranoia. Hence the name of the painting and the "good vs evil" themes in the imagery. I'm sitting cross-legged in the center, just a kid trying to figure out why this is all happening. #art #darkart #darkartists #fineart #outsiderart #eyes #g_o_d_a #horror_sketches #nightmare #eyesore #horror #horrorart #macabreart #mentalillness #schizophrenia #schizoaffectivedisorder #schizoaffective #mentalhealthawareness #whatitfeelslike #justakid #popeofhell_art #originalart #ugly #toomuch #paranoid #paranoia #artistsontumblr #artistsoninstagram #instaart #instartist https://www.instagram.com/p/CGvl4nkJD3K/?igshid=1dnnugq3kzej0

[ploshansky]

[raphaelius2305]

#ThatsWhy ... #iKnowExactly ... #WhatItFeelsLike ... #AndThatsAlsoWhy ... #iSeekProfessionalHelp ... (at Subang Jaya) https://www.instagram.com/p/CdiaQjKvs1ioV43w5c79yKMMqR4YlrnhA3Oyzc0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[provokingdrama]

"Acute Dystonic Reaction to Atypical Antipsychotic Medication" c.2017, acrylic on canvas. The painting really is literally what the title says. I've been on antipsychotic medications (ive probably been given all of them by now at various points in time) for 27 years. Maybe my body/brain just can't handle most of them because at some point I've had this specific reaction (extrapyramidol symptoms, or "convulsions") since the first antipsychotic I was on. The first time it caused odd thoughts, blurred vision and visual hallucinations before becoming torticollis (involuntary neck twisting) that didn't get any better until going with my dad to the ER late the following night. Then years passed, nothing like this happened until 2010, in April. This time it wasn't just my neck & face twisting, it was my entire body. I was fully conscious. It was like a grand mal seizure. Every muscle system in the body took turns quckly contracting and relaxing, even my diaphragm (which caused hyperventilation and held breath, alternately). It made my face grimace like the painting. It happened all very fast, and I was terrified I'd die because I thought "but the heart is a muscle!" and that it was the only muscle so far not affected. I remember that a group of nurses were around me and I was hooked up to electrodes, but couldn't see because my eyeballs were rolling upward despite me trying to stop them from doing it. Fortunately nothing happened to my heart. I was given 100mg of benadryl which stopped the movements, and I was discharged, but I had to go back to the ER after midnight again for more convulsions. It was all from taking Zyprexa, an antipsychotic. I was then given Cogentin (an anti-Parkinson's med) which I was on for the next 9 months - it caused complete memory loss from April 2010-January 2011. I remember almost nothing. Just a few visuals. I still have memory problems and dystonic reactions for lots of meds (even anesthesia) bc of Zyprexa and memory problems from Cogentin to this day. So that's what this painting is about. #art #acrylicpainting #darkart #mentalhealthawareness #whatitfeelslike #instaart #instartist #acrylics #painting #outsiderart #realism #meds https://www.instagram.com/p/CLP80PYprQh/?igshid=1srbac76n5f3n

[blerdsunite]

#whatitfeelslike #nipseyhussle #jayz https://www.instagram.com/p/CLPl0BBBC2G/?igshid=1vb18mg6q8wd9