This is my enneagram ode to my two favorite fours. And yes there are other fours in the series, Kieran and Matthew but I wanted this to be about Kit and my OC Alyssa and their dynamic.
Also I realized embarrassingly that I've been forgetting to use he/they pronouns for Kit the last couple fics. I am a fool. I blame the ADHD.
Cw: Mentions of ableism and autistic trauma.
I really recommend you listen to the instrumental of Four by sleeping at last while you read this.
"There's a famous story that reminds me of you."
"Yeah?"
"It involves a dog and a bone. Perhaps you've heard of it. A dog is chewing on a bone and then it comes across and lake and it sees another dog holding another bone. And it decides that it wants the other bone for itself as well. So it growls at the other dog and the other dog growls back."
"Oh I think I know this one. But what the hell does this have to do with me?"
"Patience Ali. So the dog continues to growl to try and intimidate the other dog but it just growls back, so the dog opens it's jaws to snap at the other, and it's bone slips from it's mouth and falls into the water below."
And the dog is left staring at it's own reflection."
Alyssa couldn't sleep again. It was a nightmare that had awoken her. Ice cold waters and cruel laughter that had her bolting upright in bed, clutching at her sweaty chest and gasping for air.
It's alright. It's over.
That was what she took comfort in everytime she woke up. Not that it wasn't real because it was, but the knowledge that at least it was over now. She ran a sweaty hand through her poor hair, trying to flat it a bit. Obviously Alyssa was unsuccessful but the feeling and motion of stroking her hair soothed her.
The second thought that came to her frantic mind was Ty. A desperate urge to seek him out for comfort which she immediately scolded herself for internally.
You shouldn't be so needy. It's annoying.
Which of course then led her to wandering around the halls of the stupid institute aimlessly, trying to quiet her mind.
Alyssa would probably never feel comfortable in these walls. It wasn't where she belonged. But then again where did she belong exactly? Back in New York with her pack? Or with her family? She had never really been able to feel like she fit in or belonged anywhere. Even amongst her own people she felt like an outsider desperately prancing around like a fool to gain their approval.
So they could tell her what she was missing. The piece. The spark. The thing that would make her fit and make all her parts make sense so people would stop leaving and rejecting her.
Alyssa swept her hair back into a low bun to get it off her neck. LA summers were torture already, especially to someone with sensory issues who grew up in New York, but the panic of the nightmare hadn't helped.
She continued her way downstairs towards what she thought was the kitchen. Maybe some water would help.
The shaking had subsided and now panic gave way to crushing despair. The feeling that deep down she knew would never be fixed. Loneliness and self hatred wrapped up into a lethal combination. It was confusing, the shame she felt for wanting to wake Ty and ask him to hold her like a child because she had a bad dream. To whisper to her that she was loved and needed. That she mattered.
It was less about being afraid to be weak and more about the fear of being told that she was as insignificant as she worried she was. A worry that was confirmed for her everytime someone stopped answering her messages or stopped talking to her or turned on her so viciously for seemingly no reason.
Until she opened her eyes and realized that it was never real to begin with. None of it was. Just like her.
Alyssa was so stuck in her self deprecating spiral that she almost tripped over the person sitting on the bottom of the stairs.
"Oh fuck me!" She exclaimed in surprise.
"Pass"
She strained her eyes against the darkness. Thankfully her eyes were a lot better than they used to be when she was a mundane.
Oh of course. It was Kit.
Alyssa groaned. "Why are you sitting here in the dark like a crazy person Herondale?
Kit shrugged. "Maybe because I am a crazy person? He smirked. "Hey you would know."
Normally she would shoot back at them with all the snark and disdain she could muster like she had in the library, but there was something about their voice and the vacant look in their eyes that stopped her.
He kinda looked like he had been having as shitty a night as her. She sat down beside him on the wooden staircase. He didn't protest or even acknowledge her presence beside him.
For a while the two of them didn't speak. They just stared out ahead into the darkness, clearly lost in their own thoughts. Alyssa fiddled with the hem of her still slightly damp tank top.
She was still a little lost as to why she was here in the first place, sitting next to someone she was not a fan of and feeling sorry for them.
But it was also moments like this when she couldn't remember why she was so angry with him in the first place. Sure he had done a shitty thing and she would always be wary about trusting him with Ty but he wasn't really a bad person. But there was something about him that just got under her skin and she couldn't understand why.
In some ways he was a lot like her, stubborn, loyal and protective of Ty. Also sarcastic, defensive, emotional and deeply traumatized. He was supposed to be the kind of person who loved Ty no matter what like she did. But Kit was also impulsive, prone to outbursts, and his insecurities usually caused him to react in selfish and occassionally cruel ways.
Yeah. Nothing familiar about that at all. She thought sarcastically.
Kit hated themself so much that they kept missing the signals Ty was clearly trying to send them and it ended up hurting Ty in the long run and Ali kinda hated them for that. But could the same be true for her?
No that was different. Ty didn't need her as much as he needed Kit.
But still, in some ways when it came to Kit Alyssa often felt like she was a cat hissing at her own reflection. It wasn't like she could stare at it for too long without wanting smash the mirror.
Or like that dog in the story Ty had told her. She still didn't get the point. She should stop wanting what other people had? But it wasn't like she did really. She just wanted to find whatever it was she needed to become who she was meant to be. And Ali didn't want to become just like everyone else either. In some ways she liked being special. Being different. She was autistic but beyond that she was also different from other autistic people as well.
There were things about her that no one else would ever really understand and that could be both a blessing and a curse. She just wanted to make sense. Alyssa just knew that this couldn't be it. There were still peices missing. She felt so fractured and aimless. And deep down she knew it was probably her fault.
She wanted so badly to be glorious. To be the kind of person who would leave a mark on this world. Like Ty would.
To matter.
Alyssa was broken out of her thoughts by a sniffle beside her. She turned to see Kit attempting to stifle tears as he covered his mouth. She would've thought the sight would bring her satisfaction. But just like in the library, his pain only brought her more despair.
It wasn't because of protectiveness or a desire to ease his pain, but a moment of recognition and understanding.
"What's wrong?"
Kit scoffed bitterly, wiping at their tears. "Like you care."
She bit her lip. "Well let's pretend I do."
There was a pause. "I talked to Ty like you said I should."
Alyssa had to admit she was not expecting that. She blew out a large breath. "And it didn't go well?"
Kit laughed unexpectedly, but it was cold and filled with pain. "No actually. It went great. He uh, he told me that he loves me actually."
Alyssa was confused for a moment before she realized. "And you're wondering how long it takes before he changes his mind? Before he realizes that you're just not worth it?"
"Ok shut up."
"Why because I'm right?" She shot back.
Kit rolled their eyes. "No because it's creepy when you read me like that."
"I guess I'm good at reading people."
Kit chuckled. "Yeah Well guess what? I read people too. Why the hell are you here Alyssa? Why didn't you just go wake up Ty?"
Ali narrowed her brow. Before she could respond, he interrupted her. "I'll tell you why, because you think you're a burden and you don't wanna inconvenience him with your presence. Even though you know damn well he would want you to if he knew you weren't ok."
Ali rolled her eyes and turned back ahead, crossing her arms. "Yeah well I'm never ok dumbass, and you didn't wake him up either."
"Yeah well..." Kit trailed off. Alyssa smirked in victory.
"Good point."
They fell into silence again for a moment before Alyssa found herself swelling with the annoying urge to apologize to them for all the things she said in the library. Not that she regretted saying them, but maybe she had been a bit harsh.
She groaned before turning back to face them.
"Look I'm sorry for being so harsh yesterday. You probably didn't deserve that."
Kit looked genuinely surprised and then shrugged. "It's ok. You were just being honest. And you had every right to say those things to me."
Alyssa smiled softly. "Maybe. But still I don't want you to think that I'm unsympathetic to what you went through. With Ty I mean. It may not have been what you thought but I know how much rejection hurts."
Kit turned to face her, shifting his legs. "When were you rejected? I thought you were aromantic?"
"Huh?"
Kit began talking with his hands. "I mean, you don't experience romantic attraction. It really seemed that way based on the things you've said. Or am I like totally wrong here?"
Alyssa gaped at him. "There's a word for it? I thought I was just an asshole or something."
Kit smirked. "I mean..."
"Oh shut up!" She swatted at them and they laughed. A real one this time.
"Anyways I don't mean romantic rejection. Friend wise I've been broken up with, abandoned, abused and spat on more times then I can count." She hesitated, wondering if telling Kit all of this was a good idea.
But Alyssa didn't just want to confide in him. She wanted, needed him to understand why she felt so strongly about what he had said to Ty before leaving him.
"There was this one girl I was really close friends with. And for her birthday I wanted to do something special for her. So I in all my 10 year old wisdom, wrote her a poem about how amazing she was and I listed all the things I loved about her." Ali took a breath. "And when she read it, she was just really freaked out. I could tell. Like creeped out almost. She just didn't know what to do with all that love." She smiled bitterly.
"No one does. She stopped talking to me a little while after that. And she's not the only one. I mean even brushing past all the people who used to pretend to be my friend as a joke or to lead me on in order to get something out of me. So many people have just given up on me and decided I'm not worth it anymore. I've always been too much."
Alyssa willed herself not to cry. It wasn't until Kit looked directly at her hand that she realized she was starting to cover her mouth like he had. She moved it to smooth down her hair.
"My point is I understand that heartbreak if thinking that the person you love doesn't care about you, Alyssa said. And I understand growing up misunderstood and feeling like there is something fundamentally different about you because there was! I know you have ADHD like I do, and I know that emotional dysregulation is a bitch and it only gets worse. And I know your father never cared for you like he was supposed to and for that I'm sorry." Kit flinched at the mention of Johnny Rook.
"But I guess my point is that feeling that can lead you to feel like you're broken. And that self hatred starts to backfire and hurt other people like you hurt Ty." She wiped at her eyes, feeling that her hands had become clammy and cold. Ali really needed to take a shower after this.
"I think I hate you because I get you. In some ways I am you. And you still hurt him! You still became one of those people who abandons people like us! So what does that say about me?" Her voice broke slightly, teetering on the edge of normal and gasping like a fiddling radio dial.
Kit sucked in a breath and exhaled slowly. Then they smiled at her sadly. "I think all of this says, that you are a very good and devoted friend."
Alyssa fought the urge to sob, clenching her entire body. "Thanks. I'm sorry. I try to pretend like I'm this badass, but I'm really fucking sensitive. It's stupid."
"Hey! You are not too much and you are not too sensitive." Kit protested. They inched towards her tentatively. "Would you like a hug?"
Alyssa bit her lip. "Yeah, but not from you. Sorry."
Kit shook their head adamantly. "No don't apologize, you totally have the right to enforce your boundaries. I'm sure Ty would love to hug you when he wakes up."
Alyssa realized then that she actually had no idea what time it was. She peered past Kit's shoulder at the window behind them. Kit followed her gaze. The sun was just starting to rise.
The sky was full of swirls of tangerine and creamsicle oranges and blood orange which bleed into lighter buttercup yellows. They all danced together created a breathtaking performance of colours.
"It's beautiful," Kit whispered.
Ali nodded. "I've always loved sunsets. They make me feel so calm."
This was what she had been missing out on while she had been panicking over whether or not Ty really cared about her and spiraling further into another existential crisis.
True beauty hidden amongst the ordinary.
She gazed at Kit who was still lost on the glow of the sunset. He was a good person. That was the truth she had been too angry to realize. He had wanted so badly to become a person who was good enough for Ty. Good enough for his family and the roles that were placed on him. Kit made a mistake. He lost his balence and ultimately fucked up. But he was committed to making it right.
Alyssa could see that now.
And the truth was Kit didn't need to reinvent themself to become great, to be extraordinary. She could see there was something special in them. Something magnificent even. Hidden, maybe. But it was still there.
And if it was in him, then maybe it was hidden in her too.
This whole time, what she had been searching for. The missing piece. What if there was none?
Alyssa was messy. She was imperfect. But maybe that was exactly how it was supposed to be. What if she was already who she was meant to be? Who she had been dying to become.
Whole.
Alyssa and Kit perceiving each other is one of my favorite things to write lol. Also Zia if you're reading this I know I said I was gonna start with One but..I guess I lied? Mostly I just couldn't wait to write this.
