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How does one figure out if they are romo-aro and not just allo? I ask cuz I've wondered about being both ace and aro before, but romance is something I really love. Unlike a lot of aros I have always felt drawn to the idea of having a 'soul mate' connection with someone, a mutual devotion, yet I basically am not attracted sexually or romantically to anyone irl. I never date or have sex. The main focus of my attraction has been to fictional characters and more recently, system members. But I've never felt like I belonged in the aroace community because of how connected I feel to something that many in the community despise.

I think being drawn to identifying as aromantic is all you really need, and if you feel like romo aro describes how you feel about it that’s enough.

like. okay. so i have been partnering my whole life, dated a ton of people since middle school, plan on having a life partner (or 2) and probably getting married. i think i do believe in some sort of soulmates (for me, at least, but ive got a Thing with luck). romance is and always has been important to me, and so has when ive experienced romantic attraction. but my aromanticism has shaped my experiences and identity a Lot, and the way it, and the community has affected me is really important to me. its done a lot for me and being able to understand my experiences and romanticism *through* my aromanticism has undoubtedly impacted me in unimaginable and life-changing ways. being able to be aro, and accept that i like romance and that the way i experience my attraction is different has helped me understand both myself and the world around me.

ultimately, you can be aro, or you can be allo. and youre allowed to call yourself aro and later on find out that it didnt exactly fit. it sounds like you dont experience attraction, and thats really all it takes. but if not or if that changes, theres no harm in trying it out or learning about the community. the worst that can come from it is that you’ll learn something about yourself and understand yourself better. being part of the community will challenge your expectations and change your understanding of how the world views non-romantic, single, or otherwise independent people. a lot of allo people come out of questioning it feeling a lot more comfortable with being single.

if youre drawn towards it i say go for it. and liking romance and romantic concepts, or even romantic relationships, isn’t necessarily contradictory to what it means to be aromantic. its all about you. your feelings and attraction and experiences. its all up to you and i cant tell you the answer to who you are. but i think you should definitely play with it to find out. who you are today doesnt have to be who you are tomorrow.

#if youre looking for microlabels check out #romo aro #cupioromantic #fictoromantic #and uhhhh #i cant remember the aspec only-attracted-to-system-members ID but it Does exist #and so does #complic #and #plurelic #which might help #gl!#and again all that matters is attraction or not. and its ‘*little to no* attraction’ for a reason. all up to you! :)#what’d you ask?#whats up bees #hey bees #they speak #rambles

I want to move out so bad

#the problem is the no income #maybe though maybe I can get a little bit from YouTube eventually #I’ve been doing it for years and I haven’t #but I’ve gotten a lot better at it and I no longer exclusively talk about books #which might help #still haven’t captioned my enstars song ranking #mostly bc I got discouraged by the copyright strikes #(it’s fine they allow use of the content but I can’t monetize the video if I do get to join the program which is sad)

i suspect we have a batch of chickadee fledglings in the yard - i’m not entirely sure since young chickadees really just look like adults and i haven’t seen any recognizably young behaviors like begging, but it’s the right time for it, our chickadee population seems to have grown, and they seem to not be worried about chickadee etiquette & to still be learning the ropes of the feeders

#birds are my kryptonite #animal encounters tag #i haven't had a chance to look closely for gape flange coloring #which might help

Can you identify as nonbinary, even if you don't mind presenting as female/male or being identified as female/male? Because for a years now I've been questioning what I identify as, and while I know I've never really felt female, I also know I don't fell male (I did a lot of research and firmly know I'm not trans) but I also don't mind being identified as female.

Different people might give you different answers, but for me the answer is yes.

If you’ve literally spent years grappling with your gender identity, chances are you’re probably not cis? (Not that I want to define you or say you can’t be, it’s just that from what I can tell, cis people don’t tend to agonize or grapple with their gender identity in the same way that the rest of us do). I spent years grappling with mine before I discovered that gender wasn’t an “either / or” thing and that you didn’t have to be male or female, but could feel nebulously in-between or outside of that most of the time, or fluctuate.

And to me that’s what being nonbinary is - not fitting that dichotomy for whatever reason, in whatever way.

I “present” as female in my day to day life insofar as I haven’t gone out of my way to change or alter the presentation that my body just sort of naturally fits into. I don’t bind (though I’d seriously like to) and aside from pretty gender-neutral clothing choices (outside of what friends/family gift to me) and pretty much zero makeup, there’s nothing un-feminine about the way others perceive me. I mean, I don’t shave my legs, but that’s become a more recent thing and taken me about two years to get to a space where I’m comfortable going out in summer in shorts without worrying about others being weirded out by my leg hair.

What this means is that most people call me by female pronouns or think I’m a woman. I’m not, and I don’t identify as such, and online I’m out and loud and queer as hell. But I don’t want to have a conversation about what nonbinary means and what my preferred pronouns are with 95% of the people I meet, to be honest. it’s a lot of emotional labour I don’t have the time or energy for. So if most people outside those who ‘know’ end up reading me as female, it doesn’t bother me. I know how I look from the outside.

What does bother me are certain words, assumptions, expectations, and modes of doing things. Some of those would bug me regardless because they’re sexist, but others have caused dysphoria. And I struggle a lot more when someone I’m close to who knows I’m genderqueer doesn’t really respect or acknowledge that identity, and that’s part of why I don’t go around having this conversation with more people - it’s a struggle with enough of the people I’ve already had it with?

All this being said, I won’t pretend that this invisibility doesn’t make for a struggle some days. Days I’m more on the masculine end of the spectrum and feel more dysphoria from the assumption of those around me. Days I want to be read that way (nonbinary, or more masculine) and feel like I’m just in dress-up if I try, like I’ll never be taken seriously for the gender that I am. Days I dress in a skirt and make-up because femininity feels like armour to me when I need it, even if that doesn’t make sense.

It all feels... performative, though, when I think about the presentation of it. Because gender is an internal Truth much more than it is about what others see when they look at you. The social component is important for a lot of reasons, but it doesn’t tell you who you are inside, and that’s what matters.

And on days where I feel like “am I faking it? is this all in my head?” I remember that it being in my head is... exactly where it’s supposed to me. That I wouldn’t have spent this many years grappling with it and identifying this way if it wasn’t real.

So again, if you’re grappling with it, there’s probably something there. And it’s not about how the world reads you and about what you “mind” or don’t mind, it’s about how you feel. In a perfect world, all else and all societal bullshit aside, how would you identify, and how do you see yourself?

(And to be honest, I spent my early teens thinking “there’s no way I could be trans because - “ whatever reason I had, but now in my mid-20s, I’ve come to accept that I’m more trans than not, even if I never want to or intend to physically or socially transition. Not saying that’s the case with you, but I’ve gone back and forth a lot over the years, and part of why I love ‘nonbinary’ is because it’s a label that never forces me to fully decide “what” I am, because it allows for some of that nebulous and indefinable space. And if that’s something that seems like it would help you, then go for it? That’s what it’s all about - having a language that helps you accept and/or understand yourself).