I have been job hunting for the past 4 months now since I decided to leave the company I am working for, and since we have a pandemic going on, the job hunting is 2x more harder now than before. I have a small business and that’s where I get the money to pay for expenses or to buy needs, but I know I needed an extra income to get by.
I know, “I decided to leave the company” and during the fucking pandemic too. What’s wrong with me? And honestly, I’m not sure. All I know was that during that time, I felt super anxious waking up and going to sleep and anxious in facing my job and responsibilities-- I was scared to wake up at 9AM because I know my work will never end. The list of all the work I need to do just went on and on and on and on. I know I should be lucky because I have monthly salary, and I have work despite the spreading of this disease, but we’re all quarantined at home, and everyday you wake up, be a robot for 8/9 hours, go to sleep and the routine just went on.
I felt like this WAS THE WORST unlike the time where you hang out with friends after your shitty day and/or walk on the way to work before facing your responsibilities. Working from home is harder. You’re stuck in your own four corners, and you can barely breathe because YOU’RE JUST THERE. You can’t go out, you can’t destress, you can’t buy anything outside (unless it’s important like food and other necessities)-- I felt like I was stuck in that never ending circle and I felt trapped. But this time, I have no choice.
Aside from the work itself being stressful enough, you’re also with your family. And you know it. Not all families are perfect. They are probably one of the reasons why I get so anxious-- because believe it or not, I don’t like being around them.
I decided to leave because I want to take a break. I want to feel refreshed, I want to feel okay, because for the longest time I never really felt okay. It was a hard decision for me, because I loved working with them despite the everyday stress, it’s just that I know it’s becoming unhealthy for me and for my mental health. Don’t get me wrong, I talked to my supervisor about it, but I still decided to leave.
When I left the company, I realized I’ve been holding my breath for a long time. It’s like the knife was finally removed from my lungs and though it will LITERALLY make you bleed, I can finally relax. But it’s only a minute when the reality slapped me in the face. Where will I get the money to pay for whatever the fuck I need to pay? Where do I go next? I don’t have a job yet, what’s going to happen to me?
So now, here we are. I feel kind of stressed because it has been 4 months and I still couldn’t find the work that I am fit for. Countless rejection emails, countless interviews and phone calls, some employers really has the audacity to ghost me unable to provide updates regarding my application (which I hate because they could’ve reached out and let you know that you don’t get the job AT LEAST JUST LET ME KNOW), but don’t get me wrong I have been accepted in some companies 3x already but I was never sure if I’m ready or if the work is really for me.
Sometimes reading the job descriptions really overwhelm me because I feel like I still lack the skills for this certain position (whatever I’m applying for) and it just fucks you up. I can sometimes feel like the experiences I had weren’t suitable enough either. It makes you think you never learned anything.
Yes, I may have let some opportunities pass me by and maybe it’s because I did let it go because I’m stupid like that, but I’m sure something out there is the right work for me. I may not understand what God has planned for me ‘cause I’m a dumb bitch sometimes, but hopefully I’ll be able to land the right work soon.
I know and I’ve read a lot of times that rejections are just redirections leading you to the right path, and now I hope they could lead me to where I should belong.
That’s all for today, folks. If you’re unemployed just like me: 1.) Don’t lose hope. Slow progress is still progress, soon enough you’ll find the job that you’re looking for. 2.) It’s okay to feel unmotivated or worthless, but you need to remind yourself that THAT’S not you. You are your goals, don’t let the negativity of the world or the people around you STOP you from reaching them. 3.) Give yourself enough time to breathe. It’s okay to relax, and rest.
