종현아~ You have been dead for over a month now. Sometimes it seems like a lot of time has passed since then, sometimes it seems like none at all. To be honest I wasn’t too sad at first when you died because I pushed the thought of your passing far away. I didn’t want to deal with it and - most of all - I didn’t believe this had actually happened. Your death didn’t feel real to me.
But then, two weeks ago, I was watching a new episode of Hello Counselor and YouTube kept recommending an older episode to me when you had been a guest on the show. And I thought to myself ‘what harm can it do to watch it?’ But deep down I knew it would hurt. And it did. I cried a lot while watching it. You were so sweet and empathetic, you interacted well with the guests seeking solutions to their problems and actually gave great advice. I couldn’t stop watching old videos with you in it after that. Videos I’d mostly already watched during the past nine years.
I don’t really know if I am a shawol. To be honest I don’t think I have a ‘fan personality’. But SHINee has been the only K-pop band so far I ever bought a full-length album by. And SHINee’s music was my go-to happy music. And it will be again in the future. Just now, I can’t listen to it without crying. So I guess I am a shawol in one way or another.
I didn’t listen to SHINee at the beginning of my Hallyu journey. I listened to Super Junior and Girls’ Generation and Kim Hyun-joong of SS501 was my first ever K-pop crush. I tried to improve my Korean while listening to their music. But I was always open to new groups and when SHINee released the 'Hello’ video in 2010 I got hooked. Of course I’d heard about 'Noona Neomu Yeppeo’ before but 'Hello’ was exceptionally sweet. I didn’t notice you though - Minho was my bias, Onew was the leader, Taemin the cute one and Key the sassy one. You were always just the fifth one, the one who’s name and face I couldn’t remember.
This changed in 2013 because of the Kang Eun-ha incident. You stood up for somebody not a lot of people in South Korea (and numerous other countries) stand up for. I hope you didn’t face any consequences by your record company because of that. But I know some netizens gave you a hard enough time. Looking back you were so brave, you were braver than I’ve ever been in my life up to now. And it pains me that you paid such a high prize for that back then. As far as I know, you were such a decent person, a good person. And we had to let you go…
I started to like you because you showed your sympathy for Kang Eun-ha. As a bisexual it meant a lot to me to have an ally to our - the LGBTQ - cause in the entertainment world. After Hong Suk-chon suffered so much a few years ago your support was a huge deal. I took a greater interest in you after that. You turned from the one guy in SHINee I always forgot about to the one I admired most in an instant. I was so proud of you when I found out that you wrote songs for SHINee’s - and your own - albums. And I was also proud when you published your first book. In a sea of seemingly interchangeable idols you stood out because you spoke about social issues and had made the hard transformation from a K-pop trainee to a serious artist. Because of this liking you seemed more sincere… I didn’t like you for superficial reasons like other Hallyu stars but because I admired your personality and your talent. You were such a special, beautiful person - not just to me but to many others as well.
It’s so hard to concentrate these days. I’m busy at work but often my thoughts drift to you and I’m fighting back tears because you’re not here anymore. But why does your death hurt me so much, why do I keep crying whenever I think of you? I never even knew you. Is it because I have no other, bigger problems? I wonder about this… And my family and friends keep wondering, too, saying that I shouldn’t care so much about you, that I should only care about the people who are actually in my life. People I actually know. But the point is, I keep thinking that I knew you. The problem is that SM Entertainment put you in so many variety programs and talk shows - Star Golden Bell, Running Man, 1 Day 2 Nights, Happy Together, SNL Korea (technically not a variety program or talk show…) and many, MANY more - that I basically witnessed you and your band mates grow up. I mean, Taemin was 14 when you debuted. He was freaking tiny. You all were… And you felt like you were my dongsaengs. I watched you performing your first song, I watched you taking care of a toddler in Hello Baby, I watched you competing at the Idol Olympics, I watched Taemin getting married on We Got Married, I watched you going on a vacation on One Fine Day. And I remember very clearly that I worried about you when you told us about having insomnia on One fine Day. I hoped that it wouldn’t lead to health problems, physically and psychologically. But in the end it did. Or did your depression cause insomnia? We’ll never know…
Words you spoke on your radio show Blue Night helped me getting through tough times in my life. I’m heartbroken nobody helped (or was able to help) you getting through your tough times… What hurts the most is the fact that I feel like your death would have been avoidable - if only the world had been a little bit different, a little bit better. But this can be said about many deaths, right?
In your parting letter you asked why people live. I often ask myself the same question. Most of the time life just seems really futile. So I haven’t found a satisfactory answer to the question yet, I wouldn’t have been able to help you. 'Just because’ isn’t good enough, you were right. Still, I’m sad you ended your life because it didn’t mean anything but pain and suffering to you anymore. But I know how much depression drains you so I understand.
I couldn’t go to your memorial site yet so I just bought some flowers here, thinking of you. But I will return to Korea soon and visit the site then. I hope you are at peace now. I pray for your family, for your friends and bandmates. I pray for the shawol community - let’s heal together. I’m so glad I have you to share my pain with, you are the only ones who fully understand. And I pray for everybody working in the Korean entertainment industry - I know you lead a hard life so take care of yourself, just like IU said.
Goodbye now, Jonghyun. 수고했어. You worked hard. You really did.
