TRIGGER WARNING:
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE,
DIVORCE
Something was different,
In an instant, I knew,
I had instantly stopped
Believing in you.
I can name the one,
Soul fracturing moment
A self declared king
Finally suffered dethronement!
To the minute. To the hour
To the day. I could tell,
The moment your living
Pedestal fell.
The first inkling I had
That I was feeling this way.
Began the moment I knew
You would actually stay!
Your proposal came,
Danger wrapped in such fun,
Family gathered, so happy,
I only wanted to run.
No longer would you leave,
Going home for the night.
Allowing safe solitude
Or careful time for insight.
A cool wind blew, when
Next, you came through my door.
A treacherously cold chill,
I’d never known before
Suspicions aroused
I reconstructed the chain
That led you to tell me
I was simply going insane.
I asked. You evaded.
How easily you lied.
The disagreement too difficult
To shield from your eyes
Truth hidden away, you
Watched so very close
One slip of the tongue and you’d
Lose what you’d wanted the most.
How could you try to
Make me share in your blame?
Did you really believe,
I deserved ‘that’ kind of shame?
Who are you, this man,
Sharing my bed?
Filling my days
With fear, silence and dread?
Like yours, everyone’s monster
Is eventually shown
They worry, they ponder,
“Is my own cover now blown?”
I felt it coming,
This storm we’re now in
I challenged my heart,
“When did it truly begin?“
I question. You accuse.
Loud voices now heard…
Why do I try explaining
Or, even saying a word?
Hands meeting flesh,
I cower in fear.
Promises. Lies,
Forever polluting my ear.
I pushed. We fought.
Anger. Despair.
Don’t apologize now,
Because, I DON’T REALLY CARE!
I saw him today,
That angry child whom you hide.
You’ve tried so very hard
To bury him, deep down inside.
Mask burned away,
Your true soul’s been exposed.
Are you frightened now?
Can see how badly you’re loathed?
I married you, innocently,
In front of family and friend
Anxiously, I vowed,
By only death would we end.
Married bliss can’t be expected
Each and every day
“Living gets busy,
It just gets in the way!”
You repeated those words,
So many times
I believed craving safety
Made me guilty of crimes
Bills come and go,
Houses and children,
Eventually, you bury
The number of bruises you’ve hidden
And then there’s the moment
Her name is first said
During the farce of ‘love-making’,
How I wished I were dead.
How quickly your hands
Turned from pleasure to pain
Once I gathered the courage,
To request you explain.
Excuses; blame.
Forgiveness is gone
I do deserve more
Than just being your pawn!
I admired you once,
‘Honest’, I did
Long before I knew
This stranger you hid.
My new secret smile
Protects a brave plan
To safely break free
From a murderous man
One last moment,
Just to look back in time
To a very lost woman, believed
To be, simply, “just fine”.
We were young then, we two
We dared hope and dream
But twenty years later,
What did it mean?
There was a different life
We both hoped we might see
When you trapped us within,
This vicious reality.
We now cry, we both hurt
We both face alone,
The fear that tomorrow
May not answer the phone…