Bullies don’t evaporate when you leave school. There’ll always be some around. People who want to manipulate you and upset you - sometimes for specific purposes (monetary, political, etc.) - but often enough just because controlling your feelings, making you feel desperate, is the whole of the goal.
Quite a few of them work their shit out, grow up, even repent... hell, some of them even try to make restitution. That, I’ve found, is rare as hell. It’s usually the people who didn’t really bully, but who also never stood up to them on the victims’ behalf, even knowing at the time that it was wrong but that they were personally safe... those people are the most likely to blurt confessionals, ask for forgiveness.
(That was a really strange day, I won’t lie.)
One thing that does change is you. The one thing, in fact, that you have the power to change... is you. If you’re fortunate, you get a bit of breathing space, maybe even some courageous people on your side who’ll stand up to the bullying when they see it. What you’ll definitely get to experience is people being unthinkingly decent, who are surprised when you ask why they’ve done that nice thing... Because it’s the right thing to do, they’ll say, a touch baffled. Because I could, because I wanted to.
And the bullies will still be there, with new tactics that come down to the same thing as calling you names, with their mess of motivations that come down to a simple formula: they still believe themselves entitled to your pain, and they have made no move to change themselves for the better. Hell, some of them were those bullied when they were younger, who’ve decided to take control by hurting others. It doesn’t matter. The thing is: they made a choice to be that systemic cyst, and now you have a choice too.
Say no. It’s not always that easy, and it can feel like you’re the arsehole (because remember: you’ve been told that your feelings and thoughts don’t matter), and they really do their best to make it hard for you. But there are entire organisations (work unions (please join a union), advice bureaus, consumer helplines, housing officers, etc.) who are dedicated to reminding you of your rights and how to say no to bullies. There are good individuals out there too (some with, some without specialist knowledge of your situation) who will have your back. This I guarantee.
This year has seen me Going Through Some Shit with bullies. People who’ve succeeded in making me feel terrible, but not in making me back down. I literally shake, physically tremble in every limb, still, when I plant my feet and say “No, you’re wrong; no, threatening me won’t actually make me change my mind; no, I don’t agree, and I’m right not to: I’m not saying no for the sake of it...” I still feel the hurt and shame they want me to feel, that those already damaged kids wanted me to feel back when we were all tiny, but now I have people in my corner who say “I’ve got you.” And they do. And I’ve got me in my corner too; my stomach may be aching, and unclenching my jaw takes conscious effort at times, but I’m going to keep saying no to bullies until they get the fucking message. And maybe... maybe... they’ll learn a useful lesson too.
