#social support network

[fayrobertsuk]

Let me explain something

Bullies don’t evaporate when you leave school. There’ll always be some around. People who want to manipulate you and upset you - sometimes for specific purposes (monetary, political, etc.) - but often enough just because controlling your feelings, making you feel desperate, is the whole of the goal.

Quite a few of them work their shit out, grow up, even repent... hell, some of them even try to make restitution. That, I’ve found, is rare as hell. It’s usually the people who didn’t really bully, but who also never stood up to them on the victims’ behalf, even knowing at the time that it was wrong but that they were personally safe... those people are the most likely to blurt confessionals, ask for forgiveness.

(That was a really strange day, I won’t lie.)

One thing that does change is you. The one thing, in fact, that you have the power to change... is you. If you’re fortunate, you get a bit of breathing space, maybe even some courageous people on your side who’ll stand up to the bullying when they see it. What you’ll definitely get to experience is people being unthinkingly decent, who are surprised when you ask why they’ve done that nice thing... Because it’s the right thing to do, they’ll say, a touch baffled. Because I could, because I wanted to.

You can be those people.

And the bullies will still be there, with new tactics that come down to the same thing as calling you names, with their mess of motivations that come down to a simple formula: they still believe themselves entitled to your pain, and they have made no move to change themselves for the better. Hell, some of them were those bullied when they were younger, who’ve decided to take control by hurting others. It doesn’t matter. The thing is: they made a choice to be that systemic cyst, and now you have a choice too.

Say no. It’s not always that easy, and it can feel like you’re the arsehole (because remember: you’ve been told that your feelings and thoughts don’t matter), and they really do their best to make it hard for you. But there are entire organisations (work unions (please join a union), advice bureaus, consumer helplines, housing officers, etc.) who are dedicated to reminding you of your rights and how to say no to bullies. There are good individuals out there too (some with, some without specialist knowledge of your situation) who will have your back. This I guarantee.

This year has seen me Going Through Some Shit with bullies. People who’ve succeeded in making me feel terrible, but not in making me back down. I literally shake, physically tremble in every limb, still, when I plant my feet and say “No, you’re wrong; no, threatening me won’t actually make me change my mind; no, I don’t agree, and I’m right not to: I’m not saying no for the sake of it...” I still feel the hurt and shame they want me to feel, that those already damaged kids wanted me to feel back when we were all tiny, but now I have people in my corner who say “I’ve got you.” And they do. And I’ve got me in my corner too; my stomach may be aching, and unclenching my jaw takes conscious effort at times, but I’m going to keep saying no to bullies until they get the fucking message. And maybe... maybe... they’ll learn a useful lesson too.

[mbti-notes]

Hello! INFJ here. I recently moved to a new city, and I don't have any friends here. What does not help the case is that my previous friend circle broke up basically, bc everyone went to different ways in life. This is the first time in my life, when I'm alone. So learned from mistakes, now I want to make new friends here in the new place, but I don't know how to start. Do you have any recommendation? It can be about the good mindset for this, or what would you do. I'd like to hear your opinion.

Generally speaking, you need good social skills to have a healthy social life, and emotional intelligence is the most important component. Whether you're looking for a friend or a date, all relationships begin with the first moments of emotional connection. Whether the relationship evolves further depends on the ability of both parties to keep the emotional connection going and growing. Socializing well requires several capabilities, all of which can be improved through learning and practice:

1) Openness: Approach people with a genuine willingness to engage, receive, and contribute. Give people the benefit of the doubt by assuming they are a good relationship candidate until there is evidence otherwise. When you approach socializing with full openness, you are actively looking for relationship opportunities all around you, whenever and wherever people appear. Psychological issues like self-absorption, distrust, apathy, depression, pessimism, cynicism, judgmentalness, and prejudice get in the way of openness and should be remedied through self-improvement.

2) Risk-Taking: Being "new in town" can be a great way to start a conversation because it allows you to approach people and solicit information without appearing weird or nosy. If you want someone to engage with you, you have to put out some kind of "invitation" or "offer" to let them know that an opportunity for connection is available. For example, use small talk to get to know a stranger, invite an old friend for an activity, or offer help to someone in need of assistance. The degree of commitment of the invitation/offer should be appropriate to how well you know each other. Risk-taking implies that a person should be proactive and assertive, but this doesn't guarantee you will get what you expect in return. People aren't obligated to take up your invitations and offers, so you have to be able to move on quickly from dead ends, declines, or rejections. If you are unable to handle emotional risk gracefully due to psychological issues with fear, anxiety, shame, anger, or past trauma, then it is advisable to undergo therapy to resolve the issue.

3) Give-and-Take: When people present you with an opportunity to connect, you have to be able to read the cues and respond appropriately, in a way that lets the other person know you are interested in continuing. This includes things such as: showing respect, taking turns initiating, being fully present and listening, asking thoughtful questions to further conversation, answering questions in full sentences, sharing your experience, giving energy, mirroring body language, reflecting emotions, validating their experience. Remember that the majority of communication takes place through emotions. Emotional communication is like playing a noncompetitive game of catch, where you keep passing the ball between you and try not to drop it. The game ends when both agree to it or when nobody wants to pick the ball back up. For various reasons, some people do not have natural aptitude for picking up social cues and/or do not have good knowledge of socially appropriate responses, in which case, some formal study and practice may be required (see the recommended books on the resources list).

4) Perspective-Taking: A relationship moves beyond superficial exchange to become "close" when you care more, commit more, get involved in each other's daily life, understand each other's point of view, and look out for each other in a reciprocal way. This requires that you are able to step outside of yourself and enter into the experience of another, through cognitive and emotional empathy. Unfortunately, many people live a life that is too full/fast/messy to include another person. Remember that a close relationship requires time and effort, so you may have to reconfigure your priorities to ensure you devote enough to your friendships.

5) Meaning-Making: A relationship becomes "intimate" when two people are able to generate meaningful experiences together. This usually happens through: reinforcing shared values and ideals, participating in shared rituals and traditions, pursuing important goals together, processing emotional events together, supporting and helping each other through challenging and difficult times. An intimate relationship means that two people are close enough for differences and old baggage to create disagreement and conflict, which means that both parties need to have good conflict resolution skills and enough emotional maturity to communicate constructively through disagreements.

Remember that socializing is an art, not a science. You have to be adaptable and go with the flow of what's happening, rather than relying on fixed rules. Not everyone's going to be your BFF, so make room in life for all kinds of different relationships, if you hope to create a strong social support network.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I’m an INFP dating an ISTP in a long-distance relationship. We’re both 21 and have been dating for about 3 years. But I have a problem with our relationship that I don’t know how to fix. We’re really attached to each other and spend as much time as possible together, although I am definitely the clingier one most of the time (he has his moments too).

I find myself getting really defensive and on guard whenever he acts more “neutral” to me or makes “logical” observations… I know it’s stupid, but I start taking everything offensively when he’s not overtly affectionate or lovey-dovey with me, which I know rationally isn’t proper, but in the moment I can’t help but get emotional over nothing, and I kind of feel myself being destructive but struggle to resolve it anyways. I’m surprised he tolerates me, I’m sure it’s incredibly annoying, and sometimes even his reassurance isn’t enough for me because it feels shallow or like he’s just saying what I want to say since he usually isn’t very elaborate about his feelings or moods.

I guess it kind of scares me that I can’t read him, even though he’ll say there’s nothing to read… I can’t help but assume he’s against me or doesn’t like me or something in the moment if he’s not flirty or affectionate, when he’s probably just being his normal self. I also get stupidly jealous when he hangs out with his friends, although he usually tells me he misses me when we can’t spend time together or talk and that he’d rather be with me.

I think it’s because compared to him I lack a social life… most of my friends aren’t close to me anymore and don’t really care about me in my opinion, so I rarely see them. All I do is go to college, and I don’t have any real friends there either, and I still live with my parents who can be toxic and overbearing. So I really only have him, and it’s just hard. But I don’t like the direction my mentality is going, and I don’t want to get worse, so I guess I’m asking for some advice or steps I can take to improve myself and feel more secure in my relationship.

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The more dependent you are on something, the more you will fear losing it, which often leads to desperate or overbearing behavior. As a general rule, you shouldn't depend on only one person to fulfill all of your emotional needs. By doing this, you turn love into a burden for your romantic partner. While they may be willing to shoulder the burden, it isn't fair to them, and it sucks all the fun out of the relationship. How can dominant Fi be healthy and feel at peace when you're behaving in a way that is exploitative?

You've already pointed out a major aspect of the problem: you don't have any other social and emotional supports in your life. If you're in college, it means you're an adult, but you aren't properly nurturing adult independence. Independence doesn't mean you have to do everything alone, rather, it means you have to take the initiative to get the things you need and want in life. Independent people take matters into their own hands and don't waste time with waiting around, self-pity, or wishful thinking.

For example, you could put more effort into building yourself a social support network as well as engaging in activities outside of your romantic relationship. Many introverts struggle with this. You don't have to be the life of the party or a social butterfly to build a social support network. A small handful of carefully chosen friends should suffice. Join clubs or group activities. Observe some good friend candidates and take the initiative to strike up a relationship with them. If it works out, great. If it doesn't work out as expected, oh well, simply move on to the next person.

Remember that once you leave school and enter the workforce, it becomes much more difficult to make new friends. College is an ideal time to make friends because there's much more opportunity to meet like-minded people. Knowing more people in college can open more doors for you personally and professionally. Don't waste the opportunities right in front of you. This will require you to develop auxiliary Ne and entertain a wider range of possibility in your life (see the Type Development Guide). Ne development is also necessary for changing repetitive patterns of behavior, through choosing new and different paths for opening yourself up to the world.

[mbti-notes]

My 20 y/o brother is ftm trans and he's Enfj. I want to be more supportive and be there for him. He gets a lot of verbal harassment on the daily since he transitioned. I've seen him fall into a grip this year and I'm the only one he listens to now since our parents aren't supportive. How can I help?

As much as you would like to, it isn’t good for personal growth to try to shield people from the world. He is responsible for learning how to maintain his psychological well-being. That said, you can be a good friend. Listen and offer support when he needs it. It’s important for LGBTQ individuals to avoid internalizing hate. The best way to do that is to have community to lean on. Help/encourage him to build a good social support network that provides a space for feeling care, kindness, and acceptance.

[rajuakondo-blog]

How can I improve my mental Well-being? - newhopepsychology

Mental wellbeing incorporates a healthy body, healthy connections, and a healthy soul, as well as a healthy mind. wellbeing associate with physical health

[newhopepsychology]

How can I improve my mental Well-being? - newhopepsychology

Mental wellbeing incorporates a healthy body, healthy connections, and a healthy soul, as well as a healthy mind. wellbeing associate with physical health

[running-through-the-field]

I see other people ask for messages or asks or something of like advice or inspiration or encouragement and actually receive asks and that makes me sooo happy for them but at the same time I get really bitter bc whenever I ask for stuff like that I rarely receive anything. I don't get to hear peoples opinions or thoughts or get help from others its just like I have almost no support network of any kind whether it's irl or online and that makes me really sad bc support networks are so important for mental and physical health and confidence and just a whole bunch of things. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I don't open up to people enough, or maybe too much. I'm not sure. I just wish I had more interaction with people, especially when I like ask or beg for it. Idk. It just seems like I'm usually the one consoling people or helping them and people rarely ever do that kind of thing for me. I'm not even sure anyone cares tbh bc that's how little support network I have. Sighh. I'm gaining a lot of confidence and stuff and getting better physically and mentally and socially but I'm still missing basic things like friends and social support networks. It's getting better but it just feels like whenever I want or need help of some kind people aren't willing to offer help, or even just a listening ear. Which is probably why I go around telling random strangers my life story; they're the only ones who seem to listen. But yeah. A social support network is what I really want and crave and need to move further forward in my various endeavours.