Working in a Male-Dominated Environment
Merri Estren, Class of 2009
Hi Baldwins! I have been loving these columns on financial literacy and thought perhaps it might be interesting if we broadened the columns to include our experiences in the workplace and what we’ve gained from them, so we can all potentially learn from each other. As an up-front disclaimer, I by NO means claim to be an expert on the topic of working in large groups of men. Every time I think I’ve got some aspect of it figured out, I run into new challenges and end up feeling frustrated but ultimately also learning something new. For those of you who read this, I would love to hear your opinions on what you think of these tips (feel free to disagree) and to offer your own, because I could certainly always use advice for dealing with men in any sort of situation. (For. Real.)
I’ve worked with groups of guys ever since I was an engineer at Duke, but my idea for this column was mostly brought on by my experiences working on an all-male team on an airlines project (the airlines sector at my firm is completely male dominated) in Manila in the Philippines last year. This was an extreme example of a “work with all men” situation, as not only did I have to see them for minimum 10 hours a day just for work, but I basically lived with them, traveled with them, and went out with them, as we were in a very intense environment and all living away from home. So, a lot of things got amplified and at times I thought I honestly couldn’t handle it, but when I look back on the experience, I realize how instrumental it was in shaping my views on how to work with guys (for better or for worse).
So, without further ado, here are some things I’ve learned that hopefully will be helpful if you are ever in a male-dominated work situation…
Set boundaries inside the workplace from the beginning of the project
This is really important to do, and really important to make clear from the start. In my situation, I was actually more senior than any of the other guys, and because sometimes I tried to be their friend rather than their superior in the workplace, I often was disrespected. Particularly if you are managing guys, make sure to pull them aside at the start of your project or piece of work with them and lay down some rules about how you work, how you like to be reported to, how you expect communication to go, etc.
Do your best to not take insults or crude remarks personally
This is really hard for me. I am of the opinion that if you’re offended by something, you should speak up. However, when you are the only female surrounded by a group of men, it’s more than likely that they will feel the need to make crude jokes, insulting remarks about women in general, or share generally disgusting stories about themselves (eg, let’s all discuss the weirdest places we have peed) just to see how you will react. I know for a fact (as they told me this was on purpose later in the project) that a lot of the time, a guy may just be saying these things to try to get a rise out of you. I’ve found that the best reaction to utterly absurd remarks is to raise an eyebrow or give them a short disbelieving stare but not react more than that, and definitely not to start arguing back or yelling at them. (Particularly if these remarks are actually occurring in the office itself.) By basically ignoring them when they tried to get under my skin, I’d find that they soon stopped with the crude jokes…at least for the day.
Another thing you may have to deal with is casual insults that subtly undercut your ability. In my project in Manila, we were a very junior team where I was essentially the most senior person aside from upper management. Towards the beginning of the case, almost every day, one of the guys would make a remark something along the lines of “Man, I really wish we had more experienced people than you to manage us.” I initially took this really personally and was quite hurt, but by the end of the project, I would typically just respond with “Well we don’t and I’m confident in how well we can work together as a team, so let’s think about how to do X” and then change the subject. It’s amazing how much better men respond to you when you are matter of fact as opposed to emotional.
However, know your limits as to what kind of behavior you will and won’t tolerate, and plan a response for comments or behavior that you find to be unacceptable
I would like to reframe the above by saying that you definitely should not be afraid to get mad if something truly awful is said. The guys that I worked with did indeed say some truly awful things about women (girls they were dating / cheating on or crude remarks about their female friends) and this was usually not in the actual workplace environment, so I would respond differently if I was really offended. Saying something like “You know, that’s a really sexist remark” without laughing and just staring them down goes a long way. If things got really bad, I would remove myself from the situation to ensure I didn’t say anything really mean that I’d regret later.
If you are frustrated or upset, leave the situation temporarily to get some space and gather your thoughts before coming back to the work environment
So yes, that leads right into my next point. I haven’t read Lean In yet (my copy is being shipped all the way from America so is taking a while), but apparently in the book Sheryl Sandberg asserts that it’s sometimes ok to cry in front of your colleagues. I adore Sheryl and she is my idol but I may have to politely disagree with her on that point. I would sooner have hurled myself out a window than cry in front of the boys that I worked with in the Philippines. Unfortunately, there are many men that will absolutely see crying as a sign of weakness. Although it unsettles them and in some cases may result in them feeling bad about something they’ve said or done, ultimately, I think it is negative for your working relationship. As a really emotional person and as someone whose job basically controls her personal life, I am still learning how to process my emotions when my job is not going well. The best action I know how to take for myself is just to say you need a minute to think things through and then either go to the bathroom or better yet take a quick walk outside. After five minutes of alone time, I can almost always gather the strength to go back and face the situation.
Outside the workplace, decide on how friendly you want to be and think through how this will affect the workplace environment
Once you’ve figured out what your working relationship is like, try to then think through similar boundaries for an out of office friendship. Sharing every little detail of your personal life with them probably isn’t the smartest idea. But going out for drinks and sharing stories about other people at the company or people you have in common is obviously fine. I am not the best at boundaries (aka, I would be happy to tell someone I’ve recently met most of my life story), so if you’re at all like that, think through what you say before you say it!
Except in very rare situations or circumstances, do not hook up with your male co-worker(s)
This seems obvious, right? Wrong. The real question for me is why wouldn’t you want to hook up with a male co-worker? After all, they are the most accessible population, and if you are in a company where you work long hours, you will be seeing a lot of them, and they probably have the same interests as you and understand your lifestyle, etc etc. But as someone who has made this mistake, seriously…don’t do it. It won’t ruin your career, but it will more than likely make you feel horrible for quite a while afterwards. Even if you are the type of person who can separate physical from emotional intimacy, it is much, MUCH more difficult to do when you have to see the person every day and work with them and act like nothing has ever happened. If you must do it, I shall support you (because it’s fun and daring), but choose wisely – aka, hooking up with your direct manager or someone you are supervising takes all of the aforementioned and makes it far worse. If your target is in your peer group or in a different department, that situation is certainly far easier to navigate. Oh, and hooking up with multiple guys in the same office? Don’t think for a second that people will not talk about you behind your back, because they will. Choose one target if you must, and for goodness sake be discreet about it.
Accept that (particularly if you are managing guys younger than you or close to your age), you will not always be liked
We’ve all heard it before – men who are assertive go far, whereas women who are assertive are seen as bitchy. I love and need to be liked. I am only just starting to accept that not everyone who I manage will like me. I would love to be seen as that awesome smart cool manager who’s my friend but also does such a great job at everything, but we can’t always be everything at once. The best response to obstinance or a bad attitude is a calm and collected front. When I was confronted with annoyed responses such as “This is an impossible task” or “I will not be able to do this” I would say something along the lines of “I know this is really difficult and I’m sorry, but we have to make our best attempt before going back to the manager so we can say we’ve tried every possible path of research”. Don’t apologise too much, but a well-placed “I’m sorry” when a team has to work late or do something unreasonably annoying (as is the case in consulting at least once a week) can definitely show your team you do care.
Learn to strike a balance between having fun and being professional
This was all just really serious. Please don’t think for a moment that working with an all-male team is not heaps of fun, particularly when you are all in a foreign country getting $20 bottle service at a club followed by free room service when you get back to your hotel. One of the aspects I love most about my job is that many of us hang out outside the workplace frequently and some of my closest friends in America are the people I started with at L.E.K. (Ok so they’re mostly women but that’s beside the point.) Working with an all-male team in such an intense environment turned me into a more spontaneous and fun person, so don’t be afraid to have a good time outside the workplace. Just keep in mind that sometimes the female-male dynamic can be delicate and be aware of your surroundings and the attitude of your male co-workers.
I am (mostly) convinced that the key to success in an all-male environment is being sure enough of yourself to stand up to them when you need to, be their friend when you can, and soak up both positive and negative aspects of the situation to make yourself a better professional in the future!
