Writing on Anxiety
I was going to write some tips on how to show an accurate depiction of clinical anxiety in their characters, but I decided to write on my personal experience that occurred over the summer.
I have always been a touch on the anxious side--if I’m honest with myself. I don’t like to think of myself as such because it’s not a chronic state, it just has spikes when the right stressors come around. As a kid, I had major social anxiety. I’m not sure exactly why, and I’m glad to say that it has gotten a lot better. But nothing prepared me for this summer.
Anxiety and panic attacks aren’t what most people think, in fact, I did not know that I was having panic attacks. And yes, that is an <S> They were so infrequent and so abnormal that I did not know what was happening. Besides getting anxious, I would get nauseated and sometimes vomit. I thought it was low blood sugar. When the frequency of attacks increased over the summer, I went to my PCP and had labs drawn to test for diabetes. But then the attacks kept happening regardless of food or blood sugar levels. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling nauseated and like a hand was squeezing my throat. I had to get up and move immediately. And it wouldn’t stop.
Most panic attacks last around 30 minutes and then go away. Unpleasant, but surviveable. These would not go away. I’m talking ALL day and then ALL night long. I could not sleep. I could not eat. I could not sit still. I didn’t feel like I could move or go anywhere, so I would sit in my chair with my knuckles turning white on the armrests as my body moved from side to side until my hair became matted from rubbing it repeatedly. And every minute felt like an hour. This went on for almost a month.
I tried everything I knew to do: mediation, essential oils, warm baths, breathing exercises. I went to a psychiatrist and was started on anti-depressants (which wouldn’t kick in for 2 weeks) and given a non-addictive anxiety medication. It didn’t work. My husband (bless him) would lay in bed holding my hand as I rocked back and forth and count down from twenty-five for hours into the night.
My psychiatrist also gave me the diagnosis of depression-- well I’d like to see someone else live like that and not be depressed.
Also, did I mention I’m a stay-at-home mom? I am the primary caretaker of my one year old son. You can’t take care of a child like that. I am so thankful for my family, because this is what we did:
My mom had me come stay with her for a long weekend while my husband and his mom looked after the baby. My mom is a natural remedy guru, so she packed me full of supplements, chamomile with CBD, and nutritious foods. And we walked. And walked. And walked. Because out of everything else that we did, the walking was the only thing that worked. That makes sense in hindsight, because a panic attack is basically your body shooting off adrenaline at inappropriate times. Walking burns off the adrenaline.
So what on earth was going on? In one word: Progesterone.
I mentioned earlier that my son was a one-year-old. The frequency of these panic attacks went up exponentially when I stopped breast feeding. I think after the huge hormone shift, when my body returned to it’s normal progesterone levels, it triggered the panic attacks. I can thank my mom for figuring out that problem. After getting worked up for diabetes with my PCP, they had no opening for a month and a half although my symptoms were intolerable. But my OBGYN would see me. So, I had some blood drawn. At the beginning of the cycle, there is a normal low in the progesterone count, but there is a spike during ovulation mid-way through. I had no spike, and my baseline was very low. So, she started me on progesterone replacement, and the panic attacks have almost gone away. They still haunt me on occasion, but not nearly as often.
The most infuriating part of this process, however, was that I had sought treatment for my low progesterone multiple times before this point. I had a plethora of other symptoms related to it: irregular periods, difficulty conceiving, headaches, but most doctors won’t treat you for low progesterone unless it gets in the way of your life. Well, a month of panic attacks sure does get in the way.
I went back to my psychiatrist after being on the progesterone as practically a new woman. And what did he say? Apparently, I was the second recent client of his who had the exact same problem and would not respond to anti-anxiety medications either. She too had low progesterone.
Which causes me to wonder. . . how many women out there are suffering just like me with panic attacks and thinking they are losing their minds because their hormones are out of whack? I’d say more than we know, because the doctors I went to see worked me up for blood sugar, thyroid, depression, but only my mom thought to go to the OBGYN.
I’m interested to see if anyone else out there has a story like mine. Please respond in the comments if you do.
