Milda's Random Thoughts

I write random things I could think about, so that you can read my thoughts.

[mildamania]

"O Allah! I ask You for Your love and the love of those who love You, and for the love of every action which will bring me closer to Your love." --At-Tirmidhi

[mildamania]

--the lady or the tiger: the hardest choice ever Beberapa hari lalu saya kurang enak badan dan jadi pusing kalau baca lama-lama sambil tiduran. Padahal membaca buku--printed maupun digital--sudah jadi salah satu rutinitas pengantar tidur yang biasa saya lakukan. Saya jadi dilema. Nggak bisa tidur karena masih pengen baca, tapi juga nggak bisa baca karena pusing. . Akhirnya saya download file audio short story collection. Ketika dengerin playlist-nya, saya jadi ngerasa kayak lagi dibacakan dongeng sebelum tidur. And more than that, it feels like I can read with my eyes closed! Hehe. Sensasinya emang nggak sama sih dengan baca sendiri, tapi lumayan lah... 😄 . Nah, salah satu short story yang sempat saya dengar sebelum mata terpejam adalah kisah karangan Frank R. Stockton berjudul "The Lady or The Tiger". Kisah yang menurut saya tidak tepat untuk didengarkan sebelum tidur! Karena begitu selesai, saya malah jadi susah tidur mikirin jalan ceritanya. Intinya menarik sih. Menarik banget, malah. Tapi endingnya itu... argh! Tanpa kepastian. Setelah peperangan batin yang cukup intense, kisahnya berhenti tanpa diketahui akan berakhir dengan "bloody killing" atau "happy ending". . Sang penulis memang sengaja membiarkan pembaca (atau pendengar seperti saya) menyimpulkan sendiri akhir dari kisah ini. Hmm... . @30haribercerita #30haribercerita #30hbc18 #30hbc1810 #mildawrites #shortstory

[mildamania]

–friend: a definition

What makes someone qualified as your friend? . “We’re friends because we grow up together. We live in the same neighborhood and attend the same schools. We’re inseparable, and wherever she goes, I can make sure I’ll go, too.” . “The universe wants us to meet, I just know that. I got the feeling at the first time I met my friend that we’re gonna help each other when life gets bad.” . “Someone who always stays with me through ups and downs. He supports me no matter what, and has a faith in me that I can be anything I want to be.” . “We like doing anything together: traveling, going to cinema, shopping, even basic things like eating and hanging around. We often laugh at the same joke… or at the same people we thought as a joke.” . “You know the saying that friendship grows as the time goes? That’s what happened to me and my friends. We started as an acquaintance, but because we meet frequently and often share our moment together… we finally become friend, even before I realize it.” . “The ones who are worth to spend my time with. Whenever I’m surrounded by my friends, I always experience the best time ever. And when I can’t see them for a long time, I know I’ll miss them terribly.” . “I don’t know. I let my heart choose who will be my friend.” … End of discussion. . . . —

[mildamania]

--what we talk about when we talk about fiction "I don't understand how people can be so attached to fictional stuff." "Some people have just have a really good imagination." "Good imagination or an excessive one? I mean, they know it's not real--well, that's why it's called fictional. Those stuff are made by some human like us, nothing more." "When the real world is so tiring, some people tend to seek for another world created by others. They use it as an escape from their reality. We do that sometimes." "Definitely not me. My reality keeps me busy enough until I don't have time to find 'another world' you're talking about." "Clearly, we live in different world." "I just don't feel like it's the right thing to do. Why should I divide my mind to think about several other worlds when all I have to do is focusing on the only world I have? The real one." "And just like that, I can assure you, we have different kind of soul." "I'm just saying... it's kind of ridiculous when people put too much of their thoughts for things that are not even real. Ironic, no?" "Why do you care about it anyway? Why do you bring this up?" "No reason. Just wondering." "A little advice, my friend, if you have no intention to care, just leave it for good. It only makes me conclude that we have different way to look at 'fictional stuff' in particular." "That again?! Come on! Are we really that different?" "It's a lot more than you think." . . --- *title inspired by Raymond Carver's short story. only one word that makes it different. @30haribercerita #30haribercerita #30hbc18 #30hbc1807 #mildawrites #fiction

[mildamania]

--a day in dreamy sky: stargazing i always love nighttime. i love how dark the sky is. i love it more when it's sprinkled by the dots of shiny stars. i love night because at that time, i'm finally closer to see you. . but here we are, being together under the sparkling, starry sky... even before i get the chance to rest myself in a comfortable sleeping state. . i know the time wouldn't stop itself, but can i wish it to stop now, so we can enjoy each other's company for a little longer? . "that would be selfish," you giggle. "time has its own path to move, so do we. it's not fair for the time when we control it just because we want to treasure the moment more than our ability." . "so, with the time getting closer to the end, what do you suggest we do, then?" . "anything that can make you feel better." . i would say that i already feel better. but now that you bring it up, i remember to do something that i really want to do since the first time you appeared from the clouds. . "i want to pretend you're real." . it's like you've been prepared to hear this from me. as the words come out, you just smile and answer, "i'm as real as the stars." . "that's not entirely a good comparison." . "what do you mean?" . "sure the stars are real, but they're so far as well. i don't think i can ever reach them, the same way i think about you." . there's silence that makes both of us uncomfortable, the silence that makes us realize about the real struggle we have to go through. . "i'm sorry to say that," now i feel slightly anxious, "let's not think about that for now." . "no," you reply, "let's make everything clear for now." . with that being said, you offer your hand to hold, and that marks the first time i can feel the palm of your hand. . you're right. it feels real. for a moment. . the last thing i hear is a goodbye you whisper at the end of this night, leaving me alone with hundreds of stars i can't reach. . i wish i could see you again in my dream tonight. and if i do, it'll be okay for me if i wouldn't have a chance to open my eyes in the next morning. (3/3) --- Picture credit: Sky Full of Stars, Helix Magazine @30haribercerita #30haribercerita #30hbc18 #30hbc1806

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--a day in dreamy sky: daydreaming what's better than having your dreams come true? i have a good answer for that: it's having them lying next to you. . because that's what happens right now. here we are, resting our head on the same pillow of grass while looking at the same point of sky. it feels unreal, but it's happening. . we're lying next to each other, and it's the best feeling in the world. . though no words come out, we both know that our hearts communicate. . "this nice feeling... it almost feels like a dream," whispered my heart. . "i know. let's enjoy it while it lasts," replied yours. . and the conversation continues. we keeps talking quietly. you said you're happy to visit. i said i'm glad you come. you said you miss me when i'm gone. i said i'm feeling the same. you're hoping to be with me forever. i'm expressing my regret that no matter how much i want it, i can't. . then we stop. we allow each other to enjoy our thought. . until you asked me out of the blue, "why do we have to do things that we don't want to?" . how am i supposed to answer that? . "it's probably just a matter of obligatory," i answered at last. "we don't have control of our life." . "but what if you do? we do have control. we can choose what's best for us. you can do it, too. it's a matter of choice." . "it's easier said than done. what if there's no choice? . "well, that's just... sad." . "exactly." . "i'm sorry." . "let's talk about something else," i said. . "as you wish," you replied. . what to talk? what to talk? what to talk? our mind entangles to find the answer. . then we speak in unison: "let's talk about dream!" . oh, dear, we can spend a whole day talking about that. (2/3) . . . --- @30haribercerita #30haribercerita #30hbc18 #30hbc1805 #mildawrites #flashfiction

[mildamania]

--a day in dreamy sky: morning greeting one thing you should do in the morning is stop dreaming. and it has to be done even before your eyes are opened. it's not an easy thing to do, especially when your dream at night is better than the reality you have to face in the morning. however, this morning is different. when my eyes look through the window to see the clouds with the early ray of sunlight, a shadowy figure appears. i'm fully awake, i'm sure of it. yet, looking at the figure reminds me of my dream last night. as the figure drifts closer, it doesn't look like a shadow anymore. it happens to be someone so familiar. then, it hit me. i find you. the one who always appears in my dream for no reason at all. suddenly, i can feel it that today will be brighter than any other day. it's a good feeling i can't resist. (1/3) . . . --- @30haribercerita #30haribercerita #30hbc18 #30hbc1804 #mildawrites #flashfiction

[mildamania]

--stopping the time or turning it back? . it's just the usual "would you rather" game. you choose one option and abandon the other, then you'll get the consequences for every choice you've made. simple as that. . this time, the question is intended for those who has a slight fear about what will happen tomorrow. so, forget about the ideal answer like, "i'd choose neither. i'd rather live in the present and aim for the future." . sure, that's what everyone would say. but who knows what they secretly think? . some of them probably want to stay at the moment that makes them feel really happy; so happy, until they don't want it to end. . meanwhile, some others have a desire to go back in time; getting back to the point when they can fix what already happened. . now, we'd give you a chance. . for those who already live a comfort life right now, at the very exact moment, you'd have a chance to stop the time and enjoy it forever. no need to worry about the bad things that may steal the good ones. . and for those who feel regretful over the bad choices you made or because you didn't do something right, you'd have a second chance to turn back the time and do the right thing or choose the right choice. . either way, you can always win. so, what would you choose? --- Picture credit: Time Turner, pickywallpapers @30haribercerita #30haribercerita #30hbc18 #30hbc1802 #mildawrites #instablog

[mildamania]

--wish (un)granted . "Can I grant you a wish?" asked the genie once he was freed from the lamp. . Who would deny a chance to get your wish granted? So I said my wish, "I want to have the whole courage to say "no" for things I don't want to do." . "Wish grant... wait?! What kind of wish is that?" . "It's just something I really need right now. I want to be able to say "no" without worrying about what other people think of my refusal." . With a gentle swoosh, the genie moved closer. I don't know if he granted my wish or not, but he asked another question in one single word: "Why?" . "I agreed to many things that I don't really want to. And everything ends up with me regretting my own decision. If only I could easily say no in the first place, I'd definitely put myself out of misery." . "That's what you thought?" . "Pretty much." . "Well," the genie sighed after a long pause, "Have you ever thought about me?" . Of course I shook my head, "No. We've just met, right?" . "Yes, that's true. So, let me tell you how much I want the same ability you're talking about." . "Huh?" . "I can't give you the ability to say "no" when I myself don't have that kind of ability." . "But you're a genie! You grant anyone's wishes." . "Yeah, because I'm destined to do that. But do you know how many times I want to say "no" for granting other people's wishes? A lot of times. Sadly, I can't do it. And I fully regret it." . "You still owe me one wish to grant, you know." . "I'm sorry. After what you said... I think I should try to stand up for myself by saying the magic word. No." . Shoot. Apparently, I'm out of luck. . . . --- Picture credit: Pinterest @30haribercerita #30haribercerita #30hbc18 #30hbc1801 #mildawrites #instablog

[mildamania]

"Sooner or later, everything will come to an end, right?" "That's what I heard." "So how do you do it?" "How do I do what?" "Dealing with "the end" and whatever follows: goodbye, farewell, sayonara, you name it." "You're asking me like I'm an expert on that." "You can handle it better than me, I guess." "Technically true, although that doesn't mean I'm not affected by the worst of it. I need some time, of course, to get a grip and help myself get through with it. It's not entirely done with ease, but there's always this one secret key that works every time." "What is it?" "I don't think it's gonna help you the same way it does to me. No offense, but with all the grudges you hold, your over-thinking brain, or your anxious self, I think you'll need more time and effort to use this particular thing before it can..." "Just tell me!" "Well, okay, if you insist. The thing is, I always let things go." "..." "See? I know it's not gonna work on you." "Please. I can learn to let things go. And I should tell you, I'm a fast learner." "Good to know. I can almost feel my doubt's dripping away." "You're lying." "Isn't that what we're doing now? Lying to each other?" "What?! No. I'm telling you the truth. I'm gonna follow your secret key when dealing with 'the unwanted ending': learning to let things go." "Right..." "What's with that tone of voice? Aren't you supposed to be supportive?" "I am. And if my patting on your back isn't supporting enough, I'm gonna tell you something precious that will help you feel better: remember that there's always "good" in goodbye." "..." "Make sense, huh? You don't have to feel bad about things that finally come to an end. Instead, you should try to find the good side of what has happened." "Precious, you say?" "I would also say it a treasure." . . . "I think that's kinda lame." "Don't ruin it!" "Sorry." ---

[mildamania]

"I wanna lie by saying that whatever you do won't affect me, even in the tiniest bit. But I can't, 'cause it does affect me. A lot. And there's nothing I can do about it." . . . Sometimes I wonder what might happen if our path didn't cross in the same line. Your story must have been well--as it is supposed to be. And dare I hope, I guess mine will move on a better line, too, because I will not get busy thinking about you. Unfortunately, we did cross. Worse than that: we crashed. It's partially my fault. No, sorry. It's completely my fault. I'm easily affected by something that interests me. When I find all interesting sides in you, it occurs to me that I should ask you to stay... even though I know, staying is not your best option. So now, with the right mind, I'll set you free. Any decision you've made, whether you want to continue following the path, stop to smell (or grow) the flowers, or end the story because you feel the time is running out... who am I to interfere? It will not affect me anymore. Sorry. Again. That's a lie. It already gave me the feeling that is hard to wipe off. You know the feeling when you always wants to hold on to that certain thing for longer time? The desperate state when you realize you can't hold it forever? What is it called? Like? Love? Obsession? I hope it's none than the above, 'cause I don't think I can handle any of them. --- Picture credit: Daan Roosegaarde

[mildamania]

(awkward!) . 'professional eye-contact avoider. i should add that to my résumé next time. he's trying to look me in the eye, i know for sure. but as a professional, let's pretend i don't know that. instead, let's search for more interesting things around. the empty space on the left and right side of his head may count. and the invisible fly, moving, moving. or the couple chatting endlessly across our table. oh, we're lucky to have the table near the window! look outside the glass. maybe i can find something waaay interesting. anything other than his eyes.' . . 'why isn't she looking at me? am i not interesting enough for her? i'm pretty sure i check myself in front of the mirror before meeting her. double check, even. doesn't she realize that i gel my hair for this? what a waste. did i do something wrong? something that makes her uncomfortable? something that makes her wanna leave? damn! i know i'm not a good code breaker. i'm just able to understand if she talks to me. so please talk, girl! or at least, look at me! we're on a date, for crying out loud!' . . "So?" "So?" . . 'why did we say that word at the same time?' 'no! awkward silence phase two is about to come!' . . brrt! pfft! . . 'what's that sound?' 'oh, god!' . . "did you hear that?" "hear what?" . . 'i'm sure that sound is real. how can he be so calm about this?' 'finally! she talks to me!' . . "someone farted." "not me." . . 'no one's closer than him if i can hear the sound.' 'oh, i'm the man here. i'm the one who should have the courage.' . . "..." "did you?" . . a hand meets a cheek. she leaves. he buries in regret. a couple minutes later, he sends a text: "sorry for asking. i swear it wasn't me. come back?" . she deletes it instantly. . . --- *quick writing on my way home, inspired by an awkward moment. *picture credit: a scene from "crazy, stupid, love"

[mildamania]

(when a bench for two is settled by one, 2/2) . "My happiness doesn't depend on someone else, so whether you're here or not, the happiness still remains." . The words come out loud and clear, and I know exactly what they mean. Though I'm not a clairvoyant, I can sense that they are not the words you really want to say. I've known you long enough to understand that deep down, you're angry, sad, disappointed, or perhaps, no longer believe in everything I said. You're a strong one, I'm sure of it. You're good at hiding your feelings, while all I can do is hiding my presence. Call me a coward for not being brave enough to tell you directly in the eye that I wave a secret goodbye in my last sentence; for leaving you alone with the words that give you hope (when in fact, they don't). I just want you to realize that there is nothing good when you stay personally and emotionally attached to someone who isn't really yours... and of course, can't be stay with you forever. So, sooner or later, we have to learn how to live our life beautifully, even without each other's company. Because in the end, "together" is not the right word to describe us. That's right, sweetheart. We go into death alone, aren't we? --- #moviescene #filmsetting #TheHelp #ficlet #flashfiction #drabble #prose #picstory #mildawrites #microfiction

[mildamania]

(when a bench for two is settled by one, 1/2) "You're never really alone, even when you feel you are." That's what you always say whenever you're ready to go, to ensure me that you'll always follow me around when you cannot stay by my side. As if I would believe every single word that comes from your mouth. I know you said it as a hope. My apology, dear. I only heard it as a joke. Hidden promise lies in that phrase. It's like another nice way of saying goodbye when you don't want to make me sad about it. And that's what I hate most. If you must go, just go. Don't even bother to leave any promise, 'cause promise is just a lie you want to keep. At least, that's what I get. Now, after your voice's been stuck in my head for a long time (which is a bad thing since you're out of my reach), I'm starting to seek if what you ever said to me has a truth in it. Luckily, I find what it truly means; that there's a lot of things worth more than your presence. Without your face's blocking my view, I can see a colony of clouds give me their best smile--some of them even greet me with a wink. While your voice fades away, I can assure that the sound created when the wind breezes is more beautiful than your speech. And everything seems crystal clear. Fresher air, calmer sea, cleaner sky, greener grass. The time is just right without doubt. It's the time when I realize that your words are actually true. I'm never really alone, even when I feel I am. So if you never come, I'm still fine. --- Picture taken from a scene in "Now is Good" ...such a beautiful setting. --- #moviescene #filmsetting #NowisGood #ficlet #flashfiction #drabble #prose #picstory #mildawrites #amwriting

[mildamania]

"Dance like nobody's watching," they said. But for me, the correct sentence is: "Dance WHEN nobody's watching." . It's pretty obvious. Folks who are there but we choose to ignore them are different from those who really watch and witness--no matter how quiet they are. So I choose to dance when nobody's watching, cause nothing is more liberated than doing whatever we want to do without people watching it. After all, I'm not tough enough to handle people's negativity. Their degrading comment, their insincere applause, their talks behind my back. It's just so... bothersome. But if I'm obliged to have an audience--as a real companion, not a fake clapper, I'll choose the fluffy one. Oh, Teddy. He should consider himself lucky for being invited to watch my exclusive dancing show. Then again, he deserves it. He's the best kind of audience that anyone could ask for. All he's gonna do are sit, stay, and still. No interrupting, offending, or fake applauding. Plus, when the show comes to an end and I need someone to hug as a small celebration, he's definitely worth choosing. He'll hug me in reply with a fluffy cuddle, not a painful stab on the back. --- Girl Dancing In Front Of Her Teddy Bear (Paris, 1961). --- #NulisRandom #NulisRandom2017 #ficlet #flashfiction #soliloquy #randomthought #historicalphotograph #historicalchildren #picstory #mildawrites #picturefiction

[mildamania]

My recent reading includes this debut novel of Nicola Yoon that I simply enjoyed it. Unusual premise and unique perspective of the main character are some reasons why I love this young-adult book. A little twist that happened in the middle only made me love "Everything, Everything" even more--although when I realized something goes wrong, I already know where the story's going. Let's just say that the ending isn't going too far from my prediction. It's still fascinating, though. And silly me, I just find out that the film adaptation of this book has been made and launched for about a week or two now. Remember the brave little Rue from The Hunger Games movie? Yeah, Amandla Stenberg is now brave enough to take the role of Maddie/Madeline Whittier, while the role of Olly/Oliver Bright is played by Nick Robinson. I did some research about the film and I'm a little disappointed, mostly because its rating on IMDb stands below 7. Still, I won't refuse to watch it someday... just to make sure that the images created in my head while reading this book is somehow similar from what they show in the screen. Last word (or sentence). About the quote I presented above, I'm not the only one who's living, right? --- #EverythingEverything #NicolaYoon #mildareads #bookquote #bookexcerpt #bookstagram #bookreview #instablog #qotd #quotefrombook #instumblr

[mildamania]

(Suarakan Suara Hati) . Ketika mulut tak mau berbicara, hati tak akan pernah berhenti bersuara. . Kadang kita menyimpan semuanya dalam hati. Apa-apa yang menggelisahkan, apa-apa yang membuat kita merasa gusar. . "Cukup aku yang tahu." Begitu cara kita meredakan ragu, lalu kita memilih diam atau bersikap seolah semua hal itu tidak mengganggu. . Padahal, seperti halnya kita yang tak pernah tahu kebaikan mana yang akan membawa ke surga, kita juga tak akan pernah tahu pikiran dan perasaan mana yang bisa memperbaiki suasana... jika kita tetap memilih untuk menyimpannya. . Jadi kenapa suara-suara itu tidak kita ceritakan? Jika tak mau berucap secara lisan karena takut tak didengar, maka ungkapkanlah dalam tulisan. Bukan dengan harapan ingin dibaca banyak orang, tapi dengan keinginan untuk membuat perasaan menjadi lebih tenang. . Saya jadi ingat sebaris lirik Bahasa Indonesia dari opening theme salah satu anime favorit saya di masa kecil, Ghost at School. . Katanya, "Ceritakanlah... kisah yang belum diketahui. Untuk bisa memahaminya, 'kan kubuka hatiku..." (saya nulis bagian ini sambil nyanyi, lho. 😅) . Maka, tak perlu lagi kita menunggu nanti untuk menyuarakan suara hati. --- #10hbcgelisah #10hbcgelisah10 #mildawrites