Guys I need help to find me this fan fiction about zhongli × reader × Xiao
The part I remember goes like this:
The reader was in love with zhongli but zhongli still have feelings for guizhong, but then she lied to him going to help Baizhu with something and disappeared and make herself forgotten and guizhong come back (the reader make a deal with some to bring guizhong back) but she to remove herself from the world and she did it and everyone forgots about her and no one remembers her, and then something happened and when a painting come with the face of the reader, zhongli noticed something was wrong and he found out what happened, and he brought her back with help of Xiao etc
Please it was my favorite and I can't remember it, it was series too!
would anyone be interested in this fic? here’s a short synopsis:
in an age that liyue is free from the protection of rex lapis, the adepti soon followed leaving liyue to be ruled by the people. because of this lady ningguang has begun to erase the rich history of liyue's previous protectors in order to instill confidence within the country, causing holes to develop throughout liyue's complex past. y/n- a student at the academy- discovers this and asks around only to return more confused than she left. what are people hiding, and why? y/n takes it upon her self to go looking for answers herself by traveling to the outskirts of liyue harbor and calling out a name.
tw/cw - angst, blood, mentions of character death, nightmares.
perhaps it was the constant shift of your body, almost restless, that spurred xiao on to do it.
as an adeptus, xiao didn’t require sleep. in fact, most of his nights were spent up upon the balcony while staring intently at the stars. not only because his duties for the day were over, but also because when the moon arose everyone residing in the wangshu inn retreated to their rooms to sleep, allowing him to finally enjoy some peace of mind without worrying about someone lurking around to interrupt him.
but ever since meeting you, and allowing you into his cursed filled life (despite many protests from him) xiao now spent his nights in your room, seated on the bed beside you. it was quiet, with your window open to allow cool air into the room, and your eyes were closed, body and mind encased by exhaustion and finally sleep.
xiao had been the one to tuck you in, cheeks warm from embarrassment after you had pleaded with him to do so. he would’ve refused if it weren’t for the cute purse of your lips, gentle hands tugging onto his clothes. it was truly embarrassing for someone like him to grow so soft because of some measly human. alas, xiao loved you too much, and so with as much care as he could he pulled the covers over your frail mortal body, a hesitant touch to your hair that spurred him on to continue when you had sighed lightly in content. and finally, when he deemed you fast asleep, the adeptus retreated his palm, muttering softly under his breath.
‘may sweet dreams find you.’
he didn’t sleep, but xiao did close his eyes as he listened to your steady breathing. it was comforting in a way, to know that you were here, alive and well and just within reach. and if he weren’t so afraid he would’ve embraced you, holding you until the sun arose in the east. but xiao was afraid. he feared the things he was capable of. you, such a kind soul, didn’t deserve to live their life with such a cruel monster.
and yet frustratingly so you did. you ignored his requests to leave him alone since the moment the two of you met somewhere near mt. aocang. at first he’d blame it on you. it was your fault for always greeting him with such a kind smile, always bringing him flowers and his favorite food. you were the reason why he had began to feel such a foreign warmth swell inside his chest, burning to the point where it hurt when you weren’t around.
but it was also xiao who stayed, and had been the one to grant you a flower as a token of his feelings.
the adeptus broke out of his thoughts when he felt you stir from beside him, slowly opening his eyes and glancing down to your figure hidden beneath the covers. he would’ve deemed it as you simply moving in your sleep if it weren’t for the soft mumbles escaping your lips, brows scrunched together as you shifted once more.
quickly he could feel that same fear settle inside his heart, along with a need to crumple whatever was making you restless. it was his duty after all, to protect you from the demons inhabiting teyvat as a citizen of liyue. but it was his duty as your lover to protect you from the nightmare you were currently facing.
he sighed, brushing the fallen locks of dark away from his face as he set his lips into a straight line. it had been a while since he had tampered with the mortal mind, he preferred not to since it would leave you not only exhausted but with nothing else to dream of for the rest of the night. however, xiao would much rather eat the contents plaguing your mind then leave you to suffer through it for the rest of the night.
he shifted in his spot, allowing his mask to cover his face. and with a soft and light caress to your cheek, xiao devoured it all.
“i wonder if the flowers will bloom like this again next year.”
you turned your head to the side to look at the adeptus, watching and waiting for his reply to your question. much to your surprise xiao was already staring right back, causing your cheeks to redden. his gaze rested on you for a moment longer before shifting, instead gazing at the petals you had previously been admiring.
“would it make you happy if they did?” he asked, earning a small hum in response from your lips. xiao nodded, before plucking the plant from the soils of the ground. you stared at him, confused as he gazed at it for several seconds before turning towards you, tucking the stem to rest behind your ear.
you laughed lightly at the red covering his cheeks, a small huff leaving his lips as he averted his eyes in embarrassment. he scowled towards the ground, but your smile only widened, reaching your hands up to cup his face.
“thank you for the gift.”
his gaze softened ever so slightly, hesitating before placing his palm over your own, “it’s nothing. i just thought..it’s a waste to let them die here when they have much better purposes in life. that’s all.”
at his words you almost felt like crying, never before having felt such a warmth seep so deep into your skin. the things xiao made you feel..it was hard to comprehend at times. but with moments like these, you were grateful that it was him by your side.
but the tender moment quickly vanished, and instead of xiao’s reddened cheeks signifying his embarrassment they turned pale, all color lost as your hands felt how cold his skin was. no, this wasn’t right. xiao held such a warmth that you’d feel within every touch, even during the harsh winters as the snow fell from the sky. he was the one you’d beg to cuddle with, until finally latching onto his body after he reluctantly agreed.
so why was he so cold right now?
“xiao..?” your voice came out shakier than you intended, hands tightening ever so slightly against his skin. and that’s when you noticed it, the crimson that painted your hands, and trickled down his lips.
a strangled cry forced its way out of your throat as the blood seeped out quicker than before, blemishing both of your clothes. it was sticky and warm, but not the heat that you were searching for. this one burned, blistering your hands as salty tears cascaded down your face, until even the figure of xiao laying limp in your arms began to fade from your vision.
xiao had made a terrible mistake.
he had taken great care in devouring your dream, making sure that the process wouldn’t leave you too drained afterwards. he had allowed the texture similar to almond tofu to fill his mouth, until nothing was left. and once he had finished, he waited for your shifting to cease, until you were nothing but peaceful resting in your bed.
but your restlessness only seemed to grow, confusing the adeptus greatly. normally the bodies of his victims would grow still, having nothing to dream about after being taken by him. the only exception was when he devoured good dreams, which turned into nightmares as to torture the recipient.
when the thought crossed his mind xiao felt his muscles tense, and his prediction was proven correct when your soft mumbles turned into pained whimpering and your face twisted to that of discomfort. and even worse, through the dark he could see the tears streaming down your face.
xiao was quick to shake you awake, fingers gripping your arms as he spoke in rushed words. for once he wasn’t embarrassed about initiating physical contact, his only priority was fixing the problem he had caused.
what had he done?
finally your eyes snapped open, breaths coming in quick as you glanced widely around the room. your brain seemed to still be processing the nightmare, and at the reminder xiao hesitated, before quickly retracting his fingers from your arms, even scooting further away until he was sitting on the edge of the bed.
your breathing slowed, until you realized that what you experienced hadn’t been reality. your mind simply conjured up something cruel for you to withstand, perhaps a punishment or a warning. but xiao was here, he was still in your room.
and most importantly, he was still alive.
more tears rushed down your cheeks, relief washing over your body at the thought. your hands gripped the sheets, before loosening and instead wiping the tears from your skin.
xiao however internally panicked, fearing that the tears were because of him. he desperately wanted nothing more than to wipe them away himself, to hold you and whisper that it was okay and that he was sorry.
but xiao felt as if he didn’t deserve to console you, not after putting such a horrid scene into your mind. and with the way your body shook to withstand your crying, he was afraid that just a single touch would break you, would cause you to flinch and shy away from his touch.
xiao was used to people being scared of him. he wouldn’t consider himself a kind person after all, not to mention he was always wearing a scowl on his face despite not meaning to. but if you were to look at him in that way, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle it.
the adeptus quickly stood up from your bed, causing you to quiet down your sobs and gaze at him curiously. at the sight of your expression he felt even more guilt grasp around his heart, and he quickly looked away from the sight.
xiao knew from the beginning that a love such as yours he was unworthy of, and love from him would only bring about bad things to your life. his life was cursed from the very beginning, and he knew, that his hands in which you held so gingerly would never erase the misfortune they’ve caused. his karma debt would always remind him of that fact, and the pain he had caused you that night also brought him back to reality.
he didn’t deserve such a thing for all he has done.
xiao swallowed thickly, hating the words that left his throat, “i must leave.”
your eyes widened, fearing the thoughts plaguing your mind. but most of all, you feared of losing him for good. that the dream you had went through really would become a reality. xiao didn’t understand how much he meant to you, despite how you showed it on a daily. his presence was the sole reason you were still alive and were able to live such a happy life.
but xiao was already gone before you could protest for him to stay, leaving nothing more than a subtle breeze that brushed against your skin. you stared blankly for a moment, not even realizing that more tears had rushed down your face until you felt them splatter against the hands that had tightened once more. and finally, you broke, cracked wails between chapped lips.
the black haired male you longed for wasn’t far, his own hands gripping the railing of the balcony at the top of the inn. he hadn’t wanted to, but his heart betrayed him, and he too cried that night. the first time since he had realized his feelings for you. it was silent, empty tears streaming down his face, but it didn’t dull the pain in his chest, and the burn along with it.
it took several days until you were able to find xiao.
his favorite spot was of course the balcony, an area of solace for the dark haired male. but each time you went the adeptus was no where to be seen, not even after a small and timid call of his name from your lips. it reminded you of the early stages of your relationship with the yaksha, far before a friendship had bloomed. only on rare occasions did he appear, and even then only with the bribery of his favorite meal. before it hadn’t bothered you, xiao had every right to be cautious you, a stranger. but now, as his lover, it deepened the pain in your heart, because you knew he was purposely avoiding you.
after he had disappeared you went through every scenario your brain could conjure up for a reason why. why he had disappeared so suddenly. why his face had held so much guilt, and why he had stayed away from you as if he were some disease that would make you ill. but despite your thinking, nothing could explain it, and it only left you wondering even more what you had done wrong.
you sighed for the umpteenth time that week, eyes tired as you entered the inn after a long day of commissions. a lazy wave was your greeting to ver goldett, legs sore and fingers gripping the rail as you climbed up the stairs. long ago the sun had set, leaving the residence quiet for everyone was fast asleep.
well, mostly everyone.
much to your surprise xiao didn’t disappear the moment you stepped out from under the roof, heart beating as he too seemed to have the idea to indulge in the silence of the night. cautiously you moved your body, and either he didn’t hear your quiet footsteps or he simply didn’t care, but either way you took the opportunity to continue on, until you were right behind the male you had grown so fond of.
you couldn’t tell what he was so fixated on, but knowing him he was most likely admiring the several stars painting the sky. you knew it calmed him, and in a way you felt bad ruining such a moment of peace for him. but this was probably the only opportunity you’d get to properly talk to him, and so you cleared the lump in your throat and let your voice be carried by the wind.
“xiao.” you spoke quietly, as well as cautiously as if stepping over broken glass.
his body shifted, and you noticed the way his hands tightened over the railing. he really must not have noticed you here, and before he could disappear once more you gripped the fabric covering his arm, tight enough to not let go.
he glared at you, eyes as sharp as knives, “remove your hands-“
“please xiao. not until you explain to me what happened,” you moved your body so you stood right in front of him, searching his eyes for even a hint of gentleness as you continued, “why did you leave so suddenly?”
the yaksha didnt answer, instead burning desperate holes into the wooden floorboards of the inn. you furrowed your brows, patience running thin the longer his silence stretched on.
you let out a small huff, releasing him from your grip, “if you can’t explain then you have no reason to have left.”
he whipped his head up, amber hues sharpening even more, “you don’t know anything-“
“then tell me!” you wailed, hating how your heart began to betray you and release the salty tears down your cheeks. you just wanted to understand, to better know the man you fell in love with. and with the way his fists tightened and his gaze wavered, you knew he was suffering just as much as you.
he turned, slamming his hands down onto the railing just like his previous position. however, now you noticed the way his hands shook and knuckles turned white, strands of hair falling to curtain his face and expression. xiao let out a shaky breath, and you almost missed the way his voice faltered with his next words, “why aren’t you afraid of me.”
afraid?
your eyes widened at his words, realizing it was a genuine question. you shook your head, voice breaking as you moved so he could see your face clearly, “why would i ever be afraid?”
“you know what i was before i was xiao right?!the things i did to all those people..” he stared at his hands, bright irises darkening as his lips turned down into a deep frown as if ashamed, “i did the same thing to you.”
ah, so that’s what this was all about.
you were well aware of xiao’s past. of his alliance with osial and how he was broken free and renamed after meeting rex lapis. he never went into depth about his time then, and you would never force him to replay those memories just to satisfy curiosity. you did however, understand the general idea and what he was forced to do, and it seemed like you had unknowingly become a victim of those crimes.
and yet, you held no ounce of anger for the yaksha. no hint of regret for asking him to accompany you to your bed that night or any night before that. if anything, your heart was only full of love, and hurt for the way he was sure to be feeling in that moment.
quickly you reached forward, shaking your head once more to show your disagreement, “it’s okay. i forgive you.” your hands reached forward and cupped his cheeks, giving him a small smile in hopes to show your honesty, “i know you didn’t mean it.”
xiao shook his head, eyes flitting down to once more stare at his hands, “no..you cant. i’ll do it again. these hands have destroyed and conquered too much i- i don’t want it to break you too-“.
“these hands have also held mine and lifted me up.” your fingers, gentle as to not scare him glided down to his gloved ones, thumbing over the lines of stitching and the texture of leather. hands that would gently pat your head as a sign of approval. the same ones that pulled the covers over your body when it was far too cold in the night. fingers that brushed across your skin when offering a flower, tucking it behind your ear.
they may be stained with blood, but even blood can be washed away.
“you’re not a monster,” you bring your hands back to his face, gently guiding his head to look at you. and when your own hues met gold, you smiled softly, “you’re xiao, and that’s all that matters.”
Adepti are not meant to have easy lives. If anyone were to know that, it would be Xiao. For he, was a Yaksha. In fact, he was the last one.
He acknowledged it everyday. So much so, it even snuck its way into his dream. A nice, sweet dream. That's something he would like to have.
A sweet dream...
A sweet dream was not waking up in a cold sweet, struggling to remain calm after a sequence of continuous nightmares. Nightmares that would shove all his wrong-doings and regrets straight in his face.
Maybe it was a good thing. Maybe it was a good thing that it reminded him and never let him forget. But nor in his wake, or in his sweet dreams, would he ever forget.
Although, moments like these are why he hardly ever slept at all. He would've hardly considered himself unconscious, in fact. Merely resting his eyes if anything.
Though, in the mere hours of the morning, he knew of a person who also strayed about at the Inn. Though, with someone like you, he wasn't sure it was a good thing.
"You're still awake?" You merely asked, back turned against him as he jumped down from the Inns roof. What a weird guy. He was so on guard, yet slept on a roof. Maybe if was a sign of trust toward the Inn and it's inhabitants...
"I could be asking you the same thing. Shouldn't a mortal like you rest?" He scoffed. Making you let out a small, 'nose huff laugh' or whatever its called. Did he seriously take the fact that you believed he should rest, offensively?
"You say mortal like it's a bad thing..." You hummed, looking bad at him. "I'm guessing you couldn't sleep because of another nightmare..."
The boy scoffed, his footsteps that approached you coming to a halt. "Don't act like you know me."
You smiled softly, leaning on the railing of the Wangshu Inn as you looked down at the scenery. "I just say it how it is..." After those words, you decided to shut your mouth. Otherwise, he would probably kill you. Heh.
"Are you feeling alright?"
He was silent for another moment before his soft foot-steps started up again. "You're annoying." He stated blandly before he stopped behind you, hesitant arms wrapping around your waist.
"Maybe that makes you more interesting."
"You're really sleep-deprived..." You mumbled, looking back at him. If you were to tease him about this, he would be way to mad.. So you would just keep it to yourself for now.
"But we can stay up, just a little bit longer..." You hummed, shutting your eyes as you leaned into his touch. Actions like these were rare from a guy like him. But, you supposed he was always the type to believe that actions spoke louder than words.
And maybe, small actions like these could give him just a tiny bit of hope for the future. Like a sweet dream...
For context, Xiao was accompanying you on your journey across the stretches of Liyue to a far-flung village to take care of a group of hilichurls that had migrated dangerously close to their borders for a commission. You glared at him, absolutely drenched. “Don’t you yakshas know anything about human diseases?”
Xiao sniffed. “Human diseases? I have no reason to educate myself on that matter, so I disregard it as useless information. I cannot be affected by the illness that plague your kind.” “Then let me educate you. In the rain, it’s ten times easier to get s-” You sneezed mid-sentence. “Ah, excuse me- but you see my point?” “I suppose it would be troublesome if you fell ill,” Xiao consented. He scanned the distance, narrowing his eyes. “By that waterfall, there is a cave. Shall I take you there?” “A cave? That’s perfect! How far is the waterf XIAO PUT ME DOWN I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!” You suddenly screamed, for Xiao had grabbed you by the waist and was, powered by his Anemo-ability, speeding for said waterfall.
You screeched to a halt once inside the cave. It provides some shelter, alright, but it’s a little shallow. Beats shivering through the downpour, though. Xiao frees you from his grasp,letting you stand on your own, albeit a little unsteadily. “Absolutely no warning, no consideration,” You grumbled, squeezing water out of your clothes. “I swear to Rex Lapis himself, I saw my life flashing before my eyes.” “Hmph. You need not fear death when you are with me, Traveller. You forget what I am.” You glanced at him. Even Xiao couldn’t outrun the rain, so he was dripping water from head to toe. In the darkness of the cave, the raindrops turned black, and his eyes seemed to glow.
Yakshas. Immortal adepti sworn to protect Liyue from monsters, only to suffer from the karma that comes from slaying them. A constant, painful conundrum. Plenty of Xiao’s comrades had fallen because of their karma, but Xiao persisted through sheer determination. What could possibly be so rewarding protecting an unaware populace? He must have seen the unsaid sadness in your eyes, because he scoffed. “So you pity me now?” Don’t pity us. We view it as an insult to our legacy. “Do you really think the only emotions people are capable are feeling consist of unreasonable happiness, and pity?” You snapped. The coldness from the rain and from Xiao was finally getting to you. “You were charged with a duty to protect humankind, so maybe you ought to get to know them. Not every single one of us is an idiot, okay?” Xiao bristled, clearly getting defensive. “You think of me as an idiot, then? For going uninformed in such trivial matters? Adepti do not-” “Then get your head out of your ass about it!” You threw your hands up. “Quit acting like you know anything. You’re constantly contradicting yourself, you know that? You-”
Shit. Your vision went hazy there. Not a good sign. “Fuck,” You proclaimed out of nowhere, staggering over to a cave wall and resting your head against its rocky, rough surface. “Hm?” From his tone, he clearly was still aggravated. You waved a weary hand at him. Your head is practically swimming. Through your murky thoughts, you connect the dots. “I think I have a fever.” “What?” Instantly, he’s at your side, alert. He turned you so you were facing him, and pressed one hand to your forehead, the other to his. He tilted his head, considering. “It is a fever,” he confirmed, lowering is hands. “A high one, at that.” Something flits across his face- guilt, perhaps?- before it is shuttered away to his usual indifference. You groaned, hitting the back of your head against the rock wall. “The last thing we needed. Damn. I’m really sorry about that.” “Do not apologize for something you could not prevent. Really, it is I who should be apologizing. Had I heeded your warning of rain earlier, perhaps…” “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier.” You covered your eyes with your arm, sighing. “I think I was just getting frustrated.
” “With what?” “What’s there not to get frustrated at?” You gave a bitter laugh. “The rain, the cold. You, being a stubborn shit. Knowing why you’re being a stubborn shit, and knowing I can’t exactly blame you, but still being upset about it.” There was a heavy paused. Then, in a lower voice, “And my sibling.” “... Ah, yes. Your lost twin, correct? I have seen a few missing person posters up around Liyue. Would that be them?” “Yes, that’s them.” Usually, the thought of your twin would have put a smile on your face. Now, all that it did was put you into an even darker mood. “Dickhead. I run all over Teyvat looking for them… only to find they’re working with the Abyss Order.” “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you.” “You couldn’t’ve protected me from it. Not from that kind of pain.” You shared a knowing look with him, and you sighed, sliding down the wall and hugging myself, shivering. “I would like to keep out of the rain, so best shelter until it stops. We can pick up some medication at the village once we arrive. I would make a fire, but I don’t know how. Do you know how to make a fire? If so, instruct me. Or, perhaps I can use my anemo power to dry you,” Xiao mused, bending down and stretching out his hands, observing his fingers. “But if the karma were to affect you, that would cause irrevocable damage. I would never be able to forgive myself.” “You’re so useless,” You mumbled, leaning against his shoulder and letting your eyes drift close. “Useless? How am I-” Xiao froze under the weight of your head, then shifted slowly, sitting down in a comfortable position, watching you from the corner of his eyes, his polearm hanging loosely in the crook of his other arm. “What a most deplorable situation,” he sighed, watching the thunderous sky. But despite his words, he didn’t seem too frustrated. He seemed content.
tw/cw - brief mentions of abuse, violence, drinking and claustrophobia(?)
succumbing to sleep was the one thing you hated the most.
dreams were unpredictable, and some would even say display your utmost fears and desires. unfortunately for you, you did not posses the ability to manipulate the things you experienced, and so dreams were usually nightmares, ones you were forced to live through each time the exhaustion was too much to shoulder.
you couldn’t remember what exactly was troubling you. all you could recall was the darkness, the stuffiness of a confined space and the yelling behind closed doors. there was a distinct smell too, eerily like blood and alcohol, tears and heartbreak as you pressed your hands firmer against your eardrums. maybe if you curled yourself in more you could escape it. maybe if you shut your eyes and quieted your whimpers of fear they wouldn’t find you.
the bangs got louder, where not even the closed space and the pressure on your ears could drown out the sounds. was it always this noisy? it didn’t usually go on for this long. were they especially angry this time?
your fingers tightened on the strands of hair gathered at your temple, praying to the archons, to the adepti, to anyone.
prayed that they’d come and save you.
“mortal.”
your whole body jerked awake, heart beating rapidly inside your chest as you sat up straight on your bed. the covers which had bound you tangled your limbs, falling of your shoulders and allowing the cold air to nip at your skin. you tried your best to calm down, to slow down the quickened breaths of air escaping your lips while glancing around the room. ah, you weren’t in the closet. it had been merely a conjuring of your mind.
this time your breath was a little more relaxed, taking another survey of your bedroom. you blinked in surprise at vaguely seeing the figure of a male right beside your bed, and it was now that you could feel the way his fingers tightened on your shoulder before quickly pulling away.
you squinted, willing your eyes to adjust to the dark and put a name to the person who had woken you up. short black hair, green strands and bright amber eyes that seemed to glow in the darkness, “xiao? what are you-“
“you called for me. i specifically stated that if you were to do so i’d appear.” he explained, and you felt your cheeks heat up just the slightest in embarrassment.
“oh..” ah, it had been another nightmare. you had woken up from one hours previously, but it seemed your mind would not let you rest peacefully tonight. and to make matters worst, it seemed while you were asleep you had called out for xiao, and now he was here to see you in such a vulnerable state, “i apologize. i did not mean to waste your time.”
he remained quiet for a moment, and you could feel his eyes studying you for an answer. finally, he broke the silence, “you seem..distressed.”
you shrugged, pulling the covers over your shoulders once more. it was getting cold, “just a nightmare.”
“you..get them too?” he asked, a hint of slight surprise in his tone.
slowly you nodded, letting out a small and bitter laugh to drown out the pain, “every night. without fail.”
“i see,” he stayed still for a moment, contemplating something before he shifted and rested his weight on the edge of the mattress. it dipped down where he brought up his legs, facing you, “well i suppose i can stay for a while longer.”
a small noise of surprise left your throat. xiao wanted to stay.
the adeptus must have taken notice of your shocked expression, folding his arms across his chest, “it is my duty to protect, and as of this moment i will oversee that you rest peacefully.”
another rush of heat blossomed on your cheeks and you quickly looked down at your hands, “you don’t have to..”
he let out a small huff, as if agitated that you were trying to decline his offer, “i do. now quiet and rest.”
despite his harsh tone you knew xiao meant well, feeling the smallest smile creep onto your face at seeing him care enough to comfort you during this time. the adepti had all the freedom in the world to just leave after knowing you weren’t in danger, and yet he had decided to stay to make sure the rest of your night went by peacefully.
slowly you laid back down on your bed, curling into the covers and allowing the heat to wash over your body. your head sinked into the pillows, and for several minutes you did your best to close your eyes and will your mind to quiet down enough to sleep.
but no matter how relaxed you became, it wasn’t enough. the fear of closing your eyes and finding yourself back in the closet remained at the back of your mind, and even your heartbeat had quickened at the thought of it. you needed something to distract yourself, something other than digging your nails into your skin.
slowly you turned over in your bed, finding xiao still facing you but head turned and watching the window. it was open, and moonlight filtered through and decorated the floor, the moon bright in the sky and the stars twinkling softly against the darkness.
you swallowed nervously, taking the courage to beak the silence, “xiao?”
he looked over at you, silent and waiting for you to continue.
you swallowed thickly, playing with the tips of your fingers, “uhm, i can’t sleep. is it alright if i hold your hand?”
he scoffed, and if it weren’t so dark you’d be able to make out the red dusting his own cheeks, “asking questions like that, i can’t tell if you’re incredibly bold or stupid.”
your lips tugged down into a minuscule frown, averting your eyes once more, “i just..need something to distract myself.”
“why is physical touch with me the first thing to come to mind?” he asked.
another wave of heat washed over your face in embarrassment, but still deciding to speak the truth, “well..your hands look soft. and warm.”
he looked down, bringing his palms face up. his own frown deepened while staring at them before letting them drop in his lap, “these hands are stained with blood.”
a small crack went down your heart at his words, slowly shaking your head in protest as you looked at him and stated your next words firmly, “i don’t care about that.”
you stared at each other for a moment, gaze unwavering to let him know that it was true. that you really didn’t care about the monsters he had killed the the wars he had participated in. you only cared about the xiao facing you right now, the one who was willing to stay to comfort you in time of need.
xiao’s face continued to hold that angry expression, like a challenge to tell you to back down. when you didn’t however, he let out a small tsk, quickly looking away and holding out his hand.
you stared at his outstretched palm, shyly interlacing your fingers and bringing it close to your chest. just as you had expected it was warm, and the gloves he wore were a nice texture against your bare skin.
already you could feel your heart rate slow down to a normal pace, just focusing your attention on the steady breathing of the adepti and the way his fingers felt tangled with yours. it was so strange, foreign to you but nevertheless you enjoyed it, even going as far as to slowly rub the pad of your thumb over the leather.
a shy smile painted your lips at hearing his breath hitch at your ministrations, so fleeting you would’ve missed it if you weren’t so focused on him. you feared he’d pull away, tell you you’ve gone much further than simple handholding, but xiao remained still, and if you weren’t slowly falling asleep you’d even say he had gently squeezed your hand in return.
“goodnight xiao.” you mumbled softly, feeling your consciousness drift off.
vaguely you felt fingers brush away the strands covering your forehead, warmth spreading across your skin at every touch, “yes, may sweet dreams find you in your sleep.”
