#xx negative

[gothshy]

Idc anymore.

[ofinlustris-moving]

;; ok so apparently “sulking about” my depression is making it worse. 

Thanks asshole. 

I’ll keep that in mind. 

when someone says they don’t feel like talking how about instead of assuming you’re saving the day and they’re “sulking” they might be trying to save others by bringing them down by more crying and complaining. 

when they tell you they don’t feel like talking how about taking it at face value.

[gothshy]

;; So.

The lowdown is. I went to a hair salon to get a tricky knot out of my hair. My hair is fine and when it gets knotted it can be a hassle to untangle by myself sometimes so I often require some assistance. I’ve had this done before and it’s never gone like this before.

I went in and these people…well, they basically did everything wrong. I seemed to know more about hair than they did.

I don’t want to upset myself again thinking too much about it. but basically they just pulled my hair and yanked it and brushed it with the wrong kind of comb (a big-toothed comb) until they pulled the knots out. I was in tears by the time they were done it hurt so much. And they just laughed. Then they gave me a dry-roller treatment I didn’t ask for. I finally just asked them to take the rollers out and let me go. And that was difficult too.

I guess the worst part was that it reminded me of a babysitter I had when I was tiny who used to yank my hair when I wouldn’t sit still. And I know I’m not being an overly whiny about this. That same woman was caught for child abuse and put on probation. (My mom was the one who reported her.) It’s a memory so bad and so early that I actually see myself instead of remembering it first-person perspective. And it’s in black and white. My doctor said that’s a form of intense dissociation. I don’t remember much else.

I’ll delete this post later probably. It’s a bit too close to home to just leave sitting here. But I did want to vent.

[gothshy]

;; i look at my kitchen and my car. and i am overwhelmed. greatly. how am i going to do this alone? how can one person clean and pack all this. other people clean and pack houses/apartments twice and three times as big so what’s wrong with me that i feel so overwhelmed when it comes to this tiny little apartment? is it my disorganized living habits? is it my lack of self-esteem? is it that i’m just lazy and scared? whatever it is, i have to do it. and i have to do it today. i’ve made a schedule and i need to stick to it this time. omg.

[gothshy]

;; sudden fit of crying again

idk why. i’m getting out of this apartment. i have a job interview on thursday. i’ve got a chance to do my thesis without taking another semester. things are getting better.

yet waking up sends me into a panic. so bad i have to take my medicine for it. and then i just want to sleep the whole day.

my head is pounding. 

the food stamps feel like they’re never coming in. so i never have money for bills. my car insurance canceled on me. others are asking for hundreds of dollars i don’t have.

i can’t stop crying. 

i need to clean. i need to work on my thesis. i need to call people. i need to do things. i need to stop fucking crying and wanting to end myself. other people handle this bullshit. why am i not strong enough?

[gothshy]

;; got a ticket tomorrow and no money to pay it. guess that means community service. so like... what? am i gonna clean dog crap off the side of the road? how does that work?

i was kind of in a good mood again and then i remembered that. plus all the other stuff i have to do and the fact that food stamps still haven’t come in and i emotionally drain anyone i speak to. making me a shit friend/whatever. 

took my meds like i’m supposed to. trying to stick to schedule like i’m supposed to. but keep pushing things back. 

wish my mom could tell me everything will be already without bitchslapping me verbally at the same time. that’d be nice.

[gothshy]

;; my heart is broken.

I woke up and realized: I am not in a place financially and mentally to care for an animal that needs me.

I took one before I was ready. And this little dog that needs and deserves love and who I already love so much...deserves so much more and better than me.

I am bringing him back to his fosters tomorrow. 

The whole reason I moved out here was for a care animal. And it is something I realize I am not ready for. 

I feel like I’ve reached my cracking point. After I return him (with gas money I have to ask for from my mom), I might check myself in somewhere. The world is going dark. And I don’t see much light in the future. I keep fighting out of sheer SPITE at this point. Anger is fueling me. 

I love this dog. But he deserves better.

[gothshy]

;; and today on Ace bitches about her dashboard:

#celestiaistrash, viva la “evil mares ‘cuz they prettiest even though I clearly didn’t read the bio and don’t realize this Nightmare Moon is more morally gray than evil”

“is your mane, like, uh, hair?”

“twin tails” instead of “pig tails”

Are this specific person (who I love btw)’s followers all snorting white out or glue before they send their asks? Or do they just smack their heads against the wall repeatedly before they type out their questions?