hiii! I wanted to ask you a not-necessarily-ly question, just because I'm curious (and keep in mind I was a very occasional casual fan of D&P pre-2019 and not autistically-invested pre Hard Launch so I'm uneducated of how obvious stuff was)
What was your reaction as a phanfic writer as they started revealing stuff?
Specifically:
1) "Trying to live my truth" being posted like around the same time you started posting... a fanfic about Dan living his truth (also ft: Dan "wanting to get stuff in and out of his mouth" and "oral fixation" which are real quotes from that vid).
2) the hiatus (*screams*)
3) Basically I'm gay (the stuff on sexuality+ a pretty good LY-like depiction of having all eyes on you in terms of being open about sexuality/ fan speculation)
4) The basically I'm gay stuff on gender + following dan-fucks-around-with-gender-norms era (I was thinking about it when you used all the nail-polish symbolism in LY given the early WAD-era posts with cross-dressing + Dan painting his nails fr)
5) The tit era soft-launches (ejem PLEASE watch this video compilation of kink/ general innuendos, those two are hornier and know more kink vocab than all the fanfic writers I follow combined: https://youtu.be/hYmOzuQ-J04?si=y_doub-DCNz9f_5Y )
6) The hard launch acknowledgement of the impact of phanfic (no shade because you were pretty vague about V-day Vid knowledge but for example, how do you feel in retrospective about adding cherry lube to your fic?) + #Iamnotabottom howell
7) The hard launch in general.
Hope you are okay, no hurries on answering these or stuff from my yapping ass in general, I was just super curious as I read because you predicted so many things I thought were post-2019 (protective Dan, gender=formless-blob Dan, "i don't mind waiting" Phil, "wants to separate coming out from hard launch" decision, DAN LIKING FISHNETS... and so much more.)
i've been sitting on this ask for like 2 weeks or whatever, which hopefully now, it's obvious why.
i'll dig more into this in the debrief (coming soon), but i wrote 42 as a way to both process what being in the phandom during that time was sometimes like (both good and bad) and partially as a cautionary reminder of what we were and what we could become again if we aren't careful
i answered your questions to the best that my memory will allow because wow has my world changed a lot in 8 years or whatever and memory is a fickle bitch sometimes. i'm going out of order because the phanfic part is more important (to me) than the others:
6. since I started writing phanfic, it pretty much always felt "permitted" because I (i'm pretty sure) starting writing fic post tabinof. and like! they wrote their own phanfics to go in the book! look! they wouldn't do that if they weren't okay with us writing fic! we're not being creepy or breaking rules! (whether, at the time, it was permission freely or begrudgingly given is a topic for fair debate, and after TBV, i lean much more heavily toward begrudging than i did back then). phanfic had also been totally normalized in the phandom before i ever came into it. i've never been in a fandom with something as cool and comprehensive and organized and helpful as the phanfictioncatalogue. it was hard to challenge the thought of "is phanfic really okay" when it was so heavily the norm.
nowadays, my thoughts are mixed (which I know is going to sound incredibly hypocritical as someone with a nearly 400k fanfic under my belt). i look back at the non-ly phanfic i wrote and feel a lot differently about it now than i did then. i think about writing about early 2010s dan being closeted and the 2012 drama, which was "old lore" by the time i joined the phandom, and don't necessarily feel comfortable with those works. writing phanfic is one thing, but those real life struggles weren't mine to write about.
in 2026, i don't read a lot of phanfic, largely because writing phanfic takes up 99% of my available fanfic time and if i have to pick between reading and writing, i'm usually going to write. but when i do decide to read something, it's almost always au or, if it's "canon" -- never set pre-coming out, and rarely set pre-hard launch. i talk more about boundaries and how we all have to navigate them for ourselves (and also together) post TBV in the incoming ly42 debrief, but for me, not touching deep speculation on their irl closeted lives, especially their young baby relationship, is a hard line.
you mentioned cherry lube specifically: i honestly don't know if cherry lube came from the bad video, and i wish that was a thing i Knew. i wish the contents of that video hadn't become so set in "canon" that it is impossible, in hindsight, for me to know which pieces of "lore" were lifted out of a stolen gift. that's part of why i'm not comfortable with pre-coming out "canon" phanfic. when i think about the content those kinds of fics, mine included, use to have, i get sick wondering which pieces of "lore" came from what kind of forbidden archaeology. which carelessly dropped trivia fact was actually a reference to a formspring answer that was never supposed to see the light of day. which family member's name was discovered through too-invasive internet searching. which cute date was based on something real, something ordinary people weren't supposed to know about. (i hope modern "canon writers have learned from our mistakes)
re: #iamnotabottom howell: all i can think about is how vigorously angry a loud subset of people would get at any implication that dan topped. writing top!dan was legitimately kind of taboo. got way less hits and kudos. absolutely no one should have had such viscerally strong feelings about their bedroom positions that they got into legitimate spats with strangers on the internet over suggesting they might be something different. there's a reason this theme showed up over and over in 42.
trying to live my truth (specifically the oral fixation) line rocked our fucking words. like, there was this understanding amongst the phandom that *yeah probably*. i remember the wave of other youtubers (tyler oakley, connor franta, ingrid nilsen, hannah hart...) coming out and dnp not saying anything and coming to terms with okay *if we're right* then this is just how it's going to be. like a funhouse mirror that distorts, but doesn't truly hide, part of reality. and then dan made the queerest coded video and made a very obvious reference to sucking cock and everything shifted. i'm pretty sure i cried the first time i watched that video (i am not a big crier, for context). i felt like that was probably all we were ever going to get, but it felt like so much, was such an honest video, that it never felt lacking
hiatus sucked (for me). it mapped really well onto when i was going through my own Dropout Crisis and pandemic and i drifted away from the phandom for a long time (there was also the ly of it all -- enjoying their content was hard when i was reminded of this big unfinished project that i didn't actually want to leave unfinished). i remember being (in hindsight) unfairly frustrated with them, esp dan, for scaling back on content so much after ii.
(this is my perception) there was a lot of resentment in the phandom around that time. people had spent a lot of time and money and effort going to ii and supporting them in general and then dan starting quietly ghosting and people felt like they were owed more, owed an explanation, owed something. and i'm not going to lie to you and tell you i was any different. that i was magically unproblematic when my dash was filled with post after post ranting about the same things. the attitude around the beginning of the hiatus is part of what drove me away.
it's extra terrible because we, in hindsight, know more about what was going on with dan in that time and i am so mad that we weren't more forgiving. that we, at least initially, probably contributed to burnout through our demanding and whiny little posts that, yes, came from a place of love, but also weren't appropriate.
i spent october - jan catching up on hiatus content though, and there was so much great content there. i'm sad i didn't engage with it in real time.
i remember where i was when basically i'm gay dropped (i was vacation at the beach, literally on the beach) and remember again crying because it felt so important. i remember trying to explain to the people i was with how important this person coming out was, how hard it must have been for him and how amazing it was that he did it anyway. i remember a few weeks later when phil came out, it didn't have the same emotional impact (don't think it was intended to), but it was just as important and revolutionary.
in hindsight, i'm pretty sure the first time i saw dan in nail polish, my world was shifted way more than a cis girl watching her favorite youtuber play with "gendered" fashion should have been, but i wasn't ready for that conversation. LOTS of people lost their shit (/positive) right along with me, so it was easy to overlook how it made me, personally, feel (also, given how much "dan changed my gender" has become a meme, in hindsight, at least some of that shit-losing around me was other people having their own trans experience with it). i do not remember if irl dan wearing nail polish preceded ly!dan wearing polish and some women's clothes, but they were definitely an ouroboros in my mind and baby trans thoughts
i wasn't around for tit era in real time :( can't wait to watch that video later though
at the top
thank you hard launch. i'm not sure if we deserved you, but i am so so so grateful for you.
I keep having the same phream of Phil just playing with my dog and giving her treats and pets and meanwhile my brother is like "we need to stop them from playing, she'll never learn how to act calm around strangers" and I have to be like "no B, let them have fun"
For context: this is pretty much what I see going down at least one night per week (but instead of attacking me with love it's to Phil Lester)
hi alfie!
Just here to say you are an absolute king (queen? monarch?) for doing so much for a (presumably unpaid) project like LY42 and it looked super cool!! Thank you for all the hours it must have taken you, because it 100% added to the "oh shit this *is* what fandoms are really like oh god" feeling.
Like, fans like me are absolutely blessed that people like you and @imnotinclinedtomaturity give us such fun and creative stuff for free. I love the internet because it reveals passion like yours and I hope you feel my admiration when I say you two are really embodying creative pioneer AP (think interactive christmas adventure) with your dedication. Have a good life! <3
oh my god????? it's 2am and i was about to go to bed when this hit inbox and now i might cry?
i'm so glad ly42 is getting such a good reception and that my work is contributing to that! i feel like... my role has been to give kit's words a stage to really sing on, because i mostly drew some boxes around them on your screen ;) but i also don't want to go full self deprecation, because the layout selling the immersion makes the words hit different.
and you're so right the internet is fucking magical, and i love that even in the age of algorithms and apps and brands dominating everything, there are spaces where actual people can come together from thousands of miles apart to *play* and *make shit* and let other people enjoy it. if i can be even a fraction of a percentage as creative as phil i'll feel like i'm winning at life, but i do try to take his approach of "okay this is what i have to play with, platform wise, what if i poked in the corners to push what we're doing with that".
Hi Kit!!! Well done in the last chapter, I have already left all my praises in AO3 and Alfie's blog. Three (hopefully short) things
1) I did a bunch of phanart of your story! I did! Sadly my finger drawing (I attempted to get better at digital art in my last hyperfixation) is so poor I have given up on like 5 different sketches/ didn't like them enough to gift to you. But by god, will I try to send you (someday) drawings to visualise the fan selfie outside of Phil's house, the chibi Dan and the paparazzi picture. I am filled with determination, even if I shall return to my comfort zone (physical art) and fight my perfectionism (last night i was up until 4 with the fan selfie in my cracked 2010 ipad). I can see it all so clearly so thank you for the endless art-practise inspo!
2) Another reason I got delayed was because I was writing a fic myself (... and Phil) and it was just 17k words but it felt monumental and would take me ages to re-read. Just know, the more I write the more I admire both the length and easy-to-read-ness of your fic.
3) Fyi you motivated me to write a long-ass fic (lets see if my phyuri kight x princess ever sees the light of day...) So now I'm curious about your process!! How far in advance did you plan out chapters? Specially with a slowburn, did you already know when the milestones (confession, first kiss... etc) was going to happen? Any tips as a fellow adhd-er with writing?
A hundred thanks if you answer to any of these! (feel free to ignore the last one if you don't feel like helping a shitty teenage writer in your free time). Kudos again for chapter 42!!!
awww thank you for working on art for my fic! please don’t ever feel like things you create aren’t good enough to share! art (all forms) takes time and effort and doing things less-good-than-you-want. i was in the early depths of ly last week and read some paragraphs that i was like oh god, can i just delete that and try again 😂 but also they’re really a testament to “keep doing the thing & it will improve”. i mean, obvi zero pressure to share anything you create with *me specifically* but just like generically, i encourage you to push through the part where you don’t like something and keep practicing and keep working on it!
and also, if you’re open to unsolicited advice from someone nearly twice your age lol, keep those imperfect pieces! again, you don’t have to post them publicly if you don’t want to, but keep them somewhere they won’t get lost and you can easily reference in a few years. because progress takes time and is so incremental; it can be really hard to notice it actually *happening*. having old work to look back on is often the most tangible proof we have that we’ve grown.
also, on the topic of perfectionism, you know how far back in ly i have to go to find a sentence i'd write different? like a chapter. if that. in my experience, the perfectionism doesn't go away as you grow because the bar is always shifting. it's part of what makes having those old pieces to reference nice. because when you find that detail you hate in your modern work, you can go look at your old work and realize how that imperfect detail is actually leagues better than anything you used to make, and that's a really cool feeling.
also: *just* 17k? *JUST* 17K? don’t knock yourself! my first *four* fics on ao3 amount to 18k! be proud of yourself!
in depth writing process answer here (my answer very quickly spiraled out of control)
to answer some of the more specific questions you asked though:
I had strong ideas about when relationship milestones would happen and still do about some future ones (meeting the parents, ily, moving in together). Others I let unfold as they seem fit (particularly around kink and sex)
as a fellow adhd writer, my biggest tip is to write the scene that is in your head. don't try to force yourself to write the next scene if that's not the scene that's on loop in your brain rn. you will frustrate yourself and, best case, you'll write the scene but it won't be enjoyable. more likely, given how much adhd craves dopamine, you won't write anything. worst case, you'll get a full on case of writer's block. there's nothing wrong with writing out of order and, as you'll see in the writing processes post, i'm a huge advocate of how it helps shape a long form story for the better
how far in advance i plan: usually i have bullet points for scenes for whatever arc i'm working in, but often stuff gets pushed or rearranged
also, again, don't undersell yourself. take the word "shitty writer" out of your vocab right now. you're a writer who is growing and honing their craft. always. *i'm* a writer who is growing and honing my craft. doesn't matter where you are in the process, if you're trying and practicing and growing, you're not shitty
hi! Nothing to say but its been a while since I've annoyed/ said hi to you, one of my favourite phanfic authors. So just dropping this oldie Phil video:
https://youtu.be/Udqo23EY_1o?si=0jXp3fG53LFAR4SG
- i was wondering how Phil being an english major that wrote fanfic probably positively influenced how he views us + it reminded me of your talk about to what extent their support of RPF was freely given
Give it a rewatch for some laughs (fast-paced smutty fanfic really has it's own wonderful style) and have a good day! <3
hiiii omg sorry it's been like 10 days. I was so happy to see you in my inbox again, and then had zero social spoons to respond to anything for a hot minute 😅 sorry, really do appreciate the ask, i promise 🫠
i haven't watched this vid in ages! thanks for sending it, it is cool to watch it back now after rpf and fandom boundaries have been on my mind so much lately
i think dnp both genuinely appreciate people creating creative works, whether it's fic or art or video edits or whatever else, and that seems to be a large factor in their approval of fanfic. putting that together with the fact that phil has written fic before, it's easy to see how phil (& maybe dan) might have an understanding that fic is often about a lot more than the original-source material and "omg they should fuckkkkkk". it was cool hearing him talk about being a young, angsty gay and his annoyance at the lack of mm pairings in his favorite show and his eagerness for a weird hybrid creature that the producers never explored.
also this video was so relatable omg:
i died at phil growing increasingly like ??? at the use of the word moon. i feel like anyone who writes totally understands the pain of rereading your work and being like NOT THAT WORD AGAIN STOP IT! this literally happened to me on monday in 45
"flap is such an unsexy word there" also a thing that happens to me on the regular lol. i was too lazy to find a completely egregious example, but i did find two funny bits from 39
(also hiii you keep popping up on my feed so nice to meet you, phannie tumblr loves to send to me. You seem cool! Have a good day <3)
hii!! it's nice to meet you too!
I have to say phlonde is #1 for me, then old school emo at #2, natural colour current style at #3, then quiff at #4, and 2014-18 era emo at #5 (ik it's classic it just wasn't doing anything for him 😭)
