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oh boy i just got into That Part of episode 46 y’all and unsurprisingly it made me cry

i just. imagine how long matt and ashley were waiting for her to be back so she could have that episode and it just. it’s probably the most dramatic thing since molly and you can see travis and marisha just silently go “oh, fuck” when she mentions bringing zuala flowers

i think a lot about yasha in the dolorav tribe and i had this personal hc that she was human before and the stormlord took her as a kind of resurrected harbinger but moreso now i just feel like that zuala is the fallen part of her being an aasimar. it was against the tribe to marry her but yasha didn’t lose her celestial purpose because she went against the skyspear, it was almost self-inflicted. she took a lifelong oath to her wife and in her eyes she failed it, and that’s what would have felt like falling out of heaven— living in a world zuala wasn’t in.

and even moreso than anyone else in the nein, there’s no catharsis she’s looking for. i feel like there’s an implied future of going back and killing skyspear/taking the title of champion in the name of the stormlord, but it won’t bring her wife back and she’s still fallen. all the healing she does is hard work, and she has to simultaneously deal with the fact that the two people she loved the most died and being afraid that anyone else she loves will die because she couldn’t save them, while the stormlord is telling her that she can only save the people she loved by being strong enough to stay

she’s been with the party since nicodranas, and her leaving is an entirely separate thing from the fact that ashley can’t be there often. she hasn’t left since she did right after molly, and i think it’s really telling that storms aren’t messages for her to leave anymore, they’re telling her to stay. having ashley there for ep 46 is so powerful even from the first few minutes where she’s just grumpy at breakfast and covering up that she was terrified they were gone, that they left her this time, that she failed the people she loves again. it’s the first time she’s ever been openly angry with the group, much as she’s pretty broody, because all her anger comes from fear and pain.

and i’m not one to speculate about character relationships, but i would bet that all of what the others attributed to hesitation and being a disaster lesbian was 100% fear of getting too attached. her whole time with the nein, ever since she met molly, has just been seeing places more beautiful than she ever imagined where each thing is more colorful than the last and i can just imagine her trying to soak up all of it through her notebook and her flowers because zuala can’t see it and she wants more than anything to show it to her. there’s this enormous guilt in enjoying herself, which makes it really easy to just be the muscle for the circus, to not engage, to leave and go off killing some things for her god every time she feels like she’s getting too close to the party, but after molly dies she needs to stay, for herself so she doesn’t lose herself again and for everyone else, and the stormlord stops calling for her.

i wouldn’t be surprised if she never gets called away again, and it almost seems like the last time wasn’t so much an “i have a task for you” and more of the stormlord allowing her to just grieve alone for the one she lost one last time before she has to start trying to break the cycle, because she has a family now, and she needs to be there to protect them, but she also needs to be there for them to help her.

and i’m not to the incubus/succubus fight yet but oh man do i know about the really quiet “i’m sorry” and i just. i love yasha so much. none of her healing is alone and she’s never going to replace zuala or molly but she has people to share their memory with and people who make sure she‘s not holding their funerals alone anymore.

#fleece.txt #critical role #yasha nydoorin #cr yasha #a storm of memories #zuala nydoorin #yashala #zuasha #cr meta #i’m. hoo boy.#i’m. quietly rooting for beauyasha but it’s. a long time.#i have so many flowers to bring her is such a wonderful line #like. just the quiet pride and love.#fuck dude.#long post

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Rating: T+ Relationship: Yasha/Zuala Wordcount: 5.3k Additional Notes: Written for Day 3 of @critrolefemslash Week: Moonlight! Warnings for implications of canon-typical violence and brief character injury.

Yasha regards love much the way people do natural disasters: with fear, inevitability, and distance. She could have never prepared for Zuala.