▰▰▰▰▰▰ MNET GLOBAL AUDITIONS, SEASON 5 ˟ EP. 5 PERFORMANCE ▰▰▰▰▰▰
is it his number that makes them the first up for the week? he wonders but doesn’t want the answer. that’s how he’s always been— afraid to know the answers. because when you ask a question, when you ask certain questions, there’s an answer in mind. one you have for yourself, one you make or take for yourself with each thought, each move, each breath. for so long, minho thought making his own answers was as easy as what his grandfather and mother taught him: be you. b.yu. that’s all he needs. but he thinks he’s undeserving of the name honoring his maternal grandfather this week— that’s his problem, one he doesn’t have an answer for even as they’re on the way to the studio.
his problem: he convinces himself he doesn’t deserve anything
too good at pretending that nothing bothers him, nothing stays on his mind, that he’s anidiot so it must slip off effortlessly right? ignorance is bliss. he thinks this again, but it’s a lie. a sugarcoated lie that can’t be an answer to anything no matter how hard he tries.
fist clenched as he thinks of what his sister had to say this time, his jaw feels tense, and he has to will himself to stop, has to will himself to exhale. breathe, minho, just breathe. he didn’t think he’d have to tell himself this the longer the show goes on, the closer they are to the final. the truth is, he didn’t think they’d let him get this far and maybe, just maybe, his sister is right. he’s spent all week going back and forth about it, trying to sort out this and figure out that when he misses the days he didn’t worry about any of it.
it’s supposed to be simple. be you. just dance.
but now it’s a string of rules that don’t make sense, results that continue to shake him to the core and he wonders when everything will feel like they make sense again.
●●●●●● LAST WEEK, ON THE FOURTH EPISODE OF MGA S5 — 7월 18일 ●●●●●●
he’d been right, about the greed that was starting to grip his heart.
he’d been right and, damn, well that wasn’t the answer he wanted either. i didn’t even ask, he mentally gripes, because it’s a meme and a genuine complaint all in one. when his name is called, when seunghun’s name is called especially, he feels relieved, excited, too hopeful.
when the winner of the week isn’t them, that greed is flowing through his veins; it’s too late. he feels disappointment settle more heavily than he thought it would. top 3 is good too. more than good. it’s amazing and normally he’d be happy with it, but he can’t deny that people expected him to win, whether they believe in his past or in his experience or his talent. whether they think it’s just his name or because of his performance, because of his performance with seunghun, because they both did beautifully in his eyes— he knows what’s said, what’s expected, and he feels bad all over again that he could be dragging seunghun down.
what if he could’ve gotten top 3 with someone else and won? what if he blamed himself just because of minho? what if people spoke poorly of him because of minho? the competitions he was used to as kid and a teen weren’t like this. you’re a team but you still performance individually at least half the time. you mess up your routine? that’s on you. but this is… ah, he should be used to it by now right? being a trainee and debuting… but it’s not the same. a reality competition show isn’t the same. at that age, he doesn’t remember being as mentally strong as they were. as nakyung. as seunghun. he doesn’t remember being so strongly ambitious, with a specific goal in mind. he had the outline, the generic basics down, but… now, now, when he’s directly paired with someone else and didn’t win, now is when he feels like he took someone else’s opportunity away.
when they’re moving off stage, minho keeps apologizing to seunghun and he has to pretend that the studio is “dry as hell,” using a lame excuse of using eye drops for why his eyes seem the way they do. how does he go back now? how does he rest knowing they came so close and fell short and he could’ve done more? couldn’t he have?
this line of thinking isn’t like him and he feels almost nauseous. there’s some ill foreboding feeling looming over him, goosebumps lining his arms, and he feels haunted. haunted in how his eyelids suddenly feel heavy, how his hands don’t feel like they belong to him the more he waits for the filming to conclude. he barely concentrates during eliminations, only knows a moment of oh hey when it turns out jinyoung and jackson did come back like he was thinking and hoping for. finding out they’re going to be put in trios is surprising to him. he can’t recall right then and there if they’ve done it before but— the next detail they’ve given answers that feeling he was trying to shake off.
SPHERE ENTERTAINMENT, TRIOS 1 AND 2
no, it can’t be.
he’s reading it wrong, isn’t he?
because why not? he’s suddenly jared, 19, and never fucking learned how to read.
it’s gotta be wrong. send him back to first grade or whatever grade you’re supposed to start reading. is it earlier than that? dammit, why doesn’t he know this or remember? maybe jared is his alter ego.
but he’s happy about his team, he really is. because he’s liked jeon heejin since he heard her sing and kyul is a born dancer. he can’t imagine them not making it all the way on the show and no that’s not why he likes them, not why he likes being teamed up with them. if we’re being totally honest, he has no idea how the three of them will work out as a trio when they’re more evenly split as a rapper, a dancer, and a singer. how do they highlight each skill they have without sacrificing another?
it feels like a classic movie moment when they all meet up and he wouldn’t have it any other way the more he gets to know them over dinner, how they’re all eager to work their plan out, all too eager to give up their own main skill to focus on another for the sake of the group, andthat makes him feel better about this being a competition: that you can still feel like friends despite it all.
they could’ve just focused on one, maybe two skills, considering giving priority to one and hope the rest will work out on stage, any stage they do could be carried by heejin’s vocals, by kyul’s dancing, he knows this, but the fact they they’ll get to work with both in such a fun way… he didn’t think he’d calm down and let go of the feelings from earlier. having heejin and kyul around make it easy.
being alone makes it difficult. being alone lets him think too much again, and again, andagain. being alone means he thinks of everything that’s happened for the past few months and his mind is too restless for his body to handle. leg shaking, fingertips tapping, hair ruffled, tossing and turning in bed when he finally gives up on going through the technicalities of what they’re planning to do, the layout of the stage, the audio, everything and anything but it’s not distracting enough. his mind drifts and wanders only to come back to the same destructive thoughts as if he’s permanently tethered to them.
sleep doesn’t come to him at all.
instead, he’s up way too early, his morning run completed before dabin’s able to call him and ask about joining. he’s confused and laughing, along with jaeseop when they stand outside minho’s room waiting for him to come out of the shower.
“so you’re saying… you already did your normal run and took a shower?”
he can’t see a damn thing but jaeseop is mouthing to dabin that there’s no way minho slept last night. even if they said it to his face, he couldn’t be mad. when he comes out dressed to head to sphere, he’s still distracted, confused. distraught is the one descriptive he misses but it’s damn close to being the most accurate when you add everything up.
seik’s called over before he can say anything to stop them from this parade just so he can head over to the designated company practice room and he’s sighing when seik comes, his first words being “what’s wrong with him?” face scrunched up, he sighs as he leans back in the ottoman, chin resting in the palm of his hand as he leans on the chair’s arm. “why does anything have to be wrong with me?”
the last thing he wanted to hear was a chorus between the three of them of “you’re going to sphere.” there’s a lot he can think of now but all he hears is white noise, static, a light ringing in his ear and it’s probably the lack of sleep, right?
funnily enough, he originally planned on taking his bike or taking public transportation, orhell walking/running to sphere because it was still so damn early. he can’t figure out if it’s the change in plans on the sleep deprivation in this case too when he starts feeling a little carsick. who the hell let jaeseop take the wheel instead of seik? instead, the 2nd oldest of them all is sitting in the backseat with minho and he reaches out to punch minho’s shoulder.
“what?”
“hey, gimme something more than that. we’re not expecting you to, you know…”
it’s weird for seik not to be the most direct one in the vicinity. even with strangers, seik can be a little too honest so he stares at his friend for a while, feels bad that all three of them are there because they’re worried about him.
“i’m good. really. it was bound to happen, right? why would mnet miss an opportunity to set this up?” he does gotta give them that. the only thing that could make it worse is if they add in coaches and he runs into familiar faces more directly than he might today. his plans when it comes to that is to use his prior knowledge of the building to his advantage but… how far can that get him in the long run? it’s not like he wants to avoid anyone… ah, scratch that. he literally admitted it in one of his previous performances— the performance that got him his first win this season and set the stage for the pressure that’s currently on his shoulders.
he is avoiding them so he’s thinking of the best route to take and see the least amount of trainees and staff possible— “did you write a letter this time?”
“huh?”
“don’t you do it every time?” dabin asks from the front passenger seat. “when you t—” seik makes a sound of disapproval that he passes off as a loud grunt and jaeseop’s punching his leg even though he should keep his hand on the gear shift or the steering wheel at least.
dabin does have a point and minho chuckles, leans an arm against the window as he looks out. they’re close now. no going back now. ironically, that’s what he thought when he left the last time too. he thought that was it, that he wasn’t gonna walk through those doors again. whether it’s punishment or to encourage him, he hasn’t decided yet, hasn’t determined it, hasn’t found the answer.
there’s no letter this time. it feels too early, too soon, in the show, and in general. he doesn’t know the outcome yet, what could he say? what would he say? the truth is, he isn’t sure she read either letter from the last two times anyway but he doesn’t mention it at all when the car is parked and they look to him expectantly.
“uh… alright, thanks for the ride. i’m going.”
dabin’s whining is overshadowed by the grip seik has on his arm before he opens the door. “you know what to do.” it’s too open-ended to any outsider but minho smiles because he gets it, because friends like this, friends he’s had for years and know him well enough that five words is enough to settle him down enough to walk inside, are the only ones he should’ve let know about his relationship. he knows better now. he can walk in with that knowledge confidently, even if it’s the only thing he’s confident about when he does.
when he reaches the sidewalk on the same side of the street as sphere, jaeseop presses the horn, yelling out the window, “check your backpack later when you get a moment!”
… shit, he didn’t realize until now that jaeseop was all over his backpack earlier. god, he hopes it’s family friendly. heejin’s only a year older than nakyung after all and kyul’s a few years older than them. forget the camera, he’s more concerned about what they’ll think.
[oh boy, does he throw that notion out the window real quick]
his mood is more stable when he’s inside. oddly enough, being in a sphere practice roomdoes make him want to practice hard. he’d do it anyway but there’s something about the familiarity that hits him and hits him hard. memories come and go with each stretch and small exercise he goes through while waiting.
why he was he there so early? he feels like he’s been waiting for hours [of course it’s not but a restless mind exaggerates more than ever]
running around the room, push-ups, pull-ups, you name it, he’s tried it to pass the time. at some point, he’s just laid flat out, arms tucked in, rolling across the floor in the hopes it’ll also inspire him to think of more to offer for their routine. it doesn’t end up working but hey five more minutes gone just like that!
his phone rings and he runs into a slide at the last moment, hand digging into his jacket pocket as he’s sprawled across the floor again. “damn,” a glance at the camera in the corner. “can i say that?”
he sends jaeseop’s call to voicemail like nothing, disappointed it wasn’t one of his teammates saying they’re on the way but his phone goes off again and it’s still jae.
“come on, man— what? my back— oh.” he forgot already. looking over at his backpack, he swallows thickly. it can’t be that bad right? and maybe he ought’a open it now while they’re not here.
what he finds is more ridiculous than he could’ve guessed. a fucking clown wig. are they kidding? the icing on the cake has got to be the card with a picture of a clown and a cut-out of his face pasted atop it. of course. of course, and he skims the note for now, rolling his eyes when he sees the mention of a letter to baek jiyoung— no wonder dabin tried bringing it up. to think he thought seik and jae were stopping dabin to protect his feelings.
despite that, he can’t believe this most of all: that he put it on and he’s laughing. one line was clear before he put the card away. “we heard there’s a clown show at sphere.” those punks.
but hey… can’t say they’re wrong either and oh man wouldn’t heejin and kyul at least laugh? it’s funny, right? before he can answer that too, it’s too late when they come in together and he’s biting his inner cheek. shit. when kyul asks how long he’s been sitting there, he has no answer except,
“long enough to put this wig on?”
day by day, sphere is easier to come back to when he thinks of his teammates. even the other trio sharing the practice room makes it fun and between all the food they bring in, kyungsoo’s quiche on his mind days later, to now when somehow the discussion turned to how much he can lift because bro do you even lift—and stupidly he’s lifting kyungsoo, doing squat reps just to prove a point until he ends up doing push-ups on the floor with heejin and kyul sitting on his back.
guess he found his next talent to show off if he’s asked.
his attachment grows day by day too and he’s happier seeing it in their eyes too, in how he and kyul naturally, wordlessly have this agreement to protect heejin and it shows most in the moment they’re practicing the first take with the “vr headset.” it’s custom made but should work ou—
kyul’s yelling for him to go to heejin first by the time he fully comprehends, because heejin is cute with her hair all askew anyway isn’t she, but gotta protect her image. their princess can’t be exposed like this and he’s covering her face, blocking her from the camera with his tall frame as he tries to smooth out her hair. “uh… i’m sorry. sh— shhhhaall we fix this?” minho nervously chuckles to cover up his almost swear. “kyul, you’d be better at this,” he calls behind him but he knows it’s pointless because she’s busy keeping the camera occupied. he forgot goggle hair could be a thing.
●●●●●● ONE STEP CLOSER, JUST BEFORE THE RECORDING — 7월 25일 ●●●●●●
his mind feels rattled and when he listens to kyul and heejin talking before the show, he feels better. calmer. more like he’s not all the labels tied to his name. more than the netizen comments, more than the words of the other contestants, and more than the expectations of anyone outside the three of them. when he sees them, he just wants to enjoy this performance because he’s genuinely fond of them. it’s not that he doesn’t feel as fond of nakyung and seunghun, because he does, but it’s because this time he had to worry more about a group, because the concerns of getting along with one person is doubled when it comes to a trio.
“hey, i know it’s not much but… i have something for you guys,” the boxes are both colors he associates well with them. he has no logic for it but he thinks of heejin as pink, maybe it’s because she also reminds him of sakura, of nakyung, of both girls also in the competition that he feels the need to protect. when it comes to kyul, he thinks of purple although unfortunately the stones on her gift aren’t of the same color. “you know, since you guys are the princess and a huntress… i know the bow and arrow is from a game but hey… she’s also badass right?”
●●●●●● NEXT ON STAGE, MINHO, JIEQIONG, AND HEEJIN, EP. 5 — 7월 25일 ●●●●●●
seeing the stage after being prepped on it and asking questions, wondering if it’ll be exactly as they pictured and work for their performance— it also brings a certain level of calm to him that’s swallowed up by nerves and excitement when they’re called up. he’d looked out and saw the trio that shared the room with him, sakura, nakyung, seunghun— ah, even daniel. it should make him more nervous, they’re all competition, but he thinks about it again and all he wants is to have fun, just like he did before. he wants this to be the best stage they can perform and, most of all, he wants to know their hard work comes together just as perfectly on camera as it did for all the tens, dozens, maybe even a hundred times, that they went through it in practice.
they’re the royal court and he tries not to laugh at his role, truth be told. doesn’t it suit him? no matter what his sister said earlier in the week, no matter if anyone’s laughing at him, he’ll laugh too from now on the way he has been for most of his life— because the one thing he can control is how he reacts to things and right now, all he wants to do is react to the music once it starts up.
▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ 뿜뿜 BBOOM BBOOM &&. DNA ♫ MASH-UP IS SELF-PRODUCED BY HEEJIN, JIEQIONG, AND MINHO NOTE: THE GESTURES & EXPRESSIONS IN VIDEO ARE SIMILAR IF NOT WRITTEN !
kyul moves when he does once heejin has the glasses on and he’s moving swiftly, trying to beat her there as he tells her, “no, it’s my song. she chose yours last time!” he slips right into the role of a video game character wanting to be chosen, dancing before kyul can and proudly too.
▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ 첫눈에 널 알아보게 됐어 서롤 불러왔던 것처럼 I RECOGNIZED YOU AS SOON AS I SAW YOU AS IF WE’VE CALLED EACH OTHER ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀
coming off as proud is something he barely has to act for because he is. even the lyrics match up perfectly for this mashup and each step, each swing of his arm feels electrified. he’s back to controlling the current and what motivates him most is how heejin controls the melody, the lyrics, how kyul controls the beat. how all of them dance and sing in harmony until the game changes.
▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ 이 모든 건 우연이 아니니까 BECAUSE ALL OF THIS IS NOT COINCIDENCE
우린 완전 달라 BABY WE’RE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, BABY
운명을 찾아낸 둘이니까 BECAUSE WE’VE FOUND OUR DESTINY ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀
looking at each other, they bring heejin into the game and he reaches to take the controller from her, grinning until she’s stolen away by kyul.
he’s the perfect picture of a sulking kid until he rounds them, sneaking up and coaxing heejin to his side. the two songs blend together more towards the end, the lyrics melting into one, and they dance together, not in unison exactly but as a unit.
the last run of chorus is meant to be more fun, a celebration of heejin joining them in the game and he’s sliding on the glasses, controller waved around in his hand as he sways, looking to heejin in the center with a smile.
he learned a lot from the both of them this week. most of all, without knowing, heejin might’ve been pulled into the game but they pulled him out of the one he was losing inside his head.
이 모든 건 우연이 아니니까 , BECAUSE ALL OF THIS IS NOT COINCIDENCE
PROFILE / SKILLS / AUDITION / EPISODE 3 / EPISODE 4 ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ EP. 5: PERFORMANCE / INTERVIEW
