"hey" Junhoe looked at me with his bright smile and tired eyes
"you sure you want to go out? you look so tired" I asked while I put my hand on his face and observed every inch to make sure nothing was wrong. He patiently stood infront of me, waiting for me to finish inspecting before we left for a walk out in the night
"i wont be able to sleep if you're on my mind. So this walk will help relieve my desires" he replied as his cheeks turned red and his gaze fell to the floor, unable to match mine.
One of Junhoe’s many talents was embarrassing himself with his own words.
I smiled and grabbed my hoodie so we could go out on our walk.
We decided to go to the local park by my house, it was dark but the streets were illuminated by the lights. Very few people were out, but the ones that were seemed to be all couples.
"wow i kinda feel left out of all the affection" Junhoe joked as we observed each couple either hugging or kissing or holding hands.
I chuckled, "is it better now?" i asked as i slipped my hand into his and intertwined our fingers.
His grip tightened as he looked at the ground and smiled, "much better"
The cold night breeze travelled through us, my hair flew back as the pressure of the wind hit my face, leaving it ice cold, and pink.
"jen hold on one second" Junhoe let go of my hand and started to take his jacket off
"wait no! Junhoe! im fine! you're going to catch a cold" i started to back away as he pulled me closer to put his jacket around me
"relax silly, im wearing 3 layers. im not cold" He then buttoned the top button on his jacket to keep the oversized thing from falling off. Once he was done, he stood back to see how it looked on me and couldnt help but laugh.
"i look ridiculous dont i?" I spun around to show off the look.
"you look adorable" He took my hand once more and started to walk us to the cotton candy stand.
"which one do you want?" he asked me as i looked at all the different colours of cotton candy and chose.
"that one" i pointed at the sky blue coloured one.
The nice lady handed me the treat as Junhoe paid.
"you two make an adorable couple" she said as she smiled at both of us
Junhoe and i instantly became awkward, our faces turned red from the compliment since this was the first time someone ‘acknowledged’ us. It was weird, and kind of uncomfortable but at the same time sweet and kind of her to say. It was a mix of a lot of emotions.
We both bowed before we started to walk away, escaping from the awkward atmosphere
"here" i ripped off a piece of the candy and put it in his mouth
We found an empty bench and decided to sit and rest our legs.
"you're awfully quiet today uh?" i said to Junhoe who was fiddling with his phone now
"oh really? i dont know, i guess i have a lot on my mind" he spoke but wouldnt look at me
"do you want to talk about it?" i asked and ripped some more cotton candy off to put in his mouth
"it's kinda hard to explain" he said while he opened his mouth to take the piece of cotton candy
"YA!! are you trying to eat my fingers too??" i laughed and flinched back from his bite
We both then laughed together and just looked at the star filled sky for a few minutes before i decided to say something.
"you know, it helps to talk about it"
Junhoe let out a chuckle, "that's funny, coming from you"
I turned to him, and punched his arm "hey! that's not fair!"
I played it off like a joke so that the conversation wouldnt get too serious. But he was right, I still didnt really do so well with ‘telling people my problems’.... I mean I did try to but it all kind of died off when....when hanbin and i stopped talking.
Junhoe then let out a very loud sigh as he stretch. I was suddenly taken back by the loud movement and shaken out of my own thoughts as i tried to understand what he was doing.
“hey jen...” Junhoe began to speak once more, “i dont think you’re ever going to smile without him uh?”
“what? I dont know what you’re talking about Junhoe.... i’m smiling right now arent I?” I tried to play off his words as a joke, even though i knew exactly what he was trying to get at.
"That's it! I give up!! There is no way i'll ever be able to replace him uh?" He then looked my way, his eyes fixed on mine as his expression showed nothing but brutally sincere, hurtful sadness
I couldnt look at him now..... I knew exactly where this was going and i knew he’d want an answer to something i wasnt ready to speak about.
If this was what was bothering him, i kind of wish i never asked to know.
He let out another painful chuckle, "it's okay Jen, you dont have to say anything. i kinda knew from the start"
"No...." i cut him off, "Junhoe when im with you, you're the only one on my mind, im not thinki--"
"i kinda wish i was on your mind even when im not with you" He looked at the pavement as his cheeks became red once more and his eyes filled with pain.
"...... it will just take time......" i had no excuse, he always knew exactly what was going on in my head.
"Jen..." he turned his body to face me now as he spoke, "i know i have no right to do this. i know you havent decided on your feelings about me yet. But i've been holding back for so long.... i cant be so strong all the time..... im sorry"
He grabbed my face with his hand as the other brushed my hair back. I froze as his eyes closed and he moved closer to me. So many emotions were going through my mind. The right thing to do would be to push him away since i really didnt know how i felt about us. But nothing was working. My limbs wouldnt listen. My voice wouldnt speak. I couldnt resist.
He tilted my face and pressed his lips on to mine.
I shut my eyes.
At first my lips didnt move to the rhythm of his. But after a few soft playful nudges from him, i gave in. His kisses were long, slow and soft. The best way to describe it would be just to say they were a physical form of his personality.
Shy at first, but as soon as he was comfortable, he stepped it up.
His hand massaged the back of my neck as he pulled me closer to keep the synchronicity alive.
His touch was so much different than Hanbins. I couldnt help but compare them. He savoured every moment as he consciously watched his choice of touch to make sure he didnt go overboard while maintaining a steady amount of pleasure. Whereas Hanbin, had an unexpected feel to his kisses. Doing what he desired and every time it made me feel electrified, as if i entered a different world from my own.
After a few minutes, we parted only a tiny bit as our foreheads rested on each other. Our breathing was heavy as we watched the cold fog leave our mouths.
My mind was going insane as i re-felt everything that just happened. I couldnt believe he kissed me. And a tiny bit of me wished it hadnt stopped so fast.
Junhoe's hand slowly slid off my neck and rested on his lap as his other hand kept hold of my hand.
"we should probably head back uh?" he said shyly
I bit the bottom of my lip as he spoke. Still feeling his presence on them.
I opened one eye to look at the face of the man who's warm body i was beside.
Junhoe was sleeping like an angel, he looked almost too peaceful to wake up.
My arm was resting on his chest, as his arms were wrapped around my body. I tilted my head to look at his soaking shirt that was now drying on my dresser. I rested my head comfortably on his side, feeling the soft skin he was blessed with.
He had noticed something off about me last night and kept refusing to leave my side. I was in a state where i couldnt be left alone and Junhoe thought it would be best to sleep next to one another. On any other day I would have freaked out sharing a bed with a guy but last night even i was afraid to be alone and besides it’s was Junhoe...... he was too pure to do anything stupid.
I looked at my phone screen and realized we'd been sleeping for far too long. It was time to get ready for work.
"wake up sleepy head" i spoke softly as i ran my hand threw his hair
He groaned once mores and rolled over to face the other side as he hid his head under the blanket.
"junhoe get up!" i started to poke his back, to tickle him awake
"5 more minutes" he whined as he engulfed himself deeper into the sheets
"oh my gosh Junhoe! You have 5 missed calls from your mom!!!" I lied
"WAIT WHAT!" He bolted up out of bed and grabbed his phone that was resting on my night stand
"im kiddinggg" i giggled as i looked at his messy bed-head hair and his puffy, innocent, morning eyes
"ya!" he yawned, "not cool"
He put his phone down and stretched his arms before realizing he wasnt wearing a shirt. He then quickly grabbed the covers and wrapped them around his body as his face turned red from embarrassment.
"relaaaxx, your shirt should be dry now. im gunna go get ready so feel free to use my room to get dressed" I stood up, and walked over Junhoe to get off the bed
I took some clothes from my closet and went to take a shower.
We both walked into the practice room together, saying Hi to everyone we bumped in to
"look at your smile!" Jinhwan said as he waved at me
"your face is glowing too! Did something happen between you too?" Bobby teased
I looked at Junhoe who was as red as a tomato, which made me burst out laughing. Even thought all we did last night was sleep in the same bed out of necessity, it was still adorable to see how embarrassed Junhoe would get over the slightest things
My eyes darted around the room until they finally landed on Hanbin. He had his earphones in but it was clear that he had heard everything that was just said.
I put my coat away and grabbed the schedules for today. Walking over to everyone, i gave them their sheets.
As i held out the sheet for hanbin, he was hesitant in taking it. But after a few seconds of stalling he grabbed it softly and started to read it without looking at me even once.
Work was surprisngly going very smoothly today. Junhoe was making sure nothing (and i mean nothing) could affect me in a negative way. He was always there to make sure everything was alright.
It was almost time to go home. Everyone started to hand back their sheets to me as i waited at the door.
And once again, hanbin was the last.
He held his sheet infront of me to collect, but as i tugged on the side closest to me, i realized he wasnt letting go.
"do you still need it?" i asked as i looked at his expression.
Hanbin looked so warn out. His hair wasnt made, his eyes looked tired and his voice cracked as he spoke.
"will you talk to me just for a few minutes?" it sounded as if he was pleading
I turned my head to see Junhoe looking from outside the room. His eyes were focused on Hanbin.
Truthfully, i was in a good place right now. Having Junhoe by my side allowed me to feel comfortable again. I felt safe around him and i didnt want to do anything to make him feel like i didnt appreciate his care for me. I wanted to show him i was also trying to move on.
"if it's not work related then i dont have time" i stated
Hanbin's grip loosened on the paper, enough for me to take it and file it with the rest.
His eyes traveled to where ever i walked. I felt bad for being so cold, but something inside of me also ignited.
For the first time since my mother passed away, i felt my personality finally blooming.
I grabbed my coat, bowed at Hanbin letting him know i was leaving first, and left the building with Junhoe.
I was already expecting him to come, so i quickly took my apron off, placed the pancakes on the kitchen table and ran to the door.
"Junhoe!" i smiled widely as i looked up to him.
"i hope i didnt wake you up" he scratched the back of his head as he held out a bag that had a bottle of maple syrup i had asked him to get last minute.
"no not at all! Im glad you remembered the syrup" i laughed, i took the bag from him and asked him to come inside.
"look's like you've been busy uh?" he smiled as he tapped the flour on my nose
I grabbed his hand and brought him into the kitchen to present the food i'd made for us. He walked around, observing all the mess i had created and the food on the table. His warm smile and cheerful eyes brightened my mood and i was excited to share breakfast with him today.
We both sat at the table and started to eat.
"hmmmm Jen! this is amazing!" he smiled widely as his eyes shut, savouring every moment of the taste in his mouth
"it is really good isnt it?? i outdid myself didnt i?" i laughed
but Junhoe's laugh suddenly became more silent as he looked around the room once more. I assumed he was looking at how different it was since the last time he was here. I had emptied out a lot of what was in the house ever since my mom died. There was just too many memories, seeing everything only brought me more pain. So i donated a lot of the things and kept a box with the most sentimental stuff in a closet in my room.
"so.... how are you now?" his concern for me had been something that warmed my heart yet made me feel uneasy. I didnt like lying to him, he could see right though it all. So instead, i answered as vaguely as possible, knowing well enough Junhoe was too kind to pry if he noticed i didnt want to talk about something.
"it's getting better as time passes" i cut into my pancake and shoved it into my mouth so that we'd stop talking about this.
I mean, i wasnt lying. Things are getting better. Im actually talking to people now. But i'd be lying if i said i dont have times where i feel like the world is closing in on me and im being immersed into darkness. I've also been getting really bad panic attacks lately.... but i havent told anyone about those.
We finished eating our pancakes and got ready to go to work, "ready?" Junhoe asked
Junhoe and i walked into the IKON practice room to where all the guys were. I'd been coming back regularly to work with them. Everyone finally stopped giving me special attention after i begged them to act normal. But...... the only thing different from before now was Hanbin. We hadnt spoken since a month after my mother died. He wouldnt look at me nor would he speak. Our relationship was now singled down to 'yes/no' answers. If we could be apart, we would.
"JEN!!! You're coming on the interview with us!!! It will be fun! it's like a variety show type thing! They wanted us to pick a couple members of the team to be on it and we got you in!" Bobby seemed so proud of his accomplishment, he was shaking me back and forth as he gripped my shoulders. The excitement was pouring out of him, and i couldnt help but laugh.
"slow down buddy! What are you even talking about?" i managed to say after Bobby had calmed down
"cant explain, too much to do! i have to go to the stylist right now!!" he looked around to find his stylist, "JUNHOE! take Jen to the dressing room! We all need to be ready soon!" And with that final command, he ran away
Junhoe got off his phone and walked up to me, "let's go" he smiled
"go where? what's going on?" i was so confused yet no one was answering me
"it's just a simple interview with one of our sunbae's", Junhoe grabbed my hand, and guided me to the dressing room.
We moved passed a bunch of people who were rushing to each IKON member. Holding brushes, straighteners, clothing, tissues... practically everything. Junhoe tighened his grip on my hand so i wouldnt fall behind as he walked through the crowd and made it to the dressing room.
"here you go" He opend the door and walked me in, "oh... Hanbin... i didnt know you were here" Junhoe added as i walked in to see who he was looking at
Hanbin had someone fixing his tie as he buttoned up the ends of his sleeves. He looked at Junhoe, than me... and then our hands.
He was staring at our hands.
I didnt know what to do, Junhoe's grip didnt seem to loosen either.
"it's fine. im about to leave" Hanbin spoke coldly as he took the tie from the stylist and started to tie it himself before he walked out of the room, completely ignoring my presence.
As he walked out, Junhoe looked back at him. His hand loosened once he was gone "alright well i guess i'll leave you to get ready"
I wore my outfit after my makeup was done. It felt weird to get all dressed up once again, after so long.
I bowed and said thank you to all the stylists when the manager of IKON came in and told me to get into the car where everyone was waiting.
"jen! i think you're in this car with me!" Junhoe pulled me to the right direction and opened the car door for me
I got in and sat down, the seating arrangements were different for this car. There were seats on either sides, leaving the middle completely open. Once you sat down, you'd be facing someone sitting on the seat on the other side of the car.
I had my head ducked down while entering to avoid getting my hair messed so i didnt get the chance to actually see who the other passengers of the car were. As i walked into my seats, i did notice 2 pairs of feet, one was obviously a girls and the others belonged to a guy.
I looked up to match the shoes to faces and to my surprise it was LeeHi..... and hanbin. The sudden awkward environment made me feel uncomfortable so i began to scroll through my phone to avoid the obvious staring from hanbin and the curious look from LeeHi.
Junhoe came in soon after and locked the door, taking a seat beside me.
"oh Lee Hi! It's been a while, it's nice to see you!" Junhoe said cheerfully as he bowed his head to say hello
"Yeaa! It's been forever! i blame it all on hanbin! He never has time for me any more! I guess i got lucky when they told me i was a part of this interview as well!" She wrapped her hands around his arm as she spoke.
I decided to not look at the contact anymore because it secretly made me feel somewhat upset.
"you're Jen... right?" She asked me out of the blue
I looked up, startled that the attention was on me now, "oh yea..." i said as she looked me up and down with a confused yet intrigued expression.
"your mom just passed right? i'm sorry for your loss."
"oh..yea... thanks" I awkwardly answered while I looked at Hanbin, who was completely in his own world. Ignoring everyone... and me, as he scrolled through his phone.
Once the car started, i realized that LeeHi seemed to be really close to Hanbin. They would laugh and joke about things they'd find funny on their phones and share it with one another. Her arm was locked around Hanbin's throughout the ride and he didnt seem to mind either.
When we used to talk... hanbin did tell me about her. Apparently they've been close since his trainee days.... i just didnt know they were this close.
After about 30 minutes of awkwardly ignoring everyone, we heard the manager calling us
"alright guys we're here, come on out" he said as he opened our doors
Junhoe got up from his seat and left first. He held out his hand to help me out as well.
"thanks" i smiled, "i think i might die in these heels" i joked as i looked back to see Hanbin helping LeeHi out of the car as well.
Junhoe laughed and put his arm around my shoulders, "let's go inside then! dont want you dying on me" We walked farther and farther away from Hanbin and Leehi, who seemed to be taking their sweet old time at the car, taking selfies and joking around.
I didnt know why i was feeling this way, but i felt sick to my stomach every time i looked at them.
We met up with Bobby and Jinhwan who were already in the room getting miked.
"why is everyone taking so long? Jinhwan asked
As soon as he spoke everyone else seemed to enter as well..... except for hanbin and Leehi (ofcourse).
As i got miked, i tried my best not to pay attention to the ones not here.
"you ok?" Junhoe leaned over to look at my face as he patted my hand
"yea ofcourse, why wouldnt i be" i said as i moved my hand away from his and started to fix my hair as an excuse to stop the contact between us
"you look all gloomy" he stated
"im not" i smiled back to reassure him..... but something really was bugging me inside
"there they aree!!" Bobby smiled at Hanbin as he walked in, "oh! you were with leehi?? what have you two been up to" Bobby smirked as he joked around with them, while the rest of the guys laughed
"ya! quit it bobby!" LeeHi ordered as she sat down beside Hanbin who still hadnt said a word this whole trip to anyone but Leehi.
"alright guys! we want you all to participate in the tissue game! So we will split you into 3 groups and start asap!" said an overly excited host
I was put in a group with Junhoe and Chanwoo. Bobby, Hanbin and Lee hi were in a group and Jinhwan, Dongyhuk and Yunhyeong were in a group as well.
The workers placed us all in order, each team side by side.
I was placed first in our team, second was Junhoe and last was Chanwoo.
Hanbin was standing next to me as he was first in his team, Lee Hi was second and Bobby last.
Jinhwan was first in his team, then Yunhyeong and last Dongyhuk.
It was awkward to stand so close to Hanbin and even more awkward that we were ignoring each other like no tomorrow.
"alright guys, on the count of three i want you all to start! 1.....2.....3!!"
I quickly grabbed the first tissue, sucking air into my mouth to hold the tissue on my lips without it falling. I quickly turned around and went on my tippy toes to reach Junhoe's mouth and placed it perfectly on his lips. He then did the same and passed it to Chanwoo who put it in the plate he was holding.
"WOW! Team A is on a role! Jen's working as a perfect leader to get her team to win!" Said the commentator who was hosting the show
I was moving fast and smoothly, i got so caught up in the game that i didnt realize how the other teams were doing. Until i heard the commentator....
"OH! HANBIN AND LEEHI! Their lips have made contact everyone!" he screamed while everyone either gasped or laughed
I turned my head and saw Leehi blushing as she placed her hands on her cheeks to hide her red face. Hanbin was also smiling as he apologized to Leehi for the contact while Bobby yelled at both of them to hurry up and keep the game going.
"Jen! Come on! We can win this!" Junhoe snapped me out of my thoughts. I quickly moved my gaze away from the other team and went back to lifting the tissues.
they basically kissed.
"Annnd!!! STOP! Game is over!! Everyone count your tissues please!!" the commentator was much more excited than any of us as we patiently waited for the results.
"we got 13!!" said Chanwoo proudly as he held up the tissues
"we only got 9" pouted Bobby
"we got 12!" said Dongyhuk
"well then it's official!! The winner is Team A! Congratulations! We will treat you to a meal full of chicken and beef!!!"
Chanwoo screamed out of happiness as he hugged both Junhoe and I in a tight bear hug. Once he finally let us go, Junhoe turned toward me and held out his hands waiting for me to high-five them back.
"congratulations on our win... leader" he joked
I smiled, "thanks"
We all sat back down and answered the remaining questions in the interview.
My eyes kept darting toward LeeHi, who was secretly hiding her hand on hanbin's knee under the table.
There was clearly something going on.
And it took everything inside of me to ignore it and focus on the interview at hand.
_______________________________
As the interview ended, everyone got up to leave. The manager asked me to stay behind and help pick things up. I agreed and told Junhoe to go on without me as i worked.
It was now silent in the room. Empty water bottles and crumpled up paper were everywhere.
Something about the silence was peaceful, i finally felt comfortable. I sat on one of the chairs and closed my eyes to take in these few minutes of blessed silence.
"i was told to help you"
I opened my eyes as i heard his dry voice
"oh...y-you dont have to" i bolted up from my seat and started to clean once more as Hanbin hovered over me.
This was the first time we had spoken in ages and i felt so uncomfortable being alone with him that i couldnt even look him in the eye.
"it will get done faster if we do it together" he said as he got on his knees to pick up the trash as well.
We worked in silence. Not looking at each other. Not talking. Not doing anything that would cause us to come in contact. I worked on my side of the room as he worked on his. After about 15 minutes, LeeHi came running in.
"hanbin!! There you are!! We've been looking all over for you! Gosh get off the ground! You're an idol!!! Why are you picking up trash!" She seemed so disgusted by the sight of Hanbin working like this
She looked over at me next and focused her eyes on my face... something suddenly changed in her expression as she became all cheery and lovable once again. As if that 'disgusted' image of her's just disappeared from existence.
"oh Jen! you're here too uh? I would have helped too if Hanbin had told me he was coming to help you"
coming to help me? i thought he was asked to do this
"im not doing this out of choice" he cleared as he got up from where he was kneeling and threw the remainder of the trash away.
"oh silly! Always wanting to help the less fortunate uh! you're such a good person hanbin!" LeeHi cheered as she once again, wrapped her arms around Hanbin's.
I got up from where i was sitting, and wiped the dust off my face with the back of my hand. "you two should go. ill finish up here" I wasnt in the mood to see them act all lovey in front of me
"you sure? alright! Well we'll be going then. Let's go Hanbin" She turned around, pulling Hanbin with her. But as she walked out, she stopped at the door one last time to say something to me.
"hey Jen. We're actually going to lunch tomorrow. You should come. Bring Junhoe"
Description & Previous Chapters
A month has passed.
I'm out of food.
I need to go out.
I slipped into my shoes and grabbed a hoodie to cover my head as i cautiously left my house. It was still pretty early in the morning so i wasnt too worried about bumping into anyone.
I hadnt gone to school nor work in ages now, I was behind on so many things. But i've realized now that i cant hide from the world much longer. After all, i still need to pay for the hospital bills, and the rent, and food and practically everything.
I had to support myself now.
Which meant going back to work.
The plan for today was to grab a quick breakfast at the local corner store and head over to YG entertainment to resume my daily schedule. I had no desire to speak to anyone or to see anyone, so it was best if i went unannounced.
Hopefully this way i'd be able to avoid him.
I paid for the food with the last remaining change in my pocket and walked my way over to work.
Since it was only 6am, the halls of the building were empty. This gave hope to my plan of not being seen.
I quickly grabbed the schedule for IKON from the room next to the practice room to see all the duties that needed to be completed today.
Perfect.
All the tasks listed for today could be done without having to see the guys.
I quickly checked my name off to let the manager know i was in today and i grabbed the files and headed into the practice room.
A couple familiar faces noticed me in the halls as i walked, i kept my head down so i wouldnt have to talk to any of them
I made my way directly to the practice room and opened the door to escape from the eyes in the hallway (that were now staring at me).
"Jen..."
I looked up to the sound of my name........
"....h-hanbin...." My gaze met his.
His voice sounded as if he had just woken up, his eyes looked tired and his hair was untamed. He was wearing that hoodie he always wore when he was too exhausted to wear anything else. His overall appearance just looked tired.
"h-how are you? how have you been? i tried callin-"
"im fine" I suddenly felt a rush of uncomfortable anxiety flood my body. I moved aside to grab the things i needed from the room before i made my way out.
"you dont have to go. I'll go. Just work in here" He started to pick up all the sheets he had scattered on the ground and pack up his laptop
"no, i just need to grab something. im not planning on staying" I couldnt look at his face. I could tell he wasnt sleeping well. He was fumbling to much, making too many mistakes with his presence. He was always one to be confident.... and what i was seeing right now was the complete opposite. Maybe he was affected by her death just as much as i was
The shuffling of papers suddenly stopped. I turned his way to see him kneeling on the ground, looking aimlessly at what seemed to be lyric sheets.
".....im sorry....."
his words felt like knives cutting into my skin
"there is nothing for you to be sorry about" I looked through the notebooks to find the sheets i was trying to look for as quickly as i could.
"....if i didnt keep you back.....you....you could have been with her.....it's all my fault...."
I kept my back facing him as i silently listened to his painful words. I could feel a lump forming in my throat.... this was exactly what i was trying to avoid.
"..i-i'm so sorry..." I heard sobs
I turned around to see him in the same position, but his body looked broken. His shoulders shrugged as he tightened the grip in his hands to form fists. His eyes were filled with tears now. And the lyrics sheets now had tear drop marks on them as well.
Seeing him.... almost reminded me of.... me.
He looked up as he noticed my gaze. Our eyes locked for a minute before he got up from his spot to face me directly.
His painful look, almost brought me back to my period of pain. But no matter how bothered i was by his words, i kept my face cold and dry. I was in no mood to share my feelings with anyone.
"im not asking you to forgive me..... just please.... if you need anything. Ask me"
Something inside of me felt like a match had ignited.
"If you can bring her back..... or bring the time back that i missed spending with her....." I instantly regretted my harsh words as i saw the new type of pain flooding Hanbin's face.
I was angry... and i took it out on him.
The door opened once more and we both turned our heads to the entrance.
Bobby, Chanwoo, Jinhwan, Junhoe all stood frozen as they noticed me. The playful conversation they had ended. Their mouths were partially open. Their faces looked as if they'd seen a ghost.
I couldnt take it.
I grabbed all the notebooks from the pile i was looking through and bolted out of the room.
Description & Previous Chapters
My room was dark and empty. I hadnt left my house in about 2 weeks. The burial was possibly the last place i made an social contact with anyone, but even there i kept to myself.
I had no desire to speak to anyone or to see anyone.
My mother was gone.
There was no one left worth to see.
~sometimes holding on....does more damage.....than letting go~~
I pulled the covers off of me and forced myself to eat something. I hadnt touched food for several days. I seemed to have lost my appetite for almost everything.
I dragged my feet across the floor as i slowly made my way to the kitchen. Slightly looking at my surroundings to see the house completely misplaced since that day. Things were scattered around the ground and the funeral flowers were dying on my table. I looked over to the main entrance, i had shut the door closed and locked it completely to make sure no one dared come into my house.
I was in no mood to talk.... about anything.... my feelings..... my future..... my mom...... nothing
I opened the kitchen tap, to get myself a glass of water. As i sipped on the liquid i noticed my phone blinking underneath the several letters of remorse i had collected from the funeral.
Dragging my feet slowly, i moved myself closer to my phone. I was avoiding it since i knew people would be sending me messages about what happened.
The typical 'im so sorry for your loss' and 'if you need anything please ask' were things i knew i'd see much more of now.
how pathetic
I never really understood what the point was of sending such soulless messages. It was no secret these words were just words. No one really cared for one another unless it benefited them in some way.
It truly is pathetic
As i scrolled through my phone, i realized i had received several missed call and text messages from the members of IKON. I scrolled through the names, as i read a tiny bit of each message they had sent. My thumb stopped scrolling as i noticed Junhoe and Hanbin had both called me several times, and left a bit too many text messages as well.
I hesitated at first, not wanting to click on either of the messages. But something inside me, pulled me towards his message. I found myself clicking his name without thinking twice about what i was doing. Out of all the messages i had received, his was the only one that caught my eye.
[ Jen I cant imagine what you're going through right now. It's breaking my heart to know you're going through this alone. Please, im begging you. Dont do this to yourself. Let someone in. Either it be me or someone else.... just dont do this alone. I'm always here for you. Always. So please, call me back. Or message me.... anything. I just need to know you're alright. It doesnt matter what time of day it is, im always here for you. ~Junhoe ]
I held back tears as i read his message.
If only i had the courage to see someone again. I wasnt ready to go back to 'normal' life. I wasnt ready to see anyone. I wasnt ready to accept reality.
Before i placed my phone down again, i skimmed over the message Hanbin had sent.
[ Im sorry Jen. Im so sorry for not being there for you and your mom. And for keeping you away from--- ]
I didnt bother opening it to read the rest.
Anger fled through me as i read the tiny bit i could without fully opening the text. I felt a lump in my throat as my vision started to get blurry from the tears filling up in my eyes.
He had no right to talk about my mom.
If it wasnt for him..... i may have been there for her. I may have been with her..... She could have been fine. She could have been here today. I would have been with her.
I could have at least said goodbye.
A teardrop fell on my screen, highlighting Hanbin's name. Anger rushed through me.
If I didnt spend so much time with him. If i didnt waste time arguing.
Thoughts were flooding my mind, and i was suffocating in my own dark world.
I clenched my phone and started to sob.
"mom....." i cried
My phone started to buzz, the blank screen now lit up.
Phone call from: Hanbin
Anger rushed through me as i read his name. I gripped my phone and threw it across the room as it split into two once it hit the wall across from me.
A/N:
Took a new turn to this story.
I apologize in advance if this isnt your 'cup of tea'
D:
Happy reading though <3
Previous Chapters & Description
---we argued----
----we fought-----
---things went bad real quick----
----things changed-----
---we were never the same again----
---love is like glass----
---shattered glass----
"why are you always like this?!?"
"stop pinning all your faults on me!"
"i cant take this, im going"
"no one's asking you to stay"
"just stay for one night?"
"ill even talk to your mom tomorrow, im sure she wont mind"
"no hanbin, i should be with her tonight. it's been a while since ive gotten to see her"
"just one night? We need to figure out...us"
".......alright"
Those words were pounding my head as i sat outside of my mother's room, unable to feel my limbs or the floor under me. I was broken. I was torn apart.
I was nothing.
At 7:54am on January 16 of 2016..... i had lost the one person who meant the most to me. My mother.
Nurses rushed around me, stepping over me as if i didnt exist. Rushing inside the room to help the lifeless body now resting in the bed. Doctors screamed for machines and tools..... all for nothing.... i knew it was the end.... she was gone.
If only i had come sooner.
if only i spent more time with her.
if only i hadnt met hanbin.
The cancer spread too fast too soon. I knew she wasnt doing well, but i never thought things would end up like this. She was a fighter. A warrior. It was never meant to end like this.
"hey sweetie? Are you alright?"
Am i alright? Funny how someone can ask such an idiotic question at a time like this
"come, you dont need to see this. You havent slept since you came here, let me take you to the waiting room to grab something to drink"
"im fine" i lied
She understood what that meant and left me alone. So many people were around me, hovering into the room to help the doctors or waiting to empty the room. All these people....... yet i had never felt so alone in my whole entire life.
I slowly got up from where i was sitting to look back into the room.
She was still there. Her eyes closed. Her body weak. Her hands looking as fragile as ever.
"....mom...." I silently shivered as i heard the word come out of my mouth..... i realized then that i could only use it in past tense now....... and that destroyed me
"jen....."
I heard my name....but i had no desire to see who was calling for me. The only person who i wished would say my name once more was gone. I didnt care about anyone anymore.
"Jen.." I felt a hand hold mine
I suddenly flinched out of their grip as i kept my eyes focused on my mother
"go away" i said coldly
"she's been here all morning. She hasnt eaten and im afraid she might get sick if she stays here longer. Im sorry i called you, but please help her"
"jen come on, let's go. There is nothing you can do now"
Those words stung more than anything. Having someone else say it, made it all too real and i could feel my heart being ripped apart.
"mom...." I felt the tears rush into my eyes and flood my face.
Someone was pulled me away from the door. I was numb so i couldnt feel being pulled away. The only thing that got me to realize it, was because i was slowly losing sight of my mom.
"no....no...no...no...NO!" i screamed, pulling my hand away and running back to the room.
I pushed my way through the nurses and doctors and stood beside her lifeless body.
"mom.... it's going to be ok. I'm here alright? You just need to fight a little longer. I promise i wont worry you. Ill do so well at school. Ill make sure the house is clean. Ill take care of everything. Just please.... mom.... wake up ok?" I was choking on my own words as i spoke. My face heated up with sadness and anger and i couldnt help but cry. "mom please, im not ready to be alone. im scared..... who will i talk to now? Mom please dont go".....tears and sobs filled my silence, "i cant lose my bestfriend" i painfully whispered to myself
"jen please. Let's go"
I needed for everyone to leave. These extra voices in my head were hurting me more than i could handle. I wanted to just be alone. I needed to be alone.
Someone tugged me back away from the bed, my sight of my mother got smaller and smaller as i moved farther away.
"no please... let me go..... LET ME GO!" I screamed as i resisted the tug and tried my hardest to go back to my mom
The doctors were covering her face with a white sheet now, and i hated them all for it.
"MOM! NO! MOM! PLEASE WAKE UP! IM NOTHING WITHOUT YOU! MOM! MOM!!!!!!" my screams echoed the room as the nurses looked at me and my mother with tears filling their eyes. The doctors had their signature 'im sorry for your loss' expressions plastered on their faces, one that i've seen way too many times in this shit hospital.
"LET ME GO!!!!" i yelled once more as i looked toward the body pulling me away and refusing to leave me alone
hanbin.
why.
him.
"HANBIN LET ME GO! SHE'S JUST TIRED! I HAVE TO BE THERE WHEN SHE WAKES UP! SHE'LL NEED ME!" I screamed as i tried to pull away from him.
His eyes were red and full of tears as his face looked at me exhausted and torn apart. Looking at him only made me feel worse about everything.
I couldnt help but yell and pound on his chest. I didnt want to be close to him and i needed to be by my mom's side.
"hanbin please let me go" i begged through my sobs
"you need to sleep Jen, let me take over for now" Bobby placed his hand on my shoulder as i replaced the old towel on Hanbin's forehead with a new one.
"no it's fine, im not tired" i lied
Bobby sighed and left once more.
It was 1:56am now, he'd been checking up on me every 30minutes to make sure i was ok and so was Hanbin. I had told him i wasnt tired but truth is i'm exhausted. My back aches from the position ive been sitting in, my eyes are red and sore for constantly staying alert to tend to Hanbin, and my hands are tired of frequently massaging Hanbin's arms and changing the towel on his forehead.
But my fatigue was nothing compared to Hanbins, and every time i dared to look at his face, it'd bring tears to my eyes.
As i placed the new towel on his forehead, i whiped the sweat off his neck and face. His fever was still so high and he was breathing heavily. I made sure to give him several blankets to keep him warm enough as i also placed a couple heat pads under him to keep him from shivering.
"you're such an idiot" i whispered as i held his limp hand.
Bobby's words kept replaying in my mind as i sat beside Hanbin. To think hanbin knew how bad his condition was yet he still came to help me, made my heart ache even more. That is why i needed to be the only one to take care of him right now, i had to repay the debt i had collected.
At around 2:37am, Hanbin's fever finally went down. His heartbeat and breathing also slowed down to normal rate and it looked like the constant care i was giving him was finally having an affect. My tense body finally let go as i closed my eyes and absorbed myself into the dark room around me.
After a few minutes of complete silence and absolutely no movements, I got up from my spot carefully (making sure not to wake up hanbin), and headed to the kitchen quietly to get a drink of water.
"is he doing better?" I heard Junhoe's voice as i sipped on my water
"yea... his fever's going down thankfully" i managed to say through my weak voice
"and how are you?" Junhoe walked closer to examine my state. "hey.... it's alright to let it all out Jen...... it must have been scary for you"
Junhoe could see right through my "strong-girl" act. He approached me and pulled me into a comforting hug. As our bodies contacted one another, all the stress and worries i was holding back escaped. I silently cried as i gripped on to Junhoe, hoping this sense of 'reassurance' wouldnt disappear. If Junhoe wasnt here right now, id probably be engulfed in my own dark thoughts... truth is, i was scared... i was tired, frightened and alone. And i didnt want to be by myself right now. Junhoe's arms felt like a safe haven as i held on to him for quite some time.
I sniffed and whiped my tears as i parted away from him. I could feel my face burning from all the crying and i was too embarrassed to look up to Junhoe.
"you're alright ok? dont get too worked up all on your own. If you need someone, you know where to find me" He ruffled up my hair before he grabbed a bottle of water and walked back into his room.
I could tell he knew i was uneasy about him seeing my face right now, which is probably why he made his exit fast and smooth. Little things like this are what made me admire our friendship so much. He knew exactly what to do in every situation we ever came across.
I walked back into hanbin's room and rested by his bed. I kept yawning from all the exhaustion i felt from today. Sleep was finally catching up to me. I tried my best to stay up, but my eyes kept shutting and soon I was sound asleep by Hanbin's side.
"ya! what are you doing here?" The voice was weak and fragile, but it still held some characteristics of Hanbin's morning voice. As soon as i connected the dots, i darted my head up to see how he was doing.
"are you alright? do you need something? should i change the towel? do you want anything to drink? how's your fever? Is there any--"
"woahhh slow downnn" Hanbin slowly moved his head around to see everything around him. He then slowly found the energy to sit up in his bed and stretch a little.
"how do you feel?" i asked again as i reached out to place my hand on his forehead
He let out a light laugh before grabbing my hand away from his forehead and keeping hold of it. "im fine Jen" He gave me one of his morning smiles where he closes his eyes and pressed his lips together to form a very long, meaningful smile indeed.
But i could tell by his voice he was still weak, and it was obvious by his slow movements he hadnt recovered completely.
"let me go get you some soup to drink" i tried to get up and leave to get him some food but he wouldnt let go of my hand
My back was facing him now as he spoke, "were you with me all night?" he asked softly
I could feel the lump in my throat, and my eyes started to burn once more.
"jen?... will you answer me?" His voice was so soft and calming i almost wanted to let go of all my strength and collapse.
I sniffed as i tried to hold back tears. i nodded my head to answer his question, because speaking would only cause me to start crying.
"aww come heree" he pulled me towards him with the last bit of energy he had.
As soon as his arms wrapped around me, i could feel the tears falling down my cheeks. I lightly hit his chest out of anger for his actions yesterday.
"you're...such and idiot.... hanbin" i managed to say after every whimper, "you shouldnt have come if you were so sick"
my sobs became more heavy as my body relaxed in Hanbin's arms. He didnt say anything as he comforted me, letting me let out the last bit of stress and pain that i had contained in my body.
After a few minutes of just pure sobbing, he finally spoke, "gosh i really worried you didnt I?"
He lifted my face with his hands to get a better look at me. I tried to turn away so he wouldnt see how hideous i looked after i had just cried but he kept his focus on my eyes. He then wiped the remaining tears off my face and gave me a light kiss on the forehead before embracing me in a hug again.
"im sorry" He spoke while rubbing my back with his hand, "i wont do anything that hurts you like this in the future, i promise you that" He rested his face on me as he spoke.
"just dont cry Jen........i cant stand seeing you cry............ it hurts too much" his words were faint and weak but had all the power to make me feel warm and comfortable
I finally unlocked from him to give him my full attention once more, "dont get sick and take care of yourself you idiot, this way you wont have to see me like this" i lightly flicked his forehead to brighten up the mood
"owww!! you'd really hurt a sick patient wouldnt you?" he whined as he held his forehead and pouted like a baby
His reaction made me giggle only because i knew he was actually getting back to his old self
"let me go get you some soup" i smiled as i got out of bed
"hey Jen, i think there's this other medicine that would reaaaalllyyyy help with my fever" he scratched the back of his head as he hesitated to ask for what he needed
"yea what is it?" i quickly came back to take a note of the medicine he was referring to on my phone so i could buy it later today
".....a kiss?"
"Hanbin! you've literally been better for like an hour and you're already back to your idiotic self!" i threw my phone back on the bed as i walked out of his room
"just one kiss!!!!!!!!" i could hear him yelling from his room as i was in the kitchen getting his meal ready
Bobby was in the living room watching some TV when he heard Hanbin's voice. he let out a laugh and a sigh of relief, "i guess hanbin's back to normal uh?"
Even i was too tired to listen to whoever was telling us to wake up. So yea, 5 more minutes please
"mama, Oppa and unnie look like you and dadda!"
I heard Hanbyul's adorable squeaky voice once more, But it was heard from far away....uhmmm that's odd..... wasnt she sleeping right next to me?
Wait....... Then who was holding on to me? WHO WAS I HOLDING ON TO!?!?!?
I quickly opened my eyes to see Hanbin's arm around me as i laid on his side with my arms resting on him and my hand holding on to his shirt.
I bolted up out of shock and embarrassment (accidentally pushing Hanbin off the bed) as Hanbyul pointed at us and Mrs Kim laughed.
"im sorry Mrs Kim, we were all sleeping here at night. Hanbyul was sleeping inbetwe-" i started to explain when Hanbin's whine interrupted me
"yahhh! what was that for" He was still half asleep as he sat up on the floor and looked around to see what was going on
He connected the dots pretty fast as he saw his mother and sister at the door and looked at me and the place he fell from. He started to explain the situation as i had started earlier, but it seemed like nothing was getting Mrs Kim to forget this happened.
She laughed and joked about how we looked like a real couple and even showed us pictures of us sleeping together. hanbin and I were red from embarrassment and bowed down several times to apologize for our mistake.
"it's okayy dw i know you both wouldnt do this intentionally, just be more careful next time.... now stop apologizing and come down for breakfast!" She said as she picked up hanbyul and started to walk downstairs. hanbyul kept waving at us as she went down with her mom.
I rubbed my eyes and stretched before getting out of bed. I looked back at the bed Hanbin and i slept in and shivered.
"what?" hanbin raised his eyebrow as he let out a big yawn
"nothing" i wasnt going to talk about what just happened.... especially with Hanbin.
I went to the washroom to go wash my face and fix up my hair where i realized i looked like a total mess. Hanbin then entered as well and started to brush his teeth.
".......do you not see me in here?" i stated, asking for some privacy
He leaned down to face me, with his toothbrush in his mouth, his bed-head hair flying in all directions and his 'i just woke up' morning voice, "yea... i see you"
"leaaaveee!!!" i whined as i pushed him out of the washroom and locked the door. You could here him whining as i took my time to get myself ready. I really felt like i was dealing with someone younger than Hanbyul right now, i guess hanbin isnt much of a morning person.
We both argued as we walked down the stairs to sit at the table with Mrs kim and hanbyul.
"who even takes that long to get ready????? you look the same anyway" Hanbin yelled as he pushed me to the side
"you wouldnt know hanbin, since you always look terrible!" i yelled back as i pushed him in return
"mama why are they fighting?" Hanbyul seemed startled by our conversation and almost became teary eyed
"guys! You're scaring Hanbyul, just come and eat in peace please" Mrs. Kim said in a stern voice
Hanbin and I finally stopped arguing as we sat opposite each other at the dinner table. Our feet occasionally rubbed against one another and every time it did we'd give each other death stares. There was no way we'd let the fight go this easily.
"gosh you two really do argue like a married couple!" laughed Mrs Kim as she took another bite of the waffles she had so generously made for us
We froze as we heard the words "married couple" and looked at Mrs Kim
"no we dont!" we yelled together
I looked at hanbin once more as he looked back at me. "ok stop, we need to behave" i realized it was time to sign a peace treaty
After we finished eating, Hanbin went to go clean the dishes as i cleaned the table. Hanbyul was with me, I helped her reach the middle of the table with her cloth as we cleaned together.
Mrs Kim walked in on Hanbin cleaning, "hanbin, go to the convenience centre to buy some milk please"
After he finished cleaning, he put his jacket on to go, "wanna come Jen?" he asked me as i finished cleaning the dining table
"actually, i think Jen, Hanbyul and i will have some 'girl' time" Mrs Kim replied before i could
girl time? oh man.... i knew where this was headed and id rather go get milk with hanbin (and that's saying something)
Hanbin gave his mother a confused look and then looked at my panicked face and realized what she meant. he started to make excuses to get me out of it, but Mrs Kim wouldnt budge from her idea and hanbin was asked to leave. Now it was just us three girls in the house.
"come sit down Jen!" she said as she sat on the couch herself
"oh gosh, relax! i can see your anxiety from across the room!" she joked as she patted my back once i sat beside her
Hanbyul then ran over and climbed on top of Mrs Kim's lap while playing with one of her dolls.
"i know you already know what im going to be asking right?"
"i think i have a pretty good idea" i awkwardly replied
"okay great! let's get straight into it!" she seemed way too excited for this and it freaked me out even more
"so you and hanbin definitely have feelings for one another. i mean it's practically written on your faces!" she laughed, "how long have you been together for?"
I felt my palms start to sweat as i tried to think of the most intelligent answer to her question, "well ive been working for YG for a while now, i met him and the other IKON guys a while ago.... but Hanbin and i only started seeing each other (i couldnt get myself to say date*) for a couple months now"
Without even reacting to my answer she asked another question, "how far have you gone with him? You know he's trying to become an idol right? I dont want you two to do anything that will ruin his image and yours"
i felt my face turn red as my nerves were going to war inside of me.... "mrs kim, we really havent done anything..." i couldnt find the courage to properly answer her question. But i think my embarrassed face said enough
"i just want you two to understand being together also brings up a lot of responsibility. And you two are young, you have your whole lives to worry about such things so i guess what im trying to say is take it slow. Make sure you both really love each other before you do anything you may regret later on" Her words were firm and powerful. I completely understood where she was coming from, she only wanted the best for Hanbin, and so did i. I let her know that she had nothing to worry about and i joked that hanbin and i argue too much to ever do anything stupid.
The rest of the conversation was just her telling me stories of Hanbin as a kid and sharing old baby photo's of him.
"mama that's me!" hanbyul smiled as she pointed at a pic of Hanbin as a baby
"no hanbyul, that's your brother!" Mrs kim laughed as Hanbyul kept pointing at more baby pics claiming it was her
After about 30minutes Hanbin came back from the store with the milk his mother asked for. Mrs Kim took hanbyul to the kitchen as she took the milk from hanbin. He then sat on the couch beside me and started to ask questions about what his mother said to me
'nothing" i replied, only because it was fun annoying him when he really wanted to know something
He frowned at me and leaned in closer so his whispers wouldnt reach his mom, "she wasnt too harsh right?"
He seemed worried for me and it made me smile, "relax, she was only looking out for you. She wasnt harsh at all" i reassured him.
"ok cool" my answer satisfied him as he relaxed on the sofa, "we should probably get going now. We both have work tomorrow"
"oh yea! i totally forgot. im ready to go whenever you are" i said
Hanbin got up from his seat and went to the kitchen to let his mom know he'd be going now.
"you sure you cant stay another night?" she seemed upset
"no mom, ill come back to visit soon again" he replied as he picked Hanbyul up off the ground
"alright then, make sure to bring Jen as well!"
I smiled to let her know id come as soon as i got the invitation! We both then grabbed our things and said our goodbyes.
"bye hanbyulllllll!!!! ill miss you!!!" i gave her a big hug as we said our goodbyes
"bye unnie!! bye oppa!" she waved as she ran back to her mom who picked her up
I bowed down to show my respect to Mrs kim as i said my goodbyes, after that we got into our car and drove back home.
_____________________________________
Hanbin parked right outside my house and we just listened to a couple songs on the radio before i decided it was time i got out of the car
"your mom really cares for you Hanbin" i said in a quiet/reassuring voice
He took my hand from my lap and warmed it up with his hands, "and i really care for you" He blew on my hand so that it would get warmer faster
i smiled as i watched his hands move in small circles around my own, but then i remembered Mrs kim telling us to take it slow and i quickly snapped out of it and moved my hand away
"uh? you ok? did i hurt you?" Hanbin seemed concerned and confused while he looked at my hand to make sure he didnt do anything to it
"no it's not that... im just respecting your mother's wish" i answered
"Oh God... IS THAT WHAT YOU TWO WERE TALKING ABOUT?!?" he finally put the pieces together as i felt my cheeks get warmer
"you know how unfair this is? first off you dont even let me touch you and now my mom is making rules too!??!?! i didnt even get a new years kiss you know that??" he started to whine, "when will you women realize i am a man" added some fake crying to make the whole scene more dramatic than it needed to be, "i have needs too you know" He closed his eyes and looked to the roof of the car
His whole sarcastic acting made me laugh, "oh gosh Hanbin, you're really out-doing yourself today" i laughed some more as i unlocked the door to leave
But as soon as i unlocked it, Hanbin once again locked it from his side, "you're not leaving that easily Ms Jen...... i DESERVE a kiss..... just one..... the only thing you ever give me is high blood pressure from all the arguments, trust me, this wont be "disobeying" my mom's rules. Plus ill talk to her about making the rules a bit lenient!!!!!'" He started to beg like a little child who wanted to eat dessert before dinner
Without hesitation, he took his seat belt off and started to lean closer to me
"ew Hanbin NO! LOL Get away from me" i couldnt contain my laughter as his eager expression made the whole scene way too funny
He was practically leaning on me with one of his hands on my face trying to get close enough for a kiss, "HANBIN!! LOL GET AWAY FROM ME ! anyone outside will think you're some next messed up pedo!"
"i dont care!!! just one kiss! you dont even have to do anything! just lemme kiss you!!!"
I was laughing so much now that my stomach started to hurt. If Hanbin came any closer i might have died from some laugh attack.
"ok ok ok!!!! fineee! just move aside and let me catch my breath!" i finally agreed as he moved back, waiting patiently for me to get ready
"one kiss" i ordered, making sure he didnt go overboard
"one kiss." he agreed
I took my seatbelt off to get more comfortable as i turned to the side to face him directly. Hanbin then leaned in once more as he slowly tilted his head and closed his eyes for the kiss he was eager for. I followed his steps, closing my eyes as well and held on to the side of his face for better control. Without hesitation our lips locked and we had our very soft, slow, long kiss.
I began to giggle after a couple seconds of contact since Hanbin wasnt planning on moving from his position any time soon. Still keeping my eyes closed i parted half a centimetre away and asked "how long do you plan to keep this kiss going?"
"just another minute" he begged as he put his hand around the back of my neck to pull me in once more so our "one kiss" continued
As much as i loved his mother and wanted to respect her decision, i couldnt resist how adorable Hanbin was when he wanted something. I couldnt say no to his demands.
