The scenery was the most pleasant in the morning, sounds of the birds singing, and warmth heat from the sun embrace another morning. My foot seems like has their own mind and they automatically walk to that place. It is still the same old memories. Time passed by but seems like a seconds ago. Still want to stay, I pick up all the dried leaves scattered along the whole place and felt completely alone. Only few people were here as it is not yet time to come. The wind blew that send shivers down my skin as if it whispers: it’s okay, we are fine. At that exact moment I cried a river, my hands are shaking so violently as if everything happened only yesterday but when I finally managed it, it felt surreal, I felt the love, the longing for a care of somebody who would tell me it’s okay. It’s very comforting even if it is only in my mind.
I took my time, lay down and fall into a deep sleep. Desperately wanted to be in the past I dreamt of them, pictures scuttled in my mind but could only be for the meantime. When reality hits, I pulled myself up and got a last glance at my parent graveyard, yes I lost them for life.
They took them away from me unprepared, too soon that I was not able to understand and accept it. Years had passed still a coward for not facing the reality. I run away from it. Still beating myself up and blamed uncertainties for their death, for not having decent edibles on the table and for not being a good daughter that they could.
Decided to run away from my dark hole, I went to another side of the country and chose to continue my study. My life goes in a rugged way, sleepless nights, numerous side jobs to sustain my studies. Until I earned my degree and put up own business. Definitely everything won’t go according to your likings, there was a time that I almost lost it. But still I hold unto my inspiration in heaven. I prayed and prayed until I feel it is okay. My business is doing well and I have met a man. He was an American and way back then he was still wearing his military uniform looking good and manly approached me and everything goes smooth and lovely. We were given a beautiful daughter that looks exactly like his father. By this time, I totally understand why my parents are very strict towards me. I really do. I am now starting to leave a peaceful life and accepting things that we can’t really handle and that only him knows. I am living my most life by helping persons who are in need, guiding my daughter and loving my husband. And yes it seems like life goes so fast when you are enjoying it but a vice versa when you feel like carrying all the burdens and problems around. And in just a snap of time, history repeat itself and this time my brokenness doubled. My husband and daughter died in an accident, they are dead on arrival on the hospital. My world totally stopped. I could not hear anything; my vision became blurry, I can’t accept the fact that for the second time around my loved ones left me without a word. I was even worse than a dead man living.
This time I did not cry. I became numb. Instead what I did is laid in bed remembering what I did wrong to deserve this miserable life of mine. Took a lot of thinking, once again, after decades of ignoring and fooling everything, I decided to come back to my home, to where my parents only showed me love and protection. I breath and calm myself reminding to not to cry. I looked upon our home, now all new designed upon my likings since I decided to renovate it years ago. I cleared my mind from everything that is stopping me to move forward. I am starting to forgive myself this time. I started to move on. I seek for a psychiatric help for me to better understand things that I can’t understand anymore. But I realized that what would really help me is no other than myself. Yes, still ourselves. I allowed myself to be angry but I don’t let it last. Because before, I let other people and my distressed mind behold the truth. I felt ashamed of what I become so I stayed under the dark shadow and got afraid of what other people will say not minding that there would also be someone who will look upon us. Plan what is ahead of you, plan your future with the power of your belief, words and positivity it can change your outlook and your life.
By that, I have learned to be human again, to feel the loving grace of life, the emptiness within me was filled once again by burning passion and desire. It is a second chance indeed, I can rekindle with my old friends and only god could take over my life, ever again. Same goes for you, do not let them interfere in your mind, do not get lost.
If I can do it, you can also do it. Because in life nothing is impossible, think, aim and believe. You can make it.
