#z.s

[enamored-by-you]

i have never had a hope so desperate than that my mother will love me. i was raised on agony, on irritation, on resentment, on fury, on words laced with violence. i held suffering close to my chest and prayed desperately for things to get better.

but kindness from you was a dagger in the back, a hug embraced with terror when you’d finished going down the list of everything you hated about me, when you’d decided you were bored of adding to my ever growing self loathing.

i haven’t felt like you loved me since i was 14. i spent so much of my youth hiding away every real part of myself from you so that the next time you needed to take your anger out on me, it wouldn’t ache quite so deeply, so that you were only hurting a ghost.

i guess i forgot that ghosts come back to haunt and you have created a poltergeist inside of me. a monster to carry out your destruction, and it has done your job so well. it wreaks havoc from the inside out. when it tires of shredding me apart internally, it does so much worse.

sometimes, i am possessed. in those moments, i see you in myself so clearly and i have never felt pain so sharp as i lash out at those who love me as i watch myself lash out and lash out and lash out. and i am begging myself to stop.

but i am possessed and when i regain control over my own body the damage has been done and i am left alone, knees to my chest in the wreckage, holding that intimate suffering close like it is all i have ever known.

i hate you. i despise you with every ounce of myself and yet i can’t let go of that stupid-- desperate fucking hope that someday, someday you will see everything you’ve done to me and you will beg for my forgiveness, and when you say sorry you will mean it and you will love me as i have never known before. but it will be this poltergeist and i forever.

at the very least i wish i could let you go. but i have never been very good at letting things go and everything taken from me is left with claw marks gouged from my shaking hands. and i learned that, on some level, from you.

-z.s.

[enamored-by-you]

pieces of my heart will always belong to every person that i've ever loved. it is impossible for me to let some things go.

my heart is a ghost town where you roam free.

i am holding onto the things that haunt me. i wish that at least one person would teach me how to say goodbye before they go.

-z.s

[enamored-by-you]

i don’t want to fall in love with you. in fact, falling in love with you is the very last thing i want to do. i don’t want to think about how safe i feel when i’m in your arms, how nice your hand feels wrapped around mine. i don’t even know if i am falling in love or if i’m just desperately grabbing onto the comfort you provide and hoping for more of that. is that love? or is that just me falling for the idea of you? i don’t know. i never know what’s happening inside my own mind but there is something happening. something i can’t put words or thoughts to. something that feels sad... maybe a bit lonely... maybe a bit hopeful... i am a mess of too many emotions. all i know for certain is that when i’m not with you, i miss you terribly. and i know that when i lay my head on your chest and listen to your heartbeat, the steady pace calms the storm inside my head. i’m afraid. deep down, i know what this all means. somewhere inside of me, i’ve admitted it. but here, on my surface, i can’t admit it. i never can. i’m much too afraid of losing you and much too tired of falling in love with my best friends. why do i keep doing this? i suppose that even my heart is wired for self destruction.

-z.s

[enamored-by-you]

never have i felt more at peace than when sitting on the ocean’s shore listening to the pounding of the waves, that are synchronized with my heart. they call out to me, begging me to come closer, to slip under the water. i cannot ignore the incessant beating. each time they break i see myself mirrored in them a little more, i feel my resolve crack a little farther. let the current take me, let me drown in the waves that feel more at home to me than my body ever has. let the vastness of the ocean try to fill the emptiness inside of me until my lungs are overflowing with salt. there is stillness to be found on the ocean floor, beneath the chaos of the surface, and to find it i only have to let go... so let me go.

                              -i want to be free, let me be free

-z.s

[enamored-by-you]

it's so hard for me to think about you, and yet; you are the only thing on my mind so much of the time. you are this constant push and pull. a paradox inside my head. i’m getting tired of fighting it, i am so tempted to just... give in. but that’s not the way it works with you. so i’ll keep trying to drown out all my thoughts of you, and hope that i don’t lose you in the process.

-z.s

[enamored-by-you]

lately i don’t really feel like myself. although, to be honest, i think that it’s been years since i’ve ever truly been myself. i don’t even know who she is or what she’s like. my mind has made a prisoner of the person that i am supposed to be, and now i’m stuck like this... sometimes i think that i might like the person that i've become. sometimes she’s more bold, more risk taking than whoever i was. other times i think that i'm just pushing myself into situations that i know that i'll despise. and bold isn’t quite the word i would use to describe that. maybe reckless, maybe impulsive, maybe i don’t care anymore because i don’t care what happens to me. sometimes i think that i can feel the person locked away, begging for me to stop. it’s almost shameful, the ease with which i ignore her. it’s simpler to pretend that she doesn’t exist, that i’m stuck like this with no real capacity for improvement, with no way to recover that person. i wouldn’t even know how to reach her if i tried. maybe i’m just not meant to be myself. maybe i'm stuck carrying out these decisions made by a ghost of a girl, the only pieces left behind of the better me. maybe I'm already dead and i'm just haunting my own corpse.

-z.s

[enamored-by-you]

i am unloveable. a monstrosity that drags everyone who ever gets near to me down. my emotional damage is too much for others to bear, and yet i desperately try to get help from others, hoping that they’ll be able to figure me out, to help sort through this mess that is me. i hold out hope for so much, when i know i should come to terms with the fact that i am too much to handle. always too much. the people who love me always regret it. and perhaps, if i take the easy way out of this life of mine, they will regret it even more. regret getting close to me, regret letting me in their lives. eventually they will realize that i do so much more harm than good. eventually they will leave me to sort through my head alone. a l o n e. you think that i’d be used to being lonely by now. but no... my heart aches for the familiarity of someone  that i love, who loves me in return. when will she understand that she’s believing in a fantasy almost impossible to entertain. my best friend tells me i cannot be loved until i love myself. it’s hard to admit that he might be right when i can’t see past this hatred of myself. but when i think that i am unloveable because everyone who loves me will eventually leave, perhaps he has a point. maybe they won’t leave. but my head screams at me that they will and when they are gone it will prove that i am a creature who cannot be cared for. when he leaves i know it will destroy me. i don’t want him to leave because, god, i love him so much. but i can’t see past a scenario where he gets tired of how emotionally draining i am, and he realizes that i am not worth it. when he is gone i will be ruined. it is easier to say that i am unloveable, because then when they leave i can tell myself the reason why: i am too difficult of a person, too annoying, too clingy, too sad, to ever truly be let inside someone’s heart. it just gets so hard when all i want to be loved. maybe if i tried loving myself it would be a bit easier but i can’t even manage to do that. it is so hard to be unloveable.

-z.s

[enamored-by-you]

i’ve never felt comfort like the kind you give me. and i’ve never felt known like the way that you know me. my heart is yours, yours, yours and i cannot even reclaim it for my own. 

-z.s