#zantabraxus

[tanoraqui]

Girl Genius twins reveal incipient after 19 years of very slowly increasing canon hints. Never kill yourself.

[leletha-jann]

Thanks to this post I am now actively thinking about the Machine for Picking Up Girls (I am always thinking about the Machine for Picking Up Girls), so now we must have

Girl Genius Characters React to Being Picked Up By the Machine for Picking Up Girls:

Agatha: it's a big clank, are you kidding? She's delighted. She has 12 suggestions for Spontaneously Improving it that she's going to try out right now, and then she's going to conduct a controlled trial of its upgraded ability to Pick Up Girls. For the rest of this post, assume that Agatha is operating the Machine.

Zeetha: spontaneously invents the Fastball Special. Is removed from the experiment pool until the next time we need someone to do that, which will probably be, y'know, tomorrow or something. Stuff happens.

Violetta: tolerates it once for Agatha's sake. Is unfindable for the rest of the trial.

Bang: if she sees that clank again she'll murder it and Gil.

Colette: she'll take five of them, but Gil will never hear the end of it. Spontaneous Improvements are made.

Seffie: not sure why she's tolerating it. [Colette is operating the Machine, is why.] You can put her down now.

Sleipnir: "Hey Agatha, I can see your house from up here!"

Larana: already best friends with Zoing.

Trelawney: thinks it's hilarious. Comparing notes with Zeetha about the Fastball Special ideas.

Neena: can she have one for her mom's next party, and also can she take it on expeditions. Also spontaneously best friends with Zoing.

Albia: we didn't try this.

Francisca Monahan: talked about rats until the experimenters went away. File under "unsuccessful", and possibly under "god-queen influence used".

Prrrriti M'reau: absolutely not. Experiment cancelled on account of Angry Cat Glare.

Zola: I think we should do this in canon, actually.

Lucrezia: I don't think we should do this in any context, actually.

Mamma Gkika: has a VERY scandalous story about picking up girls. Experiment paused while everyone recovers. Or encodes the notes they were taking during the story. Whichever.

Hexalina Snaug: this sort of thing happens to minions. Resigned. That really could have been more traumatizing though. Would they like suggestions?

Otilia: puts the Machine and Gil in time-out. [Zoing is innocent, obviously.]

Tinka, Moxana, Orotine, and possibly Prende: all mysteriously missing from the subject pool, and nobody knows where Tarvek went either.

Lilith Clay: tolerates this with dignity, but only because it's Agatha doing it.

Maxinia Clay: the Machine is NOT ALLOWED to pick up the baby unless the baby SPECIFICALLY wants to be picked up. [The baby absolutely wants to be picked up. It is very gentle with her. She is less gentle with it. Experiment paused for repairs and Spontaneous Improvements.]

Zulenna: NO.

Jenka: we forgot to warn Füst. Repairs.

Lumi von Mekkhan: says "Wheeeeeee!" a lot. Spontaneous Improvements.

Captain Oana Grosu: is definitely going to tell some pirates she knows about this. Are there spares of this machine by the way.

Captain Jeanne the Europan of Piratical Descent: has SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Pix: can you do that again but on cue this time.

Zantabraxus: NO. [but would like to see the Fastball Special again]

Professoressa Kaja: this is how the story knows about the Machine for Picking Up Girls. Oops.

[grandpuppyalpaca]

OKAY, SO

(gotta get this out before the next page is up, in case Lu course-corrects and I get egg on my face)

When discussing the open-endedness of Lu's last order, I have seen people suggest that Klaus retrieve wine and cake from Mechanicsburg, England, and Paris.

I have NOT yet seen anyone offer the funniest suggestion:

Queen Zantabraxus of Skifander: *opens door to the Royal Family Wine Cellar*

Ex-Baron Klaus Wulfenbach, in the middle of the stupidest and most drawn-out burglary he could come up with: Hello!

Zanta: ...Hello.

Klaus, who's totally not trying to get himself arrested in a foreign country, why would you even think that: So it's been a while, can you point me in the direction of that one really fancy vintage that you said we'd open on our...fifth anniversary? Tenth? It was one of those, I think.

Zanta: *narrows eyes* *silently foreboding*

Klaus, who is delightedly aware that it would take something miraculously clever to get him out of this situation: Is this your way of saying you already drank it?

[avoid-avoidance]

ngl i’m still riding the giddy high of ZantaKlaus becoming canon.

what a build-up, what a payoff. *applauds*

[annoyinglandmagazine]

To be perfectly honest I think a lot of Klaus’ motivation in wanting to get Gil married at the beginning of the comics is less to do with politics and more to do with suppressed terror at who exactly Gil would find of his own volition.

Does Klaus actually care about something like a marital alliance with the nobility all that much? No, his main attitude most of the time is ‘fuck those guys’. Is he trying to do damage control on the ticking time bomb of Gil’s up until now suspiciously harmless dating life? Possibly.

Because he remembers his mother joking in her letters asking him when he’s going to bring someone home from college and him using the standing invitation to turn up at the gates with two Heterodynes and a shit-eating grin.

He remembers spending half of college and all of his twenties in weirdly charged sword fights over gaping chasms, making out with about half the more deranged sparks they came across, blatantly flirting with the Lord Heterodyne whenever he got a bit tipsy etc.

The first time he met his wife it ended with her sword on his throat. He’d fallen in love with her fairly quickly after that.

The less said about Lucrezia the better.

Usually when he got worried that Gil might turn out too like him he found reassurance in the fact that he could reasonably take after his mother. Except Zantabraxus married him so clearly her genetics are no help in this regard.

The moment he learns who exactly Gil has been mooning over the past week he realises that he was both entirely justified and too late so this is going to be his life now (somewhere beyond the veil the late Baron and Baronin are cackling).

Then he finds out that Gil is also dating a fucking politician and he gives up. Clearly he’s been cursed with Klaus’ taste in women but his taste in men is somehow worse.

He gets over it eventually (and by eventually I mean it takes several quite literally explosive attempts before you could bet that a family dinner wouldn’t cause both a diplomatic and military disaster).

[bigasswritingmagnet]

Chump

Fandom: Girl Genius Rating: Gen Summary: Klaus awakens in Skifander as a result of a rather extreme breakup, and renames himself accordingly.

AO3 Link

When Klaus was a child, he had been given a watercolor set by some well-meaning distant cousin who felt obligated to send birthday gifts to a child they had never laid eyes on. Klaus, out of equally meaningless obligation, had taken it outside with a large piece of paper, and dutifully painted a clumsy but serviceable painting of the east gardens. While he was outside, it had begun to rain. Klaus had sat in fascination as the rain drops hit the water color and sent the colors running, smearing and blurring together into a hazy muddle.

He felt like that now, and the world came back like the watercolors in reverse—blurry edges slowly solidifying until they were real enough that his senses could begin to provide proper feedback.

His head throbbed and his throat was dry. He was lying on his back, and could feel hard, gritty rock beneath him. Beneath all of him, actually, which meant he wasn’t wearing any clothes, which was probably a bad thing. He heard voices nearby, but his head was still swimming and he couldn’t make out the words.

Klaus was surprised to find that, other than the headache, he wasn’t in any physical pain. He felt sluggish in the way of a sleepy lizard dozing on a hot rock. Maybe he’d just overdone it with the celebrating. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Something jabbed him in the ribs, hard. A voice spoke, loud and clear enough that Klaus realized it wasn’t the wool in his head preventing him from understanding the words. Another jab in the ribs, harder, and Klaus summoned up the energy to open his eyes.

Four people stared down at him. Female, muscular, faces twisted in suspicion, and their hair was…green. He could see a variety of weapons in their hands, at the ready.

Oh dear. And Klaus was naked, too. Eventually he’d find the energy to be embarrassed about that. If Lucrezia was going to dump him so literally, she could have at least had the decency to put his pants back on before—

Lucrezia.

Klaus tensed, and the warriors responded in kind, hands tightening on weapons. But Klaus wasn’t paying attention to them. He was staring up at the sky.

There was no sky. The world overhead disappeared into a distant mist, and the light seemed to come not from any one source, but from whatever was behind that mist. And Klaus was pretty damn certain he knew that it was going to be glowing crystals or mushrooms or lichen growing in the ceiling of the massive underground cavern housing this long-hidden civilization.

Klaus sat up abruptly and swayed as the headrush made his vision grey out. When it passed, he stood, wobbling slightly. The warriors took a step back, weapons raised, but while wary, they did not attack. He ignored them and looked around, trying to get his bearings. All five of them stood on a wide platform at the top of a massive flight of stairs, overlooking a city of unfamiliar architecture, dotted with statues strange and beautiful.

Behind him loomed a massive obelisk of polished stone, gleaming slightly in the not-sunlight. Klaus’ mouth dropped open.

A queen’s gate.

Lucrezia had cracked a mystery so old even the undying empress of England couldn’t solve it, and she’d used it to break up with him.  

To remove the temptation.

Klaus wandered over and pressed his fingertips to it, gazing disbelievingly at the inert portal.

Should he have seen this coming? How many stories existed about the dangers of getting tangled up with the mad scientist’s daughter? How many more about getting tangled up with madgirls themselves?

He’d always known he couldn’t trust her, known that she was selfish, known that she was unpredictable. But this.

Klaus slammed his fist into the stone. There was no reaction, but he hadn’t been expecting one. He hit again, then again, and again.

“Stupid,” he snarled. “Stupid, blind, naïve…”

This time, when the butt of the spear made a jab at his ribs, Klaus caught it. Holding it firm, he turned and glared at the woman holding it.

“Stop that.”

The warrior jerked the spear free but, to Klaus' surprise, did not point the business end at him. For a long moment, her eyes searched his face, a puzzled frown tugging down eyebrows as green as her hair. And then she relaxed and set the butt of the spear on the ground, leaning against the spear with a wry smile. In a tone that matched her smile, she spoke. Klaus shrugged wearily.

“I don’t understand you,” he said. Her smile broadened, suggesting to him that she had said something along the lines of 'you don't understand a word I'm saying, do you?'

Still casually leaning on her weapon, the woman waved a hand at the others. To Klaus' surprise--and apparently to theirs--the women stood down. One of them said something, her tone one of protested. The woman shut them down sharply, and she must have been a person of some authority, for the three bowed their heads and hurried away.

For a moment, Klaus and the warrior watched each other. He was certainly still in danger, but there was a ray of hope--perhaps he could survive as a novelty. At last, she spoke, making vague gestures he took to mean that they were to wait for them to return.

“Thoh zo kalla…” She mimed wrapping something around her waist and pointed at Klaus.

Klaus looked down, then tipped his head back and stared upwards as his cheeks began to redden. Ah. Now he had enough energy to be embarrassed.

Once again he caught the spear before it could hit his ribs, but this time the warrior just gave him a cheeky grin and a playful wrinkle of her nose. She put a hand to her chest.

“Zantabraxus,” she said. Then she turned and waved a hand to encompass the city below them. “Skifander,” she said, with evident pride.

She turned to him expectantly.

Klaus glanced back at the mirror, and then down at himself. He considered the fact that he had taken a viper for a lover and been shocked when it bit him. He thought about what everyone was going to think of him disappearing the day before his best friend was to marry the woman they’d both…cared for.

His lips curled into a sardonic smile as he looked back at Zantabraxus and put a hand on his own chest.

“Chump,” he said. “I am Chump.”

[aelloposchrysopterus]

Zantabraxus's Parenting

“Mom,” Zeetha said. “Finishing school? Really?”

Queen Zantabraxus of Skifander folded her arms tight across her chest. “Young lady —”

“Please, Mom, please. Dad’s sending Gil to Paris to fuck —”

“Language, young lady.”

“— fine. Fool around at uni and I have to go to some stuffy castle in the middle of absolutely nowhere and learn how to be a ‘proper lady’ and that’s supposed to be fair?” Zeetha gave a pouty face her best go. It ended up looking like a constipated kitten.

“Zeetha, as you are my daughter, I feel compelled to do what is best for you, and right now that seems to be sending you to a finishing school. You must have manners if you are to interact with society.” Queen Zantabraxus nervously twiddled with a sword, knowing full well that bowing down to these Europan norms was not something she particularly wanted either, but she wanted Klaus to meet his daughter.

“Shit. I don’t have a choice.”

“Precisely! Now get packed, you’re getting picked up tomorrow.”

A winter’s ball in Paris. Simon Voltaire was grudgingly present, since it is generally considered impolite to miss a child’s debut in society. That child was currently twirling around on the floor in the arms of one of his preferred pupils. The boy was quite a genius, he must admit, and if Colette liked him — but she didn’t, not that way, she liked Xerxesphina, she’d never love a man — then a tolerable marriage could be arraigned by that accursed finishing school Queen Albia had coaxed him into sending her to.

“Hey.” A voice from up near the ceiling. “Can I hang out with you?”

“Of course,” the Master of Paris said.

Zeetha dropped onto the floor. “Thanks.”

“You’re one of Colette’s friends? From the finishing school?”

“Yeah.”

“But you’re not a fan of parties?”

“I’m a fan of fighting,” Zeetha said. “I’m Skifandrian. And fighting isn’t polite, so I’m not supposed to do it in societal settings.” She kicked her leg aimlessly. “My Mom would let me, but the headmistress doesn’t, and Mom wants me to be able to ‘blend in’ because my Dad’s weird.”

Simon Voltaire nodded. “You don’t have to play by Europan society’s rules, you know. I always encourage Colette to be true to herself, and I think Queen Zantabraxus wants that for you too. Right now, at finishing school, you’re supposed to learn how that’ll help you live your life, but finishing school isn’t for everyone.”

“So I should always be true to myself, huh?”

“Always.”

“Queen Zantabraxus of Skifander, it is my pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“Queen Albia of England, likewise.”

The two queens bowed to each other before taking seats on the plush couches in Albia’s sunroom. Albia served Zantabraxus tea and scones.

“I had hoped to meet you under better circumstances,” Albia said.

“Oh? And why should that be?” Zantabraxus took a sip of the tea.

Albia fidgeted. “It is my duty to tell you that the Princess Zeetha has run away.”

“Oh dear.”

“It would be a salvageable situation, save for that she has been found in the company of one Higgs.”

“A suitor?”

“A Jagergeneral.”

“My fellow queen,” Zantabraxus laughed. “Don’t be so narrow-minded. Is this Higgs courting my daughter or not? I don’t give a sow’s ear whether he’s a Jager or not.”

“Oh.” Albia quickly glanced at a folder she’d brought with her. “Yes, Higgs is romantically pursuing the Princess. I suppose I should get her away from him?”

“Absolutely not! I’m going to arrange a wedding!”

“It is one thing for Zantabraxus to arrange a marriage without consulting me, it is another thing for it to be to a Jager!” Klaus Wulfenbach bellowed out while adjusting his tie before the wedding of Princess Zeetha of Skifander to the Jagergeneral “Higgs”. “She’s my daughter, too!”

“Dad. You’ve never met her.” Gil fiddled with the buttons on his ill-fitting vest. He usually asked Tarvek to tailor his clothes — it was a convenient arrangement —, but there hadn’t been time enough. Klaus hadn’t told him about the wedding until right before they flew the Castle to Skifander.

“She’s marrying down! He’s beneath her!” Klaus punched a mirror.

Gil rolled his eyes. “Dad. He’s practically a hero in Skifander because of his fighting prowess and that whole incident where he saved Zeetha when she was paralyzed by that venom. To Zantabraxus, he’s a gift from Ashtara. Think of it as marrying sideways.”

“I don’t like it!”

“Dad. This isn’t about you.” Gil groaned. “Look, Zeetha’s happy, okay? It’s her wedding. Would it kill you to let her be happy?”

Klaus grumbled, but shut up.

The wedding happened without a single diplomatic incident. Before the guests knew it, Higgs and Zeetha were whirling in a blur of knives and ceremonial clothing in the ritual Skifandrian wedding fight. After that, Zantabraxus cut the wedding cake with a giant sword and the partying began. Gil hadn’t seen anything like it, and he’d been to some of the crazier U of Paris ones.

Zeetha came running up to him. “Gil!”

“I’m so happy for you, sis,” he said, hugging her tight.

Higgs joined them, having walked at a more leisurely pace. “Hello, Gil.”

“Hey, Higgs.” They shook hands. “As I was just telling my sister, I’m really happy for both of you. It’s clear that you’re in love and that you like being together.”

“Awww, thanks.” Zeetha blushed. “Dad didn’t have an aneurysm when he found out about this, did he?”

Gil laughed. “No, but he wasn’t happy. He’ll come around, eventually.” His face fell. “I know he loves you, Zeetha, it’s just… he can’t fathom why you wouldn’t want an arranged marriage to, say, Tarvek Sturmvoraus.”

“Dude. I could never,” she laughed. “Not while you’ve got your eye on him, at least.”

Gil blushed. “Hey. That was cold.”

“I beg to differ,” Higgs said. “You’re fair game, Gil.” He smiled. “It was a pleasure to have this little chat with you, but Zeetha and I should go talk to some of the other dignitaries before they start threatening war.” He placed an arm around Zeetha’s shoulder.

“Gil, don’t forget to talk to Mom,” Zeetha said. “She won’t try to kill you.”

“That’s good to know,” Gil muttered, but by then, the couple was far away, mingling with Queen Albia and her daughters.

“Mom. We need to have a talk.” Gil was flopped out on a couch in Zantabraxus’s palace a few days after the wedding. Klaus had left, but he’d chosen to stay behind until the start of the next term.

Zantabraxus sat down on a chair. “I’m always here for you, son.”

“Right. Yeah. You are. It’s Dad who isn’t — sorry, that’s not what I came here to talk about. Wait. Is it? Ugh. I don’t even know anymore.” He waved his hands about dramatically.

“Talk.” She gently offered her hand.

Gil took it. He breathed in and then started talking. “So there’s this girl and there’s this guy and I like both of them so I think I might be bisexual and polyamorous and I know he feels the same way about her as I do and I get the feeling that he might like me too and Dad hates both of their guts and I just want to be with them and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.”

Zantabraxus smiled. “I’m really happy you told me this. I’ll be having words with your father.”

“Do you need to?” Gil awkwardly bolted upright. “Like, this isn’t important.”

“It is.” She gently patted him on the shoulder. “My son deserves happiness. And your father needs to stop being so controlling. Now, why don’t you invite your crushes to my palace for a week while we sort this all out?”

“Um.” Gil was wordless. “Thank you.”

“I’ll tell the priestesses to expect them next Monday, then?”

“Just don’t start planning another wedding already, okay?”

“Oh, I can’t promise that!”

Read on AO3.

[phoenixyfriend]

Theory time for Girl Genius!

Page 11-22-2021

I BET

I BET THE TWINS THING WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A HUGE DEAL

EXCEPT THIS PERSON WHO ALREADY HATED ZANTA

MADE IT A BIG DEAL

Like it would have been a symbolic death and he's raised by a cousin

Except this high priestess insisted it was a SIGN that the gods were displeased with Zanta for declaring Ishtar her patron, and especially having taken back her throne with the help of a foreigner.

Like the twins would have just been a thing to handle with a ritual and not murder but THIS CHICK ALREADY HAD IT OUT FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY...

Also hmmmmm something about how the birth of twins is the splitting/separation of a being that is meant to be just one (re: a high priestess with four arms), and is a sign of godly displeasure because it means not being given a priestess, it's a 'you could have had this, but you no longer have our favor.'