Thanks to this post I am now actively thinking about the Machine for Picking Up Girls (I am always thinking about the Machine for Picking Up Girls), so now we must have
Girl Genius Characters React to Being Picked Up By the Machine for Picking Up Girls:
Agatha: it's a big clank, are you kidding? She's delighted. She has 12 suggestions for Spontaneously Improving it that she's going to try out right now, and then she's going to conduct a controlled trial of its upgraded ability to Pick Up Girls. For the rest of this post, assume that Agatha is operating the Machine.
Zeetha: spontaneously invents the Fastball Special. Is removed from the experiment pool until the next time we need someone to do that, which will probably be, y'know, tomorrow or something. Stuff happens.
Violetta: tolerates it once for Agatha's sake. Is unfindable for the rest of the trial.
Bang: if she sees that clank again she'll murder it and Gil.
Colette: she'll take five of them, but Gil will never hear the end of it. Spontaneous Improvements are made.
Seffie: not sure why she's tolerating it. [Colette is operating the Machine, is why.] You can put her down now.
Sleipnir: "Hey Agatha, I can see your house from up here!"
Larana: already best friends with Zoing.
Trelawney: thinks it's hilarious. Comparing notes with Zeetha about the Fastball Special ideas.
Neena: can she have one for her mom's next party, and also can she take it on expeditions. Also spontaneously best friends with Zoing.
Albia: we didn't try this.
Francisca Monahan: talked about rats until the experimenters went away. File under "unsuccessful", and possibly under "god-queen influence used".
Prrrriti M'reau: absolutely not. Experiment cancelled on account of Angry Cat Glare.
Zola: I think we should do this in canon, actually.
Lucrezia: I don't think we should do this in any context, actually.
Mamma Gkika: has a VERY scandalous story about picking up girls. Experiment paused while everyone recovers. Or encodes the notes they were taking during the story. Whichever.
Hexalina Snaug: this sort of thing happens to minions. Resigned. That really could have been more traumatizing though. Would they like suggestions?
Otilia: puts the Machine and Gil in time-out. [Zoing is innocent, obviously.]
Tinka, Moxana, Orotine, and possibly Prende: all mysteriously missing from the subject pool, and nobody knows where Tarvek went either.
Lilith Clay: tolerates this with dignity, but only because it's Agatha doing it.
Maxinia Clay: the Machine is NOT ALLOWED to pick up the baby unless the baby SPECIFICALLY wants to be picked up. [The baby absolutely wants to be picked up. It is very gentle with her. She is less gentle with it. Experiment paused for repairs and Spontaneous Improvements.]
Zulenna: NO.
Jenka: we forgot to warn Füst. Repairs.
Lumi von Mekkhan: says "Wheeeeeee!" a lot. Spontaneous Improvements.
Captain Oana Grosu: is definitely going to tell some pirates she knows about this. Are there spares of this machine by the way.
Captain Jeanne the Europan of Piratical Descent: has SO MANY QUESTIONS.
Pix: can you do that again but on cue this time.
Zantabraxus: NO. [but would like to see the Fastball Special again]
Professoressa Kaja: this is how the story knows about the Machine for Picking Up Girls. Oops.
that bit where gil or tarvek is warning agatha about seffie and says "she's a darling, that's why she's dangerous" and that bit where they find out about paris and colette almost turns back but then digs in her heels and says she won't make the same mistake her father did and seffie stands there crestfallen realizing a love that wanted her back was there the whole time and says "what?"
Another oldie from the groupchat (2018, so like. hoo boy. eight years???)
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I have since watched at least ten seasons of the show, but at the time hadn't yet.]
[knock knock knock] Have you considered. A Project Runway AU.
The thing that needs to be kept in mind 100% is that Tarvek is competing and Violetta gets to wear lots and lots of pretty dresses
@azzandra:
Ok, but, Gil absolutely nails the unconventional materials challenge in like the second episode and makes a great impression early on, while Tarvek's dress barely avoids elimination, and that's how their rivalry kicks off
I've never watched Project Runway, for the record, so I'm making assumptions.
Azzandra:
Tarvek is great at working with, like, actual materials, but give him a stack of papers plates and ask him to make a dress and he's like ??????
Like that every contestant probably has an assigned model? In which case, Gil's is Bang, and Agatha's is Zeetha. Moloch's on the camera crew.
Azzandra:
Oh, I've watched Project Runway and trust me, the unconventional materials challenge really trips up even the best designers
The ones who nail it, though? Absolute evil geniuses usually
well, if this is a mundane non-spark au, then maybe all the Sparks are designers instead?
That's what I was thinking, yeah. Colette and Martellus argue over who gets to use Seffie as a model. Anevka rolls her eyes and steps in as Martellus' model, since she's the only woman left that can actually put up with his shit, and Anevka's tired of hearing about Seffie's sexuality crisis without any resolution.
@magicalspacedragon (Space):
"go, seffie. be gay. remember that you Owe Me."
Azzandra:
Sleipnir is Theo's model and everyone wishes they were a bit less obvious about the fact they're dating
the big question is, who is Tim Gunn in this scenario? Oh my God, is it Klaus? It's Klaus!
I'M DOWN. Lucrezia's a former contestant who got booted for cheating. (She didn't even NEED to cheat, she just DID.)
Azzandr:
(lmao, there actually was a dude in season 1 booted for cheating. He didn't even need to, either)
(Great! That's Lu.)
Barry made it to the final three and then just. Mysteriously disappeared.
Nobody's sure where he went, just that it wasn't a kidnapping? It's one of the weirdest things to ever happen to the show.
Azzandra:
Team challenges! Tarvek ends up teamed up with Tweedle for one of the team challenges and it is such a wretched experience for him, they almost lose because they work so terribly together
Then for the next team challenge, Agatha gets saddled with Tweedle, and she also hates him, but surprisingly they win that time?
It helps that Zeetha's there to prevent Incidents, and that Anevka's ready to talk shit and bring up blackmail if necessary.
(This is what happens when your cousin is your model and the only person willing to put up with your shit, Tweedle.)
Zeetha is the BEEFIEST model and a lot of Agatha's designs are made to show off those arms.
(The director's assistant is occasionally Very Distracted.)
(It's Higgs.)
Azzandra:
(the models usually only come in a few times for fittings, so they're not there to stop designers from killing each other all the time)
(GOOD THING ZEETHA GIVES AGATHA TIPS)(And blackmail works long-distance.)
Azzandra:
(but yeah, Higgs is absolutely very distracted)
Tweedle: [attempts to steamroll ahead and force his design ideas]
Agatha: A-HEM.
Tweedle: What?
Agatha: Have you considered this instead?
Tweedle, through clenched jaw: ...that is better.
Azzandra:
all the bitching in the sewing room is almost exclusively about Tweedle, but when he walks in everyone deftly changes subject mid-sentence so he has no idea how much people were shit-talking him until the show airs.
The reunion after-season episode is. Tense
Tarvek: I told you nobody likes you.
Tweedle: I will set you on fire.
Azzandra:
Omg, if Klaus is Tim Gunn, maybe that's why Gil has to hide that he's Klaus' son! Obviously Klaus isn't a judge, but there is a question of favoritism, even though Gil qualified for the show fair and square
Do we... HAVE any possible judges that wouldn't display favoritism?
Albia?
Space:
Steelgarter?
tho shes hardly a major character
@professorsparklepants (Prof):
Steelgarter is absolutely a judge. She's the Nina Garcia.
CHEYENNE. I forgot what his in-verse name is. But I want him as a judge.
Space:
...and Kaja and Phil,
They might get accused of favoritism. In Agatha's favor. One's writing her biography and the other is a Mechanicsburger.
Space:
this is an au tho
True. I brought up Cheyenne because he's a professor of color theory in-universe, which I figured translated pretty well to designer stuff. IDK about Kaja and Phil.
edragoon (cannot id their tumblr):
You know, from what I remember from project runway the designers actually chose the models before every project, so after a few weeks they just stick with the same one.
I could see Colette and Martellus fighting over Seffie like that hahaha.
It's like when teachers let you choose your own seat.
Tarvek just switches between Violetta and Anevka a few times before Anevka just went "this is ridiculous" and went with Tweedle just to make the bitching stop.
Luuny:
Zola is one of the contestants, and she frequently attempts to sabotage Agatha.
edragoon:
Ok but who wins
Are the finalists the ot3??
Probably
ConstanceComment (CJ) (no longer has a tumblr):
Ot3 go to the finals
Gil does a military theme because Of Course
Agatha wins because Of Course
Tarvek's is probably all inspired by like 19th century royal wear and done up with a modern flair
Kite (no longer has a tumblr):
... can you pick another contestant as your model?
ConstanceComment:
it has happened twice that I know of; once, a model failed to show up the day of the runway. Instead of letting his friend get eliminated, another contestant wore the piece.
The other time that the contestants were the models was for a challenge to design for another designer, based on a theme and taking their personal style of dress into account
Docc:
ooh that last one
tarvek designs for gil
"ok, because gil somehow can't dress himself despite being somewhat decent as a designer, I have taken his personal style into account, and am therefore making the entire ensemble out of garbage bags."
Miss Nixy, Gay for RoboLadies — 7/26/2018 7:52 PMTARVEK NO
ConstanceComment:
Tarvek does a confessional about how bad he wanted to dress Agatha as soon as he heard the challenge description
His ideal challenge would've been like. "Agatha in Gothic style"
Instead he got like. "Gilgamesh, street style"
Tarvek: the only worse option would've been to put Tweedle in a cowboy outfit
Tarvek: actually no wait that could've been funny, I could give him a bandanna that doubles as a muffle
Colette gets Zola and "bondage" and like. Seffie. Is so mad.
Are there ever challenges for the designers to dress THEMSELVES? Because I want Agatha in one of her Big Floofy Dresses. Tarvek is frequently Mistaken For Gay by pretty much everyone he works with and he has to just "No, no, no, I'm bi."
Meanwhile nobody manages to so much as notice that Colette's a massive lesbian until she starts actually bringing it up.
Prof:
Colette, during her presentation about her winning design: as a lesbian.....
Everyone: wait ehat
Seffie: You didn't know?
Martellus: YOU DID?
@themysteriousinternetentity (Timmie):
Colette: winks "Oh she knows"
Martellus is the token straight white man and everyone makes jokes at his expense.
Zola gets all the White Girl Jokes.
Prof:
I first watched project runway when I was a tiny child so when they visited the finalists at home and one of them was gay I was like "what?????"
This was before I know 90% of the men in the fashion industry are queer
ConstanceComment:
Lord lol
"Hands up if you're straight"
Just Martellus and Zola raise their hands
Tarvek: good, you're perfect for each other
Prof:
No no no, Agatha is the one who says that
ConstanceComment:
Agatha: wheezing hysterically in the background
Shit you're right
Klaus watches the contestants and just thanks his lucky stars that, if Gil HAD to fall for a Sturmvoraus, it was Tarvek.
Like, any Valois is bad news. But it could be So Much Worse.
ConstanceComment:
Would Tarvek try to talk up that he's Grandmother's apprentice or what
Like you know Tweedle would name drop
Tweedle: didn't you know, my grandmother is (Diane von Furstenburg)?
Nah, I think Tarvek just wants to win on his own merit.
Space:
did you just suggest gil/anevka phoenix
not in this but
I mean
I MEAN
Anevka deserves the best?
Space:
there is definitely an appeal
Mostly my brain was on "At least it wasn't the shaved gorilla with no sense of personal space or how to manage his own ego."
Like, Martellus would never reciprocate because he's Hetero-Sapiosexual
But if Gil every got a crush in that direction. Klaus would literally die.
ConstanceComment:
Anyway Agatha does her whole thing in a poofy steam punk riot interspersed with practical working wear, showcasing that she can be high concept and commercial and wins the final
Prof:
Agatha: [makes a hat for her look]
Every other designer in the room: how the fuck did you do that
It's like some Phillip Treacy ascot level nonsense and everyone is afraid of her from then on
Timmie:
Agatha puts hats in everything
"In honor of someone back home, you know who you are"
Agatha makes hats in record time. Like, she's a decently fast creator, but her hats are near-instantaneous.
Prof:
She makes on in the last hour they have in the workroom and everyone is terrified
She shows up and plops it on Zeetha's head and everyone is like "did you buy that????"
"no I just had some extra fabric so I whipped it up"
Cut to Gil in the confessional "I don't even know how to make hats, what the hell"
Oh man. When the visit the homes in the finals, there's a short introduction on what kind of place Mechanicsburg is. And they mention.
The Hats
Prof:
Whoever we made the Tim Gunn expy: I feel like I understand more about you both as a person and as a designer
Agatha, surrounded by men in fancy hats, broken cobbled together machinery, and big Gothic sculptures with teeth: I don't get it
At the cast viewing party they're all giving Agatha the eye and she's like "...what?"
Klaus was our Tim Gunn. So. He might already know.
Everyone, everywhere, who cares about the show and is watching, is like "Oh, this explains everything."
Except Klaus and Higgs, who KNEW, And maybe Steelgarter.
Agatha is greatly informed by her background.
Does Project Runway ever have challenges that involve using the contestant's own cultural backgrounds? Like, using 18th century fashion from this country you named as your background in your application to the show...
Prof:
Not that I recall, but there are plenty who incorporate it into different challenges
Challenge: Use religious iconography! |
Agatha: [uses the Red Cathedral for inspo]
Prof:
Given the fashion industry's propensity for copying national/traditional dress and plopping it on the runway without any re-interpretation (coughDiorcough) that would be a fraught theme.
OMG
Timmie:
What if she reverses the tale
And makes a sandwich hat
It's part of her folklore
Use fairy tales as inspiration
@ciiriianan (Will):
Old Man Death is a fairy tale
Tarvek uses Snow White Rose Red, but it's a pointed jab at Zola and Martellus somehow
Gil uses something his father told him that he heard Zeetha telling Agatha and therefore concluded was a Normal Folktale
I don't know anything about fashion but I can contribute sandwich hats.
Everyone else: Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid
Agatha: Sandwich Hat
Prof:
The exact opposite of fashion diplomacy. I adore it.
Zeetha may or may not already know about them being siblings but she's damn well suspicious at minimum now
Space:
I can't believe all the models are related to contestants
every last one
Prof:
Space just almost spit out my drink
& I'm sitting in a crowded bus so fuck you
Space:
what??? i was just stating pre-established facts
what did i do
WAIT
WAAAAAAAAAAIT
Gil putting Bang in a Sari
Prof:
I see this and raise you: Gil dressing Bang in Salwar Kameez
Or Ankali! There are so many other cool Indian outfit types.
Every time Gil makes adjustments that week, he's just checking in with Bang like "This is right, right? I'm not completely undermining the cultural integrity of--"
Bang: YES. I WILL TELL YOU IF IT'S NOT
There's so much beautiful stuff in Hindi fashion.
Space:
she will gladly tell him with knives
the camera can never catch them but Tarvek swears she has them
Will:
Bang always looks glorious
Agatha tries to make Zeetha traditional Skifandrian clothing but it keeps coming out Mechanicsburg
"You.... don't wear hats."
I mean, Zanta does. But that's a Person In Charge hat. Like the Pope's.
Prof:
Gil does one challenge where she's decked out entirely in cloth of gold. Martellus tries copying the idea later and it looks really bad because it's on Zola
Gil, smugly: she doesn't have the skin tone for it
Will:
Zeetha refuses to dye her hair
Agatha never asked her to and goes :? when asked if it's difficult to work with green hair
Agatha's used to working with like... Gkika. And Jenka. And MAXIM. Who may not have That Funky Skin here. But they still have the hair.
Prof:
This another thing that gets an "everything makes sense now" when they visit her at home.
Space:
Agatha gets bored when she doesn't get to work with technicolor hair for a while
Will:
I mean what if Mechanicsburg is just Like That?
Space:
It is Like That in spirit if not in exact mad science levels
Prof:
Technicolor spray tans
Will:
full body tattoos
(Agatha adds contact tattoos to something)
Space:
body paint makeup trends
Jenka still has a pet bear.
Space:
Fuck ok this mechanicsburg aesthetic is Amazing
Will:
Agatha finds all the wrong things weird. Like, okay, sure I guess this scrollwork on your iron bridge is nice, but what about the skulls
Prof:
Seffie: ...is that a real tattoo?
Zeetha: huh? No, Agatha drew it on
All the other models: witchcraft
Will:
Agatha wins because she's a witch. It's everyone's conclusion.
Klaus, as the other judges turn to him whenever something Mechanicsburg happens: "It's just like that."
Agatha: No, no, no, that was my great-great-great-great-aunt, Euphrosynia.
All the Valois: WHOMST
Will:
Agatha: spells Euphrosynia
Prof:
Klaus doesn't know Zeetha is one of the models until he shows up in the workroom during the fitting. He trips over a chair and almost stains Colette's outfit with his coffee.
Space:
Zeetha, innocently: hi
Will:
Agatha, equally innocently: Hello, Herr Doctor Wulfenbach!
Everyone is just looking from Papa Wulfenbach to That Green-Haired Amazon like
Wh
What
Prof:
He grasps desperately for a reason that his face looks Like That and the only thing his brain settles on is "WHY IS THERE A MODEL WITH GREEN HAIR"
Klaus was an acclaimed neurosurgeon before going into fashion
Prof:
I can't believe you just made Klaus the couture version of Dr. Strange
Space:
Agatha: oh, I don't mind!
Will:
What if Tarvek recognises Mechanicsburg fashion?
I just want Klaus to be science, and given his experimentation on Othar in canon, I decided neurosurgeon was the way to go!
ConstanceComment:
Okay but: whenever they say "use the accessory wall" most people ignore that
Zola does not
Prof:
Okay so the idea [from Prof's sister] was that starting with his first onscreen appearance, Klaus is constantly and consistently ragging on Gil. He's 10x harsher on him than he is with every other contestant, and every time Gil's only reaction is to roll his eyes and ignore it.
Everyone: Geez, what did you do?
Gil: I was born.
This continues the whole season, until the home visit where he's criticising not only his design but also like..... Everything about Gil's apartment.
"Do you ever clean up in here? When was the last time you did the dishes?!" etc etc
Bang is there and after Klaus's pained "please tell me you're not sleeping with your model" she's like "no I adopted him he's my baby brother now"
This charade continues up until the fucking. Exit interview probably. They don't tell the audience or other contestants that Klaus is Gil's dad until then. Everyone just thinks Klaus is being a dick for no reason.
I want to imagine, that at some point, a bunch of Jaegers show up just to mess with Agatha.
Like... It's a modern AU, so they're not actually Jagerkin.
But Da Boyz
@pfdiva:
They're all, like, 50 years old and Dimo looks it, but Maxim and Oggie Really Don't, and they mock him extensively. Also, they're definitely the sorts of old dudes who are just ripped for no reason.
The generals are all upwards of 70, except Gkika, who's a cool 40, and Higgs, who is 35 and Somehow Not Bewildered by how his life has turned out
Higgs is there, undercover, as the assistant director for the show.
Kite:
A bit late, but i can totally see Gil putting concealed pockets for Bang's knives into the clothing
"Where did that come from"
"oh there's a pocket here"
All of Gil's clothing has secret pockets... Or else.
[Screenshots from GG Volume 26 page 013 | 09/10/2025]
I'm being absolutely fed.
Heyyyyy who made that post calling Tarvek Gil's official "evil vizier"? I think maybe you were noticed!
Also I'm completely thriving. Gil just said Out Loud theoretically within Tarvek's hearing range (I wish) that he trusts Tarvek. With no caveats or specifiers or limitations.
(He also maybe implied that he's actually trusted Tarvek since the Si Vales Valeo which happened ages ago. Which, like, I knew that and you knew that but I didn't think he knew that!!! And here he is! Saying it out loud!! With words!!!)
In fact, he goes on to say that he trusts Krosp, or at least trusts that he'll do what's right for Agatha, a clarification that he notably did not provide in his statement about Tarvek. Which suggests that he no longer feels the need to offer that clarification about his trust in Tarvek.
I am flourishing right now. Life is beautiful and nothing hurts! (Ignore what's happening to Seffie right now.)
Gil is very smart!!! He's just also a bit of an idiot sometimes. Normally especially he acts stupid around people he really really likes. (I would also describe the way he's been seen and described to behave around Tarvek literally always as "acting stupid" but that could be nothing 👀)
Yay! Dragon-based transportation!
[Sadly that Tarvek expression does not look like the expression of someone who just heard what Gil has just been saying... sigh...]
Poor poor Seffie, who is having a breakup with someone she didn't even know it was possible to be together with like that. Still, I'm somewhat enthused to hear that she's having the reaction to this that I thought she would have to this. It suggests even further that this plotline is saying and going where I think it is. [I am rooting for their relationship so hard you have no idea.] But hey, Seffie knows now! That's very important! Because I'm pretty sure she was completely clueless about it before. So, a kind of progress, at least.
I assume we'll be picking Seffie up on our way over and get some more perspective from her. Looking forward to it. It's definitely about time for a Seffie arc. Let's get that girl some Character Development! It's time to reassess priorities and evaluate personal motivations and reconsider some assumptions! Which is more important; familial obligation to Grandmamma or friendship/relationship with Colette? Which is more important; duty to her family or loyalty to her close friend? Which is more important; obedience or freedom?
And furthermore!! Whose good opinion actually matters more to her; Colette or Gil? Who would she actually want to spend the rest of her life with; a long-term very close friend or a guy she kinda knows? Which relationship status would actually be more valuable; wife of Paris Herself or wife of the leader of the Wulfenbach Empire (which is currently tied heavily to the political powers of the nacent Storm King and The Lady Heterodyne, much of which is based on his relationship with them)? And who does she care more about; her dear friend Colette Voltaire who has always been supportive of her or Gilgamesh Wulfenbach who she has been trying and failing to court while he's been focused on other people?
What has she been prioritizing and what should she be prioritizing? It's time for her to ask herself these questions!
It's time for a crisis of identity and a breakaway from the default way of her life! It's time to get mad at her family and crash out and cut her hair (and change her eyeshadow) and yell! It's time, Seffie! Go off!!
This was not meant to be a Seffie post but I actually have a lot of feelings about her potential upcoming arc and I've not actually posted about it before so it came out. Whatever, I can be deranged about Seffie and seffette (aka parisian coffie) and gilvek all in one post, it's fine.
Given the parallels Seffie should probably be taking the nearest opportunity to speak with her cousin Tarvek who can really understand the problem of the actions of Family messing up your personal life. Might consider asking him about yearning in bestfriendships too, while she's at it. He could have some decent perspective to offer at this time.
