#zzzzzaaaaaah

[noster-tempus]

Instead of challenging myself to stay up until midnight, tomorrow I may have to challenge myself to not stay up until midnight.

[noster-tempus]

I liked Dexedrine, but was having trouble finding a good schedule for the short-acting pills, so the logical next step would be Vyvanse. But I was not about to try a new medication during a worldwide shortage of said medication. So now I'm taking modafinil off-label.

Whenever I try a new medication, unless there are obvious unpleasant side effects, I go through a few days to weeks of feeling like I've found the solution to all of my brain problems, and while I've learned to take that feeling with a grain of salt I also enjoy it while it lasts.

I don't think it's entirely a matter of the placebo effect or developing a tolerance. At my baseline, the reward-prediction circuit in my brain is annoyingly pessimistic. "Yeah, I could drag myself out of bed right when my alarm goes off, but in the short term it would be unpleasant and in the long term why would it get easier with time if it hasn't already?" "I could try to follow this multi-step plan I have in my head, but I'd probably get distracted or lose motivation so why bother?"

But when my brain feels subtly different on a new medication, on both a conscious and subconscious level I decide it's worth taking more risks with my time and energy, because who knows, it might be different this time!

[noster-tempus]

Today's one of those days when I feel a lot more awake and energetic and cheerful than I have in several days, despite not having slept better or eaten better or exercised more or done anything different the previous days that would cause this.

Most likely explanation is that my period has officially ended. (It started nine days ago but there hasn't been any obvious bleeding since Friday.)

[noster-tempus]

Today was a good day. I set my alarm for 10:45am. I was worried it was going to rain this morning but it was actually beautiful, so I was out of bed by 11:10 and took a very short walk so I could get breakfast on the early side. I ate an egg for breakfast, and the rest of the day was evidence against my recent theory that I've developed some sort of sensitivity to eggs.

After breakfast, I was sleepy but not really tired, if that makes sense? So I took a light 10-minute nap and took my dexedrine, which I've found can be either very helpful or very unhelpful depending on my mindset when I take it, and this seemed like a good day for it.

I made lunch before 3:30pm, which is an accomplishment for me. I did spend much of the day web-surfing but I also wrote for the first time in a while and filed a settlement claim with Facebook and had a good session on Duolingo. My parents and I talked about going to the Verizon store to get me a new phone and then going out for dinner, but we decided to do it tomorrow.

I've been archive-bingeing @flyingpurplepizzaeater's blog recently, and I feel like her writing style is leaking into mine. I hope she's okay.

[noster-tempus]

I feel like I need to be ironed

[noster-tempus]

Weirdly, on cloudy mornings I often feel like the light coming out of my window is too bright, but on sunny mornings I find it beautiful and energizing.

[noster-tempus]

It feels like my options are

Be tired because I don't have enough stimulant in my system

Be tired because I didn't eat enough

Which is extra frustrating because I swear Ritalin used to make me hungrier (or at least more able to act on my hunger). Idk, maybe the issue is that I'm still not taking enough and it's the feeling of coming off the Ritalin that makes me not want to eat? Let's hope.

[noster-tempus]

Having one of those "sleepy but motivated" mornings and I keep thinking "I should put on some music to wake myself up--wait, I'm already listening to music."