I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that becoming a people pleaser as a coping mechanism to survive wasn't worth it. To explain that it might feel safer to avoid the conflict and keep your head down as a way to keep going each day. Only I've realized now that by doing so we lost ourselves in the process.
I wish I could warn her that it quickly becomes a game of give and take. Giving away pieces of yourself as a sacrifice so that you could give everyone else what they wanted or needed. Even when it wasn't your job to do so at such a young age. Because the weight of everyone else's world was never supposed to rest on your shoulders.
I wish I could save her from how much it would backfire as we got older. That people would take advantage of that and hurt us. That we would blame ourselves instead of them, because it must mean we didn't do enough to put them first. Because the cost to ourselves could never be too great.
I want to ask her to put us first, to learn that it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes. I want to know if I would feel more like an individual and less like I'm living just because I happen to exist. I want to know if people blame you less if you're the type of person who's stood up for themselves from the start.
Most of all I want to know who I'd be if I loved myself when others didn't. I want to know if I'd feel ok telling people the truth, or asking for what I need. I want to know if I would walk through life without asking for permission to live.
I want to give her the strength I so desperately had to fight for and am still fighting for each day.
