Claire

Pronouns she/her | Welcome to my digital journal 🤍

[losthavenmine]

The Lost Boys (1989)

[takinthegabzzz]

Seems like it’s getting worse before it’s gets better. Can’t wait to look back at these one day and be able to see progress!

[justabittraumatized]

one of the many reasons Fleabag is so heartbreaking and relatable is because no one ever chose her. Not her family. Not her lovers. Not her supposed “soulmate”. The one person that picked her died. She was no one’s choice or option, not even to herself. The way we can feel her loneliness through the screen is enough to make me collapse into a mess of tears on the ground and shake uncontrollably

[takinthegabzzz]

Dermatologist Visit Today

Went to a dermatologist and actually cried in the office today about my face. The doctor was super sweet and encouraging but it was just so disheartening that I need to be on a ton of medications to fix my acne. Plus the doctor said it is hormonal…yet none of my other doctors think I need hormone testing. Tell me how this makes any sense?!?!? But regardless I’m getting them checked, fuck these doctors that don’t believe it’s necessary, they aren’t paying for it or doing the testing anyways like why do they care. But on a good note I should see some results over the next few months, which is what I expected. I have a feeling my skin might get worse before getting better though.

[quotemadness]

“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.”

— Maya Angelou

[takinthegabzzz]

Acceptance

I’ve been struggling the past week about how my skin looks. I have had the slight feeling of stress all week and I can see it affecting my acne. Everything just looks a little bit more inflamed than usual. But I am determined to become more neutral about my body as a form of self love. Doing daily affirmations is helping this process. I acknowledge that my skin has acne while also acknowledging how it doesn’t define me. It’s time for me to be very gentle with myself and trust the process of healing.

[takinthegabzzz]

Generational Trauma

Had a breakthrough moment today in therapy...After months of questioning my father's life choices i.e. why he stayed with my controlling mother, my therapist asked what his upbringing was like. She brought up the idea that he might have been replicating the same relationship he had with his mother with my mom (his wife). I can't believe I had never thought of this before. I recognized this in myself a long time ago, I replicate the relationship I had with my mom with my partners (who have been men so far). I have been holding onto this anger toward him for not taking control of his life, but maybe he has never had control. My mind is a little blown at how the cycle truly repeats itself if family members don't take the time to self-reflect and remove themselves from their environment to gain perspective.

[takinthegabzzz]

Rough Day

Having a bit of a rough day with my skin. I can tell new comedones have forms on my cheeks and the dryness all over my face has just not gone away. I added a vitamin C serum into my routine and I can tell it’s helping the dryness a little but I think I need to be a little more patient. It’s only been a week since getting the facial so I need to chill and not expect things to change over night. The little things I’ve done have already made a difference. When I went on this journey when I was 16 I think it took about 6 months before I had clears skin. So realistically I need to wait until next March to see longer lasting results.

[takinthegabzzz]

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[takinthegabzzz]

Facial

Got my first facial in about 4 months on Monday! It felt so good to be back, even if it meant sitting through the torture of extractions. I loved the woman I go to but unfortunately for me, she's going on maternity leave in the next few weeks. Luckily though, she can refer me to other acne specialists that can help me! And for the recorder, I am happy that she's having a baby, I just selfishly want clear skin and want her help LOL.

[bogfox]

"Epidermis" by Sophie Harris-Taylor

Normality is defined by the images we see all around us, we are led to believe all women have idealised, flawless skin - they don’t. Whether unshown or simply disguised, many women have conditions such as acne, rosacea and eczema and many of these women feel a pressure to hide behind a mask of makeup, covering up what actually makes them unique.

[takinthegabzzz]

Light bulb moment

When I was 15 I went on Accutane, it worked for a solid year or so then my skin began to flare up again. What was I going to do then? The one miracle acne treatment didn't even work for me. But then I found an acne specialist company in Oakland that focuses specifically on this one skin condition. The women that worked there actually changed my life for a short while. I learned so much about the ingredient on products and the concept of pore-cloggers, things that none of my dermatologists ever mentioned. Now 6 years later I'm going back to their methods. Today I went through and check the ingredients in some of my make and body care. And to no surprise, there were ingredients in them that are pore cloggers!! I almost couldn't believe that I had been using makeup that I had been told years ago was risky to use on my skin for the last 4 years. Something about college really caused me to let go of myself... But to a new beginning, because it's time to go back to what I know works best for me. So I threw out all the face makeup and dug up all the "safe" product lists that the acne specialist had given to me years ago. I'm feeling really good about this because I finally have my full attention on MYSELF now.

[takinthegabzzz]

Day 1000 of fixing my skin.

It would feel weird to call this day 1 of my journey to heal my acne, something has bothered me off and on since I started puberty at age 13. But I'm going to declare this as day 1 of my newfound determination to prioritize my skin and health. So far my plan is this:

Getting a facial on Monday from my favorite esthetician

Using minimal products for 3 full weeks so I can get a clear picture of what my "regular" skin type is

See my general practitioner; I am going to requestion regular blood work along with hormone testing

Coming up with a dietary plan

Check all my beauty products for pore cloggers

Practicing detoxifying activities such as reducing my substance use, taking baths to sweat out toxins, and working out

I'm sure there will be more that I will be adding to this list as I learn more about my body. I am also pledging to myself that I will continue to live life through this process; I will not let go of my art, my work, or my social life because of acne. It has held me back so many times before in life because of the weight I put on this specific insecurity. It's time for me to take control.

[takinthegabzzz]

Feels good to be back

Wow. What can I say, it's been so many years since I've logged onto this mystical corner of the internet. I decided to delete my original account and start fresh since so much about me has changed over the years. After 22 years of not having an identity of my own, I feel like this will be a place for me to share my truths and explore myself. The journey is not going to be easy, but I hope that through my hard work I will become the woman I always wanted to be. I will be trying to post regularly on topics like how I am addressing my mental health, physical health, work life, and relationships. We're all lost in the world but I am hoping that community will lead us to a future way better than the present we are living in now. So glad to be home.