Today, as I was feeling really CONFIDENT AND ENERGETIC (lol jk Ive been in bed the past 4 days really ill and today was the first day I can go 5 minutes without coughing my lungs up) I decided to put one of my body experiments to the test.
That sounds like I’m going to chop off a limb. But rest assured, all of my arms and legs are intact. Okay here we go.
Kristen’s Super Official Body Experiment
(Please excuse my really bad memory of trying to write a year 10 science experiment)
Aim: Put myself out of my comfort zone and wear something I wouldn’t usually wear to push my boundaries.
Hypothesis: If I wear the out-of-comfort-zone item of clothing in public I will feel ridiculed and judge myself immensely (Let’s hope it doesn’t go down this path, shall we?)
Equipment: Money. Item of clothing. A pocketful of confidence. Vodka (not necessary but may help)
Buy an item of clothing that I would NEVER EVER EVER BEEN SEEN OUT IN PUBLIC IN EVER
Strut around like I own this shit (even if inside I am bricking it)
Safety/risks: I get pulled back a few steps in myself, but to make progress you’ve gotta do the hard stuff
Result: While traversing up and down the aisles of various clothing shops, I found myself getting nervous and uncomfortable. I felt the eyes of the shop attendants boring holes into the back of my skull and their judgement raining down as I meekly slid past them. My fingers trembled over the racks of clothes, and one nervous knock crashed a whole t-shirt section down. Originally I was trying not to bring too much attention to myself but this had just ruined any chance of that happening. My face flushed bright red as I hurriedly attempted to pick up the shirts and put them back in their place. A pretty, skinny shop attendant came over to me and my face flushed even brighter red.
“Would you like a hand with sizes?”
Those words made my stomach drop to the ground and my body tremble. 7 innocent words, totally twisted in my mind to be used as a weapon against my self esteem. “No, thank you” I managed to utter out as I shoved the pile on top of the rack and skidded out of the store.
The first shop was a total fail. I couldn’t even look through clothes without feeling as though all were judging me for being in there. I decided to pick myself up, dust myself off and attempt round 2.
The next shop had a different vibe about it that I felt a little more comfortable skulking down the isles. The shop attendant didn’t greet me, which was fantastic. A wave of relief washed over me and I was able to go through clothes.
Now the item of clothing I was after wouldn’t be something too radical that everyone in the street would stop, drop their jaw, point and laugh. It had to be something slightly edgy, subtle, but also obvious. Trying to find something like this to suit my body would be super difficult.
Alas, after 15 minutes of trying to avoid the shop attendant and browsing through tiny, skimpy, revealing clothing, I found what I was looking for. Slightly edgy. Subtle. But obvious that this is way out of my comfort zone.
Now if you know me, and even if you don’t, you would know that I HATE showing any part of my stomach or arms. Recently I’ve been feeling a lot more free with my arms showing, which is a huge step in my path to body bliss. But,if any part of my white, pasty, jiggly tummy showed I would immediately find the nearest bin to place myself into.
It was a beautifully patterned navy blue top. It had paisley-like white patterns decorating it. The sleeves just covered the shoulders. Now, this sounds like any ordinary top. But:
There were two slits in the side that went almost up to my bra line.
For $20, should I buy this shirt that I know for a fact I will feel like a total tube of toothpaste in? Will it be like a sausage bursting out of its’ skin? There’s only one way to find out. I purchased the top and the attendant didn’t take a second look. It was like as if I was a normal adult just buying clothing. Which, recently I feel like their peering eyes were saying “You’re too fat to shop here. Go to K-Mart”.
As soon as I made this purchase, I rushed down to the bathroom to try on my new shirt. I locked the door behind me and started to nervously sweat, my fingers struggling to take off the tag and slide it on my body. Once I changed into the shirt I freaked out - the slit goes a LOT higher than I thought it did. I can’t do this, I can’t go out in public like this, I must be insane!
As I walked out of the bathroom, I decided NOW is the time I use that pocketful of confidence. People are more likely to take notice of someone fidgeting, trying to cover themselves up, than someone that is rocking their shit just doing their own thang. I put my sunglasses on, pulled out my septum piercing and just decided to act. completely. normal.
If I felt like the shop attendants were boring holes of judgement into me before, it was nothing to how I felt walking through Melbourne Central, dodging the hoards of people scurrying about. I felt the slits in the side of my shirt wave in the breeze and reveal something apart of me that was always my secret. Always kept hidden. Pale from lack of sunlight or any light at all. I was concerned that people were judging the faded white stretch marks on my hips and the curves of my skin. That they would look through my whole facade of fake confidence with sunglasses. What would happen then?
Floors and floors of beautiful people. Tall, skinny, short, pudgy, a range of races and personalities. The accumulation of differing body types and looks were beautiful. And everyone was rocking their style in their own certain way.
I have to fit somewhere on that too, right? I have to be a part of the beautiful diversity that this city brings?
The sunglasses gave me a little bit more of a confidence boost, because I knew that the people around me wouldn’t have to see my eyes darting timidly from one face to another. After a few minutes of walking around in this top, jeans and sunnies I felt a lot more comfortable. People weren’t pointing and laughing. No nasty comments slid past my ears, no giggles behind hands or hushed insults. It was okay. And once I realised that, that was the moment it was cemented in me that it is okay.
Conclusion: The hypothesis was proven to be wrong. Admittedly, at first I did judge myself immensely and freak out as soon as I stepped out of that bathroom cubicle. When I caught a glimpse of myself in a reflection out of the corner of my eye I did start to freak out. But it’s all alright. I wasn’t laughed or joked at. I stood outside my comfort zone and it was extremely rewarding. As I’m writing this blog entry now I am still wearing this shirt and feeling confident and fantastic.
Push yourself a little bit extra. It will be so rewarding. Also, this shirt fucking rocks. I’m slightly looking more forward to summer time.
