This person I’m talking to is my mother.
She’s abused me my entire life, mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically (when I was younger.)
For the past few years, things have been especially rough for us. We are a family of six (one mom, five kids.) My dad skipped out during the divorce and we haven’t seen a cent in child support. She’s doing her best to make ends meet, and I do what I can to help.
I go to school full-time and work part-time, around 15-20 hours a week. More than half of my paycheck is put away to help with rent and bills. I pay for my own public transportation. I pay for my own groceries, toiletries, clothing, whatever I need. I’m 23, I feel like if I’m still living at home I should be taking care of myself. And still, she manages to make me feel like I deserve this. She makes me feel like I’m in the wrong for preordering a figurine or going on a trip I’ve been saving for. She constantly makes me feel like absolute shit for not spending every dime I earn helping out, no matter how much I contribute, no matter how much I do. She seems to believe I have significant stores of money I’m purposefully hiding from her, and lashes out at me whenever I can’t give her any more money. She is only ever nice to me when I can pay her something. She is mentally unstable, always has been, and she refuses to seek further help or take the meds she was prescribed for her diagnosed depression.
I once lent her my credit card number to help her pay for bills she couldn’t take care of. For the past several months, she’s been using that card to pay for a Match.com membership, with the charges amounting to $130 within the past four months.
I was in dire need of overdue dental work and she offered up her work insurance to pay for it—once you pay for the dental charges, you send in the receipt and they deposit it back into the policy holder’s account. The first refund was for about $230. I never saw it because she, “never checks her account and must have spent it on groceries or something,” when in reality she’s fiscally irresponsible and constantly takes my younger siblings out for dinners and movies and yells at me when she comes up short. We’ve been on final notice for our electricity bill several times. I’ve had to take out emergency loans to pay $1200 in rent she couldn’t cover, twice, so we could keep the roof above our heads. She doesn’t spend money properly and I have to pay for it, almost every time.
It’s worth noting that she doesn’t abuse my siblings. Just me. Calling child services for four other kids would make a much larger and more difficult mess than we’re in.
She yelled at me over the phone while I was at school this afternoon, cursing and verbally threatening me and I hung up on her. I don’t feel like it’s safe to go home. I feel like if I do, she will end up doing something that warrants a phone call to the police (probably either physically threatening me with graphic violence, threatening suicide, or trashing all my shit; she has told me she’s wanted to “punch/bash/stab my fucking face in” more than once.)
I need to get out of this house and the earliest opportunity would be in fall. I’m afraid that isn’t soon enough but I can’t quite afford anywhere else on my own. I really don’t know what to do.
I don’t know why I’m posting this, I’m not looking for donations or anything. I guess I just needed to get it out there. I guess I just needed someone else to know.
vaporwave
baratheonpilled
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