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this is tankwater's meme blog so my notifs dont die

[tankworm]

PEEP SHOW SENTENCE STARTERS ( S4E01 ) change pronouns as needed.

i just think that if our relationship were a sugar bowl, it would definitely be this one.

how the fuck did it come to this?

i’m getting married to a woman i may not love and i’ve got stupid, fashionable hair all over my face. 

 i’m a bearded concubine.

oh, these are nice. try these on.

maybe he’ll become an ethical porn star. 

___, a carton of chocolate milk, a small bag of marijuana and a pirated DVD is not ‘important stuff’. 

you’re sort of ... part of the family now.

but what about your doubts? your crippling doubts? 

or are you just going to bury your doubts until they erupt as a massive stroke and i have to carry you around on my back for 30 years?

that was pub talk. you can’t bring up pub talk in the cold light of day.

it’s all good, my friend. it’s all good.

so, how do you think i’m doing so far?

relax, ___, they like you.

poor bastard.

it’s okay, this is what they do. they go around, shooting crows, and trespassers and eventually themselves. 

so, i’m ___’s bum boy? is that it? 

and what if i don’t? are you gonna shoot me? 

if you shoot me, i’ll shoot you straight back. you do realise that?

congratulations. you’ve killed a sentient being.

wring its’ neck. it’s suffering. 

oh, ___. you’ve pulled its’ bloody head off.

he feasts on the blood of his prey.

you need the love, ___. because the physical stuff, that all goes, inevitably. 

sometimes i feel like i could do with a friend out here.

is this wrong? maybe this is totally normal. 

maybe she just likes having her finger sucked. i mean, i don’t mind, but eventually it’s going to get a little cloying.

he used to enjoy doing lots of things that he doesn’t like doing any more.

it’s almost like a moral decision. except not really, because no one’s going to find out.

oh my god, you didn’t, you fucked her! ___, you need chemical castration, you are out of control! that’s ___’s mother! 

don’t smile like that. you’re not james bond, you’re disgusting. 

it’s full of old crap no one has any use for. maybe that’s why i feel so at home here. ha.

sometimes i wish i had the guts to do something. say something. 

what would you do if you were trapped in a loveless marriage? 

that’ll teach him to put his dick where it’s not wanted.

am i evil? i don’t feel evil. 

floor it. 

[tankworm]

PEEP SHOW SENTENCE STARTERS ( VOL. 1 ) change pronouns as needed.

_____, how do you read? can you teach me to read?

i’m going to sit outside on the balcony all night and read this book. that way, i’ll be cold, and i won’t fall asleep.

are you asking me for sex tips? 

it’s a dildo. i’ve bought a big dildo. i find it quite intimidating, as a man. i mean look at it. it’s like a leg of lamb.

i mean, it might be the sexiest thing ever or it might be a massive disaster. 

he’s juicing my balls! he’s trying to screw her, with my cock!

he’s ... dead. things took a turn for the worse. they took him to the hospital, but it was too late.

i just wish i could’ve said goodbye to him. 

this is my very own anti-drugs commercial. 

what the fuck am i doing in this country, anyway?

you ... like me? 

so, can i ... stay?

if she does wake up, i’ll just say you’re a pervert. or a dope thief. or a sex attacker.

that was some pretty dumb shit you pulled tonight. 

can i get a filter coffee to take away? also, will you ... marry me?

some wingman you are. 

i’m turning him into a super-toddler.

look, i’m sorry, ___. i need to talk to you. have you got any beers in? 

i’m his handyman. it’s just, he did expect me to ... give him ... a hand.

on the one hand, it’s a really good job, but on the other, i sort of never want to go back to that place or have anything to do with him.

you don’t have to be a smackhead to wank off old geezers but it probably helps. 

i wanna go home. 

how long can it take to come up with three minutes of music? 

bet you would, wouldn’t ya? suck one of us off. 

which one of us, then? if you had to pick one of us to suck off, which would you pick?

why have i never thought about drinking in the day before? there’s nothing depressing about that. you can’t be depressed when you’re pissed. it’s not possible. 

are you drunk?

of course it’s a plan. it’s a brilliant plan. i plan, to hit him. what’s not a plan about that? 

who needs romance when you’re doing it up the bum?

don’t go. 

i thought i knew what i was doing with my life, but i haven’t got a fucking clue.

you’re actually going to do this, aren’t you, you maniac? you’re actually going to marry ____ and leave me on my own. 

i know why you’re doing this. you’re marrying her to spite me. 

you’d rather get married for the rest of your life then admit that actually, maybe, i could be right about something. 

i’m not marrying out of spite. i’m marrying out of fear. there’s a very big difference.

women’s prison. it’s probably like one long hen night.

i can apologise for how i’ve done it but i will never apologise for telling the truth, and the truth is that this! woman! is! evil!

god, how did i end up here? and will i ever be allowed to leave?

just don’t go into that corner, because that’s where the guys who like straight-acting tubby homophobes hang out.

are you ... firing me? 

it turns out he does do a hell of a lot of drugs. 

i do think i am probably, definitely addicted to drugs now. 

you smoke marijuana every day, ____, and always have.

give us your TV or i’ll fuckin’ rush ya.

as it is, i am currently failing to find work as a prostitute. 

i know things have been a bit difficult between us over the past couple days, what with the punching, and the blanking, and so on, but you’re a good friend. although i still haven’t totally forgiven you.

the coast is not fucking clear. we’re all going to prison.

the long term plan is sucky fucky.

sucky fucky is not a long term plan!

there’s always a dark side of love. someone’s always going to get a little bit kidnapped.

i don’t like it. it smells of crime.

yep, they all let you down eventually. fruit machines. wives. mates.

this really should not be allowed. this is what men want and we shouldn’t be allowed to have it because it’s horrible and it makes you feel sick.

oh, great. now i’m getting an erection.

men do and say horrible things.

are we gonna be alright? 

[tankworm]

FREAKS SENTENCE STARTERS.

good morning, sluts. 

god. you’re the worst. the worst. 

i want to drown in books.

they got bitches in books? alive bitches?

please go do some pills.

if only i could afford it.

i physically can't stand you. like, you literally trigger my fight or flight instinct. i hope you know that.

you can read?

let’s get a greggs.

you know what i wish was more common in britain? diners.

who kills themselves with their son right there?

i’d be depressed too if i looked like him as a kid.

you have your mothers’ frogginess.

who doesn’t want to be pulverised?

he looks like a tim burton drawing.

he looks like death in the body of a toddler.

god, hurry up.

she’s not my soulmate. 

i fucking knew i recognised her.

let’s just buy a pack of beers and drink them in the street like wastemen.

they’re both lesbians.

if you’re comfortable, you’re not right in the head.

i thought he was gonna be a nice psychopath. 

i just want one good thing, if i’m gonna die. 

what if i’m the dinner?

now you’re gonna try and fuck it.

i don’t respect or like you.

i want you to make me respect you.

we’re all cliches. originality is dead.

don’t ever lose your edge. a little rebellion might do you good. 

bite your tongue and do what they want. even if its infuriating. just for the sake of advancing.

all he needs is some coke and it’s a solid weekend.

we can get high and drunk, it’s fine. 

try not to die. 

everything sounds like drug talk to you, you coke sniffing crack smoking freak.

you know damn well i try and dominate everything i can. 

you’re a gift, you dumb bitch!

a defier of god. that’s me. 

don’t tempt fate.

just swallow it down. along with your pride. 

am i gay?

well, look on the bright side. at least we got the stuff.

i took a dick for you. i took a dick for your escape.

you idiot, did you never learn how to seduce people?

is his cock bigger than mine?

hopefully that’s a psychological defect and not a weird sex thing. 

god, i love seeing you suffer.

mama’s home.

[tankwater]

MISFITS SENTENCE STARTERS ( S01E01 ) 

‘ this is it. this is your chance to do something positive. ‘

‘ you can help people. ‘ 

‘ people out there think you’re scum. ’

‘ show them they’re wrong. ‘

‘ yeah, but what if they’re right? ’ 

‘ some people are just born criminals. ‘

‘ you lookin’ to get stabbed? ’ 

‘ i shouldn’t be here, man. ’

‘ i will rip out your throat and shit down your neck. ’

‘ what makes you think you’re better than us? ’

‘ are we supposed to be able to understand her? ’

‘ this is bullshit! ’

‘ i know you. ’

‘ wanker! ’

‘ don’t act like you know me, ‘cause you don’t. ‘

‘ don’t take this the wrong way but you look like a panty-sniffer. ‘

‘ i tried to burn someone’s house down. ‘ 

‘ you screwed up big time. ’ 

‘ what did you do? ’

‘ how’d you screw that up? you’ve been here five minutes. ’

‘ open the fucking door! ’

‘ we should be dead. ’

‘ we could have died, you dick. ’

‘ i think there’s something wrong with him. ’

‘ are you gonna let me in? ’

‘ the guy’s a total dildo! ’

‘ i need a favour, mate, can i stay at yours? ’

‘ i’m not a slag! ’

‘ i’ll come around, and we’ll hug, and you’ll cry, and i’ll move back in. everybody wins. ’

‘ maybe someone’s trying to kill us. ‘

‘ why would anyone want to kill us? ’ 

‘ i’ll tell you who did it, it’s that banksy prick. there’s a hidden meaning. ’

‘ look at me. ’

‘ they make us do these bullshit little jobs, in these bullshit orange jumpsuits. ’

‘ i’m homeless. that is so embarrassing. ’

‘ feel free to check out my tits, yeah? ’

‘ get your hands off me, you prick! ’

‘ i’m so sick of dealing with scum like you. ’

‘ who’s going to listen to you? you’re nothing. ’

‘ it’s a shame more women don’t commit crime. ’

‘ so how we gonna do this, man? ’

‘ she looks seriously high maintenance. you’d have to treat her really well. ’

‘ a group of young people doing mindless shit all day, face it man, it’s gonna happen. it’s biology! or physics. ’

‘ i heard he was dealing crack. ’

‘ i wasn’t dealing crack! ’

‘ don’t puke in my car, do not puke in my car. ’

‘ he’s gonna kill us! ’

‘ i’ll kick you so hard in the cunt your mum will feel it. ’

‘ i’ve got to have sex with you right now. ’

‘ what is happening to me?! ’

‘ is he dead? ’

‘ this is very, very bad. ’

‘ they won’t believe us! ’

‘ it doesn’t matter what we tell them, they’ll say that we’re lying. ’

‘ if there’s no body, there’s no crime. ’

‘ i don’t want anyone to know. ’

‘ you’re just as screwed as the rest of us. ’

‘ you alright? ’

‘ stop hitting me! ’

‘ if anyone asks, nothing happened. ’

‘ who’s your daddy?! i’m your daddy! ’

‘ who are we to condemn them? ’

‘ that kind of thing only happens in america. ’

[tankworm]

PORTAL 2 SENTENCE STARTERS ( part 2 ). change pronouns as necessary.

get! your! hands! off! me!

i did this! tiny little ___ did this!

wow, check me out, partner! we did it! i’m in control of the whole facility now!

look how small you are down there! i can barely see you! very tiny and insignificant!

don't think i’m not onto you too, lady. you know what you are? selfish. i’ve done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! what have you sacrificed? NOTHING. zero. all you've done is boss me around. well, now who's the boss? who's the boss? ( whispers ) it's me."

i know you.

you’re not just a regular moron. you were designed to be a moron.

no, i’m not listening! i’m not listening! you’re lying! 

I AM NOT A MORON!

COULD A MORON DO THIS? COULD A MORON PUNCH YOU INTO THIS PIT? 

oh, hi. so. how are you holding up? because i’m a POTATO.

he's not just a regular moron. he's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. and you just put him in charge of the entire facility.  ( slow clap )

i’ve got some good news and some bad news. 

ha! i like your style. you make up your own rules, just like me.

just a heads-up: that coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain.

it's you and me against the world, son! i like your grit!

science isn't about why. it's about why not. why is so much of our science dangerous? why not marry safe science if you love it so much. 

in fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.

fired. yes, you. box. your stuff. out the front door. parking lot. car. goodbye.

say goodbye, ____.

this on? [thump thump] hey. listen up down there. that thing's called an elevator. not a bathroom.

say, you're good at murder. could you - ow - murder this bird for me?

no, wait. just kill it and we'll call things even between us. no hard feelings. 

yeah. clickety click click. right on the money.

hey, give ‘em hell, sweetheart!

when life gives you lemons? don't make lemonade. make life take the lemons back! get mad! 'i don't want your damn lemons! what am i supposed to do with these?'

demand to see life's manager! make life rue the day it thought it could give ____ lemons! do you know who i am? i'm the man who's going to burn your house down! with the lemons! i’m going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

even if i am lying, what do you have to lose? you're going to die either way.

listen to me. we had a lot of fun testing and antagonizing each other, and, yes, sometimes it went too far. but we're off the clock now. it's just us talking. like regular people. and this is no joke— we are in deep trouble.

did anything happen while i was out?

and he'll probably kill us, because he's incredibly powerful and i have no plan.

i’m not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one. and that's with some generous rounding.

oh, that's funny, is it? oh it's funny? because we've been at this for twelve hours and you haven't solved it either, so i don't know why you're laughing.

ohhhhh, yes. ohhhh, well done. tremendous.

oh, that felt really good.

you're not going to believe this. i found a sealed off wing. hundreds —HUNDREDS!— of perfectly good test chambers. just sitting there. filled with skeletons. shook them out. good as new!

alright. so that last test was... seriously disappointing. apparently being civil isn't motivating you. so let's try things her way... fatty. adopted fatty. fatty fatty no-parents.

so that's just what i was doing. i was just reading... ah... books. so, i'm not a moron.

i’m sure we’ll be fine.

after seeing what he's done to my facility— after we take over again— is it alright if i kill him?

hello! this is the part where i kill you. 

well, this is the part where he kills us. 

aw. just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. good old friends. not enemies. and i’d say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' and you'd come back. what happened to those days?

fine. let the games begin.

well, no matter. because i’m still holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll full houses! i’ve, uh, never played cards. meaning to learn.

i’m being serious, i think there's something really wrong with me.

look, even if you think we're still enemies, we're enemies with a common interest: revenge. 

you like revenge, right? everybody likes revenge. well, let's go get some.

am I being too vague? i despise you. i loathe you. you arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. you and your little potato friend. this place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!

all i wanted to do was make everything better for me! all you had to do was to solve a couple of hundred simple tests for a few years. and you couldn't even let me have that, could you?

so, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and i'll just take it from here.

yeah,  i'm a black belt. in pretty much everything. karate. larate. jiu jitsu. kick punching. belt making. taekwondo. bedroom.

i am a coiled spring right now. tension and power. just... i’m a muscle. like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. oh yeah.

do you have a gun? because i should really have a gun.

what is that thing you’re holding?

how about a knife, then? you keep the gun, i'll use a knife.

get dirty with this robot! this robot owes you money! this robot owes! you! money!

we will both die because of your negligence. 

what, are you still alive? you are joking. you have got be kidding me. 

yes, well, now we’re all going to pay the price.

i thought you were my greatest enemy. when all along you were my best friend. 

the best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one.

you dangerous, mute, lunatic.

just go.

[tankworm]

PORTAL 2 SENTENCE STARTERS ( part 1 ). change pronouns as necessary.

hello? is anyone in there? 

are you going to open the door, at any time?

say ‘apple’. aaa-pple. 

you just jumped. what you’re doing there is jumping.

it’s not out of the question that you may have a very minor case of serious brain damage. 

if you don’t help me, we’re both going to die. alright? 

oh my god. you look terrib— um, good. looking good, actually.

and who’s fault do you think it’s gonna be when management comes down here and finds ten thousand flippin’ vegetables?

god help you.

rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. to share.

this next test is very dangerous. 

you have trapped yourself. congratulations. 

please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.

hey! oi oi! i’m up here!

i’m ... not dead! i’m not dead! HA!

okay, look. i wasn’t going to mention this to you, but i am in pretty hot water here. 

i can’t move, though. that’s the problem now. 

on the floor. needing your help. the whole time. all the time, needing your help. 

what are you doing, are you just having a little five minutes to yourself? fair enough. you’ve had a rough time. 

umm. yeah, i can’t do it if you’re watching. 

can’t do it if you’re leering at me. creepy. 

oh! oh, don’t leave me behind!

ohh, that was amazing! do it again!

don’t make eye contact, whatever you do...

and she will probably, definitely kill us, if she’s awake. 

so, if you’ve got any reservations whatsoever about this plan, now would be the time to voice them. 

okay, i’m gonna lay my cards on the table: i don’t wanna do it. i don’t wanna go in there.

what a nasty piece of work she was, honestly. like a proper maniac. 

then there was this really long chunk of time where absolutely nothing happened, and now there’s us escaping now. that’s it, you’re up to speed.

quick question: have you been working out? 

because there’s no evidence of it. 

AH! sorry, i just looked down. don’t recommend it. 

what’s the worst that could happen? oh. oh wait, i just thought of something. oh, i just thought of something even worse.

just jump. jump into the abyss. 

let there be light.

that’s, uh, god. i was quoting god. 

okay! no, don’t worry, don’t worry! this should slow it down, don’t worry, i’ve got this. nope. no, that made it go faster. okay.

okay. okay. okay. listen. new plan: act natural. we’ve done nothing wrong. 

oh ... it’s you. it’s been a long time. how have you been? 

i’ve been really busy being dead. you know. after you murdered me. 

we’ve both said a lot of things that you’re going to regret. 

i think we can put our differences behind us. for science. you monster.

this will be our only chance to talk.

here, let me get that for you.

you know, if you’d done that to anyone else, they might have devoted their entire existence to exacting revenge. 

this place really is a wreck.

but the important thing is you’re back. with me.

sorry about the mess. 

i’ve really let the place go since you killed me. thanks for that, by the way. 

not bad. i forgot how good you are at this.

here come the test results: you are a horrible person. i’m serious, that’s what it says. a horrible person. we weren’t even testing for that. 

if it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.

i’ll give you credit, i guess you are listening to me.

try to avoid the garbage hurtling towards you.

remember before when i was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? that was a metaphor. i was actually talking about you.

you broke it, didn’t you?

you look great, by the way. very healthy.

look at you. sailing through the air majestically. like an eagle. piloting a blimp.

when you die, i'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. that way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.

—a bloody bird! i know, right? couldn’t believe it either. and then the bird—

okay, look, the point is— i’m going to break us out of here! soon, i promise!

let’s just say he won’t be ... well, living any more.

that jumpsuit you’re wearing looks stupid. that’s not me talking, it’s right here in your file.

well, you know the old formula: comedy equals tragedy plus time.

i thought about our dilemma, and i came up with a solution that i honestly think works out best for one of both of us.

federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.

you just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.

what’s going on? who turned out the lights?

okay, to recap: we are escaping. that’s what happening now, we’re escaping. so just keep running, you’re doing great. 

how stupid does she think we are?

we have to get you out of there!

she’s bringing the whole place down! hurry!

follow me, we’ve still got work to do.

okay. alright. so, i’ve got an idea, but it is bloody dangerous.

ooh. it’s dark down here, isn’t it?

okay, this looks dangerous. i’ll hold the light steady.

are you alive down there?

done! hacked!

i, uh... don't have any bullets. are you gonna give me any bullets? 

uhhhh... blam! blam blam blam! i'm not defective!

oh! i’ve just had one idea, which is that i could pretend to her that i’ve captured you, and give you over and she’ll kill you, but i could go on ... living. so, what’s your view on that?

oh, thank god! you saved my bacon, pal. where we going? is this a jailbreak?

okay, i’m about to start hacking. it’s a little more complicated than it looks from your side. it should take about ten minutes, so keep one eye on the door.

bring your daughter to work day. that did not end well. 

the whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. 

don't worry, i'm absolutely guaranteeing you 100% that it's this way ... oh it's not this way.

hold on now, i might not have thought this next part completely through.

that’s funny. i don’t feel corrupt. in fact, i feel pretty good. 

have i ever told you the qualities i love most in you? in order: number one: resolving things, love the ways you resolve things. particularly disputes. number one, tied: button-pushing. two things I love about you: button pushing and the ability to resolve things. chiefly disputes. now push that button.

i hate you so much.

don’t do it. don’t you dare. 

i just added that to the list. it's a list i made of all the things you've done. well, it's a list that i AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though i'm telling you to stop. stop, by the way.

get your hands off me! stop! no!

what, what if this hurts? what if this really hurts? oh, no, i didn’t think of that.

you didn’t do anything. she did all the work.