Welcome to the Kingdom

I'm Sammie and I think I'm funny

[enki2]

[stephocrates]

corporate ppl are always like “i hate email comms they cause so many delays” but those people are fools. i crave communication delays. i hit send on an email and then immediately shoot a prayer up to the heavens that the response may take 2-3 days. let’s slow everything down just a bit thank you.

[stephocrates]

this is the most productive workforce in history and im just doing my part to dial that back a tad

[snaxle-deactivated20260531]

big enjoyer of shitty media that i would never recommend to people ever in my life

[greelin]

“counterspell” or as i like to call it “Nuh uh”

[greelin]

wagging my finger and everything

[athelind]

talk to the mage hand

[tentacleteapot]

[ernmark]

Just learned about garden path sentences.

They’re basically a literary prank– the sentence starts out in such a way that you think you know where it’s going, but the way it ends completely changes the meaning while still being a complete and logical sentence. Usually it deals with double meanings, or with words that can be multiple parts of speech, like nouns and verbs or nouns and adjectives.

So we get gems like

The old man the boat. (The old people are manning the boat)

The complex houses married and single soldiers and their families. (The apartment complex is home to both married and single soldiers, plus their families)

The prime number few. (People who are excellent are few in number.)

The cotton clothing is usually made of grows in Mississipi. (The cotton that clothing is made of)

The man who hunts ducks out on weekends. (As in he ducks out of his responsibilities)

We painted the wall with cracks. (The cracked wall is the one that was pained.)

[wizardarchetypes]

I think the funniest possible thing to do in a low stakes situation when someone subtly insults you is to ask them to elaborate.

In Seattle I was explaining environmental DNA and a woman said it “tickled” her to hear someone with my accent (rural Appalachia) “talk about science.”

So I said, “oh! 🙂 What an interesting perspective. Can you tell me more about what you mean?”

As you can imagine it went badly for her very quickly.

[despazito]

Finally got a clear shot of noonoo carrying her spring, it's her favourite toy

[whydidisavethistomyphone]

[the-goddess-of-annoying]

please tell me that everyone else also scrolled down, saw the caption on the second photo, and scrolled back up to double-check

[petermorwood]

Now you see me...

[solarsyrup]

be honest. are you guys only hanging out with me because of the prophecy.

[heartshapedbasil]

your man doesn’t have the mental strength to caramelize onions 

[maplebungus-deactivated20221118]

your man thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions

[dadbodbobby]

Who’s fucking carmelizing onions?

Have you sociopaths forgotten that apples exist?

[fuckdamn]

do you think caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions

[vexwerewolf]

your man thinks caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions

[writeblrsupport]

This is your reminder that no matter how little you write, as long as you love to write and continue to write, you're doing brilliantly. You're a writer. You are loved.

[filmnoirsbian]

I'm struggling to even type this but... Yzma from the Emperor's New Groove was lowkey an awakening for me

Girl an awakening to WHAT

[urban-spaceman]

Absolutely mad respect 2 anon

[papasmoke]

Halloween is the closest to communism America gets, there's a level of communal care for children, cars are discouraged, slightly better stuff on tv, sexy vampires witches and ghouls everywhere...

[wutario]

​love how this post implies communism means more sexy vampires

[papasmoke]

It does

[sergle]

FedEx: shits on my box, stomps on my box, kicks it, dumps gasoline on it, throws one of my chickens into the back of the van UPS: whispers at my front door “is anyone home” as quietly as possible before leaving a “we missed you!” note, tries to gaslight me into thinking my address doesn’t exist USPS: sets my package down gently where it’s not visible from the road, knocks on the door and kisses me directly on the mouth

[theuntoaster]

Is this…shipping discourse?

[frances-baby-houseman]

Amazon once threw a package at my door and then took a photo while it was midair. Not sure where that fits in this schema but I did want to tell y’all about it.

[somerandomgit]

[kristina100000]

this is actually insane men are unwell

[glitterandsalt]

Into the volcano with him

[severedned]

It gets worse. So much worse.

[lynati]

…Four years together, and he still didn’t trust her enough to tell the truth? Their dog was sick, and he USED IT AS A TEST to see what she’d do, instead of telling her the truth and saying he’d take care of it?  He didn’t hear that she sold the violin and IMMEDIATELY break down, tell her the truth, get it back from her and tell her that she didn’t have to worry about how they’d pay for their beloved pet’s medical treatment, and apologize profusely for having his own head stuck so far up his ass that he let her stress over it in the first place? YES. THE ENTIRE MAN.

[secretsunkept]

I am so so incredibly sad for her. Being with someone who doesn’t pull their weight in a relationship is so fucking tiring. You’re always exhausted & resentful because you know you deserve better. She had to sell her own possessions & work her ass off for YEARS & he never thought she deserved more than what she had. He could’ve done so much shit for her out of love but instead saw nothing wrong with her struggling…..? He has to be a psychopath…..

[elephantintheroom]

This is truly awful - he put her in a bad financial position with unnecessary stress FOR A TEST

[secretsunkept]

I googled it because I had to know how sis was.

GOOD FOR YOU SIS!!!!!!!

[romcommunist]

no alcohol in this flask girl this is miso soup

[obe]

[itbrennan-deactivated20190203]