How do I try and convince my persecutors to start healing?
honestly? you can't, full stop. at least, not in my experience.
before this sounds like all hope is totally fucking lost to the void, it's not. it's just that this type of thing has to do a lot with autonomy. when my system came at me with the goal to convince me to do anything, i didn't do it. i dug my goddamn heels into the ground on it. i barely had freedom anyway, living with these assholes i didn't ask for in this body i didn't want with only limited time for myself.
but when max, my host, came at me to ask how i was? to ask if i wanted anything? to ask if she could do anything to make me feel more safe or less restricted? oh, i dug my heels in then too. but then i realized she was being genuine. she didn't want or expect shit from me. she genuinely, for some reason i still can't wrap my head around, wanted to be kind to me and extend to me the opportunity to be an equal. even with all the awful shit i did to her and the others, she still kept pestering the fuck out of me until i really got it hammered in that it was actually about ME. it wasn't about her trying to get something. it was about making me feel less shitty. it was about giving me some control over our life, same as the others had it, even when i really didn't fucking deserve it.
i healed on my terms from then on because i knew that even if nobody else understood or gave a damn, at least max was in my corner while i figured my shit out. she was willing to listen to me and my reasoning, even if we disagreed. even if i didn't really have reasoning. even if i didn't understand either, because she gave a shit about me as an individual.
she made it a point to check on me every day, multiple times a day. ask how i was. ask if i wanted to come cook with her or front for a while to make art or whatever else. ask how i was feeling. really stupid mundane shit. and i was mean as hell back to her at first, because nobody's ever been fucking nice to me without an ulterior motive... but she was. she still is. she's one of my closest friends now and i'd fucking lay down my life for her, metaphorically speaking. i'd set the world on fire to keep her safe because god damn it, she would do the same for me and i trust that.
so basically, what i'm getting at here is that persecutors have feelings too. we have logic and reasons for acting how we do, even if it doesn't make sense to everyone else. you can't go into this wanting or expecting something. you've gotta put your own motives aside and meet them in the middle, because we can generally tell when you actually care about us and our healing versus when you just want us to be tamer and more complacent for your own personal gain.
the healing comes later. first, you've got to take steps to make an environment that feels safe and conducive for change. we don't typically want to change because being how we are is what's kept us alive, in our minds. it's the difference between life and death for a lot of us. most of us put up with a whole lot of abuse both inside and outside the system, so coping with it however we want is the very little bit of freedom we have. we don't want to "heal", usually. we want to be safe and we want to be heard and we want to be seen. once those needs are met, then we might re-evaluate.
i hope this makes sense. good luck.
