A Writer's Paradise

I use words to heal. I’m a survivor who struggles. [insta: @tarrashereepoetry]

[tarrasheree]

Hey guys, welcome to all my new followers!! My writing has been centered on my healing and mental health lately, feel free to follow my instagram @tarrashereepoetry for my most recent works and daily posts - next ten followers will get an immediate follow back and some post love 💕

[tarrasheree]

I was asked by my therapist to write a letter to my 8 yr old self (the age I was when I was first molested), this is my second draft of the letter.

[tarrasheree]

[tarrasheree]

I have been fairly quiet on tumblr lately, having a lot of personal issues and some medical ones - as well as therapy twice a week for my C-PTSD 🤷‍♀️ (this is me thrusting my hands towards the ceiling).

I’ve also been working on my novel (which I’ve been thinking about posting snippets on here but am unsure).

I have a lot of uterus issues, mostly that my uterus is a huge dick. I have to get paps every 3 months and I’ve already had surgery 4 times this year, most recently a week ago when they removed part of my uterus. And I may have pulled an internal stitch - ouch.

Anyway, my point is that I’ve really neglected this blog and have felt a sense of shame and guilt for posting a lot of my poetry - since most of it is centred on my healing process and the negativity feelings I have. BUT after abandoning this for days on end I have received SO MANY wonderful messages about how my words are connecting with other survivors, how it’s helping them voice their own feelings and confront their demons.

I know this is long, but I hope you’ve all made it this far because this post is for you. A GIANT thank you. An I love you. A please message me for anything, big or small, and I will be here for you. You are so strong and I am so lucky to have such wonderful people find something in my words, you all make my heart full.

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

[tarrasheree]

For anyone who follows my instagram, you may have noticed a small trend in my last couple of poems.

I am currently going through a big change in my life. I go to therapy twice a week (once with a normal therapist and once with a sexual assault/violence/rape crisis therapist). I am on my healing journey. My two best friends have stopped speaking to me, one told me that I am too unreliable at the moment because my moods are erratic, and one started ignoring me out of nowhere. This second one is now posting about people with ptsd and trauma issues and how they hang on to the trauma.

Hold up.

Someone who has never had a traumatic experience, in the ways that I have, is publicly condemning the way I am trying to heal? Telling me I can’t keep this trauma, that I can’t sit with it and acknowledge it and learn to live a happy life? Should I go back to repressed memories and unending sadness? I was a CHILD when this started, I literally have no identity without these parts of myself and I AM OKAY WITH THAT! IT IS NOT A BAD THING. I can have my trauma and my strength, my healing, my self! It is MINE. I feel personally attacked.

I am alone. I currently have zero friends to count on, I don’t talk to my family about this stuff, and all people I would usually talk to have taken my secrets and pain and used it as a weapon against me.

It is not some magical cocoon that will make me a perfectly well rounded individual if I suddenly let it go. It is a ghost that will haunt me forever. People that say we aren’t our trauma, or that we can’t let it define us, HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED IT. It does define me. It defines the person I am today, the way I interact with people, the way I love and write. Without it I’m not me. Horrible, disgusting, cruel things happened to me. I wish they hadn’t, I wish bad things never happened, but they do and they did. They are as much a part of me as my skin and bones, as the beat of my heart.

I’m getting very off topic. I can’t even remember why I was writing this. Maybe because I have no one and I need to vent, I’m sad and angry and also exquisitely happy and strong.

[tarrasheree]

A two part fuck you.

[tarrasheree]

Currently in China, and my hotel room has its own spa/sauna fed with water from the natural hot springs 😍

[tarrasheree]

I leave for China tomorrow! Can’t wait to escape winter and see somewhere new 💕

[tarrasheree]

If I write about it, I can heal - right?

[tarrasheree]

[tarrasheree]

📝📝 #typewriterpoetry #typewriter #textpost #poem #poet #prose #poetry #poetsofinstagram #words #writer #writing #wordporn #writersnetwork #writersofinstagram #art #bymepoetry #herheartpoetry #heartwrds #write_o_mania #spilledink #feelings #empathypoetry

[tarrasheree]

“However we free the darkness of our soul That is art” 💕

[tarrasheree]

I haven’t posted on here in a bit, they’ve been sporadic. I’m posting more on my instagram lately (so if you want daily posts that’s where you will find them loves).

I’m going through a low point in my healing, I think about how much easier it would be for everyone around me if I wasn’t here. How I’m taking up space. That I don’t deserve the life I have, because I’m throwing it away. I think about dying a lot. And this is the most honest I’ve ever been about it. I tell my family I’m okay and I lock myself away and hope everything disappears, including me. My friends aren’t the kind I can open up to, when I’ve spoken to them they tell me “everyone is sad” or “you need to get over it” and my favourite, “you’re lucky he’s so hot” (about the man who sexually assaulted me). So I tend to keep quiet about my nightmares, the constant panic attacks, the sleepless nights, the sadness that is drowning me, anger bubbling below the surface, hands that never stop shaking, electricity that piles in my veins making me feel too much... I feel guilty for feeling these things.

Anyway. Enough blubbering from me.

This is meant to be me apologising for my absence, you probably haven’t even noticed but at least I sometimes feel like people understand me here.

I’ll try and get some writing up for all of you, maybe I’ll write something in the next couple of hours...

Love xx

[birdloaf]

Why did you become an artist?

ive always hated making money and being taken seriously

[tarrasheree]

🍭💔✨

[tarrasheree]

Things I need to remind myself 🔥

[tarrasheree]