Tas

𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒎𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕, 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒔𝒐𝒖𝒍

[taspip]

I guess I imagined a version of you that actually doesn’t exist in real life. A total disappointment!

[taspip]

You show up in my dreams. Every night.

Every night since I realized we’re not meant to be together in this life.

Every night since I told myself meeting you was just… normal.

Every night since I tried to tell myself you were just a crush, nothing too special.

Every night since I decided not to confess, because I know I’ll never be more than a mere friend in your eyes.

Every night since I thought I could live without you.

Every night since I wanted to stop picturing you as mine.

Every night since I tried to move on.

Every night since I accepted that I can do everything — except make you mine.

And I feel so, so tired—

seeing you in my dreams

and not even being able to claim you there.

Such a loser, aren’t I?

0ctober 16, 2025

[taspip]

Unanswered thoughts.

Today, my family decided to go to 'your city' for vacation. I wonder, while planning this trip, did they realize — even for a fleeting moment — that somewhere within its streets lives a person who stole their daughter's heart, the one who isn’t even aware of this terrible crime he committed without knowing?

Did they?

Nah.

Not at all.

Because that’s how their daughter has always been: silent, carrying the heavy world of her own feelings alone. She never told anyone about the emotions that keep her awake through endless nights — not even the person who causes her quiet laughter and sudden, aching sadness. He doesn’t even have the faintest clue.

While the night keeps her company, she quietly wonders if he even thinks of her — the way she can’t stop thinking of him.

22 September,2025

Monday

5:21 am

[taspip]

I can feel it again. I’m losing control of myself again. After months of trying to stop myself from falling for a certain person, only to realize that I can’t help but fall for him more. Just one normal convo after months, and I’m already losing it. Oh lord, save me!

[taspip]

Insecurities.

Today, I was scrolling through the old pictures of mine — the ones from when I didn't know much about the cruel side of the world, of its people. When I was still in a bubble, thinking the world was a pretty palace where I was the most loved princess. The time when I was so confident and pretty. Good grades, a thin body, a pretty skin tone. When I was such a blessing for everyone. At least that's what that lil old me thought.

But now?

Now I can't even recognise myself when I look in the mirror. Who is this girl? Where have her pretty features gone? Where is her confidence? Where are her good grades? Where is the old little girl — the most lovable one? Now, all I see is an ugly-looking girl with bad grades, who is hated by the people she once thought were her closest. A girl who just thinks about passing the exams rather than making good results. A girl who's scared to be with her prettier friends because it makes her feel even uglier. A girl who doesn't take photos of herself because she's afraid she'll look worse than before. A girl who sticks to basic dresses because she's afraid her old clothes won't fit the way they used to. A girl who hears, "You're such a disgrace to us," and then whispers to herself in the mirror, "You're actually such a disgrace to all." A girl who feels so lost among the crowds of people. A girl who has social anxiety. A girl who is so ashamed of her own existence thinking she's just a burden to the world.

But did she ever want to be the way she is now?

Never.

Did she willingly become the way she is today?

Never.

Thanks to those face-masked people who slowly destroyed her — destroyed her confidence, her respect for herself. Destroyed the little, innocent girl who just wanted to make the people around her proud. They made her reckless, someone who now doesn't even care whether she lives or dies. The word "love" now terrifies her. How could she ever expect to feel it from a complete stranger when she couldn’t even get a trace of it from the people who had been in her life all along? Trauma is now the most meaningful word in her life. Thanks to those "good" people around her for making her feel worthless. Thanks to them.

18 September,2025

Thursday

6:00 am

[taspip]

I can't remember.

​I can't remember the last time I came back from school happily. I can't remember if I was actually happy back then. I can't remember if those days ever existed. I can't remember if I was there, feeling all those emotions that feel like dreams now. I can't remember if there ever was an eight-year-old me who existed. I can't remember the last time I knew the world was too good to be bad. ​I can't remember the last time I had that childish innocence inside, which is long forgotten now. I can't remember the last time I thought I was the happiest person alive in this world, and I felt so grateful for the way I was. I can't remember the last time I felt that I was wrapped in love. I can't remember the last time I slept without a heavy blanket of worries covering me. ​I can't remember the last time I saw people as saints, pure as brand-new white ink. I can't remember the last time I was the blessed child whose parents were so proud of her. I can't remember the last time I was a young child full of dreams, thinking the world wouldn't shatter them like fine pieces of glass. I can't remember the last time I didn't have to think twice before saying or doing something for fear of not being accepted in this great society. ​I can't remember the last time I wasn't traumatized because of not being acknowledged about things happening around me. I can't remember the last time I tried to fly like a young free bird with the vision of flying over seven seas and thirteen rivers. I can't remember the last time I cried tears of so much happiness happening in my life. I can't remember the last time I didn't have to fear about what people would say if they heard. I can't remember the last time i thought the world was a Cindrella's palace, not a cage where Cindrella was locked up. I can't remember the last time I felt this friendship was going to last a lifetime. I can't remember the last time I played with the sand, trying to make a sandcastle where I was going to be the only lucky princess. ​I can't remember the last time I felt so pretty and confident enough to exist. I can't remember the last time I was in fear of getting lost in the crowds full of people. I can't remember the last time I was the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect friend, the perfect girl, the perfect human with no scars.

I can't remember the last time I was me.