Don’t I look foolish. The two girls I’ve had a meaningful connection with aren’t looking for anything and I feel like a kid walking in circles screaming out, “HEY IM LONELY TOO’’. I want each of them to grow and gain the sense of self they strive for but I cant brush off that selfish grotesque part of myself that says, Well what about my loneliness? What about the empty feeling inside me? It’s not a rejection but it feels like a distancing. You tell me I’m perfect and yet you can’t do anything about it. And for that I feel like trash. Because then I’m throwing out the “nice guy” card. a nice guy isn’t understanding. I want to act and feel from a place of empathy and understanding. So I fight and I claw to escape the lonely part that want to scream out. Because I fear the judgement not from others, but from myself. I’d create another memory that keeps awake in bed frantically tossing and turning trying to tell myself, “next time you won’t do that”. “Next time, you’ll be able to bear the burden and see the positive” Nah, imma just lay here and try and close my eyes harder”