Original: “The sun had set leaving a dim and cloudy dusk to comfort my opulent heart. A salty breeze whiffed through me as fear chewed on my skin.
For so long my intentions were stagnant… and up until now my body hadn’t processed the changes that are taking place. This realization ignited a wave my mind was unaccustomed to feeling. Long forgotten dreams made my heart drool with anticipation… eager to be free a new self began to emerge, melting the old one. The polarity and intensity of the transformation made my knees wobble, forcing me to the ground against the grainy sand. Silently I wept for the ghastly winds to give me strength and power.
Time at this moment was nonexistent and before I knew it the moon was pouring it’s reflection into the dark water and lighting the island a soft indigo; soothing my swollen eyes. Slowly I lay my head down, and started praying to the sea, asking for guidance and healing.”
Revision: “I’d been walking the shore for hours when I noticed a sliver of the sun was visible. Everyone was stuffing their bags in a rush to avoid the wind that filled the coast at night.
A pink hat blew past me as a toddler ran after wailing for someone to help her catch it. Her arms stretched out, she did her best to keep up with the wind but tripped and fell — sand plastering her face.
“Lyla!” Shouted a woman as she jumped and snatched the hat. She saw me looking at her and squinted her eyes.
“Why didn’t you help her?” She interrogated. Staring back at her, I wondered why the thought didn’t cross my mind.
“I-uh…” stammering to put together a sentence, the girl began wailing again.
Shaking her head, the women pushed past me to comfort her. An abrupt gust surged, causing me to dig my heels in the sand and forcing the hat from the woman’s hand; Lyla screaming in anguish. The woman tried to grab the hat as it floated above her but I seized it as another gust attempted to push it farther. Lyla stopped screaming and the women stared at me bewildered.
“Sorry,” I muttered, holding the hat for them to take. Timid, the girl took the hat and placed it on her head.
“Th-thank y-you,” she managed to say through hiccups.
Inching towards me, she opened her arms for a hug. When I didn’t open my arms in return, she hugged my thigh. Goosebumps traveled my body sending a chill up my spine. My chest felt warm, and a small flutter in my stomach forced a smile on my face. It was uncomfortable as this was the first sensation I had felt in weeks, and it chewed on my skin. My knees shook, forcing me to the ground.
Looking at me with distaste the woman furrowed her brows and grabbed Lyla by the arm, “Let’s go.”
As they walked the opposite direction, I realized how much time had passed; the moon was pouring into the ocean, lighting the coast a soft indigo.
Deciding to lay down, I closed my eyes and began to weep. They felt swollen and hurt.
My mind was drooling in anticipation. Eager for freedom; relishing the idea of melting my old self and creating a new one.
Why did I have to be so hollow? For so long I’ve been a stranger in my own body. Pounding fists into the ground, I begged the wind to impart strength, to bestow power. If I could hold myself the way it does, I could blow through anything standing in my way.
Shivering, I realized it was bitter cold and my body was numb.
Time at this moment was nonexistent. Trembling, I prayed… Asking for guidance and healing.”
As with life, it’s imperative to maintain a steady climb of growth. Acknowledge your weakness. Observe your work objectively. Keep learning. Improve your strengths.
There is nothing unique about my revised version, but I learned more skill by doing it. I learned to avoid flowery description that distracts the reader. To focus less on expressing feeling and emotion - and more with describing feeling and emotion. I learned that the overuse of adverbs complicates your writing and often times you can create a more vivid scene without them. I learned to be wary of redundant phrases.
I know that there is more to learn.
Keep trying, keep working, and keep moving forward. That’s all that matters. Your end goal will be achieved if you have the drive to grow.