Β Β Β Β Β Β The cold February night Byron and his homeboys were shot was definitely the worst night of my life. Before I learned about the shooting, it had been the best day of my life because Iβd received a full-ride scholarship to NYUβs Tisch School of the Arts. Iβd found my way out of West Baltimore but my joy was cut short because the only boy Iβd ever loved was shot five times and was fighting for his life. I remember going to the crime scene and seeing the black Ford Expedition riddled with so many bullet holes. There was blood everywhere and even though it had happened hours before and I wasnβt there when it happened, I could still hear his screams and his cries for help. My breath was taken away. My heart was taken away.
Β Β Β Β Β Β By that summer, he was still in a coma and I was depressed. I was barely eating anything and I only wore black. I never hung out with my friends and I only left my house to practice dance routines at the studio. All I could do was think about my Byron and pray that heβd make it through. For some reason, our last conversation would always pop up in my mind. It wasnβt an argument or anything like that. Our last conversation was about me having his back no matter what. His last words to me were, βNever let me go.β It was so random but I didnβt even think about it at the time he said it. I didnβt understand how important those words would be later.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βAre you sure you donβt want to go with me?β my mama asked me as she put in her earrings. βYou know Lynn and Gayle wonβt mind.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βMa, itβs a ladiesβ night out,β I said. βYβall go have fun.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βYou sure?β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βYes, Iβm sure. Youβve been working all week and you need to have some fun for a change. I have some reading to catch up on.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βReading? You just graduated high school a couple of months ago and youβre reading?β She laughed and shook her head. βWhen I graduated high school, the last thing I wanted to do was read something that reminded me of classwork.β She noticed that I wasnβt laughing and came over to the sofa where I was sitting. βSweetie, I know this year has been difficult but you have to keep your focus on your future. Youβre going to New York in a few weeks to start a whole new life.β She softly stroked my hair and sat down beside me.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βHow can I start a new life when Byron will still be here? What if he never wakes up, mama?β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βKyle, I know you love that boy but what happened to him isnβt that much of a surprise.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βMamaβ¦β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βNo, you need to hear this. I have been walking around here on eggshells for months hoping that youβd move on but itβs gone on too long now. Byron was a thug. Heβs in that stupid Lafayette Street Killas gang and he sold drugs. He couldnβt even be with you in public. I do not understand what you saw in him. Iβll never understand it.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βYou could never understand it because my connection with him is unexplainable, mama. Itβs like heβs a part of me and Iβm a part of him, and when weβre together thereβs this overwhelming sense of unity. Weβre complete opposites but we fit together so perfectly.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βYouβre going to have to let him go, Kyle. You cannot put your life on hold just so that you can hold onto some shred of hope that heβll wake up out of that coma. What happened to him and his thug friends was unfortunate but he put himself in that situation.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI donβt want to talk about this right now.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βSee, every time I try to get through to you, you shut me down and then you shut yourself down. You canβt keep going on like this, sweetheart. You werenβt the one sitting in that car, he was. Youβre not the one in the coma, he is. Count your blessings and move on.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βCount my blessings? Mama, besides you, Byron was all I had. I shared things with him that you could never understand. He was more than just my boyfriend and my first love, he was mine. I truly believe he and I were put on this earth to be together. And the fact that I canβt be with him right nowβ¦itβs a pain that you could never know.β Tears filled my eyes and I buried my face in my hands.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βIβm sorry but all I want is for you to take advantage of the big opportunity that has been given to you. I want you to get out of this place and never look back. And when you make it big, send money for my cute ass to get out of here.β She laughed and I couldnβt help but look at her and crack a smile. βThereβs that smile I miss.β She hugged me. βI donβt care how old you get, youβre always gonna be my lilβ itty bitty. I love you, baby.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI love you, too, mama.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Me (Kyle McKell)
Β Β Β Β Β Β After assuring her that Iβd be fine, she headed out to have fun with her friends. Instead of reading the novel Iβd planned on reading that night, I decided to just curl up on the sofa and scroll through my phone and look at all of the pics of me and Byron that I had stored on it and on my micro SD card. Some of the pics on my micro SD were from my old digital camera, back when he and I first started talking and I was still a virgin. We spent most of our time in my bedroom talking and cuddling, so most of the pics were in that setting.
Β Β Β Β Β Β I met Byron Patterson on the first day of ninth grade at Frederick Douglass High School. It was after school and I was walking home when a group of boys started picking on me and threatened to beat me up. They chased me down an alley and just as they were about to jump me, Byron and his homeboys came out of nowhere and fought the guys who were messing with me. They whooped their asses and I took off running. I didnβt even realize Iβd dropped my backpack in the alley until Byron showed up at my door with it. My wallet was inside and so was my ID, which was how he found me. He told me he saw the group of guys chasing me and that he rounded up his boys to save me. When I asked him why he did that, he just smiled and then handed me his number.
Β Β Β Β Β Β I learned that day that Byron and his friends back then lived by a specific code. They never harmed children or older people, and they always stood up for people who were outnumbered in a situationβsuch as the one Iβd been in. Byron was my first everything. He treated me like royalty and I was so in love with him. Even when we I did something to make him mad, heβd easily forgive me and then kiss me.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI canβt stay mad at you,β heβd say with that cute smile of his. βHow can I stay mad at my boo?β
Β Β Β Β Β Β I swear whenever he called me his boo, I melted inside. Things changed when he dropped out of school near the end of our tenth grade year. He joined the Lafayette Street Killas and began selling drugs. I wanted him to leave that gang but he said he couldnβt because his brother was a member and when he died, the gang approached him to join. He told them no at first but they threatened to kill him if he didnβt join. So he joined and I hated it, but I wasnβt going to give up on him or our relationship. I stayed with him and we made sure we were careful. The only people who knew about our relationship were my best friend Erika and my mama.
Β Β Β Β Β Β So there I was curled up on the sofa looking at old pics of me and Byron, when all of a sudden I heard footsteps running upstairs. Startled, I jumped up and hurried over to the staircase. I looked up but didnβt see anyone. The lights were off upstairs so I slowly walked up the stairs. When I got up there, I turned on the hall light to see my bedroom door had been closed. I distinctly remembered leaving it open.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βHello?β I called out as I approached my door. βIs anybody in here?β I opened the door and screamed when I saw Byron lying on my bed shirtless. I grabbed my chest because my heart was pounding.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Byron Patterson
Β Β Β Β Β Β βOh, I ainβt mean to scare you,β he said with that smile on his face. βYou aβight?β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βWhat are you doing here? How are you here right now?β I pinched myself. βHave I lost my mind?β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βKyle, you didnβt lose your mind. Boo, Iβm here.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βThatβs not possible.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β He sat up and climbed off my bed and told me, βIβm here.β He grabbed my hand and thatβs when tears filled my eyes. βI need you.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI need you, too.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βNo, I really need you. Boo, you gotta pay close attention because there ainβt much time left.β He stared into my eyes. βYou have to stop them.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βStop who?β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βThe people in my hospital room right now. Theyβre gonna kill me, Kyle.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βIf you donβt stop them theyβll kill me. Itβs not my time. Youβre my only hope, baby.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βBut I donβt understand. How canβ¦β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βNever let me go, Kyle.β He wrapped his arms around me. βNever let me go.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β Before I could say anything else to him, I woke up on the sofa. It was a dream. Iβd fallen asleep on the sofa while looking at the pics of me and him. My heart was still pounding in my chest and I had the strangest feeling in my gut. I put my hands up to my face and thatβs when I realized his scent was all over me. He always smelled of Axe body wash, cocoa butter and a hint of Black & Mild because he smoked those all the time. That scent was on me as if heβd just been holding me. And I kept hearing his voice over and over in my head saying, βNever let me go.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β I didnβt even put on presentable clothes, I just slid on a pair of shoes, grabbed my keys and phone, and dashed out of my house. I figured Iβd get to the hospital faster if I ran, so I ran past the bus stop instead of waiting on the next bus. The urgency in Byronβs voice was driving me by that point. I knew it was only a dream but I had to be sure. I had to know if he was really in danger and if I could save him the way that heβd saved me years ago.
Β Β Β Β Β Β When I got to the hospital heβd been in since February, I took the elevator up to the tenth floor where his room was. I got to the door and paused for a few seconds to catch my breath. I then opened the door and stepped inside to see some of his family and friends gathered around his bed. Sitting next to him was a doctor, who looked like he was trying to remove something.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βStop!β I called out, causing everyone to turn their attention to me.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βWho the hell is this faggot?β asked one of Byronβs homeboys.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI think youβre in the wrong room, honey,β said Byronβs mama. I knew who she was because heβd shown my pictures of her before.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βNo, Iβm not in the wrong room. I know Byron fromβ¦school. I used to tutor him before he dropped out andβ¦β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βGet the fuck outta here!β another gang member shouted.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βNah hold up,β said Dequan, one of Byronβs old friends. βYour name is Kyle, right?β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βYeah. Do you remember me? Remember the guys tried to jump me after school and yβall helped me?β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI remember. What you doinβ here?β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI know this sounds crazy butβ¦itβs not his time.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βItβs time for you to leave,β said one of Byronβs family members.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βNo, please,β I pleaded. βMy grandma used to always say God speaks to us in many different ways, and all we have to do is listen. God spoke to me tonight and he told me that it isnβt Byronβs time. I donβt know when heβll wake up or if heβll be alright after waking up, but he is going to wake up.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βThis is fucked up,β said Byronβs homeboy. βI know yβall not gonna let some faggot ass bitch come up in here and play games!β He reached to the back of his pants and said, βI should smoke this bitch right here.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI wanna see you try,β I snapped at him. βI am so sick of you and your poison. Itβs your fault this happened to him in the first place! He didnβt deserve this! Heβs not bad like you and your fake ass thug wannabe homeboys. Fuck you and fuck the Lafayette Street Killas!β
Β Β Β Β Β Β Everyone lost their cool by that point. We were all shouting at each other and getting in each otherβs faces. All of a sudden, I noticed the doctor leaning over Byron. The machines were beeping faster and louder. The doctor raised his hand and our yelling died down gradually. We all turned our attention to the doctor. The moment I heard Byron wheezing, tears filled my eyes.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βHeβs coming out of his comatose state,β said the doctor.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βOh thank the Lord,β called out Byronβs mama.
Β Β Β Β Β Β The doctor looked at me and informed me, βHad you not walked in that door at the exact time you did, this patient would be dead. I was moments away from disconnecting the machines keeping him alive.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β It only took about twenty minutes for Byron to wake up and get through some excessive coughing. The doctor made us all step out into the hall while he and some nurses checked Byronβs vital signs and other functions. While his fellow gang members still looked like they wanted to kill me, his family were thankful.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI donβt know who you are,β said his mama with tears in her eyes, βbut you saved my babyβs life. Thatβs my only child in there and Iβd given up on the hope of him ever waking up.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βIt wasnβt me,β I told her. βIt was Byron.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β The doctor stepped out of the room and told us, βIn my twenty years of dealing with comatose patients, Iβve never witnessed this. Heβs going to make a full recovery. Heβll need to stay in the hospital for monitoring for two weeks but after that, heβll be able to return home.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βThank you so much, Dr. Radcliff,β said Byronβs mama.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βOh, he wants to see Kyle,β the doctor told us. βHe specifically requested to talk to Kyle in private.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β They all looked at me and I assured them, βHe probably heard me when I entered the room. Iβll tell him youβre all out here waiting to see him.β I stepped into the room and closed the door. There were still some nurses in there moving things around, so I was expecting him to be coded with me in front of them.
Β Β Β Β Β Β He smiled and coughed a little before saying, βDamn, look at you. You look just like you did the last time I saw you.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βYou remember?β I asked him as tears rolled down my face.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI remember everything. Come here, boo.β I sat down beside him and he placed his hand over mine. βIβm sorry.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βNo, you have nothing to apologize for.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βYes I do. I fucked up. Fuckinβ around with that stupid gang shitβ¦β He shook his head. βI canβt even think about what you been goinβ through.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βByron, youβre here and youβre going to be fine. Thatβs all that matters.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βNo, Iβm supposed to protect you. How can I do that if Iβm not here?β He touched my face. βI love you, baby.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β I looked around and laughed nervously before telling him, βByron, weβre not alone.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI donβt care. Iβve been in this hospital a long ass time, ainβt I?β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βYeah, itβs been about six months.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βSix months without seeinβ you and touchinβ you.β He leaned forward and kissed my lips. βI promise you Iβll never leave you alone again. On my life, baby.β He wiped my tears.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI wasnβt sure if I was going to go to New York in a few weeks.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βOh yeah, the dance scholarship. You found out about that the day I gotβ¦β He stopped and shook his head. βYou were gonna stay here because of me? Nah, I wouldnβt have wanted that.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI couldnβt leave you.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βYou know your moms woulda kicked your ass if you tried to stay here instead of goinβ.β We shared a good laugh.
Β Β Β Β Β Β He paused and had this look on his face as if he was remembering something. βYo, I had this crazy dream. I probably had a lot of them but I can only remember this one.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βWhat was it about?β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI was in bed with you in your room and we were about to go to sleep. Of course we were naked.β He laughed and I smiled at him. βSo we was in bed and I told you I had to be somewhere at ten, and that I needed you to wake me up at nine-forty-five.β He looked into my eyes for a second and then turned and looked up at the big clock on the wall. βBoo, when I woke up in this hospital tonight the first thing I did was look up at that clock. It was nine-forty-five on the dot. You woke me up just like you said you would.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β It was in that moment that I realized we really were one entity at times. It wasnβt just some coincidence that we both had surreal dreams and that he woke up from the coma following those surreal dreams. We were meant to be together and there really was no denying it. I was more than just happy that he was going to be alright, I was overjoyed. I had to keep pinching myself to make sure it was really happening.
Β Β Β Β Β Β So after talking and kissing for the longest, he finally explained to me what happened the night he and his homeboys were shot. He told me they were parked outside of a fish market waiting on their food when a white van pulled up and just started shooting. He remembered getting hit once in the shoulder but passed out after that. He had no idea who shot them and when I told him he was the only one in the SUV to survive the shooting, it really sunk in how lucky he was.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Before I left to let him spend time with his family and friends, he told me to do something very important. Heβd stashed a duffle bag full of money under the floorboards of a trap house him and his homeboys did work at. He told me I was the only person he could trust with it, and gave me instructions on how to get into the house without being seen.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βYou gotta enter from the broken kitchen window in the back,β he told me. βThat window is our escape outta the house in case some shit goes down. Sneak in through that window and go into the pantry on the right. The money is under the floorboards in that pantry. Itβs gotta be like fifty thousand in that bag, maybe more.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βWhat do you want me to do with it?β I asked him.
Β Β Β Β Β Β βTake it with you to New York. Put it in an account or somethinβ. Thatβs our money, boo.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βBut what about you?β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI damn sure ainβt stayinβ here. Once I get released from here and I can get around by myself, Iβm outta Baltimore. Iβll come up there with you.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI donβt wanna leave you, Byron.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βIt wonβt be for long, boo. I promise.β He gently placed his forehead to mine. βYou have my word. I love you.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β βI love you, too.β
Β Β Β Β Β Β After leaving the hospital, I did just as heβd said. Luckily, no one was at the trap house. I was able to get the money and take it back to my house. I took it up to my room and hid it in my closet just before my mama came home. I told her Byron woke up and while she still wasnβt ready to accept my relationship with him, she was happy to see me happy. I didnβt tell her about the money and the plan Iβd made with Byron, but I did tell her that I looked forward to going to New York.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Three weeks later, I enrolled at NYUβs Tisch School of the Arts. Iβd been talking on the phone with Byron daily and Iβd put the money in an account with both our names on it. One day after my classes, I had to return to my studio apartment to get something Iβd left behind. I had the strangest feeling in my gut the moment I got to my building. I entered the lobby and dropped all my stuff the moment I saw him sitting there waiting on me. I couldnβt believe it. I had everything I couldβve ever wanted, and he was everything I wanted. And I was never going to let go.
[Disclaimer]: Pictures used do not reflect the sexuality or personality of people in the pictures. They only serve as visual examples of the characters.