There is a story I want to tell you and this story is about Taylor Swift's song, Clean.
Hello. We may have met before, or this may be my first post that you see. There is a story I want to tell you and this story is about Taylor Swift's song, Clean.
I was recording while drawing, but I shot normal video instead of fast motion. Since the video was an hour and five minutes, I couldn't upload it here. There may also be a problem with quality. I can't believe I will finally upload it after all the misfortune. Also the voice you hear in the back is mine. I made a cover for Clean with my ukulele after I cried "a little bit".
1989 days have passed since the song and the 1989 album. I want her to know how meaningful this song is to me. I would be very happy if you tag @taylorswift @taylornation .I never had the opportunity to thank her face to face, but at least I can do it here. Thank you very much with all my heart.
I am fighting cancer for the third time. I lost some of my sight due to cancer. I received chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Especially in my current war, Taylor's art has always helped me. All her songs are pure art, yes, but there are a few very special songs for me. If you're reading this, I don't want to take your time by listing all the songs I love. But today I want to tell you something about Clean. This song is very important for me as a cancer fighter.
The song may be telling the moment when a person completely came out of your life and you realized and accepted it, but there are many different aspects. I think this song is about something that has been chasing you for a long time. It became a part of you.There seems to be no way out of that thing, but you desperately want it to end. You want it to leave you. You have always lived your life according to that thing and all your decisions depend on it, your dreams are limited by it, and because of it, you are in a circle. You try to escape but you just keep turning in that circle. You always find yourself in the same spot. Fight. Win. Start again. Again. Again. That thing is cancer for me.
I would list my favorite parts from the song and it would be a long list. But if I had to, I would choose this sentences.
It was months, and months of back and forth,you're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore.
Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm.
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe.
There was nothing left to do, when the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room.So I punched a hole in the roof, let the flood carry away all my pictures of you. (Pictures from hospital, mostly)
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing.
Said, I think I am finally clean.
Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it.
And why is this song so important for me? I will summarize as much as possible. These parts will be written with italics. You can just skip it if you want. I would like you to read, but of course you don't have to. In this fight, I received ten more cycles of chemotherapy and had a surgery. Everything was slow and terrible. Then they said I needed radiotherapy, but classical radiotherapy was too risky for me. My doctors asked me to go to Germany and get Proton treatment.
After all the slow paperwork, I came to Germany with my mom. But the doctor here said that I would lose my vision after proton treatment. I was asked to decide. I tried to ask for help because this was horrible. I did not get any answers from my doctors who suggested me to get proton therapy before. I felt like they were running away from me because they didn't want to take responsibility.
Among the side effects, the biggest risk was vision loss. I already have very little vision and it is very valuable for me. I don't know how to explain this. it's like an issue between me and cancer. When I was a baby, my first tumor was in my eyes and it stole some of my sight from me. I did not want the cancer to win more. But they said that if I do not receive proton therapy, my disease will recur. So if I wanted to keep my vision to myself, I had to take the risk of a new cancer fight.
On March 20, I met my doctor again from the proton center because other doctors did not talk to me much. She said, "It's been a few months since your surgery. I understand you're waiting for your previous doctors' opinion, but I don't know how much it will work on you even if you take proton therapy."She also said, "If you want, you can save the proton treatment option to the next possible tumor. But you will have an MRI and endoscopy every six weeks. You should be followed by your doctor closely."
And I did that. I chose my vision. I said no to the treatment for now. I came here to the building where I stay with children and their families who are fighting against cancer too. I cried a little. Then I recorded Clean. Maybe it's clear from my voice, I don't know.
So now, I need close follow-ups. But there is no close follow-ups. I am waiting In Germany. Far away from my home and in another country. I can't go anywhere because of the virus. I could not reach my doctors, but now the whole "connection" has been lost due to the virus. I do not know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore but I am trying my best. But now, I just want to be clean.
Thank you for reading this. You can alao find this drawing on Instagram, here.
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