Caprese Cookie Complains About Her Job

TBD's Multiverse Research (and Human Resources) Division

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

Who's the Cookie running this blog?

Hey everyone. I’d figure I’d post a little bio here to introduce myself. 

My name is Caprese Cookie, head of the Time Balance Department’s Multiverse Research Division. (technically a subdivision of the Time Analysis Division). It’s hard to keep track of how long I've worked here, exactly, but I was hired around the same time as Coffee Candy Cookie. 

I’m one of the Director’s special hires, selected for my expertise on humans and experience traveling to universes outside of the TBD’s primary jurisdiction. Special hires are Cookies selected for proficiency in specialized skills (or bootstrapped nepotism. not naming any names but…)

“How did a Cookie manage to get a tumblr blog? This is a human website.”

I have access to a human and stole her login information. It’s fine, I promise. 

“Isn’t TBD related information and training data confidential?”

Probably. But promise me y'all won’t snitch to Dark Fondue Cookie. 

This blog is open for asks! I’ll try to answer what I can. 

The human I work with (her name is Warper) is also available to answer asks @warperrr IMPORTANT: This is primarily a WORK VENTING blog, NOT a "roleplay" blog. While I am happy to answer questions and start general discussions, my patience in playing along with certain things is low. Notice: Cookie Run tags will be used in place of alt/un reality related tags -M

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

trying to explain multiversal time travel with someone who overconfidently thinks they know everything and realizing halfway through that they’re a moron

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

Does knowing potential info-hazards and remembering things your not supposed to normally cause slight headaches??

no but that’s definitely a desynchronosis symptom

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

keep forgetting that there’s no cell reception near the particle accelerators because of the radiation shielding

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

There's... something concerning me about some of the data with life energy and life powder. Timeline K has been a bit of a case study, but it seems there's been a shift in things that started around the time of the Temporal Barrier. SCOOP seems to believe this phenomenon started around the creation of SCOOP-0000, but I'm just not so sure I agree with that conclusion. Related, certainly, but the cause? I don't think so. I'm still trying to piece things together, but I think that group of Witches did something to the life energy across all these timelines. Intentional or not, they and the dragons had their energy drained away until they reformed into cookies. The dragons fought themselves nearly to extinction over food and resources. The ones that remain only retain a fraction of their original power. We know that a large portion of this energy was diverted into life powder and creating cookie life. But I wonder. Is that why humans here eat so many cookies? To survive? Are humans, too, losing their life essence to this shift in the natural order? Is that why the First Coven transformed into cookies? Is that why I'm a cookie? Is that how SCOOP-815 worked?

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

can everyone please learn to tell the portal systems apart so documents stop getting sent to the wrong divisions or just straight up disappearing to who-knows-where?

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

sometimes one of my cheese arms develops sentience and does its own thing and sometimes it decides to punch Dark Fondue Cookie in the face. Out of my control, really

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

are you willing to answer questions about any of your coworkers? Nothing too gossipy, just I figure some people might want to hear about them some more

I mean sure. I can't guarantee I can answer everything since I know some of my coworkers better than others but I'll do my best so ask away

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

I swear to god if I get 40 “urgent” alerts within one work shift again…

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

did I mention how like half the elevators here are perpetually broken and nothing is ever done about it? I've seen Cookies doing maintenance on them before so obviously someone here knows they're broken, but they never actually get fixed so idk what is going on with them. I get that we can just teleport around instead and maybe I'm just being old-fashioned, but we should at least have more accessibility options? You guys can create time machines but not working elevators. Sure.

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

now all the elevators are broken. Fantastic job everyone.

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

missed my lunch break today because Povidone Iodine decided to kidnap me for weird medical experiments

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

this isnt tbd related and might come out as sensitive but .. do you still have a crush on caramel arrow cookie or did you moved on from her? im gen so curious 🔍🔍

I did move on. I still admire her but it was clear nothing was ever really going to happen with her. She cares about the dark cacao kingdom more than anything and it was kind of hard to find things to talk about outside of that.

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

So what is a "multiverse," anyways?

A lot of cookies and humans seem to be confused by the concept of the multiverse, so I figured I'd share a sort of layman's guide on how things work. First thing's first, there are technically different "levels" of multiverse. The best way I can describe this is that there are different contextual meanings for what a multiverse is, but in general it refers to a sort of segmentation of reality/ies. Level 0 (Qualia)

The lv 0 multiverse is basically subjective qualia. In other words, the idea that every conscious being lives in its own version of reality and experiences the world with slight perceptual differences even within members of its own species. Consciousness itself is effectively a sort of multiverse. Level 1 (Semantic) Hubble volumes are effectively the finite areas of infinite space that constitute each "universe" within a set plane of reality. While they exist within the same reality, they are effectively separate universes on account of such vast volumetric differences that prevent even light from travelling any further, therefore making it impossible for those within each volume from interacting without breaking baseline physics. Level 2 (Physical Constraints) some dimensional areas contain pockets of space that do not obey the physical laws of other universes. What actually happens in these distorted areas is unknown and up to theoretical physics to hypothesize. Level 3 (Multiple Worlds) Generally the one people are thinking about when they talk about the "multiverse." Many worlds and versions of reality floating around each other. How they're arranged and to what extent they interact is up for debate; there's no way for us to really directly observe this phenomenon, as we are 3-dimensional creatures that view the world through a calibrated 2d approximation of reality. Yes, there are ways to simulate direct interactivity, but this is more of a tool than anything. note: there are technically different levels of multiverse dimensionality that are categorized under the "level 3" umbrella. Nexuses are complicated and I don't feel like explaining them right now Level 4 (Math) There's a lot of math here. I'm not good at math. Not going to try explaining this one because my brain hurts when I see big equations.

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

Timekeeper has been saying vague things about my “upcoming vacation” lately

This is concerning because: 1. It's Timekeeper 2. the concept of a vacation, let alone PTO, is practically mythological here. No one ever has time to take off when there are temporal emergencies going on constantly 3. I do not have a vacation planned I don't know if this means I'm going to be sent off on some unplanned "vacation" without warning or if I'm actually somehow getting usable PTO despite the multiverse practically being held together with duct tape right now

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

so my headset is broken now (probably something to do with what happened to the phone lines yesterday) and it’s almost definitely not getting fixed anytime soon because it’s low priority but now Dark Fondue is annoyed with me because it’s been harder to communicate with my division and I had to put the one cookie I was able to get on the line on hold for 30 minutes so I could try to locate a time record (I didn’t have it)

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

alright after talking with Almond for a bit and resolving the situation I have a fairly good idea of what happened but oh my god.

The TBD work phones need contact numbers to have origin timelines specified when adding them in. This is done automatically for employees, but can be a challenge to set up for non-employees.

Timeline X Walnut Cookie somehow got my number (more on that later) and because the text was incoming to my phone instead of outgoing, the phone wasn’t sure exactly what timeline it was coming from and which timeline to send messages back to. So it ended up sending my reply message to two timelines (presumably Timelines X and C), which basically added both Walnuts to the same conversation.

Walnut (X) already knows about the TBD so that part isn’t a huge deal but fortunately Walnut (C) didn’t get enough of the conversion to catch on and I was able to convince her it was just a wrong number. Hopefully it was convincing.

Apparently some TBD agents happened to be near Walnut in Timeline C at the time, which probably contributed to the error, but asides from being convinced of some water park “conspiracy,” the kid seems to be acting normally and there’s no timeline divergence detected so far. I’ll keep an eye on things for now just in case though.

As for how Walnut (X) somehow got my number?

Apparently Almond had been expressing his grievances about trying to deal with his daughter running off all the time, and of course Langue De Chat (who is in communication with his helicopter parents practically 24/7) immediately suggested getting Walnut her own phone to keep track of her better.

Almond agreed, but he’s not particularly tech savvy, so he let Langue help Walnut set her phone up. Somewhere in the process, Langue accidentally uploaded ALL of his contacts into Walnut’s new phone 😭

So now this child is going around advertising her detective services to all of his previous clients.

[tbdmultiverseresearchdivision]

Random kid texting me when I’m at work 😭