Distraction In Action

Simple distractions from my complicated life.

[teachlearnlivelove]

place a witty thought on annoyance with self here

im annoyed with myself and my propensity for self sabotage. go to bed! 

[thelovelymadamluna]

This Is Why Your Baby Doesn't Sleep Through The Night

BuzzFeed News speaks to experts to find out why babies aren't designed to sleep all night. It's got more to do with evolutionary biology than you might think.

Probably one of my favorite articles on cosleeping.

[teachlearnlivelove]

Must read!

[teachlearnlivelove]

I never thought I would have the thought: hm, I wonder if I can use stool softeners and antacids at the same time. Pregnancy.

[teachlearnlivelove]

Aaaaaaaand we have a heart beat. Woah. This is real, though I won't totally start celebrating until embryo has been with us for 12 weeks. I feel good knowing at least this pregnancy is viable. No one told me that once we got what we were working so hard to achieve that things would still be so damn scary. Stick with us embryo! Please!

[teachlearnlivelove]

We have the same due date?

My friend who knew we were having fertility treatment, and who knew I was sick of finding out people were pregnant at parties or social events ( where I had to fake happy because I am selfish and baby announcements were causing me tears) called me and told me she was six weeks along. She said she knew I was anxious about it and that she wanted to be sure to tell me right away. I was floored. It is the kindest thing, so thoughtful, to take a pause and be sure I was ok, to think of me at all while filled with her own joy and understand that her news might be hard on me... It meant to world. It was also wonderful to then tell her that we have due dates that are about the same, that was wonderful. I am going to tell this small group of women( 4 of us total), of which this particular friend, who already knows, is a part of, at 8 weeks as we have a dinner date...I know it's risky ( and I won't divulge her pregnancy of course) but if I do experience the worst those three women will be who I tell... I forget that though my husband and I have been going through hell and keeping friends at bay to help ourselves feel safe, people are still just a phone call away if we need them. For now though I am still keeping the happy news of this embryo ( not a fetus yet) close to the chest (though a few people have figured it out) because I haven't even had my first ultra sound yet! Must remain calm!

[teachlearnlivelove]

Next blood test....

Still “pregnant ” but we will see. Haven’t made OB or midwife appointment. Haven’t even seen who I can get under my insurance….just waiting for the next blood test to see if the HCG and progesterone levels are doing what they are supposed to. Until the heart beat ultra sound and my numbers get where they are supposed to be I am going to go forward with a calm ignorance ( or course, not drinking or doing anything stupid). Or at least try not to get my hopes up….it’s only a blastocyst, must keep telling myself that….blastocyst, embryo, fetus. Still two more stages to go before I feel like I can breathe.

For now I stay with the care from my fertility clinic and cling to the few, rare symptoms I have…never have I wanted my boobs to hurt more! So weird!

[teachlearnlivelove]

BFP..... .....but holding off on celebration until official blood test tomorrow. After YEARS it might be real. Not sure what to do with myself. My husband is all smiles and seriously freaking out. Waiting for blood test and then ultra sound (8-12 weeks?) before getting happy. But did do a mini happy dance....we might have done it! We might be pregnant!

[teachlearnlivelove]

I'm not just ttc gorl

Hi! To the tumblr world I am just TTC girl but here are some of my other interests: Teaching! I am about to get my MS in education! My certification will follow soon. Reading. I adore fiction about families, adventures, post apocalyptic worlds, and am rediscovering graphic novels. Television: I love the new version of reruns-->Netflix! Theater! It was my major in undergrad. Hamilton by Lin-Manuel Miranda is my current obsession. I also will always have a soft spot for Shakespeare. I like to cook but would rather let my husband, he is really a very fine chef. Family and friends ( who aren't driving me too crazy) A good G&T ( when I am not in the TWW) Sleep ( when I can) See, there is more to me... But I have to admit TTC with infertility has sort of taken over my life. I promise myself now though, I am not going to forget who I am! Now off to finish a paper and listen to Hamilton for the 57th time ;) Keep your head up ladies. We can do this!

[teachlearnlivelove]

So, hi, this is me waiting for baby. Oh! You are having your third? Great news. 

(head- Thunk- desk)

We TTCers with infertility in the tumbr world keep writing about staying off social media...WHY HAVEN’T WE LEARNED?

sigh. 

[teachlearnlivelove]

EXPLETIVE this.

Day 8 post IUI #3, also cycle day 23 and I started my PMS spotting. I always spot cycle day 21ish- 25ish and then AF joins the show at day 28 give or take. So yeah. Friends keep telling me to keep my hopes up. "It could be implantation bleeding," "some people bleed a little even though they are pregnant," " wait till your test day." Why bother. I know what it will show me-bfn- again. Negative nelly is here and here to stay for the next three weeks....PMS, AF, and non baby making week. Time to beg for clomid? ( I'm already insane, I hear that stuff can put you over the edge if you are as nutty as me). This was our third natural iui with donor sperm. Only two vials left before we have to find a way to pay for more. So is it time? I know others have had it much worse and much harder...I shouldn't complain, but this roller coaster of finding out husband can't have biological offspring and then his brave journey to choosing the donor and now watching me NOT be able to get knocked up. It's BRUTAL! I am young though, we have options! Right? Just as I begin to try and move forward, to plan and take control of something that has shown me there is no control in life, Hope, that perky bitch, pops up: Hope: but but but this might be the one!!!! your boobs really hurt and you are tired! You might still be preggo! Me: shut it. I know my body and this ain't a baby house yet. It's still just me getting ready for AF. Hope: but your best friend had break through bleeding AND a bfn and was still pregnant! It happens! Me: shhhhh, ( sudden urge to go to hope drawer and take out cute onsies and pregnancy books). Hope? Are you making me do this? Hope: just look at the first chapter in that preggo book. Read that section on break through bleeding for the 700th time. Maybe you missed something. ( deep breath, eye roll, wake away). Me: Hope, you can be so...ugh.

[weretrying]

I think some of us know this feeling all too well…

[teachlearnlivelove]

Couldn't agree more.

[teachlearnlivelove]

And my cousin's wife is pregnant

Hi, this is life, I'm here to laugh in your face. Happy news on my third IUI day. My cousin and his awesome wife are 3 months along. I am glad for them and partially taking this as a sign that good things are in my future and partially as a kick in the ass. We will see in two week. Cautious optimism to the wind. HOPE in full throttle! Think pregnant!

[teachlearnlivelove]

Iui #3

Today, December 3rd at 330(ish) is iui #3. Today is also my moms birthday. All the things feel right and I am again leaving behind cautious optimism and headed straight for full on hope! Let's do this! Let's get pregnant! Meditated, and have music ready for the actual event. Prepared and ready! Time to calm and envision everything going right... There is still a nagging voice in the back of my head about sadness and fear and all that comes with the tww. Breath, breath, breathe!!!! Think pregnant.

[superlark]

I wish I had the time to take more classes during undergrad; I could never fit neurobio and its lab into my schedule.

Here is a picture of neurons and their basic parts with really basic definitions. There are a lot of other things about them that aren’t included but this is a start.

Full size.

[teachlearnlivelove]

Love!

[weretrying]

The Silent Hell of Infertility During Holidays

This Thanksgiving, I feel gratitude, but not the rah-rah kind. I know that as talk unfolds around me, the rapid, skittering on the surface kind, in some way I am still partly outside it. I can't quite blend back in, because I know too much.

[teachlearnlivelove]

Angry

So this one time I planned to start a family with my husband. He's nifty and at the time we had been happily married for three years, together for seven. The year before we started trying I began to take my self care even more seriously than before. I stepped up my weight loss, gave up drinking almost entirely, and cut way back on sugar. I practiced yoga and took a long walk every day. I got the go ahead from all of my doctors to begin trying and set off with my husband down the hilariously silly and fun sex for more than just sex adventure. Now, 1.5 years later we have found out my husband cannot have children. We have mourned, we have fought, we have healed and even gotten closer. We chose a sperm bank, we chose a donor and set about making and spending the large sums to procure said sperm. We have done 2 IUIs and are about to start number 3. And I am angry. I did all that work, I took care of myself and felt as though I was deserving of something. I should get a prize: baby! It's laughable the situations we can try and convince ourselves we deserve to be in. I deserve to be a mother because I am working full time, getting straight A's in grad school, lost 40 pounds and can do a yoga pose called a bridge....but no baby. That is not how it works. Now I am angry. I have gained all the weight back and though I am not drinking a lot, I do indulge my love of cocktails more than I should, for my own tastes. Sugar has come back as a severe addiction: Swedish fish are to blame. I have not been back on my yoga mat since...well a long time and my old walking routes just remind me of times when I cried openly for all to see. I still work hard and get good grades ( about to graduate as well). But do I deserve a baby any more now than I did when my "castle" was fit for an occupant, when my oven was primed for a bun? Do I stop trying and crash diet back to my old self, no! From here I admit this process is gut wrenching, it is brutal, it is emptying and filling up with food and bad tv instead of movement and meditation or whatever is not the person my future child needs me to be. I have been an over eater my whole life and infertility has been just another reason to fall back into old habits. I have the skills to move through this- not past it, not over it- but through it! Feel it, be ground up by it and come out the other side the mother I want to be for my child, no matter how long it takes him or her to get here. Wow, this post turned out more preachy than I meant. Perhaps it's what I need to hear. That this day shall pass and I will not be stuck here forever. As one very smart fish once said: just keep swimming!

[teachlearnlivelove]

Wheels are back in motion. Took a break from IUIs for a cycle but got the donor sperm sent in and alerted the nurses that we are back on. IUI #3 here we come....