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@teamaqualung
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You know what's not fair? Miscarriage. Of any kind. You know what else isn't fair? When you meet the love of your life at 22 years old. And go on to marry that man. And 9 years later when you look at him you think man, I'm lucky. He's gorgeous. Strong. Healthy. Funny. And he loves me. He loves me more than any man has loved a woman. And I love him more. And you know what? That's not fair. I got lucky.
Christmas sadness
I haven't cried in a day! One whole day. That's a win. But tonight I'm watching it snow and listening to music that just makes you cry, you know like Christmas music. What? The tears just streaming. I don't even want a Christmas tree. And that's really sad because this time of year used to be my absolute favorite time of year. But I just want time to hurry up. This Christmas can just pass and next year we can have the best Christmas ever to make up for this year. How's that for a compromise. That cool? If I can just get pregnant right away we could have a baby for the holidays next year, ok? Thanks...to whomever I am writing to.
Groundhog Day
Every morning - of the past four, I’ve woken up with Meredith Brooks in my head. 🎤I hate the world today.🎤 I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to contribute to the world today. I want to sleep until spring or until I’m pregnant again. I’m not pregnant anymore. But there’s still a baby in me. I still have boob pain and pregnancy zits. It’s a cruel, cruel world. I do hate the world today.
I did not detect a heart beat
There. she said it. I know now.
I experienced some back pain over the weekend. And a pretty strong pain in my left ovary on Sunday, albeit short. I knew those two things put together were not good signs. Oh, and I stopped feeling pregnant - last week. I actually felt skinny. Boobs weren’t as swollen. And I knew, deep down, that this baby was sick and although I commend her for hanging on, I appreciate her finally letting go. My nurse called on Sunday around 4pm - from her home. I thought that was incredibly sweet, what nurse is calling you on the weekend? She asked how I was doing, and I told her those two things above - and she said ‘hmmm what can we do. I think you should come in tomorrow’.
So today I went in for another ultrasound. And i went alone. It was just with the ultrasound tech so I knew I wouldn’t be able to really ask any questions. But I did know I could ask if there was a heart beat. As I am walked back in to the room, I notice this woman is much warmer than the first tech we had. And she is empathetic. Right away she asked me if I wanted the screen on. I looked at the screen, back at her, and just stared blankly. She said I think I will leave it off. We proceed to move forward with the ultrasound in which it is very quiet - I stare at the ceiling trying to just breathe, and she methodically moves about the procedure. type type enter. type type enter. type type enter. You’ll feel some pressure here. type type enter. And then about 10 minutes later, It’s done. She says ‘Do you have a doctor’s appointment after this?’. No, my nurse is going to call. Ok. ‘Well I can tell you that I did not detect a heart beat. I’m sorry. Your gestational sac is still in tact which is why you have not experienced any bleeding. Your nurse will be following up with you soon. You are free to go after this.’
I hope, I pray to God, that I never, ever, EVER have to hear those words again. Please God. I didn’t cry when she told me. And when she left the room it was like wait. What? No. But what was I expecting to hear? I knew things weren’t good. And if we did get a miracle, would I worry for the rest of this child’s pregnancy, and life, that perhaps something didn’t go right? I knew this was what I was going to hear. I told myself... you’re going to be ok. You have to walk out of this office. You have to pick one foot up and put the other in front of it. My eyes were blurred and I barely made it out of the office. I got to my car and heave cried. So loud I’m sure I could be heard in the entire parking ramp. Over and over and over. Hyperventilating. It’s over. You aren’t pregnant anymore. You will not have a baby in July. You have to start over. But first you have to pass this baby. How is that going to happen? When is that going to happen?
Unfortunately, miscarriage is incredibly common. Now, I fear I will just live in that fear. I finally told my friend Erin - she had a miscarriage in April. She also has a sweet, healthy 2 year old at home. So a little different, yet still a miscarriage. She had incredibly wise words to say. And really did make me feel better. Last night. This morning. and tonight. Her doctor gave her some great advice - any maybe this will help you like it helped me.
‘This baby was meant to teach you something, and he/she has done that now. So now all you can do is look ahead.’
‘Your body is so fiercely protective when you’re pregnant that it will do anything to make sure that baby is born healthy; even when people mistreat their bodies and make bad choices. So when it senses something is not right - it starts miscarrying on its own to protect you and the baby too.’
‘The human is amazing, and it’s all designed for ultimate good - but this is something I will never understand. Almost like it’s a sign your body is actually healthy and doing its job. Not that something was bad or wrong with you.’
And this morning, when I just couldn’t quite shut off my car and walk in to work. ‘You are amazing Erika. You are strong and beautiful and you are a fighter. You can do this. I promise you can. And you’re not doing it alone!’
And that made me cry harder, but also made my heart fuller. I know we will move past this. And some day I hope to be writing right here that we had a great ultrasound and a healthy heart beat. But that day was not today. Right now is the closest I’ll ever be to this horrific day. And time will move me further.
Stay close with your family - and tell those who you want to tell. My mom, sister and mother in law have been incredible support systems - along with of course my husband. It’s hard because they want to help and just feel helpless. There isn’t anything anyone can physically do for you. But they can help immensely with your mental anguish.
Kevin ordered Chinese last night for us and picked out a movie - which was a great distraction. Afterwards he handed me a fortune cookie. Then grabbed the rest of them and said I could choose from the pile. I grabbed the cookie he originally gave to me, and this is what it said. March 9th - you better have good news.
Purgatory
Well, where do I begin. I guess last Sunday. I was upstairs on the couch, being pregnant and lazy, and got an email from my doc with the actual results from the first ultrasound. Results were more telling than our actual visit, and it turns out our baby’s heart beat was only 81bpm. Doc says that can be seen at an early gestational age. But this, coupled with being “a week behind”, and I lost it. I went down to talk to Kevin and he convinced me to be positive. No one is saying anything negative, just the facts here. So we’ll get a follow up ultrasound one week from our last and see what we see.
We didn’t see what we wanted to see at our follow up ultrasound yesterday. Our nurse was incredibly kind, and from the moment she walked in she knew we were worried. She said what is worrying you. We talked about the ultrasound. she said ok, let’s take a look before we start any prenatal apt discussions. I was thankful that we could get right to the point.
First thing she saw was a heart beat. Well that was good - but I could tell, it was slow. And I knew if the baby’s heart beat was slow, it was a very. very. very. bad sign. She said your baby hasn’t grown much. Maybe one day, two at the very most. And your baby’s heart beat is 79-81. Very bad. I burst in to tears. Everything we’ve done. said. planned for. thought about. the nursery. the outfits. the basement. maternity leave. a july baby. her smile. his hair. daycare. We have deposits on two daycares.
The nurse went on to talk about what to expect in the next week. You’ll get a normal period, that will seem just a little heavier. You’ll have some clotting. You’ll have some cramping. but you won’t see anything. Your baby is the size of a blueberry, you won’t be able to notice when it comes out. Dark red. Maybe grayish. No need to go to the hospital unless you feel you cannot control the bleeding. Call the labor and delivery nurse line if this starts over the weekend. Otherwise call me on Monday and let me know how your weekend goes. (How my weekend goes? I don’t want to be awake right now. That’s how my weekend is going to go. I want to go to sleep and wake up when I’m pregnant with a healthy baby). If you do not miscarry this weekend or next week, we’ll have another follow up ultrasound next Friday and hope for a miracle.
Side note. Can I just say that had it not been for Kevin, I may not have made it out of that room? He not only is my eternal rock - he is my comfort. My positive, incredible, superman husband. Even the nurse said wow, you have a great husband.
The nurse said to just go home. And that is what we did. we went home. To a home that has pregnancy books all over. The first ultrasound pictures on the fridge. Little onesies hanging in the closet. that onesie my sister got us from hawaii that says ‘beach babe’. I sat on the couch and cried. and stared in to space. For about 3 hours. After about 2 hours, Kev sat on the floor next to me and just held me. And told me it’s going to be OK. and that no matter what, we have each other. Fuck everything else. And maybe we will have a miracle. And maybe we won’t. But we will have a baby one day. And all of this is going to be worth it. All of it. We don’t want good. we want great. and we are going to get that.
I’ve been crying on and off since then. My tear ducts still have tears left in them to shed. You know what my dream was last night? Well, for the time I was actually sleeping. I was shot. In the chest. With a 6-8″ bullet/nail looking thing. And I walked to the hospital because I didn’t want to die. I walked all over and no one could help me. I just had this awful awful pain in my chest. And then there was a goofy looking clerk who just looked at me, grabbed the bullet nail, and slowly...excruciatingly slowly, pulled it out of my chest. And I had never screamed like I had screamed. And I had never felt such pain for so long. I feel like that was the same pain I felt yesterday when the nurse told me the heartbeat of our baby. And still the same pain I feel right now. I don’t want to feel this pain. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be strong. I want to be positive.
At one point today I thought you know what, I’m still pregnant. And I’m pregnant until the day I’m not. Whether that is 7 months from now (you know I’m 8 weeks pregnant today...with a 6 week old baby. So maybe I’ll break a world record for the woman who has been pregnant the longest) or until this week when I’m “expected” to miscarry. Or maybe next Friday we’ll experience a miracle.
I’m thankful for my husband. And my family. I couldn’t do this alone. And I know that one day we’ll get our baby. If this isn’t our baby we get to hold, care for and watch grow up, I will never forget her. If this is our baby, I’ll remind her until the day I die that she owes me forever for this worry.
First ultrasound
Was yesterday - and we saw the heartbeat!!!! SO exciting. Everything is looking good and growing proportionately (which is great). The weird thing though, is that I am measuring (size and development-wise) a full week behind the date that I know damn well I ovulated. I have to tell you, I’m way too Type A for things to be this up in the air. She said yesterday I was measuring at 5 weeks 6 days - and we were lucky to even see the heartbeat. I told her that was impossible, because I know exactly when this all went down. I am 6 weeks 6 days. I know due to temperature, CM, and positive OPK tests. AND if I’m only 5 weeks and 6 days that means I would have had a positive pregnancy test at 3 weeks (hello impossible). So you can see why now I’m all worried. My sister said the same thing happened to her - her due date was July 11th, she was sure it was July 6th, and Baby Ru was born on July 3rd. So I guess we will continue to see what our little squirrel does. I’m still banking on the fact that I will deliver on July 22nd. Heard it hear first folks. We’ve got a long road in front of us but I’m a positive person.
We go back to the doc for our actual first prenatal appointment on Friday - so I’ll have lots of questions to ask at that point.
Anyone else out there experience the same thing?
you know how i know i’m preg?
I got up at 5am and went downstairs to eat because I couldn’t sleep I was so hungry.
Can I just say that I feel amazing? Like so amazing that I worry I’m not pregnant sometimes. Outside of my boobs growing 2 cup sizes.... yea it’s not hard when you are a 32A but my boobs are bigger than ever. At the gym I’m like holy shit, this is how every other woman feels when working out. Strange. I also am already showing... which most people say you can’t see anything at 7 weeks (ok I’m 6 weeks and 6 days) but I know my body - it’s bigger. I’m not mad...I mean I couldn’t be happier that we are pregnant...it’s just a change. I get my first ultrasound today - Kev and I couldn’t be more excited. He said yesterday ‘I can’t wait. I can’t wait. I just can’t wait! I want a baby now!’ lol. So exciting.
In shock
So what do I do next? I jump up - sit back down - and FaceTime my sister. She’s in bed but God bless her, she answers. I can barely get the words out of my mouth. It feels surreal, it takes me some time but I finally matter to stammer out... I’m pregnant. She says ‘WHAT?! OH MY GOD WHAT?!’ And I put the test in front of the camera - as I’m bawling. I just can’t believe it. I decide I need to get in the car and head up north. I have to tell Kev, and I have to tell him now. I shower, and Miami (our dog) and I head up north. I know the morning hunt will end around 10am so Miami and I sit outside and wait for him to emerge from the woods.
I see his orange and I can’t wait to tell him. He sees Miami and me and says whoaaaaa. 'What are you doing here?’ I walk over to him and said ‘We have something to tell you.’ He said ‘What?’, I say ‘We’re pregnant’. He looks at me, bewildered. Says ‘Really?!’ and those big blue cow eyes look deep in to my soul, and he hugs me so tight. And hugs me. And hugs me. And is in the same shock as me. And then immediately starts worrying. It was pretty incredible.
The shock train continued - my Mom lives just down the road from deer camp so my sister and the girls and I packed up and went there. Kel went in the house first since my Mom wasn’t expecting us - and then gave me the green light. I walked in and just stood by the doorway. She turned around and immediately said ‘do you have something to tell me?!’ And again, I said the most shocking words to come out of my own mouth ‘I’m pregnant’. She immediately started crying and gave me one of the biggest momma bear hugs there ever was. Pretty great feeling.
We had to wait 10 days to tell Kev’s parents, which was excruciatingly hard since his Mum and I chat all the time. We had some time with this one so we decided to write ‘Guess What’ on a onesie. We wanted a visual so they both would know right away. And it worked... they were in shock and SO happy. It’s just been a whirlwind since then, and we couldn’t be happier.
WE DID IT
We actually did it. We defied the odds. The 25% chance if everything was perfect happened. The ‘don’t worry it will happen someday’. The ‘you’re young, stop worrying’. The ‘if you just relax you’ll get pregnant’. On October 28th, our little squirrel was created.
I had a couple symptoms here and there. Six days before we found out I had crazy boob pain - just for a couple minutes. Then all week I felt for the most part normal - just pains here and there. I was INSANELY bloated. Like pants not fitting bloated. I didn’t want to get too excited, you know? My temp was consistently high towards the end of the week, spiking on 13 DPO - so again my hopes started getting higher. I thought if I didn’t have a dip on 14 DPO that I must be pregnant. Well it went down by .1 so I thought OK, maybe it’s starting to drop. The night of 14 DPO K headed up north for the 2nd week of hunting. So I stayed home - had some wine that really didn’t taste very good, and I was short of breath. It was very strange. Hardly slept, had dreams all night of a negative pregnancy test. Saturday, 15 DPO, the day I am supposed to get my period, I woke up at 6:30am to take my temp. This would be the deciding factor. I take my temp, and it’s up .1. HOLY SHIT. This has never happened. I must be pregnant. I have to be. I text my sister - she says to just sit tight, no matter what everything is going to be OK. Maybe wait to test for a day or two. I thought no way, if I don’t have my period I’m testing.
So I get up, heart racing, walk to the bathroom. Praying that I don’t see blood when I pee. Please God. Please let me be pregnant. I sit down, wipe, no blood. OH MY GOD. I feverishly find the home pregnancy test and I pee on it. Staring at it as the line moves. Countless times I have done this same thing. Countless times I have seen one line. As the line moves across, I think I see something. No can’t be. I mean I just pee’d on this thing. Holy fucking shit. It is something. There are TWO LINES. TWO FUCKING LINES! I’M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 DPO
Here I sit. 1 day post ovulation, the two week wait commences. The TWW is the worst, especially if you aren’t as confident in your sex timing. I automatically wake up at 6:30 and take my BBT - set it aside to look when I actually get up. 8:00 rolls around and I turn my thermometer back on to read the temp. The way this thermometer works is that it holds the previous temp you took briefly before zero-ing out, which makes it easier for me to not have to find light to read the temp on the weekend. So I lean over and today is the most important day to read the temperature. It’s going to tell you if you ovulated or not by showing a > or = to .4 rise in temperature. I look and the temp says 97.? Wait, was that 97.1 or was that 97.7? It would need to be 97.7 to confirm ovulation, but I swear it said 97.1 So I take it again, which isn’t good because it is not at the exact same time as all other days. It shows 97.6. So then I think, well, is this because it’s 1.5 hours later than usual? Is this because I woke up to kiss my husband goodbye? Fuck. I don’t know. I take it again and it shows 97.4. WTF. How is it fluctuating this much in a few minutes. So then I take it AGAIN a couple minutes later. And this time it shows 97.???? WHAT IS THAT. Luckily the temp stays on longer after you initially take it and sure enough. It’s 97.7. And that’s what I saw this AM. So yes, confirmation of ovulation.
Do you see how terrible this is on my brain? Ideally I’d like to wake up today, knowing we had sex the past two days which is perfect timing without all other pieces of knowledge. And carry on. But now I will question it all for the next 2 weeks. Seems crazy. So I’ll do my best to carry on as usual. Continue to repeat ‘everything happens for a reason’. And continue to dream about that little baby wrapped in blue and the little girl with curly hair. But then again, I’ll just relax and not think about it, right?
Sense and sensitivity
So my week was setting up perfectly. Weekend of relaxation, Monday massage and acupuncture, Broncos win. It was all coming together. I knew it was going to be a very busy week but I thrive off the busy, so no problem there. Tuesday comes and I have a big release with our largest client on Tuesday night. Which means working overnight - again all fine but I know I need to continue to get sleep or might mess something up in the ovulation calendar. I thought we might be able to squeeze in some sex on Tuesday before my call started at 9:30pm, but K had a really bad, no good day. And one thing I love about my husband is he is sensitive. But sometimes it’s hard when we both want a baby so badly and he’s not in the mood. So I figure OK, he needs some space, I need to work, all is good. We’ll hit it on Wednesday. And let’s get this straight, this isn’t JUST because I want a baby. Biology tells you a lot about your body, and one of them is making women incredibly horny the week of ovulation. So there are a couple reasons why I need to DTD (do the deed).
Based on the previous month, I most likely will ovulate on CD18 (Friday of this week). This month I’m also doing ovulation predictor kits (OPK), just to see if it aligns with my BBT. Wednesday comes and the OPK still isn’t showing a surge. But I know it’s coming soon - my body is starting to change (i.e. CM change). And I know having sex the day before and two days before ovulation is key. So Wednesday is 2 days before... I am sexting K throughout the day. He’s not really digging it. So then I’m like fine - but tonight you need to be in to it. He plays in an intramural football league with his buddies and Wednesday is the championship game, but it’s an early game. It won’t be too late. I stay up until 10:30 and text him that I can’t stay up anymore, too exhausted from working overnight the night before. He says he’ll ‘wake me up’. So I figure ok that’s cool. He knows.
12:30 comes around, no K. I text him... ask if he needs a ride. He says no, the guys are just excited, they won the championship!
2:00am comes around, no K. Now I’m just pissed. I tell him he needs to uber home. And that somehow the bar is better than having sex with his wife. So, needless to say, he gets home and we fight and there is no sex.
6:00am Thursday, I know we are in the day before ovulation. But I’m still horny as hell. And although I’m pissed at K, it’s go time. We DTD in the AM, I take the OPK and it is just sliiiiiiiiiiiightly showing a darker second line. Very slight. So I figure that’s something, the surge is starting. Thursday night I go out with my sister and girlfriend to a haunted house, have a couple dranks, get home and go to bed.
6:45am Friday, this is CD18! I know it’s the day. BBT still hasn’t risen so I haven’t ovulated yet. We should probably have sex in the AM. But K is up, again not excited about his day/going to work, and asking/begging/taking sex at this point just isn’t an option. I know we are in prime time but I also love my husband dearly - there are some things you just can’t demand when you are married to a creative, sensitive, romantic man. I take my OPK test after he leaves and sure enough, darker than the day before. Still not showing what the box says as ‘positive’ but I know my body well enough and tracking BBTs along with previous months knowledge ensures that I know today is the day. The box says upon a positive test you will ovulate 12-24 hours from that time. So I figure, 12 hours later will be OK to DTD.
In the back of my head all day Friday I feel like we missed the timing. I don’t know why - just felt that prime time was between 10am - 12pm on Friday. It CANNOT BE THAT PRECISE. But my analytical, Type A personality can’t get around the fact that we need to do this textbook to get pregnant. I have read that sperm can live in your fallopian tubes for up to 5 days - so having sex Thursday AM should do the trick, but what about hungover sperm? Do they maybe not travel as fast? Are they not as good? Everything has to be perfect. But nothing is perfect. How is getting pregnant this hard? Then I read that if you aren’t doing OPK tests every 12 hours you might miss the surge, so then 12 hours from the test wouldn’t work!
Regardless, I’m still horny AF and at 6:30 K finally gets home. He has a date night planned because we barely saw each other this week (see, romantic and sweet). He says are you ready? And I’m like no, date night starts up here. To which he begrudgingly comes up the stairs. And says something to the effect that ‘you are just trying to get pregnant’. Ugh. I pretend like that comment didn’t just hurt, which is good because we went on to have amazing sex. And then we went to a Brazilian restaurant and had some unique food. Then we headed off to a brewery for a beer - and off to the movies... ‘Life of Pets’ is showing and it was adorable.
But still in the back of my head I think - this wasn’t perfect timing. And we are going to go through another month of trying. And getting perfect timing is not realistic when you both can’t drop everything (physically and mentally) to have sex in a fucking 2 hour window. My rational brain says no it’s not that precise, but then why can’t we get pregnant? I am a goal oriented person. And if you give me the ingredients to success, I will make that goddamn recipe. But I can’t control everything. And that my friends, is where my struggle lies. I can’t control everything. and I want to.
CD 2-10 went by. And I survived! I worked, I worked out, and slowly started to feel better. I also started thinking how I needed to relax, de-stress in time for the next ovulation. It was a good thing that our annual spa trip landed during the week before ovulation. I started thinking about how I need to continue to be me during this process - and not focus SO much on a potential baby that doesn’t exist yet. ‘Don’t drink this, don’t work out, don’t eat that, don’t run too far’ the constant struggle my brain goes through during the TWW, which ultimately leads to me becoming someone else. During the massages last week, I kept thinking how this is for me. Because I have to be OK before I bring a beautiful babe in to the world. So I changed my focus on baby baby baby to me me me. My husband might tell you that’s not hard for me to do - ha! The spa weekend went by too fast but it was a great time for reflection and taking a mental break from thinking about baby baby baby all the time. Then Monday came - and I had acupuncture and an abdominal massage lined up. It was the continuation of me time.
While getting acupuncture my intention changed, taking a step back from getting pregnant and having a baby - all the way back to the first step in the process... conception. It was different - but I ALWAYS drift off to a different layer and sometimes I dream. Sometimes I just see flashes of visions. This time when I changed my intention, I saw a little girl with curly hair eating breakfast in a booster seat at our dining room table. And she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I thought this was interesting because a few months ago I saw a similar type vision, but it was in a hospital bed with K to my side, and we had a baby bundled in my arms - wrapped in blue. Hmm. Who knows what’s happening in the many layers of my brain during this time. Everyone says to relax, stop thinking about it, etc. If you find out how that is possible - I’d love to hear. I’d love to stop thinking about it and go along my daily life without the pressure. But I can’t. I’ve tried! Even switching my intention in acupuncture to me, I have visions of the most beautiful things - our future children. Call me crazy but I am just telling you about my experience.
From there I went straight to my abdominal masseuse, M. Funny enough M emailed me on CD 2 or 3, when my walls were coming down. She asked how I was doing as I haven’t seen her in awhile - and for a review in exchange for $20 off my next session. What great timing. I was also referring M to a co-worker (because once you start talking about infertility they come out of the woodwork, I promise) and I found that M has her own practice out of the same building I used to work in. NO WAY! Rates are much better - so I can probably see her more :)
As soon as I saw M I felt even better. She has a healing touch - and I know that might sound cheesy but she really is something else. After just coming from the spa that weekend I thought well I don’t have as much stress or as much to release. But from the moment M starts doing her magic, millions of pounds of weights are lifted from me. She is yet another great support in this journey to first, get pregnant. Then have beautiful baby R.
After I left M, I came home to my husband grilling steaks, the Broncos playing, and a nice bottle of wine. Wow - this is such a great set-up for ovulation. 3rd month of ovulation will be the charm.
CD 1
Cycle day 1 fucking sucks. There’s no other way to put it. You are the furthest from being pregnant on day 1. On the 28-33 day hope scale, you’re at 1. A couple days ago you were definitely pregnant and had all the symptoms. And then you are slapped in the face. Slapped at a time when your hormones are out of whack. Way out of whack. And you thought about those symptoms so much that even on day 1 you have to slap yourself when you think ‘Oh i have to pee, I must be pregnant’. No. Idiot. You have your period.
Then people at work are like ‘are you ok? you aren’t your usual self’. No. I’m not OK. and then you blame it on some client. Or you see your one friend at work who knows - and she just knows. She tells you so. Says ‘I can see it in your eyes’. Yea I can’t hide it. And then the world is SO MEAN. You get tested with cruel cruel “jokes” all day. Your one co-worker who you have shared infertility struggles with is... can you guess??!?!?! PREGNANT. You do your very best to be as excited as possible. She has terrible morning sickness. Boo hoo. But you attempt to empathize and then you all of a sudden have to go to the bathroom (aka go cry in a bathroom stall).
You manage to get through the day better than you thought you would. You get in the elevator and the doors start to close and you think -OK I made it. Except that someone hit the button just as they were closing. In walks the 10 month pregnant woman and another mutual friend. They talk about the pregnant woman being ‘ready to pop’. And then the other one - who I’ve known a few years and my husband coached her husband in lacrosse (YES coached him. He’s a baby. Actually he’s not, we’re just getting older) says ‘oh yea I was so slow at work last week so I had a dentist appointment, and I scheduled all of the birthing classes’. Wait. Excuse me? Did I hear that right? I do a quick scan to her belly (because that’s what we do right...). and sure enough. She’s got a bump. CRUEL. YOU ARE FUCKING CRUEL WHOEVER ALLOWED THOSE TWO WOMEN TO GRAB THE ELEVATOR AT THE LAST SECOND. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME. THERE ARE THREE OTHER ELEVATORS.
I make it to my car without breaking down. I get in my car. And cry. All the way to Target. Where my letrozole is waiting. Isn’t that nice? And as I pick up a few other things - a sweet screaming baby is being carted by. And I smile, oh what I would give for a screaming baby at Target. Then another woman zooms by and I hear a squeak from her cart - sure enough, baby. Then an employee walks by and over his walkee talkee the woman says ‘ Can you direct me to the BABY spinach’. DEAR LORD STOP IT. I just want day 1 to be over. and day 2. And let’s just get to day 15 when we can plop the hope back on track and feel pregnant every single day for the rest of the month.
This is such an incredibly lonely experience. Not only do I have zero friends...they all have kids and leave the ‘friends without kids’ out of things now...but I feel like my family can’t handle the negativity. Or they don’t want to say the wrong thing or I dunno what it is. But it feels like they tend to disappear. Or maybe it’s just me feeling so lonely. Even my husband - he was so wonderful last night. Picked up takeout from our favorite indian place, got a bunch of different oktoberfest beers. And was just stellar - reassuring me it was going to be OK. But today I haven’t heard from him and he’s out for dinner with a former lacrosse guy. My sister is busy and is being amazing, but she’s busy. I mean she has two kids of her own, and my Mom is...probably giving me space. My mother-in-law tends to stay away for a few days. Maybe I’m just a monster on these days. Unbearable. Probably true. I wouldn’t want to be by me either.
This one got me.
Truest thing I’ve ever read.
We did everything we could.
This month was try #2 on Letrozole. I had a lot of fear, maybe it wouldn’t work again. Maybe I wouldn’t ovulate again. But I took the pills on day 3-7 and then you kind of wait. I was timing everything again - charting my temps religiously. I ovulated on day 15 the first month so I assumed it would be day 15 the second month. I got a little nervous when day 15 came and no temp spike. I started having signs of ovulation, so that was good. Again, I’m thankful my sister is here for me to just tell everything to. Kel - my temp isn’t spiking. She said just hold on, be patient.
Still no spike means you still better keep getting those heart days in. Because once your temp spikes, it means you have ovulated. So sperm needs to already be there to meet the egg. I joke with Kev on day 15 that we need to have sex at TCF bank stadium. How cool would that conception story be? Well, that didn’t go over very well with him actually. Gone are the days of this being a super fun thing to “try” to have kids. This has actually gone on too long - and it’s no longer fun anymore. We are sick and tired of planning the heart days. Being so goddamn specific about everything. Sex becomes more of an obligation (and now being associated with a failed obligation) than it does for love or fun or just because you’re horny. And actually, this whole conception at a football stadium at least got Kev and I talking. Talking about how we just need to have fun - and stop being so scientific about this. We opened up to each other and decided that whatever happens happens. And we need to take the pressure off. As much as I agree with that statement - I have a really hard time with it. I like to be in control - and I like things to go as planned. I know I know, they aren’t going as planned. But as much as I can control, I want to control. But I know for him that I need to let go a little. SO - we didn’t have sex on day 15. Because whatever. Then on Sunday we not only had sex in the morning, but also at night. And we had sex Monday. And we had sex Tuesday. Because we were having fun and enjoying each other. Not because we had to.
Back track - on Saturday we went to our friend’s Oktoberfest party. This used to be a little more of a rager. But now that everyone has kids, it’s actually like a kid party. Talk about that one being hard. The good news was that our other good friends were going to be there. So I could get lost with them. Well - they are also both Mom’s. So they ended up just talking to each other, which was fine. They can relate on things I can’t. I’d find a dude to talk football with. Well that lasted about 5 minutes. Kids are flying around everywhere. There are babies, 1 year olds, 2 year olds, 3 year olds, 4 year olds. We are actually the only ones without kids (well except for that weird neighbor). I can’t take it anymore. I go outside - find Kev - and tell him I can’t stay anymore. My chin begins to quiver and I tell him it’s just too hard as my eyes fill up with tears. I look up at him and his eyes fill up with tears. He hugs me and we cry together. Right on the front steps of our friend’s house. It was an intense moment - a moment where as sad as I was, my heart couldn’t be any fuller. This man right here, the love of my life - a love stronger than anything in the world, is feeling the same exact pain as me. And somehow, some way, in a super strange universe, I feel better. Because I have him.
We get in the car, I’m driving as it has been kind of a stressful day and Kev indulged in a few more beers than me. So granted, there was alcohol, but Kev cries - and he cries hard. And it makes my heart hurt so badly. I just want us to get pregnant. For the both of us. We want it so bad. And that brought us to start talking about adoption. And how perhaps we just parallel path. Start looking in to it. It can’t hurt - and as Kev so passionately and eloquently stated ‘Love is stronger than biology’. So he says he will start looking in to it, and it won’t change what we’re trying to do from a "biology” standpoint, but maybe it will help to take the pressure off. And allow us to just have fun.
So fast forward - I ended up ovulating on that Monday. We had all bases covered and we did everything we could. Here goes the horrific TWW. My temp is up a half degree higher than last month, must be a good sign. I have zero symptoms, so that’s different right? My temp dips slightly on 7dpo - which after obsessing over dpo symptoms... that is a great sign, an ‘implantation dip’ if you will. It bumps back up. 12dpo it jumps again (but it did that last month), so I try to think positively. 13dpo it drops slightly. But I’ve got some interesting pains in my uterus area, not necessarily cramps so that must be a good sign. I’m a bit faint and just feel off. So that must be a good sign. Then today, at 14dpo, I take my temp at 6:30am - same time as always. I take it and don’t look. And think ok, if it’s down again, it didn’t happen. And I just need to move on. If it’s up then I will pick up a pregnancy test after work today. So, I close my eyes, grab my phone, look at the thermometer. And it dropped. a lot. Fuck. My Life. Here we go again. Hope is gone. Doubt re-enters. We did everything right. We did everything we could. And we still aren’t granted one of the greatest gifts in this world. I just don’t know what we could have done differently. Why not. Why not us. Why everyone else. What else could we have done.
