Technology Shapes History

I'm Bridgett - a digital marketer who's passionate about how digital communication shapes the way we connect to our world and one another. 

[technologyshapeshistory]

Here & queer

I find it’s easiest to come out as queer and bi with folks I just met - where I have more control over the narrative and peoples’ perceptions of me. It can be awkward to bring up how I identify with people I’ve known for a long time, which is why some family and friends who I know and love well may be hearing this for the first time here (hi!). Particularly in work or family environments, it can be hard to find the right segue into talking about my sexuality. It’s not often that we give ourselves or the people we love much runway to redefine who we are.

But I have been coming out more and more often, and the reactions I’ve gotten are mostly positive. The reception can often feel underwhelming or, at worst, diminishing. My queerness - this part of me that takes up such a massive space in my brain - can feel small and insignificant when its received with a “Huh, okay…” or a nod and a change in conversation. The worst is hearing something like, “I didn’t know that was something you were still doing…” or having friends I’ve come out to continue to refer to me as straight. These reactions give me that sinking feeling many bi folks are familiar with of not being queer enough. At times when I am feeling inadequate or alone, pockets of queer and bi folks on the internet have been a really affirming place for me.

I think often the blasé-ness with which my coming out can be received is because progressive folks (particularly straight progressive folks) feel a duty to normalize queerness, because that’s what an ally does. I think people worry that it would be abnormal or unaccepting to ask respectful questions of someone who’s just come out.

But for me, identifying as queer is just the beginning of a conversation. My queerness is something that’s brought me a lot of joy and a sense of shared community in large part because of how dynamic and multifaceted sexual identity can be. Queerness is so beautiful because it holds space for so many different ways of being. I appreciate how we can embody and celebrate gray-ness and nuance and create pathways for being that are not shown or celebrated enough. 

The best response I’ve ever gotten to coming out is when someone asked me, “So what does being queer and bi mean for you?” I think that’s a question we could all use a lot more when people we love share vulnerable parts of themselves . What does _______ mean for you?

Photo from @_miss_meadows_

Being a queer, bisexual person in a straight-passing relationship has been a tricky space for me to navigate. I’ve known I was queer since before Aaron and I started dating. Its something we’ve discussed since the earliest days of our relationship, but I wasn’t confident enough in a queer identity to claim it as my own back then. I used to think that I would wait until we broke up to explore and understand my queerness. But that break up seems less and less likely. Picturing future future plans with Aaron gets easier to do as we continue to make one another enormously happy most of the time. The idea of spending a life in a fulfilling, joyful relationship that will probably look pretty straight to most people has been the catalyst for seriously navigating and owning my queerness now. Aaron’s ability to love, support, and communicate with me as I’ve increasingly come out has continued to prove to me that we have something pretty solid and pretty special.

Earlier in our relationship, I worried that coming out would make people question my commitment to Aaron or how happy I was. Conveniently, as I get older, that thing all of my thirty-something friends said would happen has been happening, and each year I care a lot less about what other people think. Being able to look back over the years Aaron and I have spent together and recognize them as the happiest in my life also helps.

But it does feel daunting to think about a lifetime of being perceived as straight when I know I’m queer. I don’t quite know what to make of it yet. I’ll get back to you on it. I take comfort in the idea that it’s not a challenge that’s particular to my relationship with Aaron - that as a bi person, I’d need to continually, consciously assert my identity no matter who I’m with. I very much vibed with bisexual writer Ben Freeland, who wrote that, “Like Schrödinger’s cat, we bisexuals exist in something of a superpositional state, appearing either straight or gay whenever ‘observed’ — i.e. observed doing something gay or something straight. And yet, when nobody is looking, we happily go our own way, occupying both identities at once.”

Something I’ve often bumped up against in my own sense of sexual identity is the idea of being “born this way.” To me, the “born this way” statement assumes that if you were to choose queerness, it would be the wrong choice. You just can’t help it - you were born this way. It’s out of your control. It feels, in some ways, in contradiction to being a person in a straight-passing relationship who must consciously choose again and again to come out as queer. The way I show and actualize my queerness necessitates choice.

“Born this way” also assumes that you need to have a lifetime history of queerness to really be queer. For me, it took moving away from the place I grew up in to give myself permission to understand my sexuality on my own terms. I think it’s like that for lots of people. If “born this way” is a good and affirming thing for you, I want it to continue to be that. If you’re someone like me who has wondered if you’re really queer because you can’t think back to an early childhood crush on someone of the same sex, I want to affirm that there’s another queer person like you out there who still feels at home in a queer identity.

https://www.reddit.com/r/bisexual/

I went back and forth a lot on writing and publishing a coming out piece. It’s a vulnerable thing to do - to put this affirmation of my sexual identity out there in a concrete way - no matter how small the audience for it is. I’m a strong believer that sexuality and gender is fluid, and a lot of times I wonder what the point of labels is when we’re on spectrums of all sorts. Bisexual does feel insufficient in its assumption that there’s a gender binary at all, so I prefer the modern way the definition has grown to encompass attraction to all genders. My sexual identity is subject to and will most likely change again over time. I believe most folks are at least a little bit queer inside, and we’re all better for it.

But I also believe that the more I’ve come out, the better my life has gotten. I say that with the knowledge that that statement will not be true for lots of people, and that I have all sorts of other identity-based privilege (especially my straight-appearing relationship) that make that so. With all that acknowledged, coming out has still been a fundamentally good thing in my life. (And, lucky me, I’ll get to do it again and again and again many times after this.) I think as women, we learn that naming and claiming our own desire is not important. That it’s secondary to men’s pleasure or that it’s something we shouldn’t think or talk about too much. Coming out has helped me feel more tapped in to who I am and what I want, and has made it easier to be truly present in many parts of my life.

There’s a great Rhea Butcher joke that includes the line, “Labels are what someone else puts on you. Identity is something that, when you find it, feels like a big hug.” (You can listen to her album if you want to get to the punch line.) Being queer and bi feels like a hug. It’s an identity that feels right for who I am right now - that celebrates the wholeness of my own sexuality and desire without detracting from the love I have for my partner and how much joy I take in our life together (a life I hope to keep sharing for a long, long time).

I admire lots of queer women and gender-nonconforming folks. I love hearing about the different pathways of being they have laid out for themselves and for their communities. I look up to bi women like me who are in relationships with straight cis men and still hold tight to their queerness even when it would be more convenient not to. It’s part of what makes me feel more comfortable and confident taking ownership over my identity now. Saying it here feels like something I’m doing not just for myself, but for other people who are questioning themselves or feeling invalid or worried they are not enough as they are.

My hope, like my hope with everything that I write that really means something to me, is that someone will read this and think, “I always felt that way and I thought I was all alone. It’s so good to feel like I’m not.” That feeling is what inspires me to keep writing, and it feels good to take this important chunk of my identity and declare it in this way with that intention.

I’m grateful for some space to claim this identity, and I’m down to answer any respectful questions if you have them.

[technologyshapeshistory]

Using Instagram to fight Islamophobia

A lot of my life and work exists at the intersection of social justice and digital media. From writing my thesis on social media and human development, to my current job as a digital marketer for nonprofits, I am endlessly fascinated by and passionate about how people use the Internet to connect with one another around causes they care about. 

So a few months ago, when an account called @Muslim_Voice followed me on Instagram, I was intrigued. The account, which is currently at 36,000 followers and counting, highlights the diversity of what it means to be Muslim and advocates against Islamophobia by demystifying Muslim religion and culture.  

In a country where the candidate who openly advocated for banning Muslims from entering the United States is now the presumptive Republican nominee, it feels really important to educate myself on Islam. The pervasiveness of Islamophobia in America seems so directly connected to our own hesitancy to care about or understand the experiences and culture of people who do not look like us. I am so grateful that an account like Muslim Voice exists to make this effort a little easier and more accessible. 

I interviewed the account’s creator, Armaan Bukhari, who said that his own struggles with Islamophobia are what motivated him to start Muslim Voice. “My parents are from Iran. They decided to move to America when I was a kid. They thought our life will be better in the country of dreams and opportunities. But they were wrong. It is very difficult to be an American Muslim. Everybody think[s] that you are a terrorist. Only because you have a beard, you wear traditional clothes, you pray to Allah. All non-Muslim people do not know the principles of true Islam.” 

When I read Armaan’s words, they sting with truth. I consider myself a pretty worldly person, but Islam is mostly a mystery to me. My understanding of the Islamic faith is built around stereotypes and sound bytes. I haven’t done much work to educate myself on what being a Muslim person in America means or feels like. There’s a lot about being a U.S. citizen that I am grateful for, and it saddens me that Armaan - like so many Muslims, like so many people of color - does not get to experience those benefits in the same way.

Often, the captions on Muslim Voice’s photos include facts and stories that educate, along with commentary that is undoubtedly tinged with the pain of existing in a world where your religion is so frequently maligned and misinterpreted. In one post, Armaan writes: “It is very difficult for a Muslim person to live in America because everybody designate[s] us as terrorists. And it hurts so much. We don't know how to overpersuade [sic] you. But we will try so much as possible to show that we are kind peaceful and tolerate. We respect you, your culture and you traditions and the only thing we want is to have the same attitude towards us.”

His request seems easy enough, but the reality is undeniably more challenging. Armaan is sharing the truth of a culture he knows and lives, but he’s understandably exhausted. “I am really tired of being oppressed,” he said. “I want a better life for my family and all Muslims. When I was thinking about the main idea of my account, I decided to post news about cases of Islamophobia in order to show people the real life of Muslims...We are not terrorists...we are their number one victims.”

Despite the bigotry that he’s faced and continues to witness, Armaan still leans towards acceptance and understanding across religions. When I asked him what the main message he wants to share with his ten of thousands of followers is, he said, “Don't judge other people. Remember that someday a person can do something very significant for you. Does it really matter is he a Muslim or Christian?” 

It doesn’t. 

[technologyshapeshistory]

Deciding not to be a young idiot

When I was 7 years old, I climbed on the edge of my bathtub, grabbed on to the shower curtain rod above me, and hung from it like a monkey bar. The joy of my guerilla acrobatics lasted for only a few sweet seconds. The flimsy metal rod bent in the middle and collapsed under the weight of my tiny yet chunky body. Being 7, I had no frame of reference for how much things like a shower curtain rod cost. This was a time in my life when getting $5 from my grandpa felt like receiving a small fortune, and anything beyond that was incomprehensibly expensive. I thought I was in some deep shit. I realized I had two paths to choose from. At this time, my typical response when screwing up was to play the young idiot. When showing my mom the broken shower curtain rod, I could remind her that I was "only 7 years old!" and therefore should not be penalized for my carelessness. I had recently outgrown Barbies! I couldn't do fractions yet! I could not be expected to know that the bathtub was not a jungle gym! And then I had another thought. I remembered the other angle I had been trying lately, with limited success. Even though I was 7, I wanted my mom to think of me as more of a 10 year old than a 5 year old. Ten year olds got to do cool stuff, like stay home alone for small periods of time and watch Forensic Files. If my mom thought of me as older and more responsible, I could reap the insane, delicious power that came with it. I remember deciding I wanted my mom to think of me as more of a 10 year old than a 5 year old. I told myself that from that day on, I needed to stop using the young idiot excuse, even when it was kind of plausible. Any time I had to pick between using my youth as an excuse or accepting the responsibility that came with age, I had to pick the latter. (I am not kidding you. This is an actual deep thought I had at age 7, which was mostly sparked by a desire to watch Forensic Files.) I cried the whole time while admitting guilt to my mom, telling her through sobs that I did know the bathtub was not a jungle gym. I handed her my piggy bank, telling her should could use it to buy a new curtain rod, expecting my meager savings to be eliminated by the cost of such a precious home good. She bent the shower curtain rod back into a straight line with her bare hands, and told me, in more gentle words, to chill the fuck out. It was a ridiculous situation, but I think about that decision a lot. I feel myself continuing to choose between being a young idiot and being a responsible adult over and over again almost every day, especially when I am at work. I have always been one of the youngest, if not the youngest, person on staff everywhere I have ever worked. At the grocery store where all my co-workers were over 16, I was 14. At the bar where all my co-workers were over 21, I was 19.  I have endured many litanies of, "Wait you're how old?" and "Oh my gosh, I've got kids/little brothers/grandchildren as old as you!" I have felt the awkward process of "coming out" about my age and mitigating the weirdness that comes with it more times than I can count on both hands. I love working where I'm surrounded by people who are smarter than me, and thankfully I have always worked at places I loved. But knowing how wide the experience gap is between myself and my colleagues can make it hard keep choosing the responsible adult path when, in comparison, it can be easy to convince myself that I’m the young idiot. 

Like most working people, I want my colleagues and clients to feel like I've got this. And most of the time, I absolutely do. But like many talented people, even those with way more experience than I have, I struggle sometimes with imposter syndrome - the feeling that I might not be good enough to do what I need to do, or might not deserve the authority that’s been granted to me. I've been very lucky to have never worked with colleagues who see my age as a liability or a reason for lack of respect. But there are always, always people who want to confront the awkwardness of our age gap with a nod towards my youthful ignorance. Most of the time, I don’t mind too much. There is a lot I don’t know, and it usually doesn’t hurt to be reminded in a playful way. (Remember though, that I am the girl who had a philosophical breakthrough after collapsing a shower curtain rod under her own bodyweight, so I have a tendency to take things more seriously than other people.)  

Of course, there are times when these reminders just feel inappropriate. Like recently, when I was interviewing someone for a freelance job, and she mentioned several times that she started her own marketing company, “In 1993, when you were probably still in middle school or something.” I wanted to let her know that in 1993 I was actually a toddler and was probably still shitting myself, but I called upon the responsible adult in me and let it go. 

Feeling like people see me as a young idiot sucks, but I know that it comes with the territory I have chosen. I can already feel the eye rolls from my older, wiser colleagues over me griping about the pains of youth. (Remember how obsessed you were with what people thought of you when you were younger though?? Isn’t it so nice to be done with all of that??)  I am a responsible adult, but there will always be people more senior to me who will wonder how I got to where I am and what I did to deserve it. Thankfully, more people are concerned with their own work than they are with my age, and those are the people I try to surround myself with.  So, for fellow young professionals who feel thrust towards responsible adulthood while incurring a million subtle nudges that you are still a young idiot, I hope you keep choosing the more difficult path. Speak with confidence. Give a shit about networking. Own it when you break the metaphorical shower curtain rod. Most people like working with responsible adults more than they like working with young idiots, and those people will appreciate your maturity. I don’t know everything, but I’m pretty sure that if you wait until you feel like you’re old enough to have everything figured out, some really amazing opportunities to do things you would have been great at will have passed you by.

[technologyshapeshistory]

How I Plan My Week

Almost every Friday since the beginning of this year, I've kept a standing appointment to set my to do list for next week. Ambitiously, I block off an hour from 4-5pm. I almost never start on time and I’m definitely never done that early. 

Planning my week is not simple. Planning my week is not quick. It takes me, on average, 1-2 hours to complete. It’s not rocket science, but as you can see below, I use several different tracking systems to make sure I know what I need to do and when I need to prioritize it. I usually start around 5pm, when my inbox finally quiets down and no deadlines are looming overhead. 

During this block of time, I do four things: 

Go through my entire inbox

Set my to do list for next week 

Time block the next week 

Catch up on employee time tracking

Doing these four things at the end of each week has helped me feel confident about what I’ve accomplished in the week that’s behind me, and like I’ve got a handle on what’s coming up ahead. Here’s why and how I do each one. 

Go through my entire inbox 

First, I file anything that doesn’t require action from me into folders to clear out inbox clutter that stresses me out. 

Then I review and respond to anything that will take two minutes or less. As I respond, I also file those emails, since they are no longer require my action. 

When I’m done, I review what’s left in my inbox (I try to keep it around 15-30 emails total; more than that and I start feeling overwhelmed), and I add those items to my to-do list for next week. A lot of tasks can be bundled, like sales follow-ups or items related to a specific project. If I have 25 emails in my inbox, it translates to about 5-7 to dos. (I’m totally guessing here, but the point is that you should bundle tasks and not make each email it’s own to do if you don’t have to.) 

Set my to do list for next week 

I already wrote about this here. 

Time block the next week 

I wrote about this as well.

Catch up on employee time tracking

My company requires employees to keep track of their time through an online tracking system. This takes me about 5 or 10 minutes to do at the end of every day, but at the end of really long days, I usually skip it. 

I make myself update any days I skip during this weekly planning process. This is a simple task that could easily become a massive to do if I didn’t get it out of the way each week. 

Chances are you have similar administrative tasks that don’t take much brain power but are easy to procrastinate until they grow into a burden. Make a habit of finishing them each week, and they’re much less likely to get out of control. 

Why it’s awesome 

Leaving the office a little later on Friday in exchange for feeling like my schedule is not spinning out of control is a worthy trade off. 

We all know that most success takes time, effort and careful planning. But we rarely give our own schedules the attention they deserve to set ourselves up for a successful week. By planning my upcoming week, I feel like I’m entering Monday on the offensive, instead of feeling the anxiety of playing defense against deadlines and deliverables I’m unclear on. 

If you try this weekly plan out for yourself, let me know. I’d love to hear how it worked for you, and give you some additional pointers, like how I adjust my time blocking and to do list during the week when things come up that throw my schedule off.  

[technologyshapeshistory]

WATCH/LISTEN/READ for Saturday, March 7

WATCH

Everything good everyone says about this Best Picture winner is true. Emma Stone's monologue brought me to tears. The improvised jazz drum soundtrack is amazing. It is a metaphor for the future of the film industry as described by Jack White during the opening ceremony at the Oscars. It's still in theaters.

LISTEN

"How Safe is Your Job?" from Freakonomics. Most days, I am excited to go to work and do the job I do - helping nonprofits and social causes share their stories with people who care about them. Other days, especially on nasty cold Chicago says, I just want to lay in bed and watch Shameless and eat Trader Joe's horseradish chips. This quote from the podcast made me reframe my thinking about the impact work has on my own well being, making me realize I would probably hate life without work: "I think people need an organizing purpose to their lives.  It doesn’t have to be paid employment, but they need something...an objective in life that imbues their life with some meaning and purpose. And I don’t think pure just pleasure can be that. It’s got to be something that requires more ambition than that." Listen on Stitcher. 

READ

The Nieman Lab Daily Email Updates. From the Nieman Journalism Lab at Harvard, this daily email shares the best and most interesting news at the intersection of publishing and digital media. A career idol of mine said six years ago she checks the Nieman website more than she checks Facebook, and I've been subscribed ever since.

[technologyshapeshistory]

Managing yourself: 7 ways to be a more effective version of you

You can’t hit a target you can’t see.  Sometimes we work without really thinking about the end goal of what we are doing. We get drawn into what is urgent, or tactically on the forefront of our mind (or inbox!), without taking a step back and asking “is this the most important thing I can be doing right now?” Having a list of priorities makes sure you stay focused on what is important.  For example our priorities at Popforms are:

Supporting our paying customers

Work for our current promotion (right now it is our workshop)

Our newsletter

Our blog

Pop Star Content

Supporting our free customers

Everything else

Having a personal system of priorities means it is always easy to answer the question of what I am supposed to do, and in what order. Putting it into practice: What is your list of priorities?  Write them out and share them with your manager to be sure that you are aligned.  Bonus points if you want to do this for your personal life too.

I really enjoyed this blog post from popforms about time management and personal care, because I need to be prioritizing both of those things a bit more next week. As the author says, "If you're too busy, you're doing it wrong." 

[technologyshapeshistory]

WATCH/LISTEN/READ for Saturday, February 21

WATCH

The DoGooder Awards. For the past 9 years, See3 has hosted the DoGooder Awards to celebrate the best in video for social good. I've been managing the project this year, and I helped select the finalists that are now featured on the contest site. I can't tell you which videos are my favorites, so you should watch and find out for yourself. I can tell you that I cried a minimum of two times, and legitimately chortled at my desk about five times while previewing these videos. You can vote for your favorite videos once per day, per category until March 3, 2015.

LISTEN

The Songza Summer Fling Playlist. A string of danceable jams that has been getting me through cold Chicago days. One of my favorites is "High School Lover" by Cayucas. Listen on Songza.

READ

"I'm Comic Sans, Asshole" by Mike Lachner. A hilarious raging monologue from the point of view of the world's most loathed font. Read it on McSweeney's. 

[technologyshapeshistory]

5 Questions I Stole From My Favorite Internship Interviews

See3's Winter 2015 interns, along with our Director of Finance and Operations (far left) and me (far right) 

I completed seven internships between high school and the end of college. Even though I've been hired for at almost a dozen freelance gigs and full-time positions since, my internship interviews were by far some of the most anxiety-inducing moments in my career journey. I was new to promoting myself, my skills and my passions in an articulate way. Even when I aced practice interviews with my career development center, I struggled to keep my confidence up when on the phone or face-to-face with an actual human who might want to hire me. 

With experience, I got better at it, and some of the best questions I was asked stuck with me and helped me develop a clearer sense of why I love the work that I do. 

Last month, I got a chance to sit on the other side of the intern hiring table, and ask some of my favorite questions that I've been asked in interviews over the years. Here are some of my favorite questions, and why I decided to ask them. 

Note: These are specific to content marketing/social media internships, but if you think creatively I'm sure there are ways these could be applied to other fields. 

1) What are you reading? I do care about what novels you're reading, but I mostly care about what you're reading that's related to this job. The quickest way to my heart is to tell me what email newsletters you read. I read the Social Times newsletter religiously every single morning. I also read the NiemanLab Future of Journalism digest and Vox's Sentences. Show me that what you'll be doing in this internship is something you're not only interested in learning about during work hours. 2) Our brand's audience likes X, Y and Z. What kind of content would you curate for them? Hopefully you have done research on the company, so you know more about our audience than the three adjectives I just fed you. This also shows that you know some of the language that's commonly used in this field. If you reply with, "What is content curation?," I'll know that you probably have little or no experience the stuff I'll need you to be doing on a daily basis in your internship. It's not a disqualifier, but it's good for me to know up front. 3) Typically we grow our email lists by doing A and B. What ideas do you have for other ways we could grow our list? This is a hard question. It shows your ability to think creatively and critically and to think through new approaches to a problem. One way to get a leg up would be to email me beforehand to asking me something like, "What do you see as your company's biggest barrier to success, and how can someone in this position help you overcome it?". I know not all managers like this, but I don't mind a candidate letting me know that they are concerned with helping me solve problems. 4) Tell me about some of the work you're proudest of from your portfolio. This is why it's so important to have a portfolio. When you work in social media, you usually own a Facebook channel or a Twitter feed for a short period of time. Being able to guide me immediately to screenshots, links to content you created or drove the strategy for, and descriptions of your work's impact shows me you are a total pro, and makes a huge difference. 

5) What brand do you think does an excellent job at content marketing, and why? When I see people doing awesome content marketing, I make a note of it. If you're doing that too, it shows you're really passionate about this field and that you consciously evaluate the work of other marketers. Some of my favorite content marketers are Hubspot, Sprout Social and Buffer. Think about brands you know that use content to speak clearly to their audience and encourage them to try and buy their services. If you're applying for internships right now and are looking for a few more tips, here are other things I really liked that intern candidates did: 

Name dropped things they saw on our website 

Asked thoughtful questions about my experience

Showed up on time for interviews and spelled my name right in emails. First impressions matter big time. 

Looked at my LinkedIn profile and followed me and my company on Twitter. It shows you've done your homework, and you should always do your homework.

Like I said, I'm a hiring rookie. Got some good questions I should ask when hiring for this summer's internship program? Let me know.

[technologyshapeshistory]

WATCH/LISTEN/READ for Saturday, February 14

WATCH

Inequality for All. Produced by and starring former U.S. Secretary of Labor Robert Reich, this documentary explores the scary consequences of America's increasing wealth gap. Transitioning seamlessly between the phenomenon's historical underpinnings and what it means for Americans today and tomorrow, the film builds a convincing narrative for why we should all be way more concerned about inequality than we are now. Stream it on Netflix.

LISTEN

"So. Good." by Johnny Stimson. A voluptuous, soulful pop/R&B jam that makes you think, "Wait, is Justin Timberlake singing this?" Listen on Soundcloud.

READ

"How Men's Rights Leader Paul Elam Turned Being a Deadbeat Dad into a Money-Making Movement," by Adam Serwer and Katie J.M. Baker. An infuriating read about men's rights activist Paul Elam. SPOILER ALERT: He's a hypocritical dirtbag. Read on Buzzfeed when you are fully prepared to let your inner feminist RAGE.

[technologyshapeshistory]

I love my boyfriend because he doesn't want to marry me

My boyfriend and I have a pretty great how we met story. I first saw him in an airport lounge in Miami when we were both on our way to Ecuador. I remember thinking, "This trip is kind of scary, but at least there's a hot guy going to the same place I am."  We met when we landed in Quito, and found out we were in the same study abroad program. We sat next to one another in Intro to Ecuadorian Culture class. We kissed while dancing in a Plaza Foch night club. I told him I loved him after we saw a bull fight.

Neither of us thought it would last very long. Neither of us wanted to do long distance. But things hadn't fizzled when it was time for Aaron to go back to the US, so we promised to take it one day at a time. There was no anxiety about what we were or what our relationship was becoming. Our love just kind of kept growing, and we were both happy it did.  

Over three years later, after several years of frustrating and liberating long distance, our relationship continues to be grounded in the present. Things are a bit more certain now. We share an apartment and make vacation plans six months in advance, without that awkward hesitation that can come with such lofty goals at the beginning of a new relationship. But we don't talk much about plans for the future future - things beyond this year or next.

I realize that I might want that one day - the stability, the certainty, the future future plans. But it's hard for me to imagine that the things I want for myself now are the same things I will want forever. I don't think the person I met at 20 is the last person I will ever want to date.

But the person I met at 20 is undoubtably the person I want by my side at 23. It's hard to imagine a more perfect partner than Aaron. He cooks things when I am working late. He cleans my hair out of the bath tub drain. He is smart and thoughtful and genuinely funny. When we disagree, we discuss more often than argue. When we argue, it's usually about something petty that doesn't matter much. One time, in a heated debate about carpet vs. hardwood flooring, I called him a rug elitist. That's the meanest name I have ever called him.

In past relationships, there was always this difficult hyperbole of permanence. We would say things like "I'll always love you," or come up with names for our fictional forthcoming pets. After a while, the unreality of it bugged me. I wondered, is this the illusion love requires of young people? If I want commitment, do I need to pretend that I might never want this relationship to end?

The answer to that question is no, and the evidence is Aaron. We are both adventurers with a lot of ambition. We know there are a lot of potential lives to live before we start taking any thought of settling down seriously. 

We assume that we will not get married, which means we assume that we'll break up. We don't talk about it often, but when the occasion arises, we acknowledge it. It's a tiny bit sad but mostly wonderful, because it feels fantastic to be in a relationship that is so fully present. By continuing to take it one day at a time, I think it keeps us from taking that passing time for granted. This thing that we have is impermanent, and that is part of what makes it very, very special.

I realize that there is no situation in which this blog post ends well for me. In one scenario, future me will read this indulgently after putting a fresh batch of sad poems on Tumblr, mourning the loss of what Aaron and I have now. In another, I will be mortified about what a smug 23-year-old know-it-all I was if Aaron and I are still watching Netflix together in a few decades.

But it's Valentine's Day. And love is full of mush and hard truths. And I've got love in my life that is honest in its impermanence, and I am so appreciative of the boyfriend that brought it there. 

I am grateful to be in this present moment with him.

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WATCH/LISTEN/READ for Thursday, February 5

A weekly collection of the best things to come across my eyes and ears

 WATCH 

The Walking Dead. This show has pretty gigantic woman and people of color problems that are impossible to ignore. That being said, I'm hopelessly addicted to this story of Georgians banding together to fight the zombie apocalypse. I find the characters incredibly real and relatable inside a world built around fiction. I feel their connections to one another, their jealousies, their constant grief. I wonder what it would be live their lives, and continually face the impossible decisions they have to make. It's made Aaron and I have important conversations like, "If I thought you were killed by a zombie and slept with your best friend and then found out you were alive, could you forgive me?" (The answer is yes for both of us, we hope.) Watch it on Netflix. 

LISTEN 

Invisibilia. It's like Radiolab with ladies. Crossing my fingers that they continue to bring diverse people to the table to tackle elegant conversations about the intricacies of the mind (and don't pull a Radiolab and do the opposite of that in a big way). My favorite episode so far has been Fearless. Listen on Stitcher. 

READ 

The Popforms newsletter. Awesome, actionable tips for working smarter. I've been reading Popforms for a year and have never seen a newsletter from them that didn't have something helpful in it. Subscribe!

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How I Get Shit Done Pt. 2: Time Blocking

A while back, I wrote about the main way that I get shit done: really detailed, colorful to do lists. These lists keep me in line, let me know if I'm on track for the week, and help my prioritize what's most important for me at the moment. 

Sometimes, my lists get sad. There are weeks when projects take me a lot longer to finish than I'd originally anticipated, and instead of seeing a beautiful list full of satisfying yellow, there's a lot that needs to be moved onto my next week list. 

Something that has helped me anticipate the time it will take me to finish projects more accurately is time blocking. It's the process of breaking your day into chunks and deciding when you're going to work on each task. 

 Here's an example of what my time blocking calendar looks like: 

I started using time blocking after trying a time blocking template providing by the Kates at popforms in their Spark Notebook. If you're looking for more productivity tips, popforms is a gold mine. 

I read once that most people can only finish 2 or 3 big tasks in an 8-hour work day. I've found this to be pretty true for myself. Even on days when I work 10 hours or more, 3 tasks is about it. My remaining time is consumed by email follow up and meetings. 

When I time block, I look at my beautiful to do list and my not so beautiful calendar full of meetings and think: when will I actually have time to work on things? (This is a critical question that I don't ask myself often enough.) Then, I block out my week, including meetings, tasks (usually bundled) and personal stuff (because that's important enough to be scheduled too). 

Time blocking helps me think about not only what I have to do but what I actually have time to do, so It's easier to flag things that need to be eliminated, delegated, pushed back or restructured. 

Got any other productivity tips I should try? Let a girl know.

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WATCH/LISTEN/READ for Sunday, January 18

WATCH

Shameless. Created in 2011, this Showtime comedy tells the story of a low income family on Chicago's south side as they hustle to pay bills, buy groceries and keep their family together. So rarely to we see real portrayals of people living in ongoing poverty - poverty that they'll probably be in their whole lives, not just a transitional first step towards eventual wealth - and even more rarely do we see them living full, joyful lives. The characters in Shameless love, fuck, party, work, study, and, most importantly, care for one another. Emmy Rossum stars as Fiona Gallagher, the oldest daughter turned mother figure after her mom bails on the seven Gallagher siblings. William H. Macy is her destructive alcoholic father, who somehow maintains his likeability even though pretty much everything he does is awful (credit that to the talents of the actor.) Buy it on Amazon or don't do that. 

LISTEN

"Trumpets" by Jason Derulo. I know this is a terrible song. The lyrics consist of Jason repeatedly asking us if it's weird that he pairs pop culture metaphors with his lady friend's objectified body. Nah, Jason, that's pretty much on par with the rest of your music. Regardless, I can't stop hip shaking and head nodding. Watch the video on YouTube. For more JD fun, watch this video of Jason Derulo singing "Jason Derulo" for nearly an hour.

READ

Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay.  Gay's collection of essays explores the intersections of race, gender, sexuality, and nationality, all through her sharp lens of literary critique. Gay lays out her own raw experiences and wraps them in reviews of books, articles and movies of the recent past. Buy it on Amazon or borrow it from me in about a week.

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A Feminist Critique of Eli Goldratt's 'The Goal'

The Goal is one of the most widely read business books of all time. It's sold more than 3 million copies and is required reading at over 200 colleges and universities across the nation. The Economist called it the book managers "actually read from cover to cover," and Fortune Magazine, purveyor of bad similes and circle-jerking, noted, "Like Mrs. Fields and her cookies, The Goal was too tasty to remain obscure."

The Goal teaches management thinking through the story of plant manager Alex Rogo. His plant is grossly underperforming and upper management is planning to shut him down if he doesn't turn things around in the next three months. Chronically stressed and with the future of his employees weighing heavily on him, he seeks the wisdom of a wise physics professor he had in college, who teaches him the theory of constraints over the course of the book. As you probably guessed, the plant gets better and Alex is the hero.

The Goal was a helpful read. It made me think more strategically about my time and priorities, and about what I really need to be focusing on at work. It helped me recognize situations where I was a bottleneck (read: thing that keeps shit from getting done). As a learning tool, The Goal is well written. It forces the reader to think critically and, hopefully, come to know the solutions before the author spells them out.

The Goal is also full of a bunch of sexist garbage. Each woman in the book is a stereotype. A quick survey of the leading ladies (or at least, the ones who have multiple speaking parts):

Alex's mom, unnamed

Fran, the secretary

Stacey, the inventory manager

Julie, Alex's wife

I have the third edition of the book, which was republished in 2004. Apparently there is a newer edition that was released in 2014, which I am in no rush to read, so there's a chance some of these critiques may have been noted and accounted for in the past ten years. But this blatant sexism feels a bit over-the-top for 2004. We were in the new millennium for Christ's sake

Let's get Fran out of the way first. Of course this character is a woman. Fran, the secretary, the most archetypal of female business archetypes. She doesn't do much but pass messages between Alex and other men. I did not expect more from her. Except in Mad Men, the secretaries in business plots never matter. Even in Mad Men, the leading secretaries' stories are built around the fact that the men think they don't matter. 

Alex's mom takes care of his children while Julie is away because Alex has damaged his marriage to the point where it is about to fall apart. His mother nags him to eat, watches the kids, and eventually disappears. She says things someone's stereotype of a dumb, overbearing mom might say, and Alex responds patronizingly. She's a vessel for child care. But we've seen this mom trope before too, right? Nothing new here.

I had hoped for greater things from the novel's two main female characters, but their leading roles just made their stereotypes more derogatory.

Stacey is the inventory manager at the plant, and is by far the most well respected woman in the book. She gets a lot of good lines and says a lot of smart stuff. Even so, she's the scapegoat for confusion and chaos that emerge once new, more efficient systems are put in place. Stacey is a ballsy, hardworking genius, but when things start to go wrong, she's the only one in the board room to say, "Wait, I'm confused," and actively pile blame on herself. None of the men in the room do this (oh, and in case you had to guess, no, there are no other women in the room.)

And the scapegoating doesn't stop once she's off the clock. When level-headed Stacey is sober and gracious enough to drive Alex home after he's had a few too many after work, she ends up in the middle of Alex's stupid marital crisis. Alex stumbles into his house, knocking Stacey on top of him. When Julie sees, she accuses Alex of having an affair. The next day, Stacey offers to call Julie to make things right; Alex, happy to let a woman clean up his mess, tells her to go ahead. Because she doesn't have more important things to do. Like managing the inventory in the damn plant. 

And finally, there's Julie. Sweet, sweet Julie. She moves with Alex to his hometown and is uprooted from her friends and family. Every day, she's isolated in a caretaker role where she is pretty much a single parent to their two children because Alex's job is the sole focus of his life. So she decides enough is enough. Julie leaves Alex and the kids and returns to her parents' place a few hours away. She's tried for months to get Alex to talk to her about his problems and to prioritize his family, but he does neither. He thinks Julie is too dumb to understand the complicated business mess he's in.

The most infuriating, blatantly sexist part of the book is when Alex and Julie talk about why she left, and she is the one who apologizes first for driving their marriage to the brink of divorce. Julie starts by saying: 

"I know that leaving you must have been selfish on my part. I just went crazy for a little while. I'm sorry -"

"No, you don't have to be sorry," [Alex tells] her. "I should have been paying attention." 

"But I'll try to make it up to you," she says. 

Crazy. Selfish. Sorry. All lies women tell ourselves when we are trying to diffuse a situation the way society tells us we should. And eager to please, a quintessential characteristic of femininity. Alex's apology is a half-hearted afterthought. But why should a man take the blame when women are just so damn good at being scapegoats in this book?

The couple patches things up, start talking more, and Alex grows to be a better partner, but he still kind of thinks his wife can't match his mental capacity. In an effort to help him solve problems at the plant (which no one asked her to do), Julie starts reading the dialogues of Socrates and shares some tips about the Socratic method with her dumb husband. Alex is shocked when she wants to keep reading philosophical prose instead of listening him talk about himself after work.

These characters operate as degrading caricatures of women that are ultimately harmful to the goal of the book. If you want to teach the next generation of leaders how to use your frameworks to succeed in business, you shouldn't alienate half of that population with stunted interpretations of women.

Of course, I say half ambitiously. The truth is that the narrative of management and entrepreneurship being male fields is so baked into our culture that by the time a girl enters her first business class, it's more likely to be a requirement for her comms major than it is to be her first step on the path to becoming a CEO.

The goal of this book is to teach the theory of constraints to current and future business leaders. The book's purpose is to instruct, not build elegant narrative arcs for each character. Even so, more thought should have been given to the writing of female characters. I don't expect built out backstories or a balance of flawed and heroic characteristics for each person. I just want a best selling business book that doesn't make me feel shitty about being a woman.

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WATCH/LISTEN/READ: Saturday, January 10, 2015

A weekly collection of the best things to come across my eyes and ears WATCH 

Black Mirror.Director Carl Tibbets explores the dangerous impact of technology and innovation in a not-so-far off dystopian future where Black Mirror is set. Aside from the technology theme and British accents, everything changes from episode to episode. The series explores questions like, What happens when gaming takes over our lives? Is it moral to be a spectator to violence when its perpetrated against bad people? Do we really want to hold on to all of our memories? It's my favorite show I've seen since devouring Orphan Black last year. (Maybe there's something to putting the word "black" in your show name?) Watch it on Netflix.

LISTEN

Lost on the River: The New Basement Tapes. Legendary producer T. Bone Burnett gathered a talented group of musicians to put music to lyrics written by Bob Dylan almost 50 years ago. What formed was The New Basement Tapes, a studio collective that includes My Morning Jacket's Jim James, Carolina Chocolate Drop's Rhiannon Giddon, Marcus Mumford of Mumford and Sons, Taylor Goldsmith of The Dawes and Elvis Costello. The whole album is excellent, and my favorite songs from are "Hidee Hidee Ho #11" and "Nothing To It." Learn more about the band in this Fresh Air interview and stream the album on Spotify.

READ

"The Virologist." This New Yorker article takes a deeper look at the life of Emerson Spartz, the 27-year-old CEO of Spartz Media. Emerson and his wife Gaby build websites with one goal: to go viral. This article is about a million times more interesting if you read it after watching Black Mirror and picture the Spartzes as the enigmatic but soulless leaders of our dystopian future. Read it here. 

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Don't Let People Call You a Guru and Other Tips for Young People Working in Social Media

Don't let people call you a guru. Or a ninja, or a rockstar or any other buzzword. It makes your job sound like something mystical and unattainable by normal human, when really it's tangible, thoughtful work that an increasing number of people should know how to execute well. Name yourself what you want, but I recommend using a title like specialist, manager, coordinator -  anything that grounds you in reality. Even if you don't choose to call yourself a guru, other people will. Don't be afraid to politely correct them and assert your rightful title.  

Admit when you don't know something. You are young! And so is the internet! Of course you don't know everything, both because you're fresh to the game and the game is on a 20-year old playing field. Everybody has something more to learn. But there's a difference between needing to learn more and sounding like a total idiot. When someone asks you a question you don't know the answer to, don't make up bullshit! Instead reply, "I'll need to do some more research and get back to you on that." Boom. Done.

Don't make promises you can't keep. Everybody and their director of marketing is going to want you to give exact numbers for how many likes or sales your Facebook ads are going to get based on the amount of cash and time invested. Unless you have data you can project from, don't fall into that trap! You can make educated guesses based on data from similar campaigns, or even use something like the Salesforce Facebook Ads Benchmark Report to give your client a bar to measure your campaign against, but no two social media campaigns are alike. Don't promise someone a number you can't deliver on. You'll lose their trust and respect, and that's way more important than ambitious CTR goals.

Get off the goddamn computer every once and a while. Go for a walk. Grab a cup of coffee. Eat lunch with people who are alive in your office instead of staring into your Twitter feed. The Internet is a black hole that will suck the life out of you if you let it. (It's also a beautiful network of communication and information designed by geniuses.) But seriously, take your eyes away from the screen every now and then. Staring at a computer for 8-10 hours straight is totally terrible for you and your work ethic.

Keep track of the stuff you do! I think keeping a portfolio is important. Good portfolios are made infinitely better when backed up by good stats. Write down some important data that can help you tell the story of the impact you made, not just what your job description was, and add them to your portfolio next time you update it. You will be grateful you did in your next job interview.

I may expand this list in the future (Lord knows I could write an eBook on this subject) or never visit it again. Only time will tell. 

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WATCH/LISTEN/READ - December 7, 2014

WATCH

Cutie and the Boxer is a gorgeous, moving documentary that traces the life, love and sacrifice of artists Ushio and Noriko Shinoharo. Once a rising star in NYC's art scene, Ushio is now in his 80s, struggling to make a living and searching for opportunities to build his career. His wife Noriko seeks recognition for her "Cutie" illustrations, which portray the ups and downs of their tumultuous marriage. Their dedication to art is beautiful and overwhelming; in one old home movie, Ushio talks about his personal sacrifice for art in drunken exasperation, saying, "I have nothing. It's so hard. And so fantastic." Watch it on Netflix. 

LISTEN

This blissful pop rock jam driven by the airy vocals of Jane Penny and a toe-tapping guitar riff from David Carriere. Listen all the way to the end, when the song takes a sudden eerie twist that makes you want to hit replay so you can listen with a fresh perspective. This will almost definitely get stuck in your head, and you probably won't mind too much. 

READ

The #BlackLivesMatter feed. The murders of Eric Garner, Mike Brown and Tamir Rice - all unarmed, all black, all killed by police - are really hard for me to understand and process. Their deaths are terrifying and tragic, and have been a catalyst for bringing the issues of police brutality and racism into a public conversation. I recommend reading things people of color are saying on this feed,  watching videos from the protests, and sharing when you find something that resonates. It's been a powerful learning experience for me. 

Read more about the creation of the #BlackLivesMatter campaign.